compre11111 Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Long time reader, first time poster..... Here's my situation in a nutshell. Been dating this girl -- let's call her Laura -- for 2 weeks, after we met about a month ago online and set up our first date back in late July. First date was so-so, but to my surprise, she suggested a second date. The second date was terrific -- romantic dinner, followed by a late night walk, and some basic intimacy at her place. She cooked dinner for our third date, and we got more intimate at her place after dinner. No sex (I'm not looking for sex necessarily this early anyway), but there's definitely a physical escalation each date, and even when her roommates walked in, she didn't flinch while we were cuddled up together. It was as though she wanted to show off the fact that we were close. I'm going out with her and her friends tomorrow, followed by a dinner for just us -- and then, we're cooking together at my place on Saturday night. I know......this isn't Hollywood material or anything, but for only 2 weeks, it's moving pretty quickly. For an extremely busy and popular girl, I did manage to get her on both Friday and Saturday night this weekend, and hopefully again on Sunday. So she's definitely interested. Here's the thing.......she's very busy socially, and has a ton of friends. She has dated a lot in the past, and could easily line up dates galore. I'm not looking to rush things, but I do see a ton of potential here, and until I know if she's dating other guys, I'm going to drive myself crazy. One would hope that a girl that demonstrates this level of interest and intimacy wouldn't be dating other guys, but it happens. I'm thinking about just casually asking tomorrow night if she's dating other guys. Something like, "hey, no big deal, but I was just wondering if you're dating other guys?". I don't want to come across as needy or less-than-confident, but I also want to know whether I should invest emotionally or not. I'm not the type who can date casually without thinking about the big picture. Am I better off not asking and just letting this thing play out, or is this something that I should do? Link to post Share on other sites
kizik Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Don't be so insecure. Why would she date other guys? She's got you. Anyway, it's not really your business. You run the risk of driving her away if you ask her this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author compre11111 Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 Yes, I realize that insecurity is an issue......partly a product of the fact that I was pretty serious with a girl who, as it turned out, was dating another guy and decided to make things exclusive with the other guy after we had been dating for awhile -- long after I was already emotionally invested. I'd rather not date other girls casually while I'm with Laura, because I want to give this a chance. But at the same time, if she's dating others, then I need to give myself options as well. Link to post Share on other sites
EYECANDY000 Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 I wouldnt start the sentance off " its not a big deal" because obviously it is, but i would definately ask! Link to post Share on other sites
kizik Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 *sigh* Buddy, you are dating a girl. Life is short. Enjoy it for what it is. Do not go mess this up with your insecurities and jealousy. Just have fun with this girl. Enjoy your time together. And for god's sake, don't ask her that. Link to post Share on other sites
utterer of lies Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 When to ask about whether she's dating other guys Never. Link to post Share on other sites
letinmotion Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Nothing has value that is easily obtained. By asking her that question you are revealing your eagerness to jump into the relationship and are lowering your value by showing your insecurity. Be a man and live your life and gradually bring her into it little by little. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
kizik Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Nothing has value that is easily obtained. Very well-said. Link to post Share on other sites
northstar1 Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 As others have said, just enjoy it now. It's too early to worry about that. Just see how it goes. Don't put undue pressure on things after 2 weeks man. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamergrl Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Perhaps you could hold out until you guys are ready to have sex.... Link to post Share on other sites
northstar1 Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Very well-said. Porn is the only exception I can think of here. Link to post Share on other sites
Chicago_Guy Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Don't be so insecure. Why would she date other guys? She's got you. Anyway, it's not really your business. You run the risk of driving her away if you ask her this. I disagree - it definitely is his business, although I agree that he cannot ask right now after only two dates. Because he met her on a dating website, she may very well be dating other people. She should wait awhile and if she really likes him she might bring this up. Link to post Share on other sites
northstar1 Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 I disagree - it definitely is his business, although I agree that he cannot ask right now after only two dates. Because he met her on a dating website, she may very well be dating other people. You have to assume, especially if you met online, that she is still dating others. But you can't let that bother you until you feel that it might turn into something worthwhile. I'd at least wait 5-6 dates and see. There is a line between enjoying dating and wasting your time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author compre11111 Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 Just to clarify......we've been going out for 2 weeks, not 2 dates. Still, not a long time, but we've been out 5 times. It'll be 7-8 dates after this weekend. Everyone's advice is well taken. Nothing in life worth having comes easy......I guess I can't let previous bad experiences convince me into doing something well-intentioned but regrettable this time around. We are going out with 5-6 of her friends tomorrow night, so perhaps the fact that i'll be introduced to her closest friends is a great opportunity to make an impression. I'll just leave it at that, and take it one step at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author compre11111 Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 By the way, only a few days after our first date, she closed out her online dating account. The signs point to her being very interested and not necessarily looking to date other guys, but the uncertainty is always in the back of my mind. It's just insecurity I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Dont worry about investing emotionally until you see HER invest emotionally. So if you want to see other women now, go ahead. But NEVER ask, it could turn her off. If youre not sure whether or not you should ask, youre not in the drivers seat. So dont. Link to post Share on other sites
northstar1 Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 By the way, only a few days after our first date, she closed out her online dating account. The signs point to her being very interested and not necessarily looking to date other guys, but the uncertainty is always in the back of my mind. It's just insecurity I guess. If you've seen her 5 times in 2 weeks you're doing well my friend. And if she's taking you to meet her friends, also a good sign. Just relax and enjoy it. She may very well bring up the topic before you do. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 OK...shoe on the other foot... I'm seeing a guy, not for very long. I'm pretty damn positive that he's not dating anyone else, but I'm really not insecure about it. Well, when we saw each other last I was clearing something on my phone and he made a comment to the effect that I have all these guys calling me. LOL I joked, "Oh, yeah - you know, tons!" He said, "Yeaahhh, not surprising." It was a little uncomfortable. Would I be out of bounds to tell this guy that I'm no multi-dater? Was his comment a hint that he didn't want me dating anyone else? Should I say anything? Or does it even matter? Link to post Share on other sites
northstar1 Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 OK...shoe on the other foot... I'm seeing a guy, not for very long. I'm pretty damn positive that he's not dating anyone else, but I'm really not insecure about it. Well, when we saw each other last I was clearing something on my phone and he made a comment to the effect that I have all these guys calling me. LOL I joked, "Oh, yeah - you know, tons!" He said, "Yeaahhh, not surprising." It was a little uncomfortable. Would I be out of bounds to tell this guy that I'm no multi-dater? Was his comment a hint that he didn't want me dating anyone else? Should I say anything? Or does it even matter? Nah leave it. Make him think you are dating others so you keep him on his toes Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Nah leave it. Make him think you are dating others so you keep him on his toesYou're kidding, right? Like, this guy (who is probably a very good fellow) now thinks he's in competition with others? I don't know about you, but that would make me drop her like a rotten potato at a maggot festival. Life's too short and there are too many attractive and available women around to be in competition with other guys. Link to post Share on other sites
northstar1 Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 You're kidding, right? Like, this guy (who is probably a very good fellow) now thinks he's in competition with others? I don't know about you, but that would make me drop her like a rotten potato at a maggot festival. Life's too short and there are too many attractive and available women around to be in competition with other guys. Yeah, I was in jest Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Oooookay...so that's a definite, "Mention it to him." LOL Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Like, this guy (who is probably a very good fellow) now thinks he's in competition with others? And FTR...I've never met any guy that could compete with this guy. But I do think it's a little early to get quite THAT mushy. LOL The last thing I'd want to do is push him away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author compre11111 Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 Which is why I was thinking about coming right out and asking. Ideally, I'd much rather date one girl exclusively rather than multiple girls -- assuming that the connection was strong with the one girl. But if she's dating multiple guys, then that would change everything. Of course, I wouldn't automatically assume that I'd lose that competition. In fact, I'd give myself decent odds, and she's worth fighting for. But my enthusiasm would drop like a rock under those circumstances, just knowing that she has other guys on her mind all while I'm trying to get to know her exclusively. I would definitely seek out other girls at that point. I realize that dating involves a bit of strategy, and being 100% open and honest about being interested in someone isn't the way it always works. But I've always been one to be up front and honest -- sometimes, that has cost me. But that's just who I am. I guess I need to strike a better balance between that honesty and playing it smart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author compre11111 Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 The last thing I'd want to do is push him away. I'm not sure why a guy would feel pressured or uneasy by a girl admitting that she's not dating multiple people. I realize that guys typically take longer to commit, but if a guy runs at that point, he's an idiot. But of course, it all depends on how you phrase it. Link to post Share on other sites
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