facing divorce with runaway, likely bipolar wife

[ryepatch]

well, not much is actually new. i took a little break from LS. i'm starting to make friends, somehow, mostly people from my bipolar support group or people who are separated or recently divorced.

 

i might start volunteering soon at NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness). this might help me get a job, if i'm doing something and have current references.

 

no news from my wife. i'm firing my IC because our MC has agreed to see me twice a week. this is great because we will finally have the time to move past analysis and onto problem solving.

 

one of the problems has been that my W's mother had always wanted us to break up, and hasn't been speaking to me through this whole process. i've really been wanting to write to her and let her know about her daughter's mental health issues, and also let her know the reality about how W will suffer financially if she pushes through this divorce without talking to me, and how W's currently in danger of getting arrested for violating the injunction by cancelling our insurance.

 

but MiL wouldn't open my letter, or would think it was lies or exaggerations.

 

someone needs to talk to her. it would be great if it was our MC. but there are confidentiality issues.

 

so me and the MC were sitting around brainstorming, and we hit upon the idea of me writing the letter to my mother in law, and the MC actually mailing it to her along with a cover letter saying essentially, "in my professional opinion, everything ryepatch says is true." that way he wouldn't be saying it himself, but he would be putting his stamp of approval on it. this way she might read it and take it seriously.

 

hopefully this will work, and my MiL will try to convince her daughter to seek help, and to put off the D until she can talk to me about it.

 

my MC is a godsend. if we can piece our marriage back together, it'll be because of him. he's in it to win it.

[FredMerc]

Ok, well though I have gone through something very similar I find a few things troubling.

 

There seems to be a strong element of needing control here. Threatening spousal support if your terms are not met (basically: I will ruin you financially unless you do what I want!), deciding if she gets her things back, deciding to give her guitar back and being miffed that she was not appreciative, refusing to accept the paperwork, threatening to have her arrested is she does not pay for your insurance while you dodge the legal serving of the paperwork, threatening to go to her family with info about her etc....

 

#1 Stop trying to diagnose her with mental illness. That may be part of the reason she doesn't even want to speak to you. I wouldn't want to speak with someone who was trying to paint me as crazy either.

 

#2 They are her things. You cannot give them to her, they are hers.

 

#3 Stop trying to control the situation. Accept the paperwork. Accept that she wants out. Accept that for whatever reason she does not feel comfortable talking to you about it. It may be as simple as her feeling guilty for leaving you when you are at rock bottom without a job. It does not have to mean she is crazy as a loon. She is functioning and has a job and friends etc....

 

#4 Take some responsibility. She is not the reason you do not have a job, or have no friends etc. Look at yourself for ways to improve. No one is perfect.

 

#5 Stop fixating on this and improve your life. Make it a point to do something to make yourself and your surrounding better every day. Also do something kind for others as often as possible.

 

I have been through it...

 

For the record, if she is only making $30,000 and she has not kept you from working you are not going to get spousal support... You can stop threatening her with that.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited October 13, 2009 by FredMerc

[Logik]

Well done FredMerc. Ryepatch, you need to read this and listen bro. I know it's hard, but this is what you face and the outcome depends on what you do about it.

[JaneDoe35]

Has anyone heard from Ryepatch via PM or email? Has he just disappeared?

[ryepatch]

hey jane and everyone,

 

for some reason i wasn't getting email notifications about PMs or posts on my thread, don't know why.

 

what's new:

 

A) an old friend of mine from back east came out to stay with me for a while. if he finds a job then i won't have to move out of this house, which solves a lot of my problems. i've been pretty busy getting him settled, rearranging the house, introducing him to people, getting him oriented to the desert, etc.

 

so now i'm not living alone, i have someone to eat with, watch movies with, hike with, etc.

 

B) our MC finally got my wife on the phone (at her work number) and offered her a free session (just her). and. . .

 

SHE ACCEPTED!

 

this is huge news. the most positive sign since June. at the very least, it means she realizes she can't push through a divorce without at least some engagement or communication. our MC is convinced she doesn't really want a divorce, but that other people are pushing her to do it.

 

no knocks on the door for 3 1/2 weeks!

 

and in another 3 1/2 weeks, just before thanksgiving, the divorce filing expires, and she'd have to fill out all the paperwork and pay the $200 or so fee all over again.

 

so chances are, she really is backing away from the D. she could have served me papers through other means, like publication in the newspaper. but she hasn't.

 

anyway, thank god, she'll finally be seeing a professional. he'll be able to make a better appraisal of her mental health.

 

i've decided i'm going to make thanksgiving dinner, and invite everyone i know. if she's home by then, great. if not, fine.

 

i'd put money on her being home by christmas, though. anyone want to take that wager?

[MrMayI]

hey jane and everyone,

 

i'd put money on her being home by christmas, though. anyone want to take that wager?

 

i wouldn't bet that with you, because i'm pulling for you. however, this entire post read to me that you are set on she IS coming home. please rye, don't put all of your stock into that. it just may not happen. that's something i can't really tell if you've accepted through all of this or not. protect yourself.

[giotto]

i wouldn't bet that with you, because i'm pulling for you. however, this entire post read to me that you are set on she IS coming home. please rye, don't put all of your stock into that. it just may not happen. that's something i can't really tell if you've accepted through all of this or not. protect yourself.

 

yes, she might not even turn up for MC... stay with your feet firmly planted on the ground...

[Phateless]

i wouldn't bet that with you, because i'm pulling for you. however, this entire post read to me that you are set on she IS coming home. please rye, don't put all of your stock into that. it just may not happen. that's something i can't really tell if you've accepted through all of this or not. protect yourself.

 

yes, she might not even turn up for MC... stay with your feet firmly planted on the ground...

 

Rye is nowhere near accepting reality. He is firmly planted in the denial stage of loss. I just hope he snaps it out of it before he wastes too much of his life.

 

Rye, you are doing this to yourself at this point.

[JaneDoe35]

I think that it is fantastic news that Rye's wife has agreed to counselling. That is a huge step in the right direction especially since their marriage counsellor seems to be going above & beyond to try & help save this marriage.

[seibert253]

I think that it is fantastic news that Rye's wife has agreed to counselling. That is a huge step in the right direction especially since their marriage counsellor seems to be going above & beyond to try & help save this marriage.

 

Agreeing and following through are two seperate entities. I'll reserve judgement until we see what the future brings.

 

Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

[Crusoe]

Hi Rye, I dont post here much, but stories like your own draw me out. I, as many of us, have been all through this. Your story, post break up, is similar to mine, most break ups are. Where our stories differ are A) during the relationship and B) the sheer crazy making after break up. My ex is diagnosed bipolar and would like to share just a little of what that involved for me as her man.

I have, at times, had to hand feed her, bathe her and dress her while she does nothing but stare into space, drooling into her lap. I have run half a mile stark naked at 3 am, punched through a car windscreen and then run half a mile back with her under my arm because she is so drunk she cannot walk. I have had to make the decision of which of us is the one to get cut by the scissors, then spend hours comforting her to sleep before I can patch myself up. Thats the easy stuff, the hard stuff is when she is so manic she doesn't even know who you are anymore, when she s****s around and doesn't know why, and when she gets those fellas to try and beat you up because its "all your fault". Then when all is over, she spreads lies of battery and rape just so nobody believes you when you try and tell them she is ill. Now, you take all that because you know she is ill, and that no matter how hard it is for you, it is ten times harder for her, and you've got to be strong, real strong. Strong enough that when she goes you can still be there for her without asking for her to come back.

 

I dont mince my words and am going to say straight out that from what you have written I can see no justification for your diagnosis of mental illness, your MC also has no right to say such things. Now I am not saying your wife isn't mentally ill, I am saying you have no right to say she is without official diagnosis. Consider for a moment that there is nothing mentally wrong with her, and yet you are telling both her and everyone else that she is sick in the head. She will hate you for that. Also, if you truly believe she is mentally ill then help, but do so unconditionally, because until she is on meds she cannot give you want you want, and even then, she has to want it too.

 

It hurts fella, but at the end of the day, Bipolar or not, it is her choice, she has her reasons and that you just got to accept. If you want to wait, (and I know you are going to) then wait, but you are making life real hard for yourself in doing so. Personally I would listen to the Chrome Barracuda.

Edited November 1, 2009 by Crusoe