Overwhelmed and need space...

[ryepatch]

not inappropriate at all! as for talking to him, try to figure out when he's most receptive to the subject. on a long drive? right after sex? when you've both been drinking? on the beach? whatever. just ask if there's anything he's thought of doing that he might like to try. or stop suddenly in the middle and ask him. there's a sex forum elsewhere on LS, too.

 

take charge!

[beachbum84]

Well the party was boring, but I didn't care, b/c I finally got my husband's attention. Phew! I think that party was a little slap of reality that he needed. Days after the party his friends were messing with him telling me that if it didn't work out between us could they have my #. LOL. Not interested in them at all, but it gave my H a small glimpse that if he didn't shape up that I wouldn't stay a lonely spinster for long. Also I think it made him realize what he truly has and what he stands to lose if he just doesn't man up.

 

MC has been going well. I definitely recommend it for anyone of you who are wondering if it works or is worth it at all. It has helped tremendously bring light to our true problems, and has offered direct advice on how to correct them and ways to never repeat them. Its been a little rocky trying to overcome 4 years of routine behavior but we seem to be doing much better than we are backsliding. He has started standing up to his parents, and drawing strong and clear boundaries with them, which has been so nice. I welcome this change, but at the same time I can't shake this horrible feeling of how long will this last. I hate to be pessimistic when I should be 100% elated. But I definitely think it is just something time will have to heal. We all know once bitten twice shy.

 

I know not all women say they want space b/c they really need it to come back and make their marriage stronger. But in this case it has. Looking back and from reading other's posts I realize that requesting space from him probably sent a scary message, but it was something I needed. Given time we both were able to see things clearer and gain a better respect for each other and our relationship. It was not easy, but the things in life that matter the most sometimes have to be fought for.

[ryepatch]

great to hear that MC's going well. expect some backsliding, of course, everyone has a bad day. don't stop with MC too early, either.

[Gunny376]

At the risk of coming off ~~ "GAY?"

 

 

Your're a rare soul Ryepatch!

[beachbum84]

So its been weeks since I've been on here. Trying to focus on my family and marriage. And its just evident that this is not going to work out.

I am really just torn up about the whole thing. I really just want a divorce, yet I feel like I still love him. I haven't been able to figure out if I'm mourning the memory of him, or what exactly.

 

My H has pretty much just explained to me numerous times in the past week that he just doesn't have time to be my friend, my husband, or help out around the house or be an active parent. And that I am supposed to be supportive and understanding to that and stand by his side through this. Once he graduates and finds a job in his field at that point he'll have time for me.

 

So I'm just supposed to live lonely for 2 more years, we've already been married 4!? WTF! He does not want a divorce, yet he does nothing to fix our problems. He makes these wild accusations that he'll have full-custody of our daughter if we split, no one will want me, find me attractive, I'm an unfit mother, on and on. With words like that I can't understand why he doesn't want a divorce.

 

We tried counseling, but he was always late, stood me up once, and then once counseling got to giving us solutions to our problems he absolutely refused to own anything, change anything, admit wrong doing to anything. So I told him I won't be going anymore, its not working or making anything better.

 

I'm not feeling strong right now. I want to leave him. I don't want my daughter to suffer from a split up, I don't want to be the B*&ch in this situation. But he is just making this unbearable for me. I am just so wound up right now I don't even know what to do. Our lease runs up in May and for now we are both going to reside here, "married" yet we aren't talking, I gave him back my wedding and promise ring. We don't hug, kiss, say I love you, speak civilly, and there is zero sex. God I feel so stuck. I have 0 money for a lawyer, he doesn't want mediation. He is just making everything so much more difficult than it needs to be.

 

Sorry for the sob story, just having a horrible few weeks, and its all coming to head today, not sure why but it has. I just feel like sobbing at my desk, so instead I'm on here venting. ugh

[Auroracoladybug]

This is the only place that I truly feel like I can vent everything so go on as long as you need to... I understand what you are saying...you and your family aren't coming first for him and you need that now... J has told me several times that he was afraid that things would just continue to be the way they were...If a person really wants to save their relationship and be there then they should be willing to do everything they can to make communication open and make changes for both parties...

[beachbum84]

This is the only place that I truly feel like I can vent everything so go on as long as you need to... I understand what you are saying...you and your family aren't coming first for him and you need that now... J has told me several times that he was afraid that things would just continue to be the way they were...If a person really wants to save their relationship and be there then they should be willing to do everything they can to make communication open and make changes for both parties...

 

I hear you. I totally feel the same way. I have stayed, I have tried to be patient, I've tried to not expect the world and be happy with any sign of sincere change. But the problem is I only get change when things come to a head every 5 days or so when he finally opens up, apologizes, begs me to wait a little longer, promises me the world. Then the very next day its back to the same ole same ole. I am so tired of being his yo-yo. I'm tired of him pushing things to the extreme and then bringing them back only far enough to calm me down for that evening. I don't feel he has any intentions on changing, and as of the whole "I honestly just don't have time for you" speech I hear it loud and clear now.

 

He tells me he doesn't want me to leave, yet he won't make time for me, he does not even attempt to meet my needs, and my wants, hell those never get met! But all the while that he has no time for me I am expected to be here for him, meet his needs, his wants, raise his child, take care of both cars, the house, the budget, the grocery shopping, and hold down a full time job. WTF is that?

 

He doesn't want me, but doesn't want anyone else to have me. But according to him no one else would ever want me. Apparently to him I am a b*&ch, ugly, cold, and on and on. Yet if I am all those things why would he want to be with me??? Why does he want me to stay?? His mom can take care of all the things in his life that I do. Its not like we have a physical relationship of any kind that he'll miss out on. And on that note I feel like I am at my peak in that dept of life and I totally resent him for not being here and fullfilling my needs during that period of my life. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH... I want out so bad its not even funny. I want nothing more to do with that man. I want him to just go away and never come back. I am so angry right now. Phew, that felt good. LOL.

[beachbum84]

oh funny detail... We went bowling a couple of weeks ago with his buddies. One of his friends had a little too much to drink I believe b/c after a few games as I went up to bowl he blurted out to another friend of my H, "Man if things don't work out with her and Jason I would totally f*u*c*k her. She's f'in hot!". So after I returned to the table I received a huge embarrassing kiss from my H, first one in a long time. He obviously was P.O.ed about his friends comment. But it made me feel so angry that the one time he shows me affection is when he feels threatened by another guy. So lame. His jealousy was short lived and the affection stopped as quickly as it came on.

[PWSX3]

Google Henry Cloud, John Townsend & they have a web site that might be able to help answer some of your questions. It is a Christian based way of looking at your marriage so it might not be your cup of tea.

 

I've been taking classes that are based from there books & it has been so helpful. You can spend hours on there web site.

[beachbum84]

So I am from Michigan, with most of my family still there. My Uncle has recently passed away and his memorial has been set for this weekend. I am leaving tomorrow to head up there for it, w/o the H, but with DD. My mom who still lives in MI is very excited to see us, as I am to see her. She was supposed to come down here the week of Thanksgiving. But given the war zone at my house I am just not sure of that anymore. After talking to her last night she wants me to come home w/ DD, and w/o H for the week of Thanksgiving. And to just unplug, turn phone off, and not check email. She thinks it will give me some much needed time away from him, time with my friends and family, and give him time to feel reality for a week.

 

I sooo want to do this. I couldn't commit last night though. I just feel as if that would do more harm and damage then I should be doing. I do want to get away from him, even if it is just a weekend here and a week there. But this would be the first holiday ever that I would be gone, and especially our DD. I worry that this would be a bad move. I do care for him still, just not sure if I really care for this to work out between us. I'm not wishing him despair, and a huge payback.

 

Yet the devil inside me keeps egging me on. Come on, just leave, its only a week. Its his turn to come home to an empty house, and go to bed alone. Its his turn to have to take care of things alone, w/o you there to explain it, pick up the slack, or even be available for him to contact.

 

Not sure what I'm going to do. Her coming down is going to be awkward, we have a small 2 bd apt, so there is no avoiding him while home. We are tense to say the least right now. I'm not willing to put on a show for my mom to save his feelings, and I know he'll want to pretend that things are fine while she's here. I'm so over that.

 

Any thoughts?

[Logik]

I don't know why you're even considering NOT going away for a week. You have the opportunity to do it, then do it. You can't let him carry on getting away with what he's doing. He obviously doesn't see the pain he's causing, because if he did, he wouldn't be doing it. Give him a week alone to think about what he's doing.

 

It seems that everything up until now is being done HIS way. He won't change anything if this continues. Do something YOUR way for once otherwise you're gonna sit in this state for way too long, then you'll snap and end your marriage and never go back because it's gone too far. You can't change what he's doing or what he's going to do. You can just do what you need to do.

[Gunny376]

IMHO I think you should go back home and once you get there?

 

STAY!

 

This guy needs a lesson in objectivity, and reality ~ along with a new attitude.

 

Where does he get off telling you he's "not got the time" to help with the DD and with the household chores? Because he works a full time job and goes to college full time.

 

New Flash for you Slick! There's literally tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands, even millions up to billions of people that do this every single day ~ day in and day out.

 

Mostly women ~ for the most part with more than one child.

 

When I retired from the Corps I went back to college to finish my bachelors. I worked forty hours a week, ~ and it was just me, myself and I.

 

I was the one that had to cook the meals, take out the trash, vacuum, wash clothes, etc.

 

Along with go to class, study two to three hours per course for every one hour I was in class.

 

What he's not getting is that he's thinking he's got it rough. He's not understanding, comprehending that its "Hell On The Home front" too!

 

That's why so many Marines end up in divorce court.

 

The toughest job in the Marines is being a Marines' wife!

 

Your married to a "Mama's Boy" and Mama's Boy needs to choose between her or his wife and DD.

 

In so far as him getting sole custody of the DD in Alabama? :lmao: :lmao:

 

Yea that's going to happen!

 

You could be a world renowned porn star with multiple DVDs available on the market and he wouldn't stand a chance of getting sole custody in Alabama.

 

As a local judge recently ruled when a defendant proclaimed that the child wasn't even his?

 

"Well you just make sure you pay your child support each month, and keep him feed and clothed until he starts looking like you!"

 

I know guys in Alabama that are paying 3/4's of their net income in child support. (Granted they had children by three different women ~ thus three different child support cases)

 

Alabama is deadly serious when it comes to child support. When it comes to enforcing the law.