Only dating 1 month and already to the "comfortable " stage...i need your ideas!!!

[Firefly]

I've never had this problem before....i'm not sure how to fix it. Here's a quick run down of what's going on...I met a guy last month and we had an instant connection. We seem perfect for each other in every way, and we get along great! The problem is that we never really had that time of hot passion and romance...it went straight from us first meeting to that comfortable stage you usually get after you've been together for years. I am divorced with two kids (5yrs & 7 months) which may play a part in it. We just want to have that passion...any ideas??? (we have had SHORT moments of that only a few times when we are alone) One more thing i have to add is that it's really hard for us to find alone time with out my kids. Anyway...thanks for any suggestions!!!

[Tony T]

You can't force passion and it's a pretty important element of a relationship. Try to give it time. But there's an awful lot to be said for the stable, comfortable feeling in a relationship...that's the feeling that takes it the distance. The passion wears thin over time. Keep seeing each other but if passion doesn't develop, you'll have to decide if passing up a great relationship for some short term passion is worth giving this up. This is a hard one to call. Again, there are very few people willing to give up those passionate feelings but all too often we feel passion for the VERY WRONG people!!!

[moimeme]

all too often we feel passion for the VERY WRONG people!!!

 

I couldn't agree more! Passion, when you think about it, is a very poor predictor of relationship success. This board is littered with the corpses of relationships that started out with passion and flamed out quickly. Neither does passion have a good record for longevity.

 

Remember that psychologists have theories about love, passion, etc. Here's an exerpt from one:

 

The triangular theory of love was proposed by Sternberg (1986). He suggested that there are three components to love, passion, intimacy and decision/commitment. Intimacy refers to close, connected and bonded feelings in loving relationships. Passion refers to the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, sexual consummation etc. in a loving relationship. The decision/ commitment component includes the decision that you love a person, and the commitment that you want to stay with them. If each of these components are equally balanced, there is consummate love, the most complete form of love. More often than not, there is not an equal balance of the components, when people emphasise on or two elements, which results in different types of love. For instance, "infatuated love" (high passion, low intimacy and commitment), "empty love" (high commitment, low intimacy and passion), "romantic love" (high intimacy and passion, low commitment), "companionate love" (high intimacy and commitment, low passion), "fatuous love" (high passion and commitment, low intimacy), "liking" (high intimacy present, low passion and commitment), and "non-love& ...

http://www.academicdb.com/is_there_a_psychology_love_3704/

 

By the way - the same Sternberg who came up with this theory is now the president of the APA!

 

For some other interesting views on love, romance, and passion:

 

New Ways of Loving: How Authenticity Transforms Relationships

http://www.tc.umn.edu/%7Eparkx032/NWL.html

 

ROMANTIC LOVE IS A HOAX! EMOTIONAL PROGRAMMING TO 'FALL IN LOVE'

http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/HMS-LS1.html

 

The Romantic Love Test: How Do We Know If We Are in Love?

http://www.tc.umn.edu/%7Eparkx032/RLT-WEB.html