heidi23 Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 I was wondering if someone could help out with this situation... I have a boyfriend of 2 years, and we started off as great friends, and have been happily dating, and doing alot of outdoor, traveling, and creative activities together. This is the sweetest man I have ever met in my entire life... He treats me good, respects me, and listens to me, and I have never met a man who was so in love with me. I can honestly say, I know he loves me a hell of a lot more than I love him. A couple of months ago, he brought up the idea of marriage, and says he'd like to plan to marry me. We both don't want kids, although he might want kids in the near future.. This is a problem for me. I have a career in the media industry and have been in it for 9 years. I am constantly busy, and the little time we spend together we try to make the best of. I finally moved in with him, to my dismay. I've been so independent for all my life, and hated it the day I moved in. Something was wrong. I wasn't ready for this. I sort of freaked out and realized I might not ever be ready for marriage and this sort of committment! I told him how I felt and we both agreed that I should probably move out. It made me feel much better. I also was honest with him about my feelings with being married,(I'm 25, he's 34 years old) and how he's older and a little too pushy now, and I turned down his offer for his grandmothers engagement ring. Yeah, my life has turned upside down now. I never in my life expected this would happen to me now at this point in my life. this new guy started a couple of weeks ago where I work... I was introduced to him, and he and I immediately hit it off. Now this guy is not an official employee of the place I work at, just a contracted worker, so It was no big deal. It turned out he and I worked with alot of the same people in the past, and knew alot of the same people. We talked and talked for awhile in my office, and it was the best conversation I've had in awhile. I felt like I finally found someone I could really talk to. The problem is, this guy came on really strong with me. He is kinda flirtatious, because he talks for a living, and is very personable with people. but he only wanted to ask me out over and over again. I finally agreed, and we met for a cocktail at the bar next door to where I work. I find myself attracted to him, although he's much older, (41) and He arrived at the bar, and is so flirtatious, he kissed me on the cheek. I had a glass of wine, then he took me over to a restaurant and ordered dinner for the both of us. He said he is in a relationship that is going downhill(he's never been married) and it's because he doesn't want to marry this woman he's with. They don't live together, and he said she cheated on him twice already. Well, I told him my situation, how I didn't want to get married with my boyfriend, and was moving out, and he was amazed. As a matter of fact, we started talking about how it was so cool that we both didn't want kids, and that marriage was cool for companionship and he wanted to travel, etc. etc. He also knows my boyfriend vaguely through friends, so this was weird that we had so much in common. It was like we agreed on everything. It was strange. By the end of dinner, we both had had about a couple of drinks He spent about 150.00 on me without complaining, and was so impressed with me, he kept telling me over and over again. and then we sat at the bar, he then spoke to me and moved in and started kissing me in public in front of everyone. We made out all night for 5 hours. It was the most amazing, absolute best time I have ever had. I was so attracted to him, and it was such a terrible terrible thing. You see, I'm not attracted anymore to my boyfriend. It has hurt me to keep turning my boyfriend down for sex, but it's true. This new guy even knew my boyfriend would absolutely kill him, and I was just in a daze. I didn't go home with him, nor did I sleep with him. At the end of the night he laughed and said you wont' get hitched with that guy, get hitched with me! We both agreed to go home by 2am. We had been kissing for about 5 hours, so.. The next morning he called me around 9:00am asking if I was alright. I said sure, and he wanted to get together again. I went to see him at his band performance two days later because he had invited me prior to our first date, and he was so happy I did. We met afterwards for a cocktail, and he and I talked wonderfully. It was an early evening, so by 9pm, he had to go, and he gave me a quick kiss on the lips, saying that I knew where he was at, and he'd see me the following week. I feel like he's trying to slow things down, since he went in kinda strong the first time. I sure hope so. What should I do if I'm interested in meeting with him again? I Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Break it off with your current boyfriend before you do anything. End it and finalize the ending. Let the poor guy get on with his life. Don't worry about sparing his feelings -- he's going to be hurt no matter what, but it's going to hurt even more if you don't tell him. Insist the new guy do the same with his current girlfriend. That is the only mature, responsible thing that either of you can do. You have to both be free to pursue a relationship with each other, and even if you don't pursue this - you are not committed to your current boyfriend and need to let him go. Now. You said you are 25, you shouldn't need someone to tell you what to do - you should be mature enough to know that you do not want to marry BF #1. You don't want kids - but he might [insert big [color=red]RED FLAG [/color]here]. You are cheating on BF #1. (How would you like to be cheated on?) all of these things mean its time to break up with him. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 you have a boyfriend you don't want because he wants a commitment, but you meet a man who you suck face with all night long and worry that he "might be trying to slow things down" because he's busy with his life. I think you're interested in the idea of romance but not the realities of it. And that's fine, as long you understand that there are still rules you need to abide by. First and foremost, as Hokey points out, you need to break off your relationship with the first guy, the one you like but don't want to marry. You're not being fair to him, the new guy or yourself if you try to date others but still are with Guy #1. Next, you need to decide what you want from your life: is it a committed relationship that's not necessarily bound for marriage; a committed relationship that IS marriage-bound or just the opportunity to date others. you say you don't want to settle down but you're interested in pursuing something with the musician. Clear the playing field, then go for it. A breakup might be hard on your boyfriend, but he'll thank you for not toying with him when his intentions were more serious than what you feel for him; and the new guy will appreciate that the girl he's interested in (you) doesn't have any entanglements. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 I agree with the others. Spare your boyfriend any more pain than he will already feel, and break it off with him now, before you cheat anymore. You obviously dont love him enough to be with him in the longterm. I'm sure it may be confusing for you, but show your bf some respect! He surely deserves at least that. And make sure you don't view this new man through rose coloured glasses, just because it's new. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled1 Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 Originally posted by heidi23 It was like we agreed on everything. It was strange. By the end of dinner, we both had had about a couple of drinks He spent about 150.00 on me without complaining, and was so impressed with me, he kept telling me over and over again. and then we sat at the bar, he then spoke to me and moved in and started kissing me in public in front of everyone. We made out all night for 5 hours. It was the most amazing, absolute best time I have ever had. I was so attracted to him, and it was such a terrible terrible thing. Oh come on, of COURSE it appeared you had everything in common.....a guy will say anything to get into a woman's pants LOL! Of course he threw a wad of cash away, of course he was impressed with you, he figured he'd get laid. It's not rocket science. What kind of woman would "make out for 5 hours" in a bar with some practical stranger, when she's got a BOYFRIEND? I'll tell you...one who's very guillible, naive, enjoys attention, is easily influenced and schmoozed, who doesn't have any respect or consideration for her BOYFRIEND. Please, end things with your poor boyfriend, so he can find himself a mature woman who doesn't suffer from cranio-rectal inversion syndrome. Link to post Share on other sites
heidi23 Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 Sounds like that last post was kinda harsh considering the fact that I have not ever cheated on any man I've dated... I don't call myself gulible, just a little weirded out by this whole situation. Anyway, this guy #2 has a girlfriend that he's miserable with, and was the one to make the moves on me while I was drunk thank you very much, and left me so damn confused. So I guess I shouldn't be attracted to him then anymore? I mean, hell, I enjoyed myself and so did he! If he's interested in me romantically, he'll have to do the calling and the pursuing like he's already doing. I'm no easy girl that sleeps with every guy i meet! He knows that already! That should show him that I'm at least respecting some part of me, and if he's truly interested, he'll come around. Sure he wants to get in my pants, what average guy who's straight and likes sex doesn't want to get in a girls pants? I had fun, but I didn't expect this guy to walk into my life and for us to get along so well. I have decided not to sleep with him, and to wait things out. I will continue being friends,and if it's meant to be it's meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled1 Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 He's got a girlfriend he's miserable with? LOLOLOL So that's what he's telling you? Honey, if he was that miserable, neither rain nor sleet nor snow nor hail would stop him from ending such a miserable relationship...but the fact is, that's just a convenient line of BS he's handing you (that you're readily accepting) so that you'll a) feel all sorry for him and b) think it's "okay" to make-out with him. What would make a guy stay in a miserable relationship? Do you think his girlfriend puts a gun to his head and threatens that if he leaves her, she'll blow his balls off? Of course not. So wake up and smell the coffee..the guy's a near middle-aged player who's getting his kicks and having his ego stroked by trying to get it on with an intoxicated woman 16 yrs his junior. And in your response, I didn't read one thing about your poor boyfriend. What, he doesn't figure into any of this? Guess not. Now it's all about you. Your poor boyfriend, my heart goes out to him, to be in a relationship with someone so selfish and naive. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 from cranio-rectal inversion syndrome. Link to post Share on other sites
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