Overwhelmed and need space...

[beachbum84]

Hey I am new to this, and in some weird way I feel guilty for posting here. But I really just don't know what to do.

 

A little back story, I moved to AL, I met H first night I was in town, 6 months later we married and immediately moved 4 hrs north so he could continue college at University of Alabama. It didn't work out, for one reason or another, so we moved the 4 hrs back home the following summer. He still chased his college dream at a local college and then unexpectedly we find out I am pregnant 3 months after our return. I spent my entire pregnancy alone, and miserable. I work full time days, he works full time nights, and he attends college full time during the day. I was only 3 months prego when my parents announce my dad's affair, and then their divorce after 33 years. I took the divorce extremely hard, probably even more so since my parents lived back in Michigan. He was rarely home to offer a shoulder to cry on, and was not getting on board quickly to the whole we have to change our lifestyle so that we can be parents thing. I'd go to bed alone every night, even on his off nights b/c he'd be up all night playing X-box with his brothers. He kept telling me that he'd graduate in a year, and then after that year it was one more year, and so on.

 

It all came to a head last year when he failed 1/2 of his classes in fall. We argued and fought over that, then the very next semester he failed all 4 of his classes. He put himself another year away from graduating. Which means I have 2 more years of hell. 2 nights a week he is home, his time is spent moping and whining about his schedules, and how tired he his. I handle everything around the house, the budget, the child rearing, vehicle repairs, while still working my full time job, so that he can go to school. Its wearing me out, I have no friends, no fun, no time to myself. He does very little of anything on his own, I have to fill out all his forms for school each year, I do our taxes, all the while he does really nothing productive. We've been married 4 years this summer and we still live in a small crappy apartment, have a 2 year daughter who never sees her dad as it is, and our relationship has just crumbled beneath us.

 

I want a separation for a bit to let things simmer down. However he is adamant that if we separate that would be a divorce, he won't allow it. I am so tired of our entire family being stuck in neutral b/c of his decisions that he makes on his own. He's not here for the damage control, thus doesn't get the full affect of the situation. All we do is fuss, fight, scream, belittle each other, and cuss constantly. We argue and argue and escalate every stinkin thing until I get to the point I want him to stay the night at his folks so I can just simmer down. He never does, just stays there needling me until I go into crazy b**** mode. I can't take it any longer. I hate that our 2 year old has to deal with the obvious tension, and I know she hears us arguing constantly the 2 nights he is home every week.

 

I guess I wonder what would you guys do? I really really really need time apart from this man to clear my head and get back on solid ground. I am not wanting to see anyone else, there is nobody else. I just need my sanity back, so I can rationally handle this situation. How do you convince someone you need space? To him needing space is the same as asking for a divorce. I am at a loss. And I sorta feel like I am being pushed to wanting a divorce.

[Gunny376]

Wow!

 

Classic trying to have it all and do it all at the same time.

 

Your husband has his priorities mixed up. Its all on you. No wonder your stressed out!

 

If he's failed two semesters then he's going to pay the devil getting his GPA back up. I'm surprised he's not on academic probation.

 

A college degree short of nursing and education doesn't get you much in Alabama.

 

That's because the number # 1 employer is family owned businesses that employ less than 100 people.

 

Its not what you know, but who you know. With a college degree in finance, 20+ years in the Marines I still ended up working third shift in a convenience store until I found the job I have now.

 

Where I work at is so filled with nepotism its unreal. There's the Big boss, his son, his daughter, his' niece's husband, his nephew, the plant manager's airhead teenage stepdaughter, his grandson, his grandson's girlfriend.

 

There's an opening ~ but it will never be listed at the employment office nor in the newspapers. Welcome to Alabama.

 

Back to your question, your seriously stressed! And you need a break.

 

Keep posting!

[beachbum84]

His degree is in computer information systems management. It should be fruitful, however that is if he ever gets it. He had attend UA for 3 years, then got kicked out for academic probation. He moved back to Mobile for a year, which is when I met him. Obviously UA didn't want him back thats why we are back in Mobile. He is in his 6th year of college for a 4 year degree, and still has 2 more to go. So I guess you can say I'm a little less than impressed.

 

He works as a cook so he doesn't get home until daughter and I have long been in bed. He sees us for 1 miserable grumpy hour every morning, and then 2 evenings a week that he has off.

 

We just got back from a week long family vacation where all we did was argue non-stop. I just can't stand it anymore. All my friends are 1,000 miles away. All his friends are still stuck in "I'm 17" mode and right here in town. I feel like a single mom most days, but the kicker is that I'm not. I want a house, another child, and fun family time. But with him adding more and more debt to our overloaded pile with school that dream seems so far away.

 

I'm trying to be the perfect wife, but its really hard to be 25 and have zero social life, zero fun, zero friends, and 100% sole responsibility. He just screwed up his financial aid at school so they are with holding it 3 weeks. It sucks b/c they never would have done it if he'd just checked his email and responded. But, "no one told me to expect an email." Nothing is ever his fault. That loan money is to pay daycare, and its stressful not knowing if it will now come in, in enough time to cover the daycare expense that his low paying job can't cover.

 

He gets what he wants in life, if I don't see to it, his momma sure does. He's rarely told no. When we found out I was expecting our daughter, his nice mustang got totaled, and he was adamant that he was not getting rid of his sports car, so we got him a Camaro Z-28 to replace it. I thought that would ease some of the baby tension with him. But nothing changed. I mean how many wives are supportive of getting yet another sports car when you know you have a baby on the way? You don't hear of that often. I thought my understandiness would gain me some attention and empathy. But it didn't.

 

I don't know, now I am just rambling. I really just want him to handle his stuff on his own. And I really just want a break for a while. I am just on overload, and each day I build up more resentment to the man I said I Do to.

[LisaUk]

Hi

 

Just my take, could be wrong?

 

I can hear the stress in your posts and that's not at all surprising. Your H must be very stressed too? What with working nights and then college in the day, I'm not surprised he is having trouble passing his degree.

 

This makes for a tremendous amount of tension in the home and between you. Your H is maybe thinking he is trying his best working nights and trying to get an education to better your long term futures, but in the short term he's not realising what tremendous pressure this is putting on you.

 

In the mean time your becoming more and more unhappy, your both getting tireder and tirder and you are starting to resent him, b/c you feel he is chasing a dream and not providing for you?

I'm willing to bet he feels resentful towards you b/c he sees it as trying to better yours and your childs future and he's so stressed and so tired and then you two are fighting.

 

This just leads to him being grumpy and tired when he does see you, wanting to get some down time on the x-box and you getting more and more angry, resentful and stressed b/c he isn't spending quality time with you and your child.

 

If you can afford and suggest MC I think it would help? If not, I think you need to somehow make time to sit down with your H and explain your feelings calmly. It may help if you strat by expressing what you think his feelings are, he will hopefully then realise you are not being accusatory and want to work this out together.

 

Like I said, just my take on it from your posts, only you know for sure, your living it.

[beachbum84]

Your H is maybe thinking he is trying his best working nights and trying to get an education to better your long term futures, but in the short term he's not realising what tremendous pressure this is putting on you.

 

You may be right there. And from the start of his re-entry into school I knew it would be stressful. And I could be the understanding and supportive wife he needs, as long as he was passing his classes and making progress towards obtaining his degree. But when his performance in school has just dissappointed me in ways I cannot express in words. And for the excuses that come with his failures in school just floors me. I have to my duties 100% and to the fullest not exceptions. I feel the same should be true for him.

 

In the mean time your becoming more and more unhappy, your both getting tireder and tirder and you are starting to resent him, b/c you feel he is chasing a dream and not providing for you?

I'm willing to bet he feels resentful towards you b/c he sees it as trying to better yours and your childs future and he's so stressed and so tired and then you two are fighting.

 

Again I'm sure there is some truth in what you are saying. I do feel he is chasing a dream, b/c he's not holding his end of the bargain to make it a reality. I raise our daughter mostly alone clinging to the hope that it is b/c he is off laying the foundation for a better future for us all. But he's not making progress with that, and refuses to give up on it. He just continues to take more and more time and spend more and more money to "chase a dream".

 

This just leads to him being grumpy and tired when he does see you, wanting to get some down time on the x-box and you getting more and more angry, resentful and stressed b/c he isn't spending quality time with you and your child.

 

I hate his feeling of entitlement to free time when I am now awarded free time. We do different things, but we are equally stretched thin on time, and neither one of us has time for ourselves. But he seems to rob, borrow, and steal time for himself. Which only makes my load heavier.

 

I appreciate your insight I really do. Its just that I have been in this situation for quite some time now with him its always the same story, with the same response, "I'll work on it." But there is no progress in his "working" on it. And I'm just past my threshold with it all.

 

I feel my life would be much easier without him. I wouldn't mind being a stay at home mom, but to be expected to do what a stay at home mom does, and hold down a full time job, with little to no respect, help, little to no attention, sex, intimacy, and overall quality of life is not really what I bargained for 4 years ago.

 

I really fear how our relationship will weather all of this. I can't keep this up, I don't want to keep this up. I would love for him to "man up" but I can't make him do that. And until he does I really am just not interested in being around him. Thus why I'd like to be seperated. I feel if we were apart he could assess his situation more accurately and figure out for himself what he really wants in life. And/or who he really wants in his life.

[Gunny376]

You can tell him to go home to his mama and to give you a call when he decides to grow up and be a man!

 

Meanwhile I'd get your parents on the phone and tell them ~ "Great news! Your going to be seeing your grand-baby a lot more! I'm coming home ~ come get me!

 

I realize that's easy for me to say ~ and even harder for you to do.

 

But until he not only grows up ~ let alone 'man-up' there's little hope for this relationship.

 

It sounds as though he doesn't have the mental~emotional maturity to do college level work. He sounds as though he did alright his first year in his general studies work (History 101, 102, English 101, 102, general electives) but when he started hitting his 300 and 400 level course he hit a wall.

 

General rule of thumb. For every hour spent in class = two hours minimum study time. Even more so for harder majors such as CS, nursing, engineering ~ then the rule is "You eat, you sleep, you go to class, you study! Then you wake up and do it all over again X's four years.

 

Of course they're are lot of people that to college for more than four years? But generally they tend to one day be called doctors.

 

Here in Alabama a college degree other than in nursing, a medical field, engineering, or education doesn't get you much unless your going into the family business or a business your parent or relative already works in.

 

Not to say that a college degree won't benefit you ~ but if you live in Alabama? The day you graduate you'd best have a U-Haul gassed and loaded.

 

About all a CS degree in Alabama is going to get you is a job selling computers at Best Buy.

 

Its simply because the number one industries are still agriculture and forestry and family own businesses that employ 100 people or less (and a lot of them are friends and family)

 

Everything else is service and retail, which barely pay a living wage.

 

State jobs are frozen right now ~ and even when they're not ~ they're finite, and most of those are in Montgomery (Where crime is rampant! I won't even go there anymore its so bad!)

 

Rural Alabama (like most of America) is a great place to have and raise a family. IF you can find a decent job?

 

There are good jobs here ~ but they're hard to come by. What ones there are? The people that have them have had them for a good long while, and plan on keeping them. And your just about going to have to fight them to get them away from them.

 

I know because with over twenty years in the Marine Corps, a college degree in finance, it took me over nine years to find one.

 

And I found it because I meet and knew someone.

 

The job I have will never be listed at the employment office, nor listed in the newspaper.

 

There's an opening now ~ and again it will never be listed at the employment office nor the newspaper.

 

You've got to know someone on the inside to get it.

 

The best place to go and look for a job in Alabama?

 

Join the Methodist or Baptist Church ~ I kid you not!

 

Not to offend anyone, but that's how it is here!

[Gunny376]

BTW from that tiny picture you have in avatar?

 

That's a cutie your holding ~ about the same age as my grandson!

[beachbum84]

Thanks Gunny, believe me I understand the difficulty in finding a decent job in this state, and then adding the recession only intensifies the situation.

 

So after a really bad long day I decided that if he won't give me space, I was going to just take the space I need in our teeny tiny apartment. I had his PJs and pillows awaiting him on the couch and the bedroom locked when he arrived home from work last night. That has never happened before with us, so I thought it would drive home a point.

 

I hardly slept at all last night, and just wanted to try and talk this out again with him. But I just know that no amount of talking at this point is going to fix anything, b/c his mindset hasn't changed. I really don't know how to get him to see that his wife and family life (just as all 3 of us being together, I'm not taking his daughter away from him) is slipping through his fingers and he is doing nothing to prevent it.

 

As I was about to walk out the door this morning I let him know that I would be boating w/ my dad on Sunday w/ child, so if he wanted to see her before he worked tomorrow he needs to get with me and let me know times. Thats when he finally just threw his hands up and said, "Fine I'll go stay at my parents for a few weeks. I didn't think you'd take it this far. But you have."

 

So where does one go from here. I have my space now, but not sure how to handle the situation considering there is a child involved. She will be in my custody primarily, but I am not using, or will ever use her as a pawn in this mess. He wants to see her on his off days, and I agree with that. He wants NC, which I agree with but obviously with a child involved I don't see it being completely NC. He normally drives her to daycare in the mornings and says he will still do that, however he wants to come to the apt an hour early everyday to spend time with her. I just don't see how that is much different than being here then. I dunno. I have the separation now, but I am lost at the details of such. I am hoping we can come back together at some point, so I want to tread carefully into this unknown territory.

 

For all of you who have separated, what were your guidelines? And how many of you were able to get back together after a separation? And how many of you put a time frame from the start on your separation? My H wants to know how long we will be separated, and I honestly don't know. I don't know how long it might take for us to work these things out, I am guessing it will take at least a week or so to just calm down and see things clearly. And then start making progress. But I don't know. I am new to all of this. And really want to handle this with maturity instead of raging emotions.

 

Any advice?

[Gunny376]

Girls/women as a general rule are about 10 years more emotionaly mature than guys?

You take it one day at a time ~ and how long depends upon how long it takes for him to grow up, and get his priorties straight.

 

That and he needs to come to understand your wants and needs as a woman, a wife, a mother.

 

And the priorties as a family.

 

I commend you about keeping it rational and level headed!

[beachbum84]

So I want to go to our friends house with our daughter next weekend. I figure our daughters will have fun together since they are the same age, I'll bring my sea-doo and we can all go boating. My daughter is only 2 but loves to boat. I am actually really wanting to get a way for a bit. Since I am from Michigan all my good friends are 1,000 miles away, there would be no way to meet up with them. I have one good friend in Tuscaloosa (city 4hrs away, where we lived our 1st year married), and I so desperately just want to have some fun.

 

However, when I mentioned this morning before I left for work, that I was thinking about the idea of being gone next weekend it just set him off. And he started in on this whole "how dare you take my daughter away from me, that is kidnapping. You are making a huge mistake if you do that."

 

Geesh. I really am not wanting to rile things up more here. I know that is not kidnapping. But I so disparately want a weekend away. Am I wrong in wanting to take our daughter away for the weekend. I have never done it before, if he couldn't go we all didn't go. I get that this could make me look bad to someone who doesn't see it the way I do. I'm not trying to keep her away from him. But he works all weekend, so if I stayed in town I will be forced to be available around his schedule for pick up and drop off times all so he could spend 4-5 hours with her. I really don't see the severity of me taking 1 weekend to myself. But again I am not trying to push him over the edge. So maybe I should stay in town. Ahhh this is so complicated and just feels like a crappy game that came with half the pieces and no instructions!

 

What would y'all do? I am all for keeping the peace. But I'm a little tired of missing out on everything around me b/c my husband has the world's most chaotic schedule and feels if he can't go, no one can go. Hmpf... What to do.

[lastout_82]

Your situtation is alot like mine, but im on the other end.

 

Best thing about kid, if its not till next weekend, tell him he needs to find time to spend with her before you leave this weekend. Have you spoken to him about the problems and not fought about it?

 

Ive been seperated about 2 months, because i didnt have my sheit togather, now ive been getting it togather and showing my wife that i can be what she wants and what i used to be. it takes time.

 

But you have to make clear the problems andthe solutions before you can get anywere.

[Billy Bob]

Your husband sounds like a childish bum.. If he won't work with you to create a good relationship where you are both happy and support one another.. what's the point.

 

Divorce his butt and find someone who wants to spend time with you. You look like a really attractive gal, you won't have a problem.

 

Some people really aren't meant to be together.

[beachbum84]

Your husband sounds like a childish bum.. If he won't work with you to create a good relationship where you are both happy and support one another.. what's the point.

 

Divorce his butt and find someone who wants to spend time with you. You look like a really attractive gal, you won't have a problem.

 

Some people really aren't meant to be together.

 

 

 

Thanks I think. I really don't see how I'm all that attractive, I mean if I were don't you think my H would be dying to sleep with me? Sorry, but I just don't think it will be all that easy to dump him and move on. I really don't want anyone else, I want him, he's my H, and the father to my beautiful daughter.

 

Maybe we aren't meant to be together but at what point to you realize that? I can't say for 100% that we are at that point yet. I just wish I were important to him, I wish he cared about me the way he once did.

[beachbum84]

 

Best thing about kid, if its not till next weekend, tell him he needs to find time to spend with her before you leave this weekend. Have you spoken to him about the problems and not fought about it?

 

But you have to make clear the problems andthe solutions before you can get anywere.

 

I would try and tell him all of that, but we are NC (his choice, and honestly I kinda am liking it, but also hating it. ahhhh). Anywho, I have tried to talk with him about these problems, they are no secret, they are continual ongoing issues. Now I can't say that everytime I try to talk about them they don't end up in a fight. He is very prideful and gets very defensive, very quickly. So things usually escalate fast and what I was hoping to be a civilized convo turns into WW3 yelling and name calling.

 

I believe I have made my issues clear, he is unclear about his issues. I really don't have a solution for him. I mean how do you instruct one to grow up? How do you instruct one to be a man of the house, provide for his family both financially and emotionally. I really dunno how to go about this.

[beachbum84]

So I felt really nervous to speak with her. His family has always ran hot and cold with me, and whenever we have problems they are "my problems" and are totally against me and they usually just make things worse.

 

But I called her back to see what she needed and she just wanted to know what was going on. Understandably I guess since her only son that has married and moved out is suddenly moved back in. He told her that he was just going to stay there a few nights b/c I was going crazy. Love it! I informed her that we are seperated for the time being and she freaked. She couldn't fathom that we would have problems that required a separation, she couldn't understand why he needed to be out of "our" house.

 

She asked about his college, and how was he supposed to focus with all this going on. I didn't really have an answer, and I really don't know. She wanted to know why I couldn't just hold out this semester let him finish and then tackle whatever seems to be "so bad" (said very sarcastically of course). I informed her that he doesn't just have 1 semester left, but indeed 5. She couldn't believe it. She claims he told her different. I tried explaining to her that he had to go every semester including summer to graduate the spring of 2011.

 

Then her attitude just switched gears. Out of nowhere she was all of a sudden sympathetic towards me. She says she is sick of the lying as well. She doesn't understand what he is thinking, or doing. How could he let things get so bad. Why doesn't he drop out of school? She asked me how in the world could he be a father and husband when he is never home. I was just silent and then said that was a good question. I indulged some details of where I am at and the problems I have been having with all of this. And then I felt like I should have just kept my mouth shut.

 

I feel like I should have never talked to her. I feel like she played me like a fool to pump info out of me, to twist and turn at her discretion and to spit back at me later, or to use as fuel on our already out of control fire. Ugh. I guess I should have gone NC with my inlaws as well. I can't change the convo, and I didn't say anything untrue. But I don't feel any good is going to come of it.

 

She was very insistent that she is going to talk to him and he will be home asap. But the thing is, I don't want him home asap. I want him home once he has his priorities in line. Once he knows what he wants, who he wants, how he will achieve it all. I need to see that he has drive, direction, and a willigness to improve. I don't want him to just parrot back to me the script his mom comes up with. I want him to really think about it all, for himself. I need to know what he wants his future to hold. I can't just keep on like this anymore. I can't be married and yet feel so alone. I want our lives to start, to finally move forward. I can't stay in neutral forever. Its not for me.

 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I am at such a loss right now. I have my dad in my ear cheering me on to dump him, his mom is in his ear telling him to God knows what. I don't see how either of these two are making things better. And I am really just dreading shipping my beloved daughter off with him tomorrow. I haven't spent but mere hours away from here (outside of while I work M-F) since she was born 2 years ago. What am I going to do while she is gone tomorrow. It seems so wrong that the only tears I've shed so far have been over my daughter leaving tomorrow for the day, and not my husband moving out. I'm so screwed up right now.

[Gunny376]

The problem as I see it (and as you do) is that he needs to grow up and 'man up'.

 

The problem with that is men are as a general rule about 10 years emotionally less mature than women ~ especially during our younger years.

 

He's emotionally immature from the way you posted ~ and you come across as being very emotionally mature and responsible in your posts.

 

It sounds as though your in some serious need of some 'down time'

 

It would seem to me that the solution to doing so would be letting the MIL and the H take the baby for the weekend, while you get some!

 

I know Mom!

 

But, for right now, you need a mental and emotional break. A little R&R (Rest and Relaxation)

 

Of course, from the way you described him he'll swear up and down your going off to have a Third Rate Rendevouz with some joker in 'T" town.

 

You come across to me as a very mature, responsible, caring woman ~ not just some woman that takes your vows likely ~ but just someone that needs her husband to mature, 'man up' and put the 'big boy' britches on! And be a man, a husband and a father.

 

When a woman is still nagging and complaining? There's a chance of saving the relationship.

 

When a woman is nagging and complaining? She's telling what she needs a man to be and become that is right for her!

 

In short she's literally spelling it out to him as though he was a four year old. She's telling him "This is what I need from you!"

 

Now granted! There are some people, be they men or women ~ who can never be pacified, satisfied, nor made happy!

 

In closing?

 

Take an old Marine Gunny's advice (aka ~ a "Fool's advice ~ hard learned and hard earned from experience)

 

When it comes to in-laws? The less said ~ the best said!

 

(BTW! The difference between in-laws and out-laws? Outlaws know they're wanted! :lmao: )

 

Second?

 

When it comes to describing yourself in any way shape, form or fashion?

 

"Worse than some ~ but better than most!"

 

There's always going to be someone smarter, better looking, witter, funnier etc.

 

Just as there's always going to be someone dumber, poorer, uglier, and more stupid!

 

IMHO?

 

I think your way ahead of the curve!

 

You come across as someone who's got their head in the game!

 

Stressed, but in the game!

 

From your posts about the husband, I can't help but think about Ron White the comedian. (To paraphrase)

 

"Modern medicine can't fix many a thing, but there's no fixing stupid!"

[beachbum84]

You come across to me as a very mature, responsible, caring woman ~ not just some woman that takes your vows likely ~ but just someone that needs her husband to mature, 'man up' and put the 'big boy' britches on! And be a man, a husband and a father.

 

Thanks for your words of wisdom throughout your post. It blows me away that a total stranger can take the words right out of my mouth, yet I can't get my H to understand. Perhaps he doesn't care???

 

So here's my question. How does one just grow up? He's 27 and still acts 17. I really don't know how to convince him to act more responsible. And how long does it take? I mean we've been married 4 years, and its been an issue since about 6 months in. It just has gotten severe in the past 2 with our daughter's arrival.

 

Let me ask this too. If I'm not heartbroken that he's gone, and actually feel relieved, how bad is that? I keep trying to convince myself that my anger is overiding all other emotions right now, thus making me numb. But then I feel like I should be mourning him, even a little bit. Shouldn't I? Am I really just a cold evil person.?...

 

When I was younger I was in a serious relationship where we dated 3 years, and were engaged for the last 8 months. He cheated on me, and then dumped me. At the time I was devestated, my life couldn't move on, I cried all the time, I called him non-stop pleading, begging, anything to make him change his mind. Now I am glad many years later for not being with him obviously. But my point in this is, in that situation I felt so much emotion and was so scared to lose him. But in this situation I am not devestated, I am not scared, I am not crying my eyes out. Maybe it hasn't been long enough in our separation, we are only on day 2. Or maybe its because I wasn't the one left (well techinquely he left, but it was b/c I asked him to). Or maybe its b/c he was never really around to begin with so my life really hasn't changed.

 

I am actually really enjoying the NC. Which scares me that I might be more than just fed up, but maybe I've emotionally checked out and didn't realize it till now.

[Gunny376]

Some people never grow up and you can't make them, nor show them no matter hard you try.

 

Change must come within ~ not because someone else wants them to change. And from your posts it sounds as he's not there ~ he's acting like a angry, pouting little boy becase he can't have his way.

 

He got (or tried) to get his Mother involved when its really none of her business, just as my DD's marriage and affairs aren't any of my business, (Exception! If SIL ever lays a hand on her! Then its my business! )

 

You can motivate someone by refusing them something they want, but most people aren't to go at utilizing the pain~pleasure methods involved?

 

Were it me I would just spell it out to him ~ line by line ~ even put it down on paper.

 

And what your asking for I don't believe is too much.

 

~ To spend more time together as couple and as a family

 

~ To get serious about college and your studies ~ or get serious about finding a better career path to support us and our family

 

~ To prioritize me your wife and daughter over your friends.

 

~ To help out more around the house, paying the bills, with the DD

 

~ To be more responsible and mature. Life isn't a dress rehearsal

 

To name but just a few

 

The person that cares the least emotionally controls the relationship

~ that would be you not him.

 

Your a woman, your were raised culturally and socially as a woman, you've been conditioned to be a woman, but most of all? Your brain is literally hardwired as a woman.

 

All women are about the same ~ yet they're each individually unique and different. Your husband is playing with fire ~ because the process of your disconnecting emotionally has already began.

 

If he doesn't make some serious changes about his perspective and his attitude not only toward your marriage, but marriage itself, life, etc......................

 

He's going to lose you. It may not be tomorrow, next month, next year?

But eventually.

 

When a woman begins emotionally disconnecting from her man? Its very hard for her to get it back ~ even if she wanted to.

 

Given enough time, and resistance on his part to become the man that you want / need him to be? You'll eventually reach a point where if the right man came along,............................

 

Right now its a separation. An in your conscious mind your open to eventual reconciliation. But, the clock is ticking and it doesn't look good for the home team (him)?

 

He keeps shutting your pleas out ~ what your feeling now will eventually lead to anger. And its all over with then.

[Gunny376]

So here's my question. How does one just grow up? He's 27 and still acts 17.

 

The problem with that is men are as a general rule about 10 years emotionally less mature than women ~ especially during our younger years.

 

Your basically dealing with a 17 year.

 

The best LTR relationship I've ever had was with a woman 9-1/2 years younger than I when I was 33. We got along great ~ but broke up because of family commitments, and geographic. (LTR turned into a long distance relationship.

 

This lessens generally as we age in years and gain experience in Life and with relationships. For example a man 42 or 52 doesn't necessarily need to go and find someone ten years younger than he to have a successful relationship.

 

And if such a man of such an age were to go and get a woman 25 years of age ~ she would probably drive him nuts, even though she may (or may not) have the emotional maturity of a 35 year old.

 

Also relationship experience plays a big part in all of this. Most men by the age of 23 simply don't have enough relationship experience under their belts to make a relationship/marriage work.

 

The divorce rate for men that get married under the age of 25?

 

90%

 

The main reasons being lack of emotional maturing, lack of experience, not being grounded occupationally, financially, emotionally, etc. They simply haven't lived long enough to establish and lay a foundation for the rest of their lives.

 

Men today (well some) when they want to get married go and ask the father's permission.

 

Some would argue that this is 'Biblical" and old fashion? Others would argue that its out respect?

 

It that ~ and comes from a time back before we had welfare, food stamps, 'Aid For Dependent Children" Section 8 housing, women working and many cases earning more than husbands?

 

Its only been about 90 years since women gained the right to vote.

 

100 years ago the reason divorce was so uncommon as it is today was because the husband automatically got 100% of everything from the marriage.

 

Women might get custody of the children? If the man conceded to such?

If he didn't? He automatically got custody of the children.

 

The reason for asking the father permission to marry his daughter? Was because if the marriage failed? The father became responsble for feeding, sheltering, clothing her and her children.

 

So before a man could even think about getting married he had to learn a trade, demonstrate that he could support a wife and subsequent children, etc.

 

If your DH is going to stay in the food service industry? He needs to at least move up to the management level ~ which means working sixty to seventy hour weeks for the rest of his life.

 

The computer science field is a wash ~ because that's pretty much is going to get him a job at Best Buy working for about the same as he's making now on the Geek Squad.

 

I know these things because I live in a college (TU) town. CIS majors are a dime a dozen.

 

Programmers are subject to frequent layoffs. (And statisically once laid off your twice as subject to be laid off again) A co-worker son who worked for IBM for years, got laid off and is now back home living with his wife ~ and he's gifted at with a 3.9 GPA. He had to move from NC back to AL to find a job ~ and he found that job because of someone he knew.

[LakesideDream]

BB, you certainly are in a world of s**t. You are learning lessions though. One lesson you've leared is to keep your own council, talking to the MIL was a mistake. I doubt any long term good will come from it. Probably the same should be said about your dad, although that's a tougher call.

 

BB my guess is that your Husband is just not mature enough for a relationship with you. Men often don't mature fast enough to be husbands. I make no claims to knowing my ass from a hole in the ground until I was fifty or so. That may be an exaggeration, and I may have been lucky to have been married to a woman less mature than I was.

 

My advice is to start making grown up decisions. Your child needs a mature adult with a head on her shoulders looking for her interests. Don't hope for much from the "NC", he's gonna be back. Whimper and whining and pulling on your heart strings. There's nothing else he can do. A man who cannot focus enough to succeed in school (not difficult) or find another way to support his family, is not going to give up his support system and meal ticket. Phew.. any adult who if failing in school and still has the time to "unwind" playing video games would (and hasn't!) received sympathy from me.

 

My guess, yes guess is that he's a decade or more from having the heart and wisdom to be a Husband and Father. That's not your fault. Again, start making the decisions you must in order to protect you and your daughter. You are the only one who's going to do it.

[Gunny376]

Rubbing hair back!

 

How to say this?

 

Lakeside and I are former and retired Marines!

 

Lakeside is a former Vietnam Veteran!

 

A Marine Corps Captain!

 

I'm a retired United States Marrine Corps Gunney Sergeant!

 

I've been married ~ once!

We don't say such likely!

 

We honor them!

 

We meant them!

 

So help us God!

[LakesideDream]

A thought just struck me... after my third fruit cup. BB why not suggest to your Hubby that he march on down to the recruiter, and enlist in the Corps? With three years of IT he should be able to get a pretty good program.

 

If he makes it through U.S.M.C. Boot, you'll know that he's worth a good try from you. Four successful years from now the Corps. will pay him to finish school. He'll be the better for it too.

 

Then when he's home for good you can tell him that the Job of Husband is his, unless he dies, or you find someone better.

 

Was that one to many fruit cups worth of advice?

[Gunny376]

Yea that was my thought!

 

But most cannot hang with tha' Corps!

 

The 'Killer Elite!"

 

It cost me!

 

It cost me my wife, my marriage! My family!

[LakesideDream]

Is the OP still around? I hope she wasn't a hit and run.

[beachbum84]

Sorry, I'm not a hit and run. I am a busy mother, and given that I am 3 days into my separation my mind as been in a bazillion places all at once. I do appreciate everyone's advice.

 

So I went to the beach today with my family, as we do every Sunday. We take our boats out to a "private" island, set up camp and stay all day. Its always so much fun. I couldn't help but think today I wish my H could be there. As I do every time we go. His schedule never allows for him to do anything like that and it just kills me. My little girl asked all day where her daddy was. So needless to say I feel like crap.

 

He told me on Friday that his next off day would be Tuesday and he'd pick DD up from daycare and spend the evening with her until her bedtime. At that time I could come home so he could leave. We are NC right now and I just really really really feel this overwhelming need to email me to simply confirm this. He usually forgets the smallest and the largest details contstantly. I usually pick her up. What if he doesn't? What if he's so mad, so stressed, so I dunno and just forgets? I know I shouldn't email him. But I really hate that I have to just wait and see about this. I'm so used to being forced to being in control of everything that it scares me now to think he may forget. On any other day that he might pick her up I usually call him around 4 to "see how he is doing". I usually wake him up and get, "I'm glad you called I overslept, and I'd hate Chloe to wonder where I am." UGH...

 

I realize I have created my own problem here. I realize that I have done everything for him for so long that maybe its my fault he can't function alone and/or for himself. I really wish I wouldn't have been such a take charge person.

 

While at the beach today EVERYONE wanted to know how I was doing, and for those who didn't know, they wanted to know how Jason was doing, what classes did he have this semester, and on and on and on. I felt a little trapped for the first time on that tiny island. I came hoping for a little escape doing one of the few passions I have always had. I love boating, swimming, anything water related. But as I answered my DD 100 times that Daddy was at work and loved her, and told some I didn't know what classes he had, and that I didn't know how he was. I had my Uncle really try and have a heart to heart with me. I told him that H wanted 1 week NC and would call me after that. He told me that if he calls in 1 week to answer and tell him that I need at least one more week before I am ready. He says that I need the "ball" to remain in my court.

 

Is that all this really is, a game?? I didn't realize that I was playing a game with the fate of my marriage. I don't know what to make of that. I am not pushing for a D yet, and I feel that if I were to do that to my H that it would push him over the edge. I think that is just immature and playing with fire. Yet a small part of me does feel like him squirm a little. I haven't decided what to do, I'm not really begging for control over this situation. Probably b/c one of my reasons for this was to gain some control over my life, not him, not this situation. So I don't know.