My boyfriend hates my best (female) friend...what do I do?

[murphy360]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 1.5 years and we are the best of friends...super close. I am also super close with my best friend, who is a girl. My boyfriend doesn't like her and I don't know what to do.

 

I know he has a right to feel how he feels, and I know he is not jealous of her and I's friendship. What bothers me more than the fact that he doesn't like her, is that he won't give her a chance and come hang out with her and my other friends.

 

Any suggestions? Thanks in advance.

[Arabess]

You'll probably get a whole RANGE of opinions regarding this question. Some people are more prone to think you should be your own person and not let him make demands regarding your choice of friendships. Other people are more prone to think you have to put the relationship first.

 

To be honest....I have NO IDEA what I would do. It would depend on how serious the relationship was and if the friendship was somehow disrupting it. There HAS to be some valid reason as to why he doesn't like her. Maybe he feels jealous or threatened with you being close to someone else. If that's the case, the choice would have to be yours. If he dislikes her for some tangible reason....he should tell you and give her a chance to prove him incorrect.

 

 

How does she feel about him???

[Thinkalot]

I suppose if he has a valid reason for not liking her, or there is a personality clash, then there is little you can do. Certainly don't push the issue...just accept you will have to see them separately. Pushing things can increase people's stubborness in my experience! If not, talk to him about how important it is for you that he give your friend a chance...maybe a compromise, where he just sees her with you every now and then. The main thing is, that he doesn't mind YOU seeing her or try to control your time, or choice of friends (all things within reason of course..I am assuming you don't spend unreasonable amounts of time with her, which may leave him out). Respect his feelings, and see if you can stand in his shoes to gain some understanding. I am also curious - does she like him?

[murphy360]

She has no problem with him at all, she likes him (as a friend obviously). Her and I got in a fight a while ago because she thought I was spending too much time with him. She got mad at stupid things....childish things. It's tough because I agree with the reasons as to why he doesn't like her, but I am not going to give up her and I's friendship for it. So he does have a valid reason...I just can't seem to get him to 'suck it up' and hang out with her (and her bf and friends) as a favour for me. Maybe I shouldn't demand this? Maybe I should just let it be?

 

 

We ARE serious and she knows that. At the time we had our fight, she was single, now she is just as serious as I am with a guy and seems to understand where I was at that time.

 

My friendship with her isn't disrupting anything. She is beginning to think he hates her, however, she hasn't said that to me, I can just tell because she always asks why he isn't around when she is.

 

 

One more thing...I guess I just want everyone to like everyone...and think that's how it should be....but the world isn't perfect, right?

[Thinkalot]

murphy, I can relate, as I always want everyone to like everyone and get on..especially if the parties involved are both in my life. But the world doesn't work that way!

 

As I have said in reply to another post, my mum and boyfriend had a falling out for quite a while, and I knocked myself out trying to MAKE them be friends. It didn't work and ended up just upsetting me, and upsetting them. All my pushing and reasoning achieved little, except them both getting even more tense and standing their ground. I backed off in the end, and they came around and are now friends!

 

Like you, I thought my bf should hang out with my mum etc, even if it was just as a favour to me. But it really doesn't work that way. People deserve respect, and where there are feelings based on valid reasons, they need to be respected. The main thing, as I said, is that you can still spend time with your friend. If your bf isnt there, so be it. Your friend may feel hurt, but she'll cope. Try not to take on other people's feelings (something I'm always learning), just be fair to all, and true to yourself. That's all you can do.

[murphy360]

Thanks for the great advice.

 

 

But, what do I say to my friend if she asks me if my boyfriend hates her? Like I said, I think she thinks he doesn't like her...

[Thinkalot]

Perhaps you should be honest, but in a gentle, nice way. Say, "he just doesnt agree with you on certain things and prefers to not hang with you..or that he needs some time etc"..tell her you are sorry and that it frustrates you, but that for your sake, you hope she wont be too hurt, or hold it against YOU. Say it's a bummer, but it's just how things have turned out and reassure her that you guys can still hang together. Perhaps your bf will come round a bit in time. I agree, it would be generous of him if he was able to do that for you. But if he's not willing, and you love him lots, then you'll have to deal with it.

 

If you dont want to be that honest with your friend, then just say he's busy..and likes a bit of time to himself, while you guys hang out.

 

I don't really have an answer, just suggestions. Just try and be happy seeing them separately, and make light of it with your friend. If she's mature, she'll cope.

[Thinkalot]

I just wanted to add, that while I have tried to think of solutions for you, I know it's a tough one, and it would upset me too. I would certainly also want my bf to give my friend a chance (assuming he hasn't really done that). That does seem a fair thing. But if that doesn't happen, then my above advice will maybe help. In the end, if he makes you happy otherwise, then this one thing is something you might have to simply live with. Use your own discretion with your bf and friend...you know them after all!

[murphy360]

Thanks for the suggestions.

 

I know I should be honest with my friend, but I don't want to upset her I guess. She is the kind of person who thinks its best if we all got along, and would think that my boyfriend isn't the one for me if he doesn't like the people I hang around with. But her and I are very different, and I can see how he has come to not like her.

[ziggue]

Maybe your boyfriend doesn't have that many friends himself? He could feel lonely or left out when you go out with your friend.

 

Your friend has a boyfriend too so get all of you guys to go out together. Asuming the two guys will get along. That way you can spend more time with your friend as well as your boyfriend.

[murphy360]

bad idea, he doesnt care to hang out with them....so he wont. i've tried to change that but its no use...there's no point.

 

he's feels as though he shouldnt have to if he doesnt want to, which is fine, he has that right....it just bums me out a bit thats all...

[Thinkalot]

Sometimes lowering our expectations helps lower our dissapointment.

[Arabess]

You know what Murphy? Do you think they are just jealous of each other because they have to share you? Kind of like "sibling rivalry"? It's just a thought.

[am i crazy]

I am so glad I found this page and need advise.

 

I have been with my botfriend for 1 1/2 years. things are great and we speak about getting married and spending our lives together, and then the issue comes in of the dreded ex.

 

my boyfreind had been with his ex for 6 years. 4 years ago they moved intogether for 1 month and then she left him and move to New York with another guy. this completely brook his heart and they did not speak for over a year, and then were able to develop a friendship, they email and hang out when she comes into town for a visit. she is still with the another man and even has a 2 year old with him.

 

anyway he had asked me to check somthing in his email and there are a string of emails from her from over the last 5 years! he has kept them all! some are really flirty and he even has a page about how she looks like a famous actress that he loves from 2 years ago.

 

the lastes emails are not so bad, from since i have come into the picture, just updates on her life, but i cannot help obsessing over this! I am so scarded that he is going to leave me for her, or that he has secret feelings for her, even though he tells me that i am the one for him and that they are just friends

 

he has also kept all of the email i have sent him, so he maybe just a pac rat, but it freaks me out.

 

how do i decide if this is a safe realtionship for me...i am so scard about getting my heart broken....do i have a right to be fearful or am i crazy?