facing divorce with runaway, likely bipolar wife

[ryepatch]

so, i saw my wife today after 7 weeks of sporadic, minimal contact. . . it was at an unrelated small claims court case. . . she says she has divorce papers ready, but won't say when she might file. she has tossed it around before. . . she won't agree to even read an email or listen to a voicemail. . . i texted her beforehand to see if she was even going to show up, and she didn't respond. she is full of a new anger-- when we split up she said she wasn't angry, just needed some time and space--she won't respond to the simplest questions.

 

do i file? i don't want a divorce, but if i file now, then there's several advantages. i could withdraw it at any time, thus making her start it all over again. i wouldn't be sitting around waiting for her bomb. i could make it clear up front i'm asking for spousal support. i could jumpstart the process of us having to negotiate over everything. she says she doesn't want any of her stuff-clothes, CDs, photos, paintings--but i think her lawyer will advise her not to give it up.

 

if i don't file, i have the moral high ground of saying i didn't give up on my spouse at a time when she was having what is likely a bipolar, manic episode, and kept my vows. also, there's a small chance she backs off, things cool down, and she's willing to talk (there's a million unresolved questions which are killing me). who knows, some people are saying there's a decent chance, given her state of mind, she could crash and need me. if i've initiated a divorce, she might not come to me.

 

i can't deal with the current situation much longer. . . i just don't understand why she's getting angrier with time (there was nothing she was angry about at first, she seems to have convinced herself (or others have convinced her) that i did something terrible to her. i did nothing; we made all our decisions together, she won't take responsibility for her part in the decisions that might not hav turned out so well.

 

i just can't hate her. this is not the woman i've known for ten years, not in ANY WAY.

[Gunny376]

I can't offer you and won't offer you any advice ~ other than to seek individual couseling to help you cope with your wife's mental/emotional issues.

 

I suspect your dealing with bi-polar/manic~depressive disorder~ I don't know which? I'm not an expert! But she shows the signs!

 

God Bless and 'Go Easy'

 

Guns

[ryepatch]

i'm in individual counseling--my therapist is doing everything he can. my wife won't admit she needs help or tell me the most basic things about her life. . .

[keltin]

Sorry for your situation, I have allot of similarities to what you are going through.

 

It sucks big time. She won't contact me either or respond and like you said, when she left she didn't seem mad but now she completely does.

 

I was suppose to see her next week in the other province she moved to but I found out she is seeing someone so I called left a VM saying it was over I am not coming but I wanted her to call. So far no word from her.

 

I have also been with her 10+yrs. This Sept 2. would have been our 3rd year since being married.

 

Good luck with your situation.

[onthebrinkofitall]

Ah, ryepatch, I feel for you.

 

Obviously, you know how I feel about keeping vows. In sickness and in health means exactly that. On the other hand, I feel your frustration. I wish I had better advice for you but I'm still up in the air with my own bipolar situation. Just try to hang in there as long as you can. She's sick. And the reason this isn't the woman you've known for so long.. is because she isn't herself right now. If she's having an "episode", she will eventually "come back down." Having patience with things like this is so hard.

 

I really hope things get better for you [and her] soon.

 

Keep me updated.

[audrez]

The best thing you can do is hang in there. If she is really sick then she needs all the help she can get.

[ryepatch]

hey, thanks, everybody.

 

every little bit helps.

 

i started antidepressants this morning but i have to stop drinking (which is difficult, since that's how i've been getting through the evenings and getting to sleep) and they won't work forr a couple weeks.

 

i'm of half a mind to just disappear completely so i can't get served, and just wait it out somewhere across the country. i'd have to deal with a whole house of stuff, though, and turn over the cats to her, who knows what she'd do with them.

 

it just doesn't make sense for her to plow through a divorce without even A) telling me what she's so angry about, B) saying she doesn't want any of her stuff, C) saying she doesn't want to talk to me about little details even.

 

sept. 2 is our 8th wedding anniversary.

[onthebrinkofitall]

hey, thanks, everybody.

 

every little bit helps.

 

i started antidepressants this morning but i have to stop drinking (which is difficult, since that's how i've been getting through the evenings and getting to sleep) and they won't work forr a couple weeks.

 

i'm of half a mind to just disappear completely so i can't get served, and just wait it out somewhere across the country. i'd have to deal with a whole house of stuff, though, and turn over the cats to her, who knows what she'd do with them.

 

it just doesn't make sense for her to plow through a divorce without even A) telling me what she's so angry about, B) saying she doesn't want any of her stuff, C) saying she doesn't want to talk to me about little details even.

 

sept. 2 is our 8th wedding anniversary.

 

Ya know, judges just don't grant divorces left and right. If you can actually get a psych evaluation done on her and have her diagnosed as being bipolar, that judge isn't even going to consider granting a divorce to someone who's incapable of making decisions like that.. plus, if you're so opposed to one.. it's going to be a long, hard process for her anyway. It may seem b****y to do but sheesh, this is your WIFE we're talking about. Do whatever it takes to save your marriage, if that's what you truly want. Just remember there are steps you can take to stop the divorce.. or at least delay it until she gets her head on straight.

 

Good luck.

[Gunny376]

This is true.

 

While mental defect is grounds for divorce in most state (49 out of 50) its also a defense against such.

 

There was a movie, titled something along the lines of "The Sisters of the Ya-Ya Club" (or something to that effect) that dealt with such.

 

In which James Gardner choose to stay with his 'crazy' (Manic-depressive/bi-polar wife)

 

Help out here folks ~ what was the name of that movie?

[ryepatch]

Hey Gunny, do you know any links to back that up, about mental defect being a defense against a divorce? i just did a search and couldn't find anything. i live in arizona, which is a no-fault state. . .

 

i called legal aid, but they have me listed as an "opposing party," which i guess means she called them first, so they wouldn't talk to me because there's a conflict of interest. is that fair? she has income and i don't.

 

the other problem would be getting her an evaluation, she won't talk to her therapist even. she claims she's fine.

 

yeah, i'd do anything to put off this divorce. i think it's something people should do when they're calm and they can explain their reasons to their partner, and work towards agreeing on as many things as possible. (obviously, there are exceptions, but there was no cheating, no abuse, not even much fighting. she just "can't be in a relationship" and wants to start a whole new phase in her life. i just don't believe she'll feel this way forever.)

[Woggle]

Let her go and move with youre life. You will be better off without her.

[Chrome Barracuda]

The truest reasons why they stay mad after they leave you is that they believe in by leaving you for the greener grass things would automatically get better. but it hasnt and they're mad because they cannot blame you anymore for their stupidity or pain or inner issues.

 

Come on think about it. She runs away hoping she's getting the better deal and after a while not much has changed and in some instances they look back and realize it WAS good while they was there.

 

So they cant blame you for being unhappy and they cant say you made them unhappy. and they lack the self reflection to make them realize that they got issues.

 

So all you can do is let god deal with it. live your life, she left, she's not coming back...

[ryepatch]

i think her anger is at herself, for screwing everything up, and i just don't think she's "moved on" like she says because if she had, she would be able to read my emails or listen to my voicemails or talk to me for five minutes about what we should do about divorce. she seems to think divorce will be easy because we don't have kids, she can just serve me the papers and that's that. but there are a lot of issues, and lawyers always make things worse. if she would only agree to mediation. . . but i don't even have any way to propose it since i can't get through to her.

 

i've been going to a bipolar support group, and a lot of people there said anger often comes towards the end of a manic or hypomanic episode. i don't have any proof that's what's going on with her, but all the signs are there. they also said when a person is manic, their anger is all out of proportion to the cause. i'm praying every night that she calms down and can start talking. she's had her crazy summer, she's back in town, i just thought she'd be calm enough to talk now and tell me why she doesn't want to be with me by now. at first it was just she needed time by herself. now she's acting like i'm a monster.

 

we were completely thoroughly happy just a month before she left, and shee was excited about our future together. i just don't believe that aftere ten years of bliss, and three months of her going through this total shift, that it's permanent. it's just too abrupt.

[Mz. Pixie]

Someone close to me is bipolar type II.

 

Anger is pretty strong at the end of a manic episode.

 

If she's extremely bipolar it may be hard for her to control her actions. Think of her mood as a thermostat- well she can't control which way that thermostat goes- ie- manic (high) or Depressive (low). They often find it hard just to get through the day.

 

Medication is tricky. There are many- but each one comes with it's own set of terrible side effects. That's why many people who are bipolar are not med compliant. They also miss the mania sometimes- because that when they feel like they were their best- and will quit taking their meds to experience that again.

 

Many people with bipolar disorder also self medicate with alcohol and drugs- because it helps their symptoms in ways. That's totally the wrong way to approach it.

 

It's a disease that can fluctuate but it's not ever cured. I think it's admirable that you want to stay with her during this time.

 

Keep in mind if she's wildly manic her thinking is not completely clear right now- she needs some professional help.

[ryepatch]

so, i had decided to turn over to her a very special item-a guitar her father had given her, which nine years ago we stupidly left on the other side of the country and i took a greyhound bus 6000 miles to go and rescue--(long story) and bring back to her. her father (who's bipolar and paranoid) accused me of smuggling drugs in it (no truth there whatsoever) and took a swing at me, she was crying, the cops came, we took off and that was the night we decided to get married. it represents not only the reason we got married (her family had conspired to break us up) but her independence from her controlling, paranoid family. . .it's the most important thing we own, symbolically.

 

i ran into her yesterday at a bookstore, got the guitar out of my van and waited by her car. i told her "i went 6000 miles for you, i'm giving the guitar back to you, i'd do anything for you. . . if you want a divorce, i'll give you a divorce." she wouldn't look me in the eye, was totally unemotional except for suppressed rage, didn't even act surprised, just said "fine, put it in the car, i don't care, i got things to do today."

 

i said, "have you looked into mediation?"

 

"i don't know, whatever."

 

"if you want a divorce, i think we should sit down and talk about it."

 

"maybe i'll send you an email sometime." she was getting into her car.

 

"You don't think we need to talk about it in person? i don't even know why you want a divorce."

 

"no," basically. then she drove off. i couldn't believe it. she was acting like i was giving her a sack of potatoes.

 

i'm not sure that she really wants a divorce. i think maybe she's just claiming to have the divorce papers as a threat to get me off her back. she's crippled inside, i can tell, just can't deal with talking to me because it messes with her sense of trying to start a new life without me. i don't think she's as happy about it as she claims.

 

if she was acting indifferent to me, i might be more worried. the anger, i think, is proof that she loves me deeply and is trying to bury it alive.

[Mz. Pixie]

Did you read my post to you?

[ryepatch]

yes, of course. . . i don't have any influence to get her help right now. . . i've been going to bipolar support groups and reading up on it, but i still have no idea how to handle the situation. . . other than to wait. . . i'm just afraid she's going to try to initiate divorce while she's angry, and it's going to get really messy. . . i thought maybe if i acted like i was agreeing to it, it would calm her down, i don't know. . .

 

i found out today that she actually filed for divorce july 22, but has made no attempt to serve me papers for over a month, which is really strange. . . i'm not sure she feels capable of following through on it.

[ryepatch]

anybody have any ideas about why my wife would file for divorce, pay the fee and everything, then make no attempt to serve me papers for over five weeks now? it's like registering your car and then not putting the license plate on it, right?

[Mz. Pixie]

If she's manic truly she's too "busy" to do it. Her mind is racing- and she can't concentrate on anything for a long period of time.

[onthebrinkofitall]

anybody have any ideas about why my wife would file for divorce, pay the fee and everything, then make no attempt to serve me papers for over five weeks now? it's like registering your car and then not putting the license plate on it, right?

 

Who knows? If she's bipolar, that should be an explanation right there. Maybe she thought that what was she wanted when she actually filed, then had second thoughts.. and third thoughts.. and fourth thoughts.. and so on. If your wife is anything like my husband, this is something she'll have to deal with internally by herself before she knows what to do. Even then, who knows?

 

Why the hell do we love the people we love..

[ryepatch]

yeah. . . she's most likely bipolar, our therapist says that's the only explanation that fits all the data. . . i know i just have to wait, and be patient, but i just feel like there's an axe hanging down over my neck. . . kicking myself that i didn't insist she get help when i had influence. . . she is back at work, though, so she's functioning somewhat. . . i think she may be merely hypomanic, which would explain why her new friends don't seem to see anything wrong with her, and she's able to go to work. . .

 

she told a friend i was "blocking her progress." how, exactly? we're not even in communication. i think she can't stop thinking about me, and it's pissing her off. . . cognitive dissonance. . .

[midlifecrazy]

ryepatch, my friend, it sounds as if you have done everything you can do. I too have been dealing with a similar situation for a long, long time. Mine spouse has never left though. ( I think she tries to goad me into doing it so I'll continue to be the bad guy).

 

Anyway, she left you, won't get any help (probably thinks she doesn't need any), barely talks to you and has filed for divorce. What else does she have to do, get pregnant with some other guy's kid?

 

Perhaps the best thing is for you to file. At least that might get her talking to you. If she's serious about divorcing it's going to happen sooner or later anyway. If you can reconcile it could be only with the stipulation that she get counseling. And if in the end a divorce goes through perhaps somewhere down the line she'll realize her problems weren't your fault and then get some help. Maybe if you haven't moved on by then, who knows? Good luck buddy.

 

(P.S. Mz Pixie, good to see you're still here )

[Gunny376]

If she's manic truly she's too "busy" to do it. Her mind is racing- and she can't concentrate on anything for a long period of time.

 

Hey Girl! Where you been!

[Gunny376]

Where here for you the best we can!

 

Keep posting!

[Mz. Pixie]

MLC/Gunny-

 

Good to see you both. I got off the forum for a while to "regroup" a bit and now I'm back for a while.

 

You know- I can't stay away.