What is going on?

[loripuff]

:confused:I have a friend who confuses me. Briefly, I have been friends with this man for over a year. He went through a fairly sudden divorce after a rather awful, but physically attractive beauty queen type person, just up and left him in winter 2007-2008. I have been attracted to him, but with his recent divorce, I had not put pressure on to him to take our friendship to the next level, and just enjoyed his company. There have been lots of hugs, several meaningful conversations, hands on thighs, being in personal space, but no overt "move," in the last year.

 

After a particularly frustrating tiring week at work, I decided to attack all the things that were stressing me and asked him a rather blunt question. I asked if I was more attractive would we be dating? He was quiet for a while, to which I said, "well, your silence gives me all the answer I need." He said, "It's more complicated than that." I said, "actually, it's really simple." I didn't talk to him for over a month until he called me to sort all this out. I apologized for putting him on the spot and he said he never wanted to go through not talking to me again. We were a little uncomfortable the first time we were together in person, but things have subsequently improved. I wasn't sure if I could get past feeling ugly around him, but I did, for the most part. I put him into the friends category, thinking at least I know where I stand. At this point, his work took him to the Midwest, making the friendship thing easier to swallow. He had to come back for a work training near me for a week or so, so I got to see him for a little while. Things were very comfortable and civilized and I had stopped dwelling on the tough question episode. We hug when he has to leave. As he is walking down my front walkway to leave, he says, "I love you." Stunned, I just say, I love you too....knee jerk reaction. As soon he gets home, he texted me the following." U really r such a great friend. so lucky to have u in my life-thanks for being u. Sorry we didn't have more time to chill-we'll rectify that next time. Talk to you soon!!" I think about things for a few days and suggest that perhaps I could pop out to see him for a few days next month. He responds, "That would be awesome--I'll call you later this week so we can set it up.. It's a little hectic here after being away from work for a week" That was four days ago.

 

(I should say he is about a 8.5 out of ten hottie wise, I'm about a 5, so there is an attractiveness discrepancy, but I have a lot of other nice qualities (creative, funny, generous, smart, I'm a doctor with a good income, no baggage). He is an atypical male in that he has only ever slept with his now ex-wife when he was 25 and who he said he was friends with for a while before their relationship became romantic.)

 

What do I do? I'm in no way interested in a repeat of the earlier event, but honestly, if he ever does start dating someone else, I don't think I can be friends with him anymore. To me, "I love you." is a pretty big matzo ball hanging out there. I don't say it lightly and certainly not when I don't mean it, but I don't know if he thinks it's ok to say to a friend, especially after recent shaking of our relationships foundation. The I love you incident has thrown me for a loop. It is the one thing that doesn't fit very well with my friend zone. I'm inclined not to do anything from an emotional self preservation standpoint. My therapist has brought up a point that, the "it's complicated" response to my why aren't we dating/attractive question might not have anything to do with me...saying it could be due to his divorce, his track record for moving slow, his being in between jobs, or other things that I could not presume to know and that I shouldn't rule out him wanting to take this further at some point. I'm a pessimist by nature and to me, hoping that this relationship will evolve, is only setting myself up for a huge heartbreak. I think he would make it obvious if it had the potential for something beyond friendship. What do you guys think?

[loripuff]

Please help me! Does anyone have any ideas as to where his head/heart is at or what I should or shouldn't do?

[mammax3]

Hey loripuff, great synopsis of the situation, really gave me a sense of what's going on.

 

From what you've indicated, I would guess that he likes to take it slow, that building relationships is very important to him to establish the trust and the intimacy. It can take years to get over the loss of a relationship, and if your guy is by nature introspective and contemplative and 'slow' then it may take a LONG time to process what's happend in his life.

 

How do you feel about giving him that space and time and doing it all on his timeline? How would you feel after 'giving' that space, if he chose a woman other than you? I suggest you do what your comfortable with. If right now is a good time for you to just chill and be a support system for him, then I say go for it - as long as it's not to the detriment of you and your schedule and your timeline (read: no sacrifices on your part). If you'd prefer to find someone who is ready to commit and ready to cherish you for the smart, creative woman that you are, then I say go for it - this man is not ready for that position.