Women and Sex

[Nemoralis]

It seems like thread after thread on here is mainly about women not wanting sex after a few years of marriage. It always starts out the same, with the husband claiming that they had a great sex life in the beginning (usually before marriage) but that it declined later down the road.

 

I understand sex dwindling slightly with age and kids. But no sex at all? I can't comprehend it. I am a woman and I start getting confused when my boyfriend and I aren't having sex nearly every night. It's not that our relationship is based on sex, but I crave that intimacy on a VERY regular basis. I have been in an almost sexless relationship before, and looking back on it I could never do it again. I know that right now we are young and can't keep this up forever, but I could never imagine having sex less than a few times most weeks.

 

But what if I suddenly become one of those women too? It seems like it happens even to women who had seemingly high sex drives in the beginning and promised their men that they wouldn't change. How do I know I won't end up like that?

 

lol. Maybe this seems like a dumb question for most of you with real problems. But it's starting to concern me!

[Lyssa]

But what if I suddenly become one of those women too? It seems like it happens even to women who had seemingly high sex drives in the beginning and promised their men that they wouldn't change. How do I know I won't end up like that?

 

lol. Maybe this seems like a dumb question for most of you with real problems. But it's starting to concern me!

 

I'm with you!

 

But it seems that when you reach 30ish, it gets better...

[giotto]

As a man, I can only say that I am the deepest fog about this! I reckon, though, that some women just lose interest and sexual attraction towards their partner once they have fulfilled their natural role (some would say 'sperm donor'). It's possibly an unconscious process. Either that, or the sex drive gradually disappears with the years and the kids... I believe that if you still love your man and are sexually attracted to him, and you really want to see him happy - because you love him - you would have sex with him, regardless of the lack of libido... but when a woman loses interest in the partner and you add all the baggage which comes with a long term marriage, it's not surprising that there is no sex. So, I think men should stop kidding themselves with MC and stuff if there is a sex problem... you've been technically dumped!

[kakui215]

While the case of a wife losing interest in sex does seem more common, I've read about quite a few women complaining about their husbands losing interest. In any case, I've had trouble understanding how one partner could lose interest, then do nothing about it, just throwing his/her hands up in the air expecting the other partner to just accept that that's the way it is!

[jasminetea]

I have periods of time where I don't feel much like sex, despite the fact my husband and I used to make love all the time. But it hasn't become an issue for me, I love my husband enough to just get on with it and do it anyway.

 

What's weird is the more I do it the more I want to do it, so by making the effort even when I don't feel like it, is beneficial not just for my husband.

 

[confusedinkansas]

I am a woman and I start getting confused when my boyfriend and I aren't having sex

 

I am older (47) - not ancient - but older - & married 29 years. There was not much sex prior to married (long distance relationship) - BUT - when we were first married - Yes, adequate sex (IMO) But if we went for a few days without it, yep I'd become concerned. Well then kids come along & life & mortgages....etc. Well then the sex dwingles down as well........

 

BUT........Once the kids were out of the house - late 30's - the sex picked right back up again.

 

The MEN that complain about the sex - My theory on this is - THEY ARE getting sex at home. But in their minds everyone else around them is having MORE! Therefore, they feel like they are being deprived something that they are OWED in a marriage! Poo Foo - MEN - You all lie to each other. Men who claim they aren't getting enough at home - go out looking for MORE excitement! Because LIFE has slapped them in the face. (yes, some of us women are just as guilty)

LIFE is a main reason that sex dwindles in relationships & marriages. IMO:cool:

[redtail]

If you ever figure it out, write a book and you'll be an overnight success!

 

"Marriage is the fire hose to the sexual fire."

[flavius]

It is so wrong.

 

Let me oversimplify:

 

The typical evil of men is to wander off and then complain their wife doesn't love them. Sorry if I don't feel sorry for them.

 

The typical evil of women is to go cold as a fish and then complain their husband doesn't love them. Sorry if I don't feel sorry for them.

 

I chose the word evil carefully. Each is using their power to destroy. One is as much an adulterer as the other.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I am no position to really comment - seeing as i'm not married.

 

I think it seems perfectly natural. I think it could be all manner of things.

 

1) In the early days, the woman may have been appearing more 'willing', exciting, fun. I know many girls/women that don't enjoy sex but do it for the sake of it in the early days. But if you never enjoyed sex to begin with, I guess in the end, it becomes a pointless and hollow charade to keep up.

 

2) I think generally it is harder to please women and some men can't. As such the woman gives up expecting to be satisfied by sex with her partner.

 

3) Some women view sex as the means to an end for a baby. Men see it more as fun. This can go back to biologically women need to settle down and raise the child and men can go on to have more children with many partners. As such after motherhood, there would be no biological/hormonal need for a woman to continue wanting sex.

 

4) Cannot seperate the role of mother and wife from the role of woman or lover.

 

5) For some women I imagine the pain/discomfort of childbirth could scar a woman from having sex again. I mean I don't know much on the subject but doesn't the vagina loosen meaning sex would be less pleasurable anyway?

 

These are all just general thoughts!

 

What you need to know is:

has the woman lost her sex drive all together?

Or just with her partner?

If she was with a new man would she be sexual?

Does she masturbate?

If the sex drive is altogether gone and the woman is happy this way, and it is natural, then really why should this change? If she is unhappy and it is other issues, thats when something must be done.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I am no position to really comment - seeing as i'm not married.

 

I think it seems perfectly natural. I think it could be all manner of things.

 

1) In the early days, the woman may have been appearing more 'willing', exciting, fun. I know many girls/women that don't enjoy sex but do it for the sake of it in the early days. But if you never enjoyed sex to begin with, I guess in the end, it becomes a pointless and hollow charade to keep up.

 

2) I think generally it is harder to please women and some men can't. As such the woman gives up expecting to be satisfied by sex with her partner.

 

3) Some women view sex as the means to an end for a baby. Men see it more as fun. This can go back to biologically women need to settle down and raise the child and men can go on to have more children with many partners. As such after motherhood, there would be no biological/hormonal need for a woman to continue wanting sex.

 

4) Cannot seperate the role of mother and wife from the role of woman or lover.

 

5) For some women I imagine the pain/discomfort of childbirth could scar a woman from having sex again. I mean I don't know much on the subject but doesn't the vagina loosen meaning sex would be less pleasurable anyway?

 

These are all just general thoughts!

 

What you need to know is:

has the woman lost her sex drive all together?

Or just with her partner?

If she was with a new man would she be sexual?

Does she masturbate?

If the sex drive is altogether gone and the woman is happy this way, and it is natural, then really why should this change? If she is unhappy and it is other issues, thats when something must be done.

 

Also it must be recognised that many men lose their sex drives also, some for a similar reason i.e. not being able to view the mother of their child as a sexual object anymore / baggage or issues in the relationship / letting themselves go and not feeling energetic or sexy etc.

[quankanne]

I've had trouble understanding how one partner could lose interest, then do nothing about it, just throwing his/her hands up in the air expecting the other partner to just accept that that's the way it is!

 

this is the part that stumps me most. I miss having sex, but I've managed to do without ... from DH. My hand and I have become intimately acquainted, however

 

BUT the whole, "I'm not in the mood, I don't want to, don't force me" thing coupled with the attitude that "we won't talk about it and our relationship is just fine" kills me. Uh, no, it's not. He shouldn't feel forced into doing something he has no interest in, but I shouldn't be expected to submerge my needs to suit him – surely there's nice compromise both can be happy with, but that ain't gonna happen until both partners are willing to address the issue.

 

meanwhile, I'm beginning to see why people screw around on their partners ...

[quankanne]

bump, because I'm curious to hear other takes on this issue

[sally4sara]

I think some of the theories on why this happens have been mentioned but are not always the case.

Of my own failed 8 year marriage as well as the accounts of some male and female friends:

 

Sometimes part of attraction has to do with the effort behind it. When your partner (either gender) is unwilling to try new things or even wonders about who or where you found the new thing every time you want to try something new, you lose interest because it grows boring and frustrating. You'd rather just go to sleep after a while.

Perhaps they betrayed your trust in some way and now, without the emotional intimacy, you cannot enjoy the physical intimacy near enough to want to forgo sleep or some other activity.

Your partner use to groom themselves better and you didn't have to smell their jockey's cooking in the hamper as your bedroom aromatherapy scent prior to cohabitation. They didn't barge into the bathroom while you're flossing to take a leisurely dump till a few years into the marriage. Now they do and it is just killing the romance. It varies, but some grooming habits should remain private it seems.

One partner use to delight in making the other feel good but after a couple years - doesn't bother to last longer than the 15 and 5 (the 15 min BJ prior to 5 minutes of sex). You wonder why they couldn't just masturbate and let you sleep as it has obviously stopped being a mutual activity for them and is only about their release.

[mem11363]

This truly requires two people who both believe that passion is a core part of marriage. My wife and I do believe that, and have made passion, sex, emotional intimacy a core set of priorities.

 

So in year 20, I am IN LOVE with my lovely wife and she with me. I will not claim that we have been in love the entire 20 years. I would say about 1/2, and the other 1/2 the fires burned a lot dimmer.

 

I think it is SO worth the effort.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It seems like thread after thread on here is mainly about women not wanting sex after a few years of marriage. It always starts out the same, with the husband claiming that they had a great sex life in the beginning (usually before marriage) but that it declined later down the road.

 

I understand sex dwindling slightly with age and kids. But no sex at all? I can't comprehend it. I am a woman and I start getting confused when my boyfriend and I aren't having sex nearly every night. It's not that our relationship is based on sex, but I crave that intimacy on a VERY regular basis. I have been in an almost sexless relationship before, and looking back on it I could never do it again. I know that right now we are young and can't keep this up forever, but I could never imagine having sex less than a few times most weeks.

 

But what if I suddenly become one of those women too? It seems like it happens even to women who had seemingly high sex drives in the beginning and promised their men that they wouldn't change. How do I know I won't end up like that?

 

lol. Maybe this seems like a dumb question for most of you with real problems. But it's starting to concern me!

[norajane]

Familiarity breeds contempt. Contempt kills passion.

[mem11363]

I have periods of time where I don't feel much like sex, despite the fact my husband and I used to make love all the time. But it hasn't become an issue for me, I love my husband enough to just get on with it and do it anyway.

 

What's weird is the more I do it the more I want to do it, so by making the effort even when I don't feel like it, is beneficial not just for my husband.

 

 

 

And Jasminetea has perfectly described my wifes behavior regarding sex. And I will give you the rational male response to that: Profound love and grattitude for our wives who are willing to exert themselves to cut through the fog of indifference they initial feel - and have sex with us. That is a true act of love, an act of determination. And I LOVE and am grateful to my wife for doing this.

[Trialbyfire]

Nemoralis, do you also worry about the price of rice in China?

 

Whatever you prioritize within a relationship, will be what you maintain.

[Thornton]

After a while the novelty wears off, particularly if the woman wasn't so much into the guy to begin with, or if she married him for kids or security more than for true love. Maybe the guy isn't good at satisfying her and she gets sick of giving him sex when she gets nothing out of it. Or perhaps one or both spouses has let themselves go somewhat, and the woman either no longer feels sexy or no longer feels attracted to her husband. Perhaps he no longer makes an effort to be romantic and to make her happy, so her love for him begins to wane, and with it her attraction to him.

[deux ex machina]

...But what if I suddenly become one of those women too? It seems like it happens even to women who had seemingly high sex drives in the beginning and promised their men that they wouldn't change. How do I know I won't end up like that?

 

lol. Maybe this seems like a dumb question for most of you with real problems. But it's starting to concern me!

 

 

 

 

Every situation is so different, really. I think this is important to put that up front...

 

You have a woman, striving to get that man. It's competitive, fun. The honeymoon period is on, she and he are both on their best behavior.

 

This can last for anywhere from 2-3 years.

 

After that, somewhere along the way she's not feeling it anymore. But she doesn't admit it, not even to herself. Certainly not to him.

 

She should.

 

Anyway, she starts getting tired sometimes, and she starts to discover that she doesn't necessarily have to have sex if she doesn't want to, yet he sticks around. Sometimes, even more.

 

The reason she gets tired when thinking of it, is because in the beginning, when she wasn't sure she had him yet, she pulled out the stops - and she liked it. Lights, cameras, action, lingerie, you-name-it, he got it. So did she.

 

The trouble with it all, is she has now come to associate all of the preparation with the sex act itself (a lot of the time) - keep in mind the honeymoon period is over, she is less motivated, she already has him, too.

 

Possibly children factor in about this time. A blessing and a curse. Children can be a strong motivating force to keep a family together, but they require so much care, that child care duties can be both a damper/reason not to stay close.

 

Men and women NEED to touch. To bond deeply. I don't feel it is optional.

 

And when they don't?

 

He comes her way, but the only time he seems to do it, is when he wants sex.

 

This starts to annoy her, just a little at first...but every time it happens she gets more and more annoyed, until she is downright irritated. Kind of kills the romance, no?

 

So, here she is associating sex with prep work and he is coming her way, wanting sex now...she doesn't feel the bond like she used to...the honeymoon is over...and now here he is, it seems only wanting more from her. She starts to get resentful.

 

In addition, everything seems like a duty, she's bored. Sadly for her, there's nothing to strive for anymore...

 

...this is what happens when two people get into a committed relationship, when it's pretty likely they were incompatible in the first place.

 

Every single person's experience is different, but this scenario plays out far too often.

[katiebour]

Nemo, I don't think us high-libido girls have anything to worry about.

 

I turn 30 in about 2 weeks, and my first relationship was when I was 19.

 

I wanted sex pretty much every day, then, except when I was on the pill and my libido went to zero.

 

Fast-forward 10 years, two more relationships, and I still have the same sex drive I did when I was 19. The same desire for intimacy and touch that you describe.

 

Although I am now currently in a relationship with a guy who wants sex less than once a month... But that's another sad story. Sigh. I understand exactly what you mean, Quankanne- I think my situation is a clone of yours.

 

But I think basically that the only time women go from hot mammas to cold fishes is when they were pretending to be hot mammas in the first place.

 

Either that or they're getting their jollies somewhere else.

[jasminetea]

Nemo, I don't think us high-libido girls have anything to worry about.

 

I turn 30 in about 2 weeks, and my first relationship was when I was 19.

 

Wait until you're 40+

[Meaplus3]

It seems like thread after thread on here is mainly about women not wanting sex after a few years of marriage.

 

 

 

Three years seems a little soon for sex to dwindle.

 

I understand sex dwindling slightly with age and kids.

 

It's only natural for this to happen. Having kid's does take away from couple time..but, that can be changed with a little effort on both parts.

 

How do I know I won't end up like that?

 

 

Keep the fires burning and passion alive through communication! Express your want's desires and needs to your partner.

 

Mea:)

[deux ex machina]

...Keep the fires burning and passion alive through communication! Express your want's desires and needs to your partner.

 

Mea:)

 

 

So right.

 

Remember to take the time. Even if you're busy, don't take it for granted that the bond will still be the same once you a moment to get back to it.

 

I think touching is so important to keep the connection. Touching that doesn't necessarily lead to sex at the time, does lead to intimacy in the long run.

 

Also, look the other person in the eyes...I see so many couples that don't, and I find it very sad.

[quankanne]

Familiarity breeds contempt. Contempt kills passion.

 

that logic is faulty – I've been sleeping with the same guy for 20 years, and my interest in him has grown because of the familiarity. Even crappy sex is good sex simply because it's him ...

 

But I think basically that the only time women go from hot mammas to cold fishes is when they were pretending to be hot mammas in the first place.

 

there's truth in that statement, because when you think about it, the whole dating ritual is pretty much a campaign to get the other person to like you. And you say and do things to encourage an attractive image. Hell, my husband used to tell a friend of mine, "Weak in the hips, strong in the lips" ... i.e., if a guy can't screw, he still can please his woman with other kinds of sexual intimacies. Turned out to be a crock of BS, just a part of his campaign to be attractive to the opposite sex. Because I guarantee, you can put the hottest mamacita in front of him, and he wouldn't do anything because that would mean addressing the issue of sex.

 

Wait until you're 40+ :laugh: yep, 40s are when you hit your prime, and you definitely don't want to live them with someone who can't be bothered to explore this with you ...

[jasminetea]

Wait until you're 40+ :laugh: yep, 40s are when you hit your prime, and you definitely don't want to live them with someone who can't be bothered to explore this with you ...

 

You misunderstood what I meant. Never mind.