donnist Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year now. She lives alone and I live with my parents. I have been a little insecure since mid relationship because there were times she would invite male friends over to do their hair. I told her that I didn't like the fact that there are male friends at your place without me knowing and late at night. So we agreed on letting eachother know when when we are in the presence of the opposite sex. During a discussion between my girlfriend and I, I found out that there has been a time when her male friend "Matt" came by without me knowing. Then a couple months later we took a weekend get away to another state. We got into an arguement again because I found out that she made a phone call to her ex-boyfriend "Matt" eleven in the morning. I found out that she has a list of guys that she has slept a year prior in her palm pilot that I was snooping around in before we got together. So one this weekend trip I asked her if she slept with the guy and she said "NO". Was I wrong for confronting her with this? Being that I snooped around and learned about "Matt" before we hooked up and now bringing it up and learning that the two answers confict. I broke up with her because she had no explanation, reason nor purpose for it being in her palm. She later told me that she and the guy almost slept together thats why she put it there. I want to get back with her after this... Lately we've been having really bad arguments for the littliest things. Yesterday I found a condom missing from her room. I asked her about it and she says she doesnt know what happend to it and it may be a few of her friends that may have taken it. She didnt want to tell me who was in her house because it was none of my business and we're not together. what should I do??????? HELP ME PLEASE!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Have you thought about getting a place of your own? As far as your question......guys coming over, condoms missing, not being informed......generally, where there is smoke there is fire. It sounds to me like you need to really evaluate your relationship. Even if everything is on the up and up.....if you are DATING someone and don't trust them completely.....how can you possibly expect a future final commitment to work out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author donnist Posted November 17, 2003 Author Share Posted November 17, 2003 I have thought about getting my own place.. but I am a full-time student and cant afford it... New York City is not the ideal place to start a living. I trust her but not entirely.. I mean when she get defensive or arguementaitve when I ask her where abouts, I start second guessing. I love this girl with all of my heart and sinew. And part of me believe that she hasnt been doing anything. because of what she explained to me. [color=darkred]How could I get to trust her as I should???[/color] Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Trust cannot be forced. Trust is something that grows naturally, over time, as you experience a person's behavior and learn that they are trustworthy. Things like * late night 1:1 private visits with members of the opposite sex, contrary to your wishes, * missing condoms * "none of your business" where she is or who she sees naturally tend to degrade trust, rather than build it. Seems like you would have to turn off your judgment to be able to trust her more. Real love includes trust, but not because you force it into existence. Your real choice is "Do I continue a relationship with someone with whom I am deeply infatuated, but do not trust?" Link to post Share on other sites
sinking Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Hi! To add, the other replies via are trust are valid. People know right from wrong, and I think you are being used. She knows you are on her about who, what, where and when. She says the "right words" to rope you on in. You fall for it, and then, it happens again. The day she doesn't come back with a good enough excuse, brings up the defensive outburst. If you two do get back together, it will never leave your mind. Because deep down you will be always looking for the lies and the "possibly" hidden agenda. By then, it is really worth it? I mean, geez you haven't even had a chance to venture out on your own just yet. She is going to continue to do whatever she is doing, with knowledge that you have a problem with her actions. You are letting her get away with it. Honestly, get away from her because the truth is all of us gals are not like that. Trust is like an instinct, one just knows he or she can or not with another person. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author donnist Posted November 17, 2003 Author Share Posted November 17, 2003 Thank you: SoleMate. That shed more light onto things... Now she wants me to not see/talk with her until I re-evaluated myself. To trust her and to know what I want and dont want in a relationship. She wants me to know why I want to be with her and know why I love her. What it is that I will be able to accept of her etc... Im thinking why??? I broke up with her b/c she couldnt explain to me why things were what they were. so now I must know what I want??? Great Scotts!!! HELP! Link to post Share on other sites
BklynGuy Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 This girl is playing you. I was in a similar situation. I told my ex from day one that no one else is to be involved in our relationship. She was a wolf in sheeps clothing. She'd tell me she was @ one location, I'd drive by when she didn't expect it and her car wouldn't be there. I'd call her house and her family would ask "Who is this?". In the back of my mind, I knew she was cheating but couldn't face the facts. I put my head in the sand. Then in May, she took a trip to Vegas w/her other boyfriend. My senses were SCREAMING at me something was wrong. I didn't listen. Finally, one night in July I confronted her and she dumps me on the phone after 4 1/2 years together. She just walked away and she was screaming and yelling. It was defensiveness. She would hint that she was cheating while I was with her. As soon as I brought it up, she was outta there. I have spoken to her a few times since and directly addressed this issue. Now she tells me "I have no idea what you're talking about." after she freely admitted it. It was unconscious guilt that made her admit it. She is cheating and you have to face the facts. "No man fights off death with his mind." Face facts and move on if that is what's right. NEVER let any woman get away with it! I will not in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author donnist Posted November 17, 2003 Author Share Posted November 17, 2003 [font=times new roman]I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year now. She lives alone and I live with my parents. I have been a little insecure since mid relationship because there were times she would invite male friends over to do their hair. I told her that I didn't like the fact that there are male friends at your place without me knowing and late at night. So we agreed on letting each other know when when we are in the presence of the opposite sex. Later on during a discussion between my girlfriend and I, I found out that there has been a time when her male friend "Matt" came by without me knowing. Then a couple months later we took a weekend get away to another state. We got into an arguement again because I found out that she made a phone call to her ex-boyfriend "Matt" eleven in the morning. I found out that she has a list of guys that she has slept a year prior in her palm pilot that I was snooping around in before we got together. So one this weekend trip I asked her if she slept with the guy and she said "NO". Was I wrong for confronting her with this? Being that I snooped around and learned about "Matt" before we hooked up and now bringing it up and learning that the two answers confict.[/font] Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 I'm having a hard time following your post. But what I'm getting from it is the fact that you're feeling insecure about your girlfriend's fidelity. You snoop around in her palm pilot (and cellphone?). She tells you you're worried for nothing. You must feel that you have reason to be suspicious. Are you usually suspicious of your girlfriends? Of people generally? If not, what is it about her behavior that makes you suspicious of her? She has male friends come over to "do their hair" -- is she styling their hair? She's a hairstylist, or is this a hobby of hers? I'm really not clear about what you're asking. Is it wrong to look through your girlfriend's palm pilot? Yes, if she hasn't given you permission. Is it wrong to ask her to account for her behavior with other guys before you adn she got together? Yes. Are you wrong to be suspicious of her? I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Your GF has an address book in which she has listed the names of her previous boyfriends. You snooped around in this book and found them She is still in contact with some of these guys - "Matt" being one of them You don't want her to be alone with the guy unless you know and approve ------ Correct so far? For whatever reason she keeps contact info - it is HER business, not yours. You do not own her. It is none of your business if she wants to keep old boyfriends contact information. You should not have been snooping. But you did snoop. Why? Do you not trust her? What has she said or done that would cause you to not trust her? If you don't trust her, why are you still in a relationship with her? You can't have an honest and meaningful relationship without trust. If she has, indeed done or said something that would cause you to distrust her - what do you see her doing to earn your trust back? This is something you need to discuss with her. ------------- Matt visits her sometimes, and she also called him while on vacation with you. Some people can maintain a good friendship after a romance has ended, but it doesn't happen that often. This goes back to my first statement about trust -- if you do not trust that she and Matt can see each other and are strictly platonic friends now, then your relationship has some serious problems. There is no trust. If you are sure that nothing has happened betweeen her and Matt since she made a commitment to you, then you have to deal with his visits, or ask her to choose between you and Matt (warning -- trying to make someone choose like this is often a relationship-ender). It was wrong of you to snoop. It was also wrong of her to call an ex-boyfriend while on vacation with you. That sends up red-flags in my book. Link to post Share on other sites
Author donnist Posted November 17, 2003 Author Share Posted November 17, 2003 to make it more clear... I looked through her palm before we got together. I never said anything about the list of guys that she slept with because it was none of my business. But now a year later as we're seeing each other she made this phone call to her ex and told me that they never did anything. I confronted her about what I read in her palm a year ago and she told me nothing happened between them. But in her palm this person is on the list of guys that she slept with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author donnist Posted November 17, 2003 Author Share Posted November 17, 2003 [color=darkred]To make it more clear... I looked through my girlfriends palm before we even got together. I never said anything about the list of guys that she slept with because it was none of my business. But now a year later as we're seeing each other she made this phone call to her ex and we got into a big arguement. I asked if there was anything going on between them and she told no and that they never had any form of sex. They got as far as lying in bed together. I then confronted her about what I read in her palm a year ago and she told me nothing happened between them. But in her palm this person is on the list of guys that she slept with. I know I was wrong for snooping in her palm but was I also wrong for confronting her about it?[/color] Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Re-evaluate YOUR self??? YOU aren't the one who appears to be screwing around. She needs to do the "evaluating" as to WHY she wants to keep a boyfriend...yet doesn't respect the relationship enough to assure him....in ALL areas....that she is being faithful. You DO need to re-elvaluate the relationship cause I think this one is not panning out for you. I agree with BKLYN....your emotions are being played with. Girlfriends who act this way.....become Wives who act this way. Can you imagine if you were married and had children with someone who can't even keep her condoms straight. You seem like a nice guy....take some time to find yourself a nice girl who will appreciate you. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Considering your previous post......I'd be more concerned about the lies and missing condoms than I would on what you read on her palm. Palm snooping???? Never heard of that one. Link to post Share on other sites
chipawaw2 Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Your gut does not lie. If you think something...9 times outta 10 your immediate reaction is usually the 1 you should go with. I was with a cat for 3 years that would lie his behind off with a straight face and then when confronted with a "Truth" that he couldn't deny would go off the deep end and start trying to blame me for being so intrusive. ME: Why is such n such calling your house at 11:59 pm...EX: WHY are you looking on my caller ID? Just the fact that you are asking questions is your answer. A mate that is not doing anything wrong and cares about your feelings wont go off on you because you asked a question. They would be caring and kind about "Why do you feel that way". People cheat for all reasons, but what is beyond comprehension is why cant she just let you go? I will tell you from experience, they will never let you go as they get to have their cake and eat it to. And they dont have to be the "bad guy" by dumping you. This is a no win situation. There is NOTHING worse than hearing the phone ring and wondering if your mate is up to some shenanigans or wondering about their whereabouts. Its a horrible existence that will only end up having to say good-bye in the end anyways. Then you will be ULTRA mad at yourself because you will say "see, I should have left when I had the chance". Dont set yourself up for the drama. If shes all about you...then she will move hell and high-water to make sure you know that you are the only one for her Link to post Share on other sites
Author donnist Posted November 18, 2003 Author Share Posted November 18, 2003 I broke up with my girlfriend 3 time before... I just recently broke up with my girlfriend on October 30th. We have been talking on and off since then. Lately we decided that I should first get to know myself and figure out how and why I still want to be with her. Also she wants me to understand what I am willing to accept from a relationship with her. And during this time she doesnt want us to have any contact. Because since the break up I've been calling her. Its been about two days and I have done what she asked but she doesnt think that it was enough time. Now she is saying that she needs time to think if she can be with me... I am having a very hard time not being able to speak with her. I dont feel as if she doesnt want to be me. Its just not talking and not seeing her feels detrimental to me... I feel like we are going to stray away from each other by not keeping contact on any level. [color=darkred]What should I do???[/color] Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 It appears to me that she has all intentions of "straying". Regardless of how much you call her or try to contact her in any way.....you can't change her heart. If she has asked you to stay away.....you have to respect her wishes and stay away. If you don't.....you can be assured she will NEVER come back to you because you may choke out any affection she has left for you. It's so hard to give someone up......but people have to face that task everyday. The ones who are wiser....get it over with as soon as possible rather than deluding themselves that they can "make it happen" by bugging the other person to death. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 Lately we decided that I should first get to know myself and figure out how and why I still want to be with her. Also she wants me to understand what I am willing to accept from a relationship with her. You say you "did what she asked." What conclusions did you derive? How did you get to know yourself? What about yourself have you learned? Why do you still want to be with her? Is it because you are afraid of being alone? Is it because you are happy? Is it because you make her happy? What ARE you willing to accept in a relationship? What is important to you? What are your priorities? What is a deal-breaker for you? Because since the break up I've been calling her. Its been about two days and I have done what she asked but she doesnt think that it was enough time. Why have you been calling her? For what purpose? Fear? Insecurity? ???? I don't think two days is enough time for you to fully think this out either. You need to do some serious soul-searching and be honest with yourself. Are you co-dependent? Do you cling? Smother? Are you a door-mat? Do you stand up for yourself? Do you have your own opinions? Do you follow with whatever she says or does because you are afraid if you voice a contrary opinion or viewpoint your relationship will end? Now she is saying that she needs time to think if she can be with me Sounds like she is doing her own soul-searching. Her list of priorities might not match yours. If not, then breaking up is the right thing to do. Don't try to second guess her while you are thinking about yourself. Don't say to yourself, "my real viewpoint is A - but I think her's is B, so I'll tell her that my viewpoint is B so I can stay with her" That will only end up hurting you both in the long run. If you love her and want her to be happy, then you have to be honest about yourself. If the way you really feel is different from what she feels then you can't make her happy, and she won't be able to make you happy. What should you do? Honestly get to know yourself. What are your priorities in a relationship? What role do you want to play? What role do you want a girlfriend to play? What compromises can you make and what won't you change? Link to post Share on other sites
Author donnist Posted November 18, 2003 Author Share Posted November 18, 2003 Yes it is hard to give up something you love... Like loosing a child, limb or better yet part of my heart. Can see myself doing that, Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 Originally posted by donnist Yes it is hard to give up something you love... Like loosing a child, limb or better yet part of my heart. Can see myself doing that, You only think it's bad and hurtful. It is NOTHING like losing a child - that is pain you cannot imagine. If I can survive that -- twice, then you can survive and thrive giving up someone who has hurt you. Link to post Share on other sites
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