Will I get over this affair???

[hollybug828]

Will I ever get over this.

 

I found out two weeks ago that my husband of 6 years had been having an affair for six months. He didn't tell me the woman's husband came to my house to tell me and he and my husband got into a big fight out in the yard and that is how I found out.

 

We had been having our problems but I just thought that it was something that all married couples went through. All of the signs were there; he started working out, he started becoming private and wanting time to himself, but I trusted him with every ounce of my being and did not imagine that he would do this to me and our little boy.

 

We had a big argument about three months ago and he told me that he was thinking of leaving me because I was such a "nag" and that he couldn't even stand to be around me anymore. (he was actually planning to leave me for her, only I didn't know that at this point) Now this hurt but I just couldn't see us seperating without trying everything so I did my best to change and to be a better wife and mother.

 

Now all of this is from him, but he says that after this happened and we started getting along better that he tried to end it with her but she threatened to tell me and so the affair continued. Finally she got fed up with him not leaving me and told her husband just so he would tell me and I would leave my husband.

 

He says that the affair started when he started talking to her about how bad our relationship was. She was apparently really sweet to him and understanding and he decided that he was in love with her. He had at one point decided to leave me for her because he loved her and thought that things between us couldn't be worked out.

 

He says that now that I know everything will be over between them and that he really wants to make a go at us. I don't know what to do. I really do still love him and never stopped. We have a wonderful three year old little boy that really loves his daddy and I know would just be heartbroken if we were to seperate.

 

I need to know if I will ever be able to get over this. I need to know if anyone who has ever been through this has been able to get over it.

 

Thanks,

 

Angela

[GuitarScho]

Angela,

 

Yes, you CAN get over this.

 

The big question is, can your husband?

 

He didn't tell you anything until a third party intervened and damaged his relationship with the "other woman". He apparently engineered an argument with you to pave the way for him to leave you. He blames the other woman for the continuation of their relationship after he had made a decision to work things out with you. Now that things have gone to hell in a handbasket for him with this person, he wants to make a go of things with you.

 

Do you see a pattern in any of this behavior?

 

If he continues to refuse to take responsibility for any of his actions, you are going to have a heck of a time bearing the burden for making this relationship work all by yourself.

 

Is this the life you want for yourself?

 

Is the example you want set for your son?

 

You can get over this kind of a relationship - in much the same way as you get over the death of a loved one. You grieve, you mourn, and eventually you begin to build a life without the person you have lost. It takes time, and strength, and all the support you can muster. You've made a good step by starting here.

 

- GS

[Arabess]

In my experience of knowing several "other women"......let me tell you honestly....they don't walk away easily. I don't know what the hell it is about a "soul mate" relationship which becomes such a strong attraction....but it does. If she went as far as telling HER husband....then she is serious about the relationship with YOUR husband.

 

I know that makes her sound like quite the tramp...but after he has spoken words of love to her and promised to be with her.....there is a very good chance she will forgive him.

 

As soon as he gets things patched up with you, he may very well enter into that relationship with her again. Then, as last time, he'll find some reason to blame YOU for the marriage having problems (like the "nag" accusiation) so he feels justified with his affair.

 

I agree with GS.....YOU can get over it......but will HE be able to?????

 

If he got drunk and had a one night stand....that's one thing. BUT a 6 month affair with someone he thought he loved.....I don't know....Maybe you should try again for your child's sake......but I'd go back into the marriage with both eyes open.

[Faerie Princess]

I'd really suggest it.

 

I agree that you can get over this, you can get over anything that you chose to. But I also agree that it seems like your husband is having trouble "owning" his own part in your problems. His discontent with you was all about you, but what about him? His affair was gonna be over but she wouldn't let him end it.

 

There are a lot of justifications and rationalizations going on here. I'd really suggest that he decide what he wants in life, and if he wants to own his own actions and thoughts.

 

I'd also say to you, what do you need to do on your side of the marriage? Why is there the discontent that led to the affair?

 

And I'd say, talk to a professional.