Surfer Girl Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 How long are you going to walk on eggshells... thinking every knock on the door is a process server.... If you could only know for sure.... it would save you some heartache... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ryepatch Posted September 16, 2009 Author Share Posted September 16, 2009 i know, i know. . . i wish my W would just tell me what she was doing or thinking. . . eventually i'll have to move out of this house. i'm just so paranoid. . . well, if she wants to serve me, i can't avoid it forever. . . if she can't find me to serve me, i told her i'll give her a D if she sits down and talks to me about it. . . either way, things'll probably happen before long. . . everyone is telling me, just drag your feet on the D, give here time to come down. i don't know if this post made sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer Girl Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 There will come a time you will have to face the facts... Running... being avoidable.... is not in your best interest.... I hope for the both of you... you will be able to find each other and get it out in the open.... Just seems you both are avoiding the outcome.... and if you don't know where you both stand it is heartbreaking.... Just know what you need to know from the relationship.... Get it out in the open so you feel better and can make it easier for you to move on..... Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 Rye I understand. Your wife's behaviour seems so outrageous that you can't imagine divorcing without some sort of explanation from her. You have very little control...so little that the only thing you can do is avoid the process server! I won't pretend to know what's in your best interest, avoiding or not avoiding. Either option sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ryepatch Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 well, i've been a little bit better this week, talked to my main therapist last night for the first time in a while (he was out of town), and he keeps saying he's never seen a more compatible, more intertwined couple, and that the way my wife is going about all this makes it obvious that she's suppressing her feelings. he thinks there's no way this is the end of the story, the divorce might need to happen but it won't change our bond with each other. . . i wish i had some contact with her. . . but i know i gotta wait. facing the prospect of another long weekend alone. . . been trying to piece together acquaintances, but there's still nobody that will reliably go out with me on weekend nights, and i'm terrified of staying home alone. . . but i'm not the type to go to a bar by myself. the weekday nights are tolerable, the mornings are hell, i've been forcing myself to go to a coffeeshop, sit on the patio and stare. . . but i can't take the weekends. god, i'm sitting here with our cats, who we've had so long and moved all around the country with, and she's off in her new world, doing god knows what. she could be crying, wanting to talk to me badly but not daring to call me, or she could be partying and living it up with all of "our" friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ryepatch Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 look how happy we are in that damn picture!!! that was just a few months before she left. . . Link to post Share on other sites
JaneDoe35 Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Hi there, you both do look so happy in that picture......I really wish she would speak to you. What is she so afraid of? Loving you too much? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ryepatch Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 backsliding a little tonight. . . apparently (google alerts) she has a myspace page i didn't know about, or a new one, i've resisted the urge to look at it, i'm terrified what could be on there. what if she says she's single? i wish i hadn't set up the damn google alerts. kind of had a panic attack today, drank too much coffee. now too much beer considering the mood i'm in. i just worry that she's moving on, while i'm sitting here still happily married. it doesn't make any sense, i know, i know, i know, i know!!! i've just waited so goddamn long and so many things are unresolved! i am so in love. . . i know she loves me, i just don't understand why she won't f'in talk to me! i'm trrying to write her a short note because i have to forward some important documents to her and it might be my only chance to communicate. i can't write it. there are so many things to say. ok, well, there's been no divorce, which is good, but how long can i wait? i was doing pretty damn well til today, the last week or so, i was doing ok, but i hate my life! Link to post Share on other sites
JaneDoe35 Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 backsliding a little tonight. . . apparently (google alerts) she has a myspace page i didn't know about, or a new one, i've resisted the urge to look at it, i'm terrified what could be on there. what if she says she's single? i wish i hadn't set up the damn google alerts. kind of had a panic attack today, drank too much coffee. now too much beer considering the mood i'm in. i just worry that she's moving on, while i'm sitting here still happily married. it doesn't make any sense, i know, i know, i know, i know!!! i've just waited so goddamn long and so many things are unresolved! i am so in love. . . i know she loves me, i just don't understand why she won't f'in talk to me! i'm trrying to write her a short note because i have to forward some important documents to her and it might be my only chance to communicate. i can't write it. there are so many things to say. ok, well, there's been no divorce, which is good, but how long can i wait? i was doing pretty damn well til today, the last week or so, i was doing ok, but i hate my life! Hi ryepatch, I also feel so incredibly sad today, well just more than normal. Feel like dying to be honest. I wont as I have a beautiful daughter to take care of. This is the first time where I have felt I just cant go on anymore. It tears you apart. One hour you feel slightly positive, like when my husband called me this morning for no real reason. Then I think about the reality of the things he has said & done and can barely breathe. I know exactly how you feel. I know I still feel married, I still feel like I am his wife. Dont look at the myspace page if you can resist. It is so hard to give up on them when the love is so strong. I dont know what you should do. Do you have your family near or are you alone in this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ryepatch Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 totally alone, except for our cats, who are a great comfort but i can't even think of them for second without thinking of her. family and friends are all thousands of miles away. the only local friend i've had more than a couple weeks is going through his own divorce right now and has two kids and won't leave the house or talk on the phone, i can go over there on the weekends but he just drinks quietly and stares. i'm starting to make new friends but it's not the same. we come all the way across the country together, all our stuff and our cats, and she just leaves me here and somehow convinces all our friends not to talk to me and abandons me without a job or any prospect of a job, my parents are going to live in poverty when they retire because they're bailing me out, i can't go back to school cause she screwed up my financial aid, i'm terrified, i'm doing everything i can. thanks jane, so nice to have someone awake on the other side of the world. my family and friends are mostly three hours laterr than me and asleep by 9:00 my time, and i'm up all night. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneDoe35 Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 totally alone, except for our cats, who are a great comfort but i can't even think of them for second without thinking of her. family and friends are all thousands of miles away. the only local friend i've had more than a couple weeks is going through his own divorce right now and has two kids and won't leave the house or talk on the phone, i can go over there on the weekends but he just drinks quietly and stares. i'm starting to make new friends but it's not the same. we come all the way across the country together, all our stuff and our cats, and she just leaves me here and somehow convinces all our friends not to talk to me and abandons me without a job or any prospect of a job, my parents are going to live in poverty when they retire because they're bailing me out, i can't go back to school cause she screwed up my financial aid, i'm terrified, i'm doing everything i can. thanks jane, so nice to have someone awake on the other side of the world. my family and friends are mostly three hours laterr than me and asleep by 9:00 my time, and i'm up all night. Hi there, I guess I feel the same when I look at my daughter, she is a comfort but I see him in her face literally. And that hurts so badly. I am so sorry that you are alone. It is a shame that you & the friend going through the divorce can't support each other. He sounds like he has gone into a zombie state. Hard not to go there I guess. It is incredible that even after all the pain they have put us through by running away....we still love them so much. We would take them back in a heartbeat. I hate knowing that because it makes me feel so weak. I wish I could stand up and say 'No more, you will not control my every waking moment and invade my dreams, you are gone'!!!!! I know what you mean when you say you are terrified, that is how I feel. I feel like it is me against the world. I dont know why I feel that cause everyone else loves me and I have so much support. I hate small talk at the moment but find it hard to speak about him. I want to escape from this hell. I just want it to be over. But I know this is not going to be over anytime soon as I am too weak to make it over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ryepatch Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 Hi there, I guess I feel the same when I look at my daughter, she is a comfort but I see him in her face literally. And that hurts so badly. I am so sorry that you are alone. It is a shame that you & the friend going through the divorce can't support each other. He sounds like he has gone into a zombie state. Hard not to go there I guess. It is incredible that even after all the pain they have put us through by running away....we still love them so much. We would take them back in a heartbeat. I hate knowing that because it makes me feel so weak. I wish I could stand up and say 'No more, you will not control my every waking moment and invade my dreams, you are gone'!!!!! I know what you mean when you say you are terrified, that is how I feel. I feel like it is me against the world. I dont know why I feel that cause everyone else loves me and I have so much support. I hate small talk at the moment but find it hard to speak about him. I want to escape from this hell. I just want it to be over. But I know this is not going to be over anytime soon as I am too weak to make it over. you're not weak jane, you're strong to come on here and listen to strangers' advice and contemplate doing the really difficult things you're considering. we're strong just cause we're still standing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ryepatch Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 ok, false alarm. that myspace page isn't hers. it's someone else. i really fell to pieces just on the fact that i might get some info about her. i don't want any more second hand info, don't want to be guessing anymore. i just want to hear from her so bad. don't understand why we couldn't work out a separation agreement. oh yeah, she showed up drunk out of her mind to that therapy session and then stopped showing up at all. that's why we couldn't work out a separation agreement. (sarcasm.) i don't have the right to know what's going on with my marriage? WTF? thanks everyone. back to my limbo. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneDoe35 Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 ok, false alarm. that myspace page isn't hers. it's someone else. i really fell to pieces just on the fact that i might get some info about her. i don't want any more second hand info, don't want to be guessing anymore. i just want to hear from her so bad. don't understand why we couldn't work out a separation agreement. oh yeah, she showed up drunk out of her mind to that therapy session and then stopped showing up at all. that's why we couldn't work out a separation agreement. (sarcasm.) i don't have the right to know what's going on with my marriage? WTF? thanks everyone. back to my limbo. I am glad it was not her page, that is the last thing you would have needed to see. It is strange how I do have contact with my husband but feel it would be easier if he just dropped off the face of the planet. And it is like your wife has dropped off the face of the planet and you really want to hear from her. Limbo is bad, but what other options do you have? You dont want to give up on your marriage....it is madness that she wont at least go to the therapy sessions. So frustrating. When was the last time you had contact with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ryepatch Posted September 24, 2009 Author Share Posted September 24, 2009 Limbo is bad, but what other options do you have? You dont want to give up on your marriage....it is madness that she wont at least go to the therapy sessions. So frustrating. When was the last time you had contact with her? it's madness that she won't even read emails. . . i've been NC from my end (and hers) for a month, saw her in person twice in late August (once for an unrelated small claims court case that we lost (because she wouldn't so much as exchange an email or text about it and so we didn't get our stories straight) so we now owe $1700 which will be taken out of her paycheck (i don't even know why she bothered showing up), once accientally in a parking lot when i told her i'd do anything for her and so if she wanted a divorce, i wouldn't contest it but only if she told me why she wanted one and sat down with me for 5 minutes to talk about the terms. she said no and drove off, saying i'll send you an email sometime, but it hasn't happened)). so last i heard was she wanted a divorce, but i haven't been served even though it's been 2 months since she filed. the last time we had a phone conversation (about three minutes where i was asking her to pick me up at the airport the next day, and she wouldn't even promise me she would) was the end of June. the last real in-person conversation was June 26. MADNESS! yes, well. i have no options, but i'm working on my end, trying to fix my half of the marriage!!! Link to post Share on other sites
JaneDoe35 Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 it's madness that she won't even read emails. . . i've been NC from my end (and hers) for a month, saw her in person twice in late August (once for an unrelated small claims court case that we lost (because she wouldn't so much as exchange an email or text about it and so we didn't get our stories straight) so we now owe $1700 which will be taken out of her paycheck (i don't even know why she bothered showing up), once accientally in a parking lot when i told her i'd do anything for her and so if she wanted a divorce, i wouldn't contest it but only if she told me why she wanted one and sat down with me for 5 minutes to talk about the terms. she said no and drove off, saying i'll send you an email sometime, but it hasn't happened)). so last i heard was she wanted a divorce, but i haven't been served even though it's been 2 months since she filed. the last time we had a phone conversation (about three minutes where i was asking her to pick me up at the airport the next day, and she wouldn't even promise me she would) was the end of June. the last real in-person conversation was June 26. MADNESS! yes, well. i have no options, but i'm working on my end, trying to fix my half of the marriage!!! It feels strange to be working on a marriage alone, doesn't it? You are a strong person in many ways....she is lucky to have you love her and I have a feeling she will realise that in the next couple of months...but you might not be able to wait that long. So in America, someone files for divorce and then the court serves the other party? What could stop or delay the serving bit? Excuse my ignorance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ryepatch Posted September 24, 2009 Author Share Posted September 24, 2009 what happens is she files and pays the fee (maybe $200) then she gives the paperwork to a process server and pays another fee (maybe $70, don't know how much that is down under) to have them deliver the paperwork to me. they have to either hand it to me in person or they can post it on the door if they've seen me through a window and provide a dsecription so they know i was home at the time of the serving (they can also deliver the papers to another person of "reasonable age" who lives at the same address, but it's just me here. (they can't serve the cats!).) then i have 20 days to file a response, etc., either contesting or not contesting. so for a while i was hiding from knocks on the door, but there haven't been any unaccounted-for knocks for over a month, so i don't know whether or not she has even hired a process server for sure. at this point i'm assuming she never did, or did, then called it off. i do know that she did try to serve me on july 22 through certified mail (which you can just refuse to accept and it doesn't count), but it got lost in the mail. . . so basically, there's a potential divorce, but since i haven't been served, it can't move forward. after 4 months (2 months from now), the filing expires and she would have to pay the fee and go down to the courthouse again to fill out the papers all over again. i'm assuming that's she either A) having second thoughts, B) has calmed down enough to realize that she'll only lose financially from it unless she tries to talk to me and get a settlement, or C) is going through something totally crazy in her own life right now (she may be coming down from a manic episode) and can't be bothered. i'm hoping A) is true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ryepatch Posted September 24, 2009 Author Share Posted September 24, 2009 all that legal stuff varies from state to state in the U.S. thanks for asking!!! ok i'm going back over to your thread now, jane. . . Link to post Share on other sites
JaneDoe35 Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Thanks ryepatch, that explanation clears up a lot of questions for me. In regards to why you have not actually been served yet it might even be a combination of A, B & C!!!!!! Your therapist seems to know you both so well so I would have hope. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneDoe35 Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Will you definately contest if/when you get served? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ryepatch Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 there are so many variables. . . she said at one point we would have to divorce to get back together. i'm willing to do that (and not contest, which means asking for spousal support) if we do it in an amicable way, which would mean at least talking for ten minutes and coming up with a settlement. preferably in mediation. otherwise, i would probably have to fight. i'm hoping it doesn't come to that, though. i just wish i had some idea of what was going through her head. i think back to all the things she said in june, and they don't add up, and i don't know which of them are still true. i really have no idea what the status of our relationship is. i'm just trying to work on getting emotionally stable and figuring out what i can to be best prepared to deal with her whatever happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 Divore to get together???? WTF??? seriously are you even thinking about it! why would you want to get back together with a woman who has so many f*cking issues freud couldnt deal with her!!!! Dude let the divorce go through and find someone else she did you a big favor!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ryepatch Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 she is the love of my life. we are perfectly compatible, have the same hopes, dreams, goals, belief systems. we don't do things the way other people do them. yep, she's crazy now. but i believe in her. i really still believe in her. Link to post Share on other sites
JaneDoe35 Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 That is the strange thing when you are in this type of situation. People say 'oh Jane, you could have anyone, let him go and make this mistake' And to be honest I would have said the same before it happened to me. But it is just too hard to do. I mean I am not going to wait around forever but I will give it my best shot before I walk away. Whats a few months after 13.5 years. I guess I will just feel it when it is time to give up. I wish I could just say 'Go to hell" and be strong and turn off the feelings. They should develop a medicine for heartbreak. So ryepatch I know what you mean when you say she is the love of your life. It is not that easy to throw in the towel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ryepatch Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 jane, wait as long as you want. don't let anyone on here pressure you. there's no right or wrong decision. you are the one who has to live with the choices you've made. love doesn't just disappear into thin air. my wife's parents are still haunted by their divorce 20 yrs later. the question is, if you want him back, how do you get him back? and what do you do with yourself in the meantime? Link to post Share on other sites
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