facing divorce with runaway, likely bipolar wife

[Chrome Barracuda]

she is the love of my life.

 

we are perfectly compatible, have the same hopes, dreams, goals, belief systems.

 

we don't do things the way other people do them.

 

yep, she's crazy now. but i believe in her.

 

i really still believe in her.

 

...*sigh

 

Dude your in love with who you thought she was... what's it gonna take for you to realize this woman doesnt have all her marbles. Are you gonna torture yourself for years on end hoping she comes back to you, pining like some weak puppy?!?! WTF you cannot save her!!! you cannot get through to her. You can not make her change. She's divorcing you! HELLO DIVORCE!!!!!!!

 

What must it take for you to realize your putting all your eggs in the wrong damn basket???

 

This woman will be your downfall. Women that men are so blind to see and realize that they are not good partners and prospects. these same men blinded by love will be crying years later saying she drained me dry, the so called love of their lives.

 

I was in your place a long time ago. And I wished someone slapped me hard against the face to make me realize I was living a pipe dream. I missed out on so many things , so many other beautiful and capable women. And I blamed no one but myself. and in the end when i got back together with the same woman who treated me like crap. The love was gone. She changed and I didnt want her anymore because all those negative things and rejections came back and I just didnt feel her anymore.

 

Period...

 

When your rejected so many times by this one woman you have to think? why the hell am I wasting my time on a woman who cannot and wont give back to me.

 

You need to let go. She is not your soulmate, she does not love you. in her mental state she doesnt even know which way is up let alone have feelings for you.

 

Dont pine for no woman who isnt even worth it. and if she is dont complain on here when she constatly rejects you, because you seem to accept it!

 

you need to talk to GUNNY!

[Phateless]

I agree with CB.

 

She.

 

Is.

 

A.

 

PSYCHO!!

 

Run away.

 

It's hard to get over who we THOUGHT people are. I was with a girl for 4.5 years and she surprised by dumping me all of a sudden for someone else. I kept coming back to this one phrase:

 

"You think you know someone........"

[ryepatch]

chrome,

 

thanks for your opinion, i've noted it, but i'd appreciate it if you wouldn't post on my thread anymore. i am committed to my wife and that's not going to change. i'm not here to ask other posters whether or not they think i should stay committed. i have a clear goal in mind, and i intend to achieve it.

 

thank you for the time and effort you've put into following my situation. i wish you the best.

[Chrome Barracuda]

HeY. it's your life be miserable in it. You cant' just handle the truth...

 

Sucks to be you! lol.

[ryepatch]

I agree with CB.

 

She.

 

Is.

 

A.

 

PSYCHO!!

 

Run away.

 

It's hard to get over who we THOUGHT people are. I was with a girl for 4.5 years and she surprised by dumping me all of a sudden for someone else. I kept coming back to this one phrase:

 

"You think you know someone........"

 

my wife is mentally ill. you can call her a psycho if you like, it doesn't change how i feel about her. i believe in her. we've been together ten years. we've been homeless, been through family crises, medical scares, relationship problems which we've overcome. we find great happiness in each other. she is confused right now, and i'm barely making it through each day. but we will be all right. we are in love.

 

please, people. can't you see what i'm trying to do here?

 

do you think i'm going to give up on my marriage because of a stranger's advice? do you think you know my wife better than i do?

[Phateless]

my wife is mentally ill. you can call her a psycho if you like, it doesn't change how i feel about her. i believe in her. we've been together ten years. we've been homeless, been through family crises, medical scares, relationship problems which we've overcome. we find great happiness in each other. she is confused right now, and i'm barely making it through each day. but we will be all right. we are in love.

 

please, people. can't you see what i'm trying to do here?

 

do you think i'm going to give up on my marriage because of a stranger's advice? do you think you know my wife better than i do?

 

Of course I see your perspective and of course I don't pretend to know your wife better than you do. It just seems as if you're clinging to false hope, when from an objective standpoint it seems as if she couldn't try any harder to make her feelings clear to you.

 

I feel for you, but at a certain point you have to make a decision on how much of your life you'll waste chasing someone who no longer wants anything to do with you.

 

I feel for you I really do, and I don't think I'd do anything differently in your situation. We're just trying to tell you the things that are hardest to hear. We hope that you can recover your own life before it's too late.

 

I really hope it gets better for you.

[ryepatch]

thanks for your second post, phateless. and thanks for everyone else's posts on my crazy thread. i'm gonna let it sink to the bottom now and go back to my main thread.

 

although i wonder about the title. . . am i still facing divorce? the possibility of divorce, definitely. i'm starting to think that at the very least my wife doesn't want to go through with it because she'll lose financially.

 

i don't know where that leaves us. . . or me.

 

probably, in the same situation as SHB and Lisa, since they weren't married, so they don't have to deal with their exes anymore (i'm right about that, right?). probably, i have to just try to move on without expecting to hear from her anytime soon.

 

but i don't have anything else i'm doing. can't afford this house much longer. can't really take the cats if i leave town. don't know if i can stay in town psychologically. but if there is a A) a divorce or B) a gradual reconciliation, i need to be in town for that.

 

i'm ok with C) us just being separated and not really talking, but it's ridiculous that she can't even communicate about simple financial and practical things. she hasn't even tried to get a friend or family member to do it for her. that just can't be about her wanting to make it clear that she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. it's got to be about something else. and it can't last forever.

 

if we could just talk for a few minutes and agree on something!

 

what i can't take is D) the current situation.

 

the question is, do i prefer it to A) a divorce?

 

for now, i guess so.

 

but that's where i am. stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[ryepatch]

new developments:

 

Good News: i've made a good friend in town (i think); we've hung out a couple times and hit it off. i know her from my bipolar support group (she's bipolar), and so she knows my story already. we can be depressed around each other! which is great, i've been meeting new people but it's such an effort to not talk about my wife/my life and keep a happy face.

 

Bad News: woken up this morning by five knocks on the door. glanced through the curtain and saw a normal middle aged guy: polo shirt tucked into jeans. i assume he was a process server, although i guess there's a chance he could be a jehovah's witness.

 

A) my wife doesn't want to be with me right now.

 

B) she can't deal with talking to me, sending me a one-line email, reading my email, having any interaction with me whatsoever.

 

these are two different things.

 

this divorce will end up costing her between ten and twenty thousand dollars if she has to pay for lawyers for both of us and a couple of years of spousal support. she only makes thirty thousand a year.

 

i would be willing to settle without it costing us a penny if she would just be civil to me and work out a settlement and have us go our separate ways.

 

this is total insanity. our MC said he's never seen any situation in 25 years that comes close. every divorce he's seen, the couple is able to communicate with each other at least a little bit, whether it's by yelling or emails or letters or phone messages or what have you. (except cases of abuse, extreme infidelity, extreme custody battles.)

 

i guess i just continue to try to dodge being served. 55 more days and it expires and she'd have to file and pay the fee again.

 

also, in case anyone missed it on my rant-thread, she cancelled our car insurance this week without telling me, which is prohibited under the divorce filing (preliminary injunction). she could be arrested and prosecuted for "interfering with a judicial proceeding." of course, i'd have to turn her in, although it could come out in court during financial disclosure.

 

i wrote her an email citing the law and copied it to her 2 best friends in town, including her roommate, asked them to make sure she read it and reinstated the insurance policy for her own protection. no response.

 

this just gets crazier and crazier. she's not playing by the rules! she's breaking the law! but i would obviously be the bad guy if i called the sheriff.

[giotto]

can you go to her workplace and talk to her?

[ryepatch]

can you go to her workplace and talk to her?

 

 

i could, but i imagine it would be a bad scene no matter how calm i was about it. she's a teacher at a little hippy charter school, K-6. i could wait by her car so i'm not on school property, but i could see them overreacting and calling the cops.

 

last thing i want is a restraining order!

 

i ran into her in a parking lot a month ago which is when i told her i'd be willing to give her a divorce if that's what she wanted, because i'd do anything for her. she wouldn't look me in the eye, she responded to stuff i said only indirectly, tried to get into her car and away as fast as possible. crazy, angry look on her face. said she'd send me an email about it sometime. of course, the email never came.

 

i just can't see myself going through a divorce with her not even speaking to me and telling me why she wants a divorce (other than "i need my space," which is all she said, after 7 weeks without us seeing each other).

 

i would end up fighting back, i would have to to maintain my sanity. but that would ruin any prospect of a reconciliation or even friendship.

 

all i can do, it seems, is try to put it off in any way i can, avoiding being served and using legal maneuvers to slow it down, and hope that she'll eventually come down and be able to talk.

[giotto]

after 6 pages, I still don't know why she is angry with you and why she wants a divorce... I even read your first thread, but... I know she is supposedly bipolar, but it can't be just down to this? Or is it? Can you talk to her family?

[delajoonal]

rye...

 

i am with giotto on this one..i have read and read and i can't find out why your W got so mad and left in the first place?

 

maybe you can refresh our memories or post it?

 

glad you got my PM and doing something about the insurance issues..

 

also, if that guy in the polo shirt comes back...just take the papers. rye..its inevitable..really...the faster you take them, the faster you can actually start to communicate with her...divorce is not an option in some states..well, i mean some states you DON"T have an option.

 

if ONE wants IT..that's it..you get it wether you like it or not..

 

i know..sucky, right:confused:

 

i know you love your W and you don't want a divorce...BUT remember what i said, you an go to your court house, get copies of what she filed..that way you know what you are headed for..financially etc..she has to file and expense an income report F-140 or F-150...i would do that on monday...

than if that polo shirt dude comes back.. you are prepared to make a more informed decision whehter to take them or not..

 

but at least go get copies at the court house..like i said, you will KNOW everything she is intending to do then.

 

and yes...you can also file a response at that same time, even tho you have NOT recieved her papers yet.. even if you have NOT been served yet..you can still file a response..you can respond in anyway, there are about 6 to 8 ways to divorce at the top of the page...irreconciable differences, or mental illness, or forced...etc....you DO NOT have to accept what she puts.. you can put whatever you want too.

 

 

IMHO...Chrome is nOT being harsh or mean..he is who he is...he too has been down this road and well...he is just a little more blunt about it then others....but he cares or he wouldn't even respond or offer his time and/or advice:)

 

just want everyone to get along here..this board is so important to so many of us..and although we will not all see eye to eye..we can try to take what we can from everyones post and experiences..

 

i know you are in a super sensitive place right now...i am too...so sometimes, some posts/responses can seem like daggers in our already broken hearts..

 

but these members are trying to get us to wake up to reality...and most situations...it is what it is...you know?

 

ok...hope you are well today...let us know how it goes ok;)

 

go to the court house tomorrow..get those copies of the papers she filed...like i said, they are about 50 cents a copy, depending on where you live...maybe 5 bucks total...you can take them home read them over..and really know what she is thinking, where she is at and what YOU should do next.

 

good luck:)

[ryepatch]

why is she mad? wouldn't i like to know!

 

when she left, it was all about "i need freedom, i need some time to myself," she was going on a 'spirit quest.' she said she was just emotionally exhausted and said she would have left even the best relationship right now. she apologized for all the emotional abuse she's been inflicting on me lately, and said it wasn't fair to me.

 

she was short-tempered, though, irrritable, one minute talking calmly and the next getting frustrated and walking away. she was drinking a lot, moved in with her friend who does a lot of cocaine, then bounced around the country and did a lot of acid and mushrooms all summer.

 

she doesn't want the responsibility of thinking about me, the cats, any of our problems, she just wants to live like a teenager or college kid, with a roommate, able to eat or not eat, take a nap or not, jump on an airplane to visit someone she just met, not ever having to decide with someone else what's she's doing. our MC said she's mentally about 15 yrs. old right now.

 

then i didn't talk to her for several weeks, and one of my friends called her and she just started ranting. she said "the anger's new, it's part at (ryepatch) and part at myself, i don't know why i'm angry."

 

basically, i think what happened is she decided or got convinced that i had been controlling. the thing is, she was in such bad shape that i had to start taking care of her like a parent would with a child.

 

so, for example, sometimes she would get angry and depressed and have had a couple drinks and would storm out the door to go for a drive. i would say you can't drive like this, you'll get into an accident. so i'd take her keys.

 

now imagine she tells someone, "sometimes when he doesn't want me to go out, he'll hide my keys." it sounds a lot more controlling if you put it that way.

 

she told me she had a lot of resentment, but wouldn't tell me what it was about. this is all my guesswork and filling in the blanks.

 

another thing is she decided in the last year that she was worried about always having to support us, even though my writing career was just starting to get off the ground and we had decided together that it made sense for me to stay home and write and do all the housework, shopping/cooking/cleaning/sewing/errands/gardening, etc. all she has to do is go to work and come home, then she's free to do whatever she wants.

 

so we decided that i should go back to school, and i wrote all these essays and spent a long time figuring out financial aid and figuring out with her where she would want to move to since she hates arizona and hates her job. i got into a great school in new orleans, she was really excited about it.

 

then she just had a breakdown.

 

as for why she's getting angrier and angrier as time goes on? i have no idea. we haven't been in contact. the thing is she's surrounded by people who are divorced and had controlling or abusive husbands (her roommate is 32 and has been in 3 abusive marriages), and so don't have any idea what a healthy relationship looks like.

 

her mom in new york, who's really her only family, is the same way. she thinks men always drag women down and marriage is an oppressive institution. her father is bipolar, an alcoholic, totally alienated from the family. her grandparents in florida are really supportive of us and get along great with me, but i haven't contacted them. they're in their eighties and i don't think could handle it.

 

i really, truly have no idea how she could be so angry and paranoid. obviously it's not just her being bipolar, there's always stuff to be upset about in a marriage. basically she's run away from her problems and blamed me for her depression, is in total denial about her mental health issues, doesn't want anything to remind her of the last ten years of her life.

 

our MC thinks i should just wait it out, try to avoid the D anyway i can, eventually she'll calm down and we can have, at the very least, an amicable divorce.

 

why she won't talk to me? all me and our MC can figure out is she's in deep denial about her true feelings for me, can't balance out love and resentment, can't hold very complicated ideas in her head right now, and her guilt over abandoning me is getting externalized as anger.

[zerozxs]

I completely feel for you my friend... I will have a bigger reply tomorrow, just know that I know exactly how you feel. Does she know she is bipolar, been diagnosed?

[delajoonal]

im sorry rye...like i said in my PM to you...you know i get the bi polar issues...it is so hard to watch someone you love basically self destruct:(

 

you are a good guy...thank you for taking time to share more of your story with us...we do appreciate it and hopefully with that new post...with a bit more info..i am hopeful some more members will find something they can relate to with you..and post something....maybe just give a little more encouragement, understanding, etc.

 

i am here if you ever wanna chat..just PM me..K...

 

take care...

[ryepatch]

I completely feel for you my friend... I will have a bigger reply tomorrow, just know that I know exactly how you feel. Does she know she is bipolar, been diagnosed?

 

no. our therapist says he's 90% sure she's got a mood disorder of some kind. the two of us have been trying to figure out what's been wrong with her since Jan 2008. for awhile we thought it was her going on and off her birth control, we both turned 30 this winter which was stressful, we're tired of the city we live in and don't have close friends, she hates her job, etc.

 

her last depressive episode started at the beginning of may, just before we were about to move cross country and start an exciting new life. as it was happening, i started to think something was really wrong with her. she'd sob uncontrollably for no reason, scream at the top of her lungs when i asked her whether she wanted to sit at the kitchen table or on the couch.

 

then after she left, she was just really impulsive, unpredictable, burned through all our savings, went on five vacations, took a lot of drugs, showed up wasted to therapy at 3 pm, and said she didn't care what happened to our cats, her paintings, her books and cds, various family heirlooms, most of her clothes, either of our cars. she bought herself a new car instead of taking one of ours.

 

she's always had mood swings (and her father's bipolar), i just though she was a moody, emotional person.

 

i don't have any recent information on her mental state though, except that she can't deal with having any communication with me whatsoever.

 

i just wish she'd get help. she won't return our therapist's calls.

 

she did tell me one of the reasons she left is she thought i was going to lock her up.

[Phateless]

Rye - this chick is crazy dude... you're better off without her. I hope you can see that soon.

[giotto]

why is she mad? wouldn't i like to know!

 

she was short-tempered, though, irrritable, one minute talking calmly and the next getting frustrated and walking away. she was drinking a lot, moved in with her friend who does a lot of cocaine, then bounced around the country and did a lot of acid and mushrooms all summer.

 

 

 

there you go... she might be bi-polar, but alcohol + cocaine + acid and mushrooms? And you are surprised she is out of her skull? She obviously hates her life, her job and responsabilities. She wanted out. She is having a mid-life crisis (although only at 30!). She needs help, because she will destroy herself like that. But you can't help her. Maybe she'll hit rock bottom and she'll realise that she needs help. If you get the papers, respond saying that she is not mentally stable and see what happens...

[ryepatch]

unfortunately, i talked to a lawyer and her mental illness isn't legally relevant. it would be if we had kids.

 

another knock on the door when i was sleeping this morning.

 

i'm so depressed. if only there was some way to communicate with her.

 

horrible dreams every night, but at least she's talking to me in them.

 

don't know what to do about the car insurance.

[Phateless]

unfortunately, i talked to a lawyer and her mental illness isn't legally relevant. it would be if we had kids.

 

another knock on the door when i was sleeping this morning.

 

i'm so depressed. if only there was some way to communicate with her.

 

horrible dreams every night, but at least she's talking to me in them.

 

don't know what to do about the car insurance.

 

First thing's first. GET CAR INSURANCE! Too risky to drive without it, for any reason.

 

I say press the issue as far as her canceling it. She has been nothing but disrespectful to you, so you should call her out on it.

[Auroracoladybug]

Ryepatch you can't change her decisions...if she is serving you? accept it and let her go with love...a person with an addiction or problem has to make the decision to get help on their own...I wish I could sound more optimistic about her turning around but you have talked so much about who she was compared to who she is now...I have done that so much my head spins but the here and now counts! You matter and your heart matters...don't sacrafice your good heart for the person she is now...you don't need communication with her...you need to get the hell out of the hole you are wallowing in...

[Logik]

Ok bro, skimmed through your post.

 

Just remember that a divorce is a piece of paper and isn't a sign that things are over forever. Just like a marriage license is a piece of paper and isn't a sign that things are together forever. See what I'm saying?

 

Don't be scared of the divorce. You are already in the position of divorced person (I'm not talking about alimony and such, I'm talking relationship-wise). Please don't dwell on why you haven't been served yet. Take the last piece of communication you have directly from her as gospel. If the last thing she said to you was "I don't want to be in a marriage any more", then that's what you need to believe. Don't start second guessing what she's said and believe what you "think" she means by what she is doing. This just keeps you in the painful area. You can only work with the solid info she gives you, not what friends are saying about it, etc. You'll never get better by doing this.

 

What you need to do is stop worrying about the divorce. I explained this earlier. If you haven't been served, see it as a positive, but don't dwell on it. Don't anticipate it. If you do get served, then it happens. It's still not the end.

 

I remember you saying that you don't want to be single or you don't know how to be single. This is a problem that you have to address. A relationship can only be successful if you WANT the person to be there, not because you NEED the person to be there. If you NEED the person, then there's something missing in yourself that you're getting from her. Try to find out what that is and fill it yourself. Then you won't NEED her, you will only WANT her. That's when the real pain ends. Change your NEED into WANT. Work on YOU. If you do this and she does come back, your relationship will be all the better for it. If she doesn't, YOU will be all the better for it and your next relationship will reap the benefits.

 

Just remember that we are all essentially alone in life. We are not physically part of each other. We are all individuals that lead our own unique lives. We don't NEED anyone to make us happy. If we do, it's not true happiness. True happiness comes from being a complete human in your own right. Strive for that. You won't be sorry. Things happen for a reason. We aren't given tests that we aren't able to accomplish.

 

Believe, trust, and let go...

[Phateless]

Ok bro, skimmed through your post.

 

Just remember that a divorce is a piece of paper and isn't a sign that things are over forever. Just like a marriage license is a piece of paper and isn't a sign that things are together forever. See what I'm saying?

 

Don't be scared of the divorce. You are already in the position of divorced person (I'm not talking about alimony and such, I'm talking relationship-wise). Please don't dwell on why you haven't been served yet. Take the last piece of communication you have directly from her as gospel. If the last thing she said to you was "I don't want to be in a marriage any more", then that's what you need to believe. Don't start second guessing what she's said and believe what you "think" she means by what she is doing. This just keeps you in the painful area. You can only work with the solid info she gives you, not what friends are saying about it, etc. You'll never get better by doing this.

 

What you need to do is stop worrying about the divorce. I explained this earlier. If you haven't been served, see it as a positive, but don't dwell on it. Don't anticipate it. If you do get served, then it happens. It's still not the end.

 

I remember you saying that you don't want to be single or you don't know how to be single. This is a problem that you have to address. A relationship can only be successful if you WANT the person to be there, not because you NEED the person to be there. If you NEED the person, then there's something missing in yourself that you're getting from her. Try to find out what that is and fill it yourself. Then you won't NEED her, you will only WANT her. That's when the real pain ends. Change your NEED into WANT. Work on YOU. If you do this and she does come back, your relationship will be all the better for it. If she doesn't, YOU will be all the better for it and your next relationship will reap the benefits.

 

Just remember that we are all essentially alone in life. We are not physically part of each other. We are all individuals that lead our own unique lives. We don't NEED anyone to make us happy. If we do, it's not true happiness. True happiness comes from being a complete human in your own right. Strive for that. You won't be sorry. Things happen for a reason. We aren't given tests that we aren't able to accomplish.

 

Believe, trust, and let go...

 

Wow... this is great advice that Rye should heed! If Rye chooses not to heed this, he is keeping himself in this situation and has nobody to blame for his own unhappiness but himself.

 

James from the other thread needs to read this too.

[Logik]

Don't let this situation harden your heart. When I said move on, I didn't mean close off to her. Yes, you love her, but don't block her out of your life. Moving on isn't forgetting about her completely. Although it would be easier to do that, you don't want that to happen. Patience is the biggest thing you can learn from this. Patience with yourself and patience with her. This is a test for you in your life that you're facing now. It is a test for you. Her test is different. There's no right or wrong answers in this test. How you tackle it and deal with it is where you get your grades. But if you ignore it and not even bother to look at it, you will fail. And the next test you receive will be even harder.

 

2 things to remember during this time. 1. You lived alone before you met her, so you know you can do it. 2. When you got married, she was totally in love with you. That doesn't go away. It just gets suppressed by years of negative build up in her mind.

 

That's my opinion. Just some guy over the internet.

[ryepatch]

thanks logik. i didn't actually live alone before we got together. i had always had roommates. shared a room with my brother growing up.

 

there was no "last thing she said to me." just a lot of promises she didn't keep with no explanation. a lot of contradictory statements.

 

let me remind everyone that i don't have any ability to walk away from this. i have all her stuff, our cats, don't know what to do with them. can't leave town if there's going to be a divorce. i'm not going to initiate this divorce, i don't want it, and everyone from the mental health community is saying that i should just put off the divorce as long as possible.

 

last time i saw her, i told her i'd give her a divorce if she wanted one, if we could just talk 5 minutes about it and she told me why she wanted a divorce. i said, have you looked at mediation. she said she'd send me an email about it. nothing. no email.

 

here's what's new:

 

A) a few more unexplained knocks on the door. grrr. . .

 

B) our last mutual friend is gone. she gave him her new number but made him promise he wouldn't give it to me. i don't know why it matters, she hasn't answered the phone when i call since the day she left, and i could call her at work. anyway, he and i are no longer talking. i can't be friends with someone who's withholding contact info about my mentally ill wife. he said "i gave my word."

 

this is the friend who gave her LSD two weeks after she left, which i think triggered her mania/hypomania.

 

he and i still have a common friend, though, so now i'll be getting third-hand information. totally ridiculous.

 

C) she told him she's afraid of talking to me (or reading emails or letters) because I have the power to put ideas in her head and make her think they're hers. not an exact quote, it's a little unclear how psychotic this is but it definitely shows that she's incredibly paranoid and obsessed by me.

 

anyway, still standing by my marriage. anything could happen.

 

D) i have two therapists, my marriage counselor and then this other one, who told me yesterday that she might not be able to see me anymore because we have philosophical differences and i'm not trying to get healthy. our MC totally supports me, and is still trying to reach out to my wife.