I never thought this would happen

[jasminetea]

A situation has occured in my family which has upset me more than I would have thought possible, I really need some help dealing with it.

 

So, the situation is my mother has given my brother a table that she has promised to me for the last 30 odd years.

 

The background is - I'm the youngest of five. My brother is the oldest and the only male. I have always been considered relatively unimportant by my siblings and my feelings have never really been taken into account. My brother is definitely my mother's favourite and that's actually been fine with all of us. We've all adored him and he's actually a really good person.

 

My brother has recently bought a new flat having split with his wife. He needs to furnish it and I suspect that my mother gave him the table as she considered his need to be more important than keeping her promise to me. I don't care about the bloody table, but the breaking of that promise really upset me. She told me on the phone what she'd done, I wasn't out of order with her, but I let her know I was very disappointed and upset she'd done that.

 

Now I know I need to put it to rest as my father isn't well and I need to keep a good relationship with my mother as well as him in order to be in a position to see my father and support him as best I can. So I'm working through the feelings etc. when I get a facebook wall message from one of my sisters telling me how upset Ma is that she 'forgot' she'd promised me the table. This has just made things much, much worse. 1) I do not appreciate my private conversations being repeated to all and sundry even one of my sisters, 2) I do not appreciate my family issues being displayed for all and sundry to read on facebook, and 3) my mother did not 'forget' as when she told me what she'd done, she said "I hope you don't mind, but I gave your table to ***".

 

Oh and by the way, my mother has made no effort to say sorry - no letter saying sorry, no card, nothing. Her way is very much 'oh just get on with it' and I suspect that's how she's dealing with it now, expecting me to come to her rather than the other way round and I wouldn't mind betting she'll be expecting ME to do the grovelling before she'll allow me to come and see them.

 

I am ever so upset about this and could really do with some advice.

[Taramere]

I am ever so upset about this and could really do with some advice.

 

As you say, it's the broken promise that's really getting to you here. Is there a history of promises to you being broken, JT? What is it, do you think, that makes this hurt so much?

[quankanne]

ah, big families. Gotta love 'em!

 

like you, I'm the tail end (of the Mexican Brady Bunch, just call me Cindy, lol), and the crap has flown over the years. Much worse now with the backstabbing since Dad died and people are grabbing at whatever they can get their mitts on.

 

my guess is that your mom felt bad for your brother and rationalized that he needed the table more than you do, and that because you love your brother, you understand this. At least this is how my mother was, counting on our generosity and support whenever one of us kids were in need ... I don't believe she was dissing you or singling you out, just simply trying to help your brother.

 

no, it's not fair, but sometimes you've got to let stuff like that slide, rather than hang on to the anger. Otherwise, stupid crap gets started and grows to a point where there's ... infighting.

 

look past your disappointment and go with the generosity option. Take the high road and tell her that you were disappointed but you understand why Bro needed the table more. If you really and truly want that piece of furniture, talk to the both of them and let them know you'd like first refusal if he decides to replace it.

 

believe me, it's saved a lot of headache between my oldest sister and me when divvying up Dad's estate ... and she's been generous to a fault, even though she was the one who handled the business end of caring for him.

 

as for the family getting in on the gossip, explain to Mom that you need time to work through this disappointment and would appreciate things being limited to just you and her on the matter, that you don't want to get everyone riled up over an issue that will settle itself.

 

hang in there, JT – your reward will come in due time, especially when you chose the high road in these kinds of situations.

[jasminetea]

Quankanne, as I said -

I suspect that my mother gave him the table as she considered his need to be more important than keeping her promise to me. I don't care about the bloody table, but the breaking of that promise really upset me.

 

Taramere - its happened before. She hasn't really ever been there for me. Bloody hell, that hurts.

[Taramere]

Quankanne, as I said -

 

Taramere - its happened before. She hasn't really ever been there for me. Bloody hell, that hurts.

 

How good is she at having "talks"? If she's anything like my mother, she's an expert at avoiding anything that looks like upsetting or challenging the status quo. If this isn't just about the table but is, in fact, about you feeling that you've always been low on her list of priorities, then that's got to be a particularly difficult talk to have. Not to mention that she might well react by just saying something like "don't be silly, of course that isn't true."

 

This bit:

 

I wouldn't mind betting she'll be expecting ME to do the grovelling before she'll allow me to come and see them.

 

 

Does that mean that it's already graduated to a full blown fall-out, as a result of which you don't feel able to visit?

[jasminetea]

Yep, not good at having 'talks' at all and yes she's an expert at avoiding anything that challenges her.

 

No, it hasn't graduated to a full blown fall-out. I've amazed myself at my level of control and the fact I've not been angry (that book!). I suppose I feel she'll expect me to do the grovelling because of the way she's behaved in the past - never really apologising and expecting [allowing?] others to do the work to make up. I don't want to have to do that before I visit as I believe she was the one who was in the wrong and I have done absolutely nothing to apologise for.

 

Thanks for talking to me about this.

[Taramere]

Yep, not good at having 'talks' at all and yes she's an expert at avoiding anything that challenges her.

 

No, it hasn't graduated to a full blown fall-out. I've amazed myself at my level of control and the fact I've not been angry (that book!). I suppose I feel she'll expect me to do the grovelling because of the way she's behaved in the past - never really apologising and expecting [allowing?] others to do the work to make up. I don't want to have to do that before I visit as I believe she was the one who was in the wrong and I have done absolutely nothing to apologise for.

 

Thanks for talking to me about this.

 

Not at all. Glad that book is still helping, by the way. I found my copy lurking in a box, and I thought of you!

 

You haven't done anything you need to apologise for - which you've indicated that logically you already know. Yet it seems as though something within you is still saying that you should apologise. Is that about there being an atmosphere (ie because she knows she broke a promise) that won't be cleared until you go out of your way to indicate that everything's okay? And if so, does doing that feel like an apology...or is it more like you taking responsibility for resolving a situation that was actually of someone else's making?

[jasminetea]

Bloody hell, you're good. Are you a very expensive counsellor/therapist?

 

I think its a bit of both. I feel it has to be me that puts things right as she patently isn't going to, but rather seems to be acting as though nothing is wrong. At the same time, I feel I'm wrong to be hurt about it and so need to apologise for being upset. However, having said that, I'm beginning to give my feelings a lot more credibility lately and as a result feel much less guilty for being anything other than sweetness and light. Also, I think that my mother is of the school of thought that a parent should never apologise to their child as it will weaken their position and this means that any impression she gives of being dismissive of my hurt isn't necessarily what she's actually feeling. I think she probably actually feels very guilty but doesn't know how to express it or put things right.

 

Ok, that was a stream of consciousness but I feel a lot clearer about it. Does it sound reasonable? (If you can bear to wade though it, that is!)

 

What do you feel is the best way to deal with my mother? And why do you think she does the whole avoidance thing?

[TaraMaiden]

I was wondering what the benefits would be of you also having a word with your brother....?

 

Not necessarily about the table, but about how you feel with regard to your mum's treatment of you and your feelings?

[jasminetea]

I was wondering what the benefits would be of you also having a word with your brother....?

 

Not necessarily about the table, but about how you feel with regard to your mum's treatment of you and your feelings?

 

I can't think of any benefit in involving anyone else. Infact, I can think of several downsides of involving my brother, not least my mother feeling I was going behind her back and that I was trying to turn her favourite child against her. It would also be grossly unfair on my brother to put him in that position.

[Taramere]

Bloody hell, you're good. Are you a very expensive counsellor/therapist?

 

I'm accredited by the Royal Institute of Taramere as a Jack of all Trades. First hour is a freebie, after that it's £150 plus VAT.

 

I think its a bit of both. I feel it has to be me that puts things right as she patently isn't going to, but rather seems to be acting as though nothing is wrong.

 

I wonder how she'd respond if you asked her in a fairly neutral tone how she was feeling about having broken her promise to you and given the table to your brother - and whether she'd had any ideas about how she wanted to resolve that. If she reacts in an angry, hostile or dismissive way to that, you can point out that generally a person who breaks a promise will try to make up for it in some way.

 

The point of that being that it demonstrates recognition of the fact that promises, regardless of what they're about, matter. That the people you make promises to matter. So if you make a promise to another person and you break it (to err and break promises is human etc), one way of apologising....of acknowledging that the promise mattered, and that the person you made it to deserved better than to have it broken, involves offering some kind of compensatory gesture.

 

That way, you're raising an issue that's bothering you - but you're also giving your mother the opportunity to resolve it. If she doesn't accept that, then it's on her. It's a sign that even when she's offered a calm, safe environment in which to resolve conflict - and the tools for doing so - she can't do it. It doesn't make her a bad person, nor does it mean she doesn't love you. It just means exactly what it says on the tin. She can't handle conflict, even when others do everything they can to make it easy for her to handle it. There's a limit to what you can achieve with people who are stuck in that position, and you needn't beat yourself up for not being able to change their behaviour.

 

I'm wrong to be hurt about it and so need to apologise for being upset. However, having said that, I'm beginning to give my feelings a lot more credibility lately and as a result feel much less guilty for being anything other than sweetness and light.

 

Good. Nobody should ever have to apologise for their feelings. The way in which they express those feelings maybe, but not the feelings themselves.

 

Also, I think that my mother is of the school of thought that a parent should never apologise to their child as it will weaken their position

 

It follows from that that if, as I suggested, you give her an opportunity to make things up to you, she'll probably respond with some level of outrage. How dare you tell her how to deal with her own daughter etc etc. But that daughter is you, and you're no longer a child.

 

and this means that any impression she gives of being dismissive of my hurt isn't necessarily what she's actually feeling. I think she probably actually feels very guilty but doesn't know how to express it or put things right.

 

So that part of her might welcome you offering her a chance to put things right. You know her best, and you know what approach she's most likely to respond to/least likely to be threatened by. I can see why you would feel annoyed about taking responsibility to resolve something that was not of your making. The other way of looking at it is that assuming responsibility for resolving something doesn't automatically equate with being blameworthy for it happening in the first place. If you take these responsibilities on, they give you an opportunity to gain some valuable wisdom and learning.

 

Ok, that was a stream of consciousness but I feel a lot clearer about it. Does it sound reasonable? (If you can bear to wade though it, that is!)

 

I didn't mind at all. I find conflict interesting, and I like dealing with people who are serious about resolving their conflicts. I responded to it paragraph by paragraph, rather than reading the whole thing through and then responding once I had all the info. But I've left what I wrote. It might be interesting for you to see that anything I've said, you've pretty much said yourself in the next paragraph - so the answers are in you already.

 

For instance, the aspect of your mother possibly not knowing how to go about resolving things and therefore avoiding it altogether. How you could go about making it easier for her to do this. Not because you have the responsibility and she doesn't, but because you have the skills to resolve this, as well as the desire to do so. She, perhaps only has the desire to get along better with you....without much of a clue as to how she could go about that. Hence the avoidance.

[jasminetea]

Brilliant!

 

I don't feel bad at all about taking responsibility for attempting to come to a resolution and you've given me a perfect solution and the understanding I'll need for whatever her reaction is to it. Thank you so much.

 

I can only think of one stumbling block and that's if she asks me (in her plaintive tone) what I want from her, when I ask her if she's had any thoughts about how to make it up to me. I'd like to ask her for a proper apology and understanding why I'm hurt but I'm afraid that if I suggest anything she'll dismiss it or say she's already done it. Would it be too harsh for me to tell her its up to her to decide what would be appropriate?

 

Am I still sneaking in under the hour? If not, do you take Visa?

 

[Taramere]

Brilliant!

 

I don't feel bad at all about taking responsibility for attempting to come to a resolution and you've given me a perfect solution and the understanding I'll need for whatever her reaction is to it. Thank you so much.

 

I can only think of one stumbling block and that's if she asks me (in her plaintive tone) what I want from her, when I ask her if she's had any thoughts about how to make it up to me. I'd like to ask her for a proper apology and understanding why I'm hurt but I'm afraid that if I suggest anything she'll dismiss it or say she's already done it. Would it be too harsh for me to tell her its up to her to decide what would be appropriate?

 

Am I still sneaking in under the hour? If not, do you take Visa?

 

 

Ah, I see your cunning ploy. You've had your counselling advice, and now you want a bit of freebie legal advice. Okay. Is there not some nice bit of crockery or piece of jewellery you've had your eye on? How much was the table worth - both in real terms and sentimental terms? There's nothing like a bit of good old quantification of loss to help you figure out a suitable remedy. I'm having to stop typing for a second in order to rub my hands.

 

Or yes....sometimes a considered and thoughtful apology really is all it takes. Some kind of acknowledgement that a promise was made and broken, and that you deserved better than that.

[jasminetea]

Ah, I see your cunning ploy. You've had your counselling advice, and now you want a bit of freebie legal advice. Okay. Is there not some nice bit of crockery or piece of jewellery you've had your eye on? How much was the table worth - both in real terms and sentimental terms? There's nothing like a bit of good old quantification of loss to help you figure out a suitable remedy. I'm having to stop typing for a second in order to rub my hands.

LMAO! I'll make sure to have a good root around at the parents next time I'm there

 

 

Or yes....sometimes a considered and thoughtful apology really is all it takes. Some kind of acknowledgement that a promise was made and broken, and that you deserved better than that.

I needed to see that it was ok to ask for that. Thank you

 

What a great result from asking for help! *posts cheque*

[Taramere]

LMAO! I'll make sure to have a good root around at the parents next time I'm there

 

 

I needed to see that it was ok to ask for that. Thank you

 

What a great result from asking for help! *posts cheque*

 

You had the answers already. I think sometimes it just helps to bounce it all off other people who aren't directly involved.

 

I'll still take the cheque though.

[TaraMaiden]

I take it I get nothing event though I brought the tea and biscuits in.....?

[jasminetea]

I'll still take the cheque though.

 

 

 

 

I take it I get nothing event though I brought the tea and biscuits in.....?

 

Biscuits? There were biscuits?

 

Ok, you get a pat on the bum

[Taramere]

I take it I get nothing event though I brought the tea and biscuits in.....?

 

You'll get your usual commission for helping to prolong the meeting into chargeable time.

[jasminetea]

Hang on a minute!

 

Taramaiden / Taramere

 

 

:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

 

 

 

 

[Taramere]

Hang on a minute!

 

Taramaiden / Taramere

 

I was Tara M first. She's copying me! Call the copyright authorities, or the patents office or whoever deals with this kind of thing!

 

Mine's a shortened version of Tarda Meretricis, so although our names are similar, the meanings are quite different.

[jasminetea]

I was Tara M first. She's copying me! Call the copyright authorities, or the patents office or whoever deals with this kind of thing!

 

Mine's a shortened version of Tarda Meretricis, so although our names are similar, the meanings are quite different.

Oh, that makes perfect sense

 

 

[TaraMaiden]

She only employed me because she thought our names were similar enough to fool the gullible, and convince those running up huge bills that they had double the problems if they foreclosed on any agreement.

 

And I make bloody good tea, an' all.....

[aznprincess]

Hi there! I think that you are being sensitive about the issue. I know and understand what you are talking about but if this happened to me, i would be upset but move on the next day I would tell my mom that I really felt bad but not to the extent that it would cause family issues. Take it as your mother seeing you as someone who is really mature and that you would take it like an adult and understand that it is needed by your brother more than anyone right now. Think of it as, it is yours to start with, but you have given it to your brother because you believe that he needs it more than you. Sharing is caring =)

[Island Girl]

What book are you and Taramere talking about in the first few posts?

[jasminetea]

Hi there! I think that you are being sensitive about the issue. I know and understand what you are talking about but if this happened to me, i would be upset but move on the next day I would tell my mom that I really felt bad but not to the extent that it would cause family issues. Take it as your mother seeing you as someone who is really mature and that you would take it like an adult and understand that it is needed by your brother more than anyone right now. Think of it as, it is yours to start with, but you have given it to your brother because you believe that he needs it more than you. Sharing is caring =)

Thanks for your input. As I previously stated, its the broken promise that bothers me, not the table. I have this situation under control now.

 

What book are you and Taramere talking about in the first few posts?

The Dance of Anger