A rant about FB and exes (again)

[stace79]

Okay, I will probably get the same kind of advice as the last time I posted something similar, but if nothing else I just need to rant somewhere personal and private from the others involved. For anyone following my sagas (haha), my fiance's ex (who broke us up two years or so ago) has added my future sister-in-law as a Facebook friend. She added her after my fiance e-mailed her telling her he did not want to be her friend or talk to her anymore. Also after he ignored her texts twice, and didn't send her anything on her birthday, and then he changed his cell phone number.

 

The first time she added the future Sis-in-law she wrote a pretty personal message all about how much she misses my fiance's family, it's been "way too long" since they were in touch, etc. My fiance and I got into a debate about it b/c it pisses me off so much. The reason it does so is b/c he finally manned up and told her not to contact him anymore (for me) and now she is finding any way to try and keep a foot in his life and knowing what he is doing.

 

Now last night she posted another message on her wall -- just said her new profile pic was great and she was pretty. I had to fight not to post a comment saying "Yes she is gorgeous and going to make a beautiful bridesmaid in [fiance's name] and I's wedding next year."

 

I know you all will probably tell me to do nothing, and I somewhat agree.... but how can I get it to not bother me anymore? Obviously she is going to keep doing these kinds of things.

[Untouchable_Fire]

My fiance and I got into a debate about it b/c it pisses me off so much. The reason it does so is b/c he finally manned up and told her not to contact him anymore (for me) and now she is finding any way to try and keep a foot in his life and knowing what he is doing.

 

You need to evaluate what's important to you.

 

If you were picking fights with me over something like that... I dump you too!

 

Just remember... there is smart drama, and stupid drama. This girl texting him... that would be a time for some smart drama. Texting his sister... that's stupid drama. See the difference?

[stace79]

You need to evaluate what's important to you.

 

If you were picking fights with me over something like that... I dump you too!

 

Just remember... there is smart drama, and stupid drama. This girl texting him... that would be a time for some smart drama. Texting his sister... that's stupid drama. See the difference?

 

I see that I should not really argue with him over it, because he can't make his ex stop texting his sister or writing on her Facebook. What I am trying to do is figure out a way that it doesn't bother me anymore.

 

I was so happy when my fiance showed me the e-mail he wrote to this girl telling her that I was most important and that his friendship with her had to end. I was also happy that when she kept trying to text him, he would show me the text and then do whatever I asked him to do -- which we decided ignoring her was best. I was happy when he changed his number, b/c now I don't even have to worry that she will text him at all since she doesn't have the new number.

 

It just is very irritating that this girl is so desperate to inject herself into his life that she resorts to trying to "befriend" his sister now.

 

I am venting here 1) so I don't have to even bring it up with him and 2) so I can hopefully find a way to cope so that I don't get so angry every time she writes something on his sister's facebook or something similar.

[New Again]

My bf's most recent ex likes to do the same thing. She does it a lot less now (not entirely sure of the details that made this change, but I have a vague idea). It felt like this girl was stalking me on facebook. She would literally NEVER comment on pics, etc. or write wall posts on my bf's sister's and friend's walls UNLESS I wrote something first. So I was constantly getting emails that "____ ______ also commented on _______'s photo/link/etc."

 

It sucks and it's annoying. In my case, I know the ex was intentionally doing it to be a b*tch to me. Do you honestly know that your fiance's ex is doing it to get to you or do you just think that? If you know she is, well guess what? Don't let it get to you. There's nothing you can do about it.

 

Otherwise...they're probably just friends, and there's still nothing you can do about it. It's not as though she's posting things about her and your fiance right? I know it sucks, and it can be hurtful. If anything, your future sister in law probably knows the ex has issues and whatnot, right?

[New Again]

 

It just is very irritating that this girl is so desperate to inject herself into his life that she resorts to trying to "befriend" his sister now.

 

I am venting here 1) so I don't have to even bring it up with him and 2) so I can hopefully find a way to cope so that I don't get so angry every time she writes something on his sister's facebook or something similar.

This happened to me too. But, YOU won, right? You have the guy, AND he and his family and friends know you treat him well and you're not a psycho, right? This girl will eventually lose interest and knock it off. It's just not worth it to get upset over.

[stace79]

My bf's most recent ex likes to do the same thing. She does it a lot less now (not entirely sure of the details that made this change, but I have a vague idea). It felt like this girl was stalking me on facebook. She would literally NEVER comment on pics, etc. or write wall posts on my bf's sister's and friend's walls UNLESS I wrote something first. So I was constantly getting emails that "____ ______ also commented on _______'s photo/link/etc."

Yes this is pretty much what she does to me. Or, in this case she was commenting about a photo that I had not written anything on, and so she made a public post on her wall.

 

It sucks and it's annoying. In my case, I know the ex was intentionally doing it to be a b*tch to me. Do you honestly know that your fiance's ex is doing it to get to you or do you just think that? If you know she is, well guess what? Don't let it get to you. There's nothing you can do about it.

Yes, she added his sister just to be a beyatch. The ex and the sister have been on FB way longer than me, and if they were such friends why didn't the ex add her long ago when she was still dating my fiance? Also, the sister told my fiance that the ex added her, not the other way around. The whole thing reeks of b*tchiness, and it falls in line with some of her other antics over the years. Even my fiance admits it is likely not innocent.

 

Otherwise...they're probably just friends, and there's still nothing you can do about it. It's not as though she's posting things about her and your fiance right? I know it sucks, and it can be hurtful. If anything, your future sister in law probably knows the ex has issues and whatnot, right?

 

Yes, but it's like what do I have to do? Delete from friends my future sister-in-law? Because sadly due to all the drama involving her for a majority of my 3 1/2 year relationship, any mere mention of her illicits a spike in blood pressure. I am hoping it will just subside more and more but it makes me want to write her a nasty message or just punch her in the nose.

 

Obviously I will not do those things (at least not punch her in the nose haha). I guess ranting about it here and getting other people's feedback about it helps me cope for now.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I was so happy when my fiance showed me the e-mail he wrote to this girl telling her that I was most important and that his friendship with her had to end. I was also happy that when she kept trying to text him, he would show me the text and then do whatever I asked him to do -- which we decided ignoring her was best. I was happy when he changed his number, b/c now I don't even have to worry that she will text him at all since she doesn't have the new number.

 

Just an FYI... you come across as controlling. It's not Ok when guys do it... and it's definitely not Ok when girls do it.

 

At some point your going to have to develop trust. First your going to need to end your insecurity issues.

 

I am venting here 1) so I don't have to even bring it up with him and 2) so I can hopefully find a way to cope so that I don't get so angry every time she writes something on his sister's facebook or something similar.

 

Those are both great ideas! Work out your issues where he doesn't have to get drawn into it.

[New Again]

Yes this is pretty much what she does to me. Or, in this case she was commenting about a photo that I had not written anything on, and so she made a public post on her wall.

 

 

Yes, she added his sister just to be a beyatch. The ex and the sister have been on FB way longer than me, and if they were such friends why didn't the ex add her long ago when she was still dating my fiance? Also, the sister told my fiance that the ex added her, not the other way around. The whole thing reeks of b*tchiness, and it falls in line with some of her other antics over the years. Even my fiance admits it is likely not innocent.

 

 

 

Yes, but it's like what do I have to do? Delete from friends my future sister-in-law? Because sadly due to all the drama involving her for a majority of my 3 1/2 year relationship, any mere mention of her illicits a spike in blood pressure. I am hoping it will just subside more and more but it makes me want to write her a nasty message or just punch her in the nose.

 

Obviously I will not do those things (at least not punch her in the nose haha). I guess ranting about it here and getting other people's feedback about it helps me cope for now.

 

In my case everyone realized what a psycho the ex was, after a couple of incidents, so I had a good laugh at how her true colors came out and caused her to crash and burn. My bf's sister also started writing on bf's wall like crazy - about plans he and I had with her, commenting on pictures of him and me about what a great couple we are, look so good together, etc. So that the ex would see it. So that made me feel better in the meantime

[stace79]

Just an FYI... you come across as controlling. It's not Ok when guys do it... and it's definitely not Ok when girls do it.

 

At some point your going to have to develop trust. First your going to need to end your insecurity issues.

 

 

 

Those are both great ideas! Work out your issues where he doesn't have to get drawn into it.

 

It was his idea that he would do "whatever made me most comfortable" in dealing with his ex, if she decided to continue trying to contact him after he told her bluntly that he wanted to cease all communication with her.

 

It honestly is not a lack of trust. He and I discussed ad nauseum all possible scenarios when we got back together this year. Even if she showed up on his doorstep I know that he would not invite her in his house alone, and I know that he would not cheat on me, with her or with anyone else.

 

It purely is that, because of what happened with her previously, I just hate her. I would prefer if she dropped off the face of the earth. So needless to say any mention of her illicits a really bad anxiety response. I had hoped that since he decided he wanted ME, and he told her that in no uncertain terms when he ended their friendship, she would move on. But she hasn't.

 

Anyway I am glad i have this forum to let out my frustration.

[openbook08]

Ill tell ya how you get over it - 'mind your own business'

shes not contacting you or your fiance - your business!

thats all you have to be concerned with!

everytime she pops into your head say to yourself "not my business"

you cant spend your time worrying about what she may or may not be thinking, about what her motives may or may not be....NOT your business!

enjoy your engagement & all the fun that comes with it!!!

btw untouchable_fire, I love the 'smart drama' vs 'stupid drama', classic!

[stace79]

Ill tell ya how you get over it - 'mind your own business'

shes not contacting you or your fiance - your business!

thats all you have to be concerned with!

everytime she pops into your head say to yourself "not my business"

you cant spend your time worrying about what she may or may not be thinking, about what her motives may or may not be....NOT your business!

enjoy your engagement & all the fun that comes with it!!!

btw untouchable_fire, I love the 'smart drama' vs 'stupid drama', classic!

 

I disagree, but thanks for sharing. I think my future sister-in-law IS my business. I also find it disrespectful for an ex who knows she caused so much trouble to try to befriend future in-laws.

 

I would never do that... exes are exes for a reason, first off. Second, if a guy wrote to me what my fiance wrote to her, I wouldn't want anything to do with him, his family or anything else.

[openbook08]

stace79, i completely agree with you on the ex making contact. my ex started seeing someone new but declined to tell me (and was being quite flirty & suggestive to the point where i thought we might be headin for a reconciliation) until a friend of mine found out about his new girlf & told me. at that point i changed my no, blocked his email, deleted FB and have NC going on 9months now, so dont get me wrong there!!!

 

now as for the 'mind your own business' i dont mean it in a 'mind your own business you nosy cow way'. Ive seen a counsellor over my breakup & this is what he suggested to me (i guess im not explaining it so well!!) but you know when you say about her "if it was me i would" etc etc BUT shes not you (thank God) and she never will be so why upset yourself by making her your business???? who knows why she continues to reach out even after what your fiancee told her (hell ive no clue either!!) but youre troubling yourself wondering ya know??

 

could it be possible that your sis in law is fond of this lady?? my exes mom has tried to keep in touch with me & im a mad about her so its hard to say 'look your son is with someone new now, out of repsect to her its prob best you dont think about me anymore' because we were together 5yrs & he was an only child she always said i was the baby girl she never had, we were v v close..... so yes i keep in touch with her but we both make a point of never discussing my ex, the new girl or anything even connected.

 

i apologise if you felt i dismissed your problem. i am most definitely on your side just want you to see it from another angle x

[stace79]

I understand -- thanks for clarifying. I think my fiance's sister is neutral about the ex. I know she did not like the way his ex treated him when they were together. She is just a very nice person -- I don't think she would refuse a friend invite from Satan himself for fear of hurting someone's feelings.

 

I wish just saying "I won" and "I got the guy" were enough. I know vindictiveness is a character flaw of mine that I need to work on.

 

stace79, i completely agree with you on the ex making contact. my ex started seeing someone new but declined to tell me (and was being quite flirty & suggestive to the point where i thought we might be headin for a reconciliation) until a friend of mine found out about his new girlf & told me. at that point i changed my no, blocked his email, deleted FB and have NC going on 9months now, so dont get me wrong there!!!

 

now as for the 'mind your own business' i dont mean it in a 'mind your own business you nosy cow way'. Ive seen a counsellor over my breakup & this is what he suggested to me (i guess im not explaining it so well!!) but you know when you say about her "if it was me i would" etc etc BUT shes not you (thank God) and she never will be so why upset yourself by making her your business???? who knows why she continues to reach out even after what your fiancee told her (hell ive no clue either!!) but youre troubling yourself wondering ya know??

 

could it be possible that your sis in law is fond of this lady?? my exes mom has tried to keep in touch with me & im a mad about her so its hard to say 'look your son is with someone new now, out of repsect to her its prob best you dont think about me anymore' because we were together 5yrs & he was an only child she always said i was the baby girl she never had, we were v v close..... so yes i keep in touch with her but we both make a point of never discussing my ex, the new girl or anything even connected.

 

i apologise if you felt i dismissed your problem. i am most definitely on your side just want you to see it from another angle x

[Lucky_One]

Personally, I'd talk to your future SIL about this. If this is bothering you to an extent that you are "debating" with your BF about it, then it still has an awful lot of power to mess up your R. Simply ask her if the friendship is really that important to her, as it is causing some distress for her brother and you as you both feel that XGF is using FB as a way to keep tabs in her brother's life; if she says she really doesn't care about the girl, ask her if she would unfriend her.

[4givrnt4gtr]

hmm id say becareful about picking a fight with him because she became friends with his sister.

 

I dated this one guy a while back and his mom was amazing to me. She even helped me with my resume and helped me get a job. She was awesome. The guy was ok, very imature but for a while we were friends and talked until i decided i didnt really care much for his friendship. Later he showed up on facebook so I added him and he denied me. I didnt think much of it and didnt add him again. A few weeks later his mom joined facebook and I added her. She sent me a message, said was happy to hear from me and asked me about how I was doing. I responded to that, told her i was glad to see her and whatever.

A day later she messaged me, told me she was very sorry but that her son's new girlfriend flipped when she found out we were fb friends and she couldnt talk to me anymore.

 

Now...I personally was outraged.....I mean I had no interest in the guy at all and thought the girl's insecurity was ridiculous.

 

BUT

 

If i HAD interest in the guy (and was a jerk) and knew the girl was that insecured it just tells me that the relationships is not as solid as it should be, and that I could easily move in and cause trouble.

 

You're giving the wrong impression here. Its never ever about the ex, its always about how your relationship with your man is. If u were sure of his love for u, she shouldnt be a problem in any way, whether she befriends the sister or the mother or the dog.

[stace79]

You're wrong -- I have no doubt that my fiance would never cheat on me, with her or anyone else. And it's not just ANY ex -- if you go back through old posts of mine you will see this was a pretty drawn out and traumatic situation between the three of us. I will accept my part in that I should have broken up with him over it long ago -- but I did not and we have ended up together and I love him very much.

 

It really is pretty deep for me and is about the fact that I want to remove her from my bf's life in the present. He has a few photos of her, and a wall art piece she gave him as a gift, and I don't like it but I have no issue with it. It's that going forward our life should be about us, not her. I view her friending my future SIL as trying to force her way in. She can't stand that she has lost and will not give up. I have no doubts she's tried to text him, but we won't know b/c he changed his number.

 

Frankly, even if it hurts you, you have no right to be outraged. You aren't the priority in your ex's life anymore -- the new gf is. This is pretty much why exes should not stay friends. If she doesn't like him talking to you, or you being all buddy/buddy with his mom, AND assuming he sees a long-term future with her, why should he care if it upsets you?

 

This is precisely what my fiance says now -- it might hurt her feelings, but he wants to spend his life with me, so her feelings are no longer that important. He wouldn't purposely treat her cruelly, but he's no longer bound by trying to make everyone happy. Just me, and vice versa.

 

hmm id say becareful about picking a fight with him because she became friends with his sister.

 

I dated this one guy a while back and his mom was amazing to me. She even helped me with my resume and helped me get a job. She was awesome. The guy was ok, very imature but for a while we were friends and talked until i decided i didnt really care much for his friendship. Later he showed up on facebook so I added him and he denied me. I didnt think much of it and didnt add him again. A few weeks later his mom joined facebook and I added her. She sent me a message, said was happy to hear from me and asked me about how I was doing. I responded to that, told her i was glad to see her and whatever.

A day later she messaged me, told me she was very sorry but that her son's new girlfriend flipped when she found out we were fb friends and she couldnt talk to me anymore.

 

Now...I personally was outraged.....I mean I had no interest in the guy at all and thought the girl's insecurity was ridiculous.

 

BUT

 

If i HAD interest in the guy (and was a jerk) and knew the girl was that insecured it just tells me that the relationships is not as solid as it should be, and that I could easily move in and cause trouble.

 

You're giving the wrong impression here. Its never ever about the ex, its always about how your relationship with your man is. If u were sure of his love for u, she shouldnt be a problem in any way, whether she befriends the sister or the mother or the dog.

[MichiganMan222]

My ex did the SAAAAME exact thing and boy does it piss off my gf. She befriended my sister even and many of my friends that I introduced to her during our relationship. But she doesn't do anything malicious...no cheap-shots or anything like that. Just going on with her life, but we have to see some of it. My gf wants me to tell her or my friends/sister to break the friendship, but I explained it really not my place. It seems over the top to me and I refuse. But since we can see her, she can see us, so I told her, be happy that she can get a glimpse of how happy we are. If she's still hung up on me (which I don't think quite honestly) then she would be going crazy reading the stuff that crosses over into her screen.

 

Don't fight it, just enjoy what SHE sees. Don't do it to just to throw it in her face; then its obvious and seems catty like its getting to you. Just express your and your bfs great life together and let that do the 'paying back'.

[stace79]

My ex did the SAAAAME exact thing and boy does it piss off my gf. She befriended my sister even and many of my friends that I introduced to her during our relationship. But she doesn't do anything malicious...no cheap-shots or anything like that. Just going on with her life, but we have to see some of it. My gf wants me to tell her or my friends/sister to break the friendship, but I explained it really not my place. It seems over the top to me and I refuse. But since we can see her, she can see us, so I told her, be happy that she can get a glimpse of how happy we are. If she's still hung up on me (which I don't think quite honestly) then she would be going crazy reading the stuff that crosses over into her screen.

 

Don't fight it, just enjoy what SHE sees. Don't do it to just to throw it in her face; then its obvious and seems catty like its getting to you. Just express your and your bfs great life together and let that do the 'paying back'.

 

I think you make a good point. Our profiles are both private, so I know she can't see any of what we write/post. Maybe we should allow her to see a little more. lol

 

It also makes me feel better that I'm not the only girl who gets irritated by this. Again, it's just this particular ex that bothers me so much. My fiance is FB friends with other exes, but it's like a quick 'holy crap how are you, it's been forever" and then they go their separate ways again. Also none of them deliberately tried to break up my relationship with him.

 

Thanks -- you have a lot of good advice on here! I have agreed with a lot of what you've said on others' posts too.