. I'm in last chance saloon. (Will prob be long!)

[Mr. Lucky]

I hope it goes well for you. But "working on her stuff" isn't something that happens in a vaccum and can't be done without you. Her approach of "you wait in the corner while I wait to see how I feel" slights you and is counter-productive to improving your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Subway]

As I expected im feeling more positive this morning. More little signs of progress. She called me sweetheart last night and darling this morning and held my hand in bed last night. Still difficult but slow steady progress.

[NoIDidn't]

You say that she doesn't have time for an affair, and I say you'd be surprised how little time one needs to keep an affair going.

 

My H emphatically denied there being someone else as well. I figured he didn't have time too since he was always home when he was not at work. But it was with someone at work.

 

She may be involved or considering getting involved with someone at school.

 

Please don't close your eyes to this possibility just because she said there was no chance. This is what they tell us because they don't want us to know.

 

I hate to see you so genuinely working on making things better, when I feel that she is lying to you.

[Subway]

Thank you. Its not that im completely closed to the idea. Its just that I have no real evidence only behavioural signs that it is a possibility. If she is she is hiding it extremely well but at this point I continue to believe she is being honest with me. Its quite hard but I if I cant trust that shes being honest and allow myself to be open to the potential me getting yes hurt them whats the point in staying with her. Trust is in my mind one me the essentials in any relationship. If I ever get to the point where there is no trust at all I would call it a day in a heartbeat. I may be wrong but I really dont think I am. I am vigilant though because im feeling vulnerable. All I can et is trust that time will tell and that the truth will always out in the end.

[Subway]

Another **** morning. We talked again last night. She said she wants to get back to normal but even holding my game or kissing me feels wierd and that where feeling makes her sad. She then got very upset and said again that she doesnt know if she can get rid of that wierd feeling. I told her again that I truely believe we can get through this but if she doesnt then im wasting my time energy and emotions. My natural instinct is flight but right now I am fighting with every ounce of strength I have but every day is so hard. She has a counselling session tomorrow morning so now I just have to wait again. This is getting unbearable.

[Subway]

Another thing she said was that she wanted to try and jump back in the saddle as far as sex is concerned but if she gets that numb feeling again afterwards then there is no point in carrying on. I told her that is putting an awful lot of pressure on us both and that right now I dont want sex with her. Im fully concentrated on getting the closeness back first. I find it hard to accept that she is basing our entire future on how she feels after the next time we have sex. Wont exactly make it a pleasent relaxed experience. I said maybe we should agree to a period me no sex to try and rebuild the closeness first. She said she doesnt like the idea because its just prolonging things. I think she is putting too much pressure on herself to get things sorted one way or another asap.

[NoIDidn't]

I said maybe we should agree to a period me no sex to try and rebuild the closeness first. She said she doesnt like the idea because its just prolonging things. I think she is putting too much pressure on herself to get things sorted one way or another asap.

 

I think the bolded sentence is telling. Prolonging what? Your marriage?

 

Sounds like she has one foot in and one foot out and is basically just trying to get you to see it too. And the sooner the better in her mind.

 

Be careful.

[Mr. Lucky]

I said maybe we should agree to a period me no sex to try and rebuild the closeness first. She said she doesnt like the idea because its just prolonging things. I think she is putting too much pressure on herself to get things sorted one way or another asap.

At some point, you'll have to be true to yourself and do what feels right to you in this relationship. All this tiptoeing around her indecision isn't making you more attractive to her and, the evidence suggests, isn't doing anything to help her make up her mind.

 

Why not start acting like her husband and see if she wants to start acting like your wife?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Subway]

Things are coming to a head. I told her tonight that I was committed to making our marriage work but she needs to make a decision on whether she is completely committed too. Until she makes that decision we are just standing still and its not fair on anyone to keep delaying making that decision. She has a counselling session tomorrow morning so right now im expecting to be separated in twenty four hours or less. I hope to god it goes the other way but my gut is telling me different right now.

[Subway]

Well thats that then. She told me a couple of hours ago she wanted to seperate, which came as no surprise. So much going through my head now, anger, despair, fear, relief, excitement, insecurity, a bit more fear, then a bit more anger etc etc etc.

 

I'm sure I'll get it all down on here over the next few days but right now I have absolutely no idea what the next 5 mins brings, never mind the next day.

 

 

EDIT: Just to add that I feel that this site is one of my refuges. My sisters and best mate being the opthers. So thank you, from the core of my soul.

[giotto]

well, it was to be expected... time for a 180°... that's if you want her back... but I suspect a big A...

[Subway]

A 180 is where i show her no emotion and get on with my life right? Or at least let her think I am. If I find out she ends up very quickly in another relationship I will be livid after the number of opportunities Ive given her to tell me.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sorry it's turned out this way. Have you followed this thread?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t202042/

 

He's been on a similar (unfortunate) path and is now in the early stages of finding out that there is someone else involved. I'm afraid it's human nature - you don't let go of one side of the pool unless there's something to swim to on the other side.

 

Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[giotto]

yep, keep posting... let us know... you will be livid, but that's life... sorry! I wish you all the best.

[Subway]

Yesterday was obviously a hard, hard day. Today I'm taking each emotion as it comes, and doing whatever feels right in the moment. I got alot of anger out last night by telling my wife some 'home truths' if you like. I told myself I would get it out once, and then let go of that anger. I am not going to end up bitter about this, for my sake, and for my sons sake.

 

So far today, although still deeply hurt, I'm feeling quite constructive in my thoughts. There is no point torturing myself over what may or may not happen or be happening. As it stands, for whatever reason (and I happen to believe her reasoning, hard though it is to do), she doesnt want to be in a relationship with me and theres nothing I can do to change that so I may as well let it go and get on with my life as best I can. Work on myself and my issues that go back years, which i have already started doing, and be someone who feels that they are deserving of love and happiness again.

[giotto]

Yesterday was obviously a hard, hard day. Today I'm taking each emotion as it comes, and doing whatever feels right in the moment. I got alot of anger out last night by telling my wife some 'home truths' if you like. I told myself I would get it out once, and then let go of that anger. I am not going to end up bitter about this, for my sake, and for my sons sake.

 

So far today, although still deeply hurt, I'm feeling quite constructive in my thoughts. There is no point torturing myself over what may or may not happen or be happening. As it stands, for whatever reason (and I happen to believe her reasoning, hard though it is to do), she doesnt want to be in a relationship with me and theres nothing I can do to change that so I may as well let it go and get on with my life as best I can. Work on myself and my issues that go back years, which i have already started doing, and be someone who feels that they are deserving of love and happiness again.

 

that's a good approach. Try not to get too down and work on yourself...

[Subway]

For god's sake. I'm all over the place. Most of today I have felt numb. Probably because I was thinking of the practicality side of things. Living arrangements and things.

 

But now it's late and I'm alone again. Just me and my thoughts and I hate myself for even thinking it, but I wish I was dead. Anything to make this pain go away. When she tells me she loves me, why does she then act like she hates me, or worse, completely indifferent to me? Every ounce of trust built up over 12 years. Shattered in an instant. And you want to keep me dangling just in case your new life doesnt work out?

 

You rip my insides out, throw them on the floor and do a jig on them, while professing to love me, just not in 'that' way. How dare you. Who the hell do you think you are? Would you want to be friends with someone who has completely shattered your entire life? You think you've got all the answers, thats its fine to trample on peoples lives for your own selfish ends. I despise what you have become, yet I still cling to you. What the hell is wrong with me? You know full well my self esteem isnt exactly sky high, and never has been, and you know the reasons why, and they are very good reasons I would say.

 

Lets see, in a nutshell, I was abused by a neighbour at age 8 or 9, can't remember much about it to be honest. My father comitted suicide when i was 14. I had a terrible 7 years with my first wife, who cheated on me then made it as difficult as possible to see my two sons for years after I kicked her out. Then came the real kicker, the younger of those 2 sons gets diagnosed with a terminal illness just after I met you, and dies, in my arms, aged 6, 18 months later, after watching him slowly deteriorate for all that time and not be able to do a damn thing about it. I had to give them permission to turn the machine off!!!! Do you have any concept of what that does to you inside?

 

So no, my self esteem is ****, so why have you been manipulating it? Why did you tell me you would never leave me? why did you tell me that I was stuck with you for life? Why did you convince me that you were the one that wouldnt pull away? That you were the one I wanted to end my days with? I gave my soul to you, and you have swallowed it up and spat it out into the bin.

 

You care about me?!?! You have some warped sense of caring. What you mean is you'll be 'nice' to me to ease your own guilt because you know. Deep down you know the damage you have caused, and I hope it eats you up inside. That one day your conscience will knock hard and it will all become clear. How you pushed away, and killed the soul of, the person that would have done absolutely anything for you. I would have killed and died for you.

 

You have no idea what love is. Love is an action, not a feeling. So now you're not 'in love' you withdraw the love. You have alot to learn about love and real commitment, not just empty words. I wonder, looking back at it if you ever truely loved me the way I loved you. I would have run through brick walls to make you happy. All you had to do was ask, but no, you shut me out instead because you never truely trusted me with your emotions like I did you. And thats why you will never know what you have done to me until someone does it to you. I hope karma comes and bites you hard on the arse, and the sooner the better.

 

I do deserve better than you. Someone who won't use my insecurites as a rope to hang myself with. But you have broken me. So my chances of being able to love and trust my feelings with anyone are pretty slim. Thanks for that, I hope it makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. But as long as you don't have to try or put any effort into it thats all that matters isnt it? Face it. The truth is you are doing too much. Full time work + full time course + mother + wife + time for yourself. And on that list of priorites. I'm bottom, there just isnt enough room for me. That shows me how much you care.

 

You talk about having to deal with my depression? How about dealing with the constant criticisms from you when our baby was born. I was either doing something wrong, or not doing something right. Maybe I should have pounced on your vulnerability then instead of hanging in there for nearly 2 years knowing, believing that things would get better. And after less than a quarter of that time, when I'm vulnerable, you stick the knife in, twist it slowly and then pour salt and vinegar in the open wound.

 

And hey, you are a sexy, attractive woman. you can click your fingers and have them queuing up. At least one of us won't have to miss and crave that intimacy. As long as you're ok. Thats all that really matters. Never mind the person that wants to have that intimacy with only you, that truely did forsake all others, for better for worse. And still is. I'm utterly gagging for it, yet I wouldnt want it with anyone but you. You on the other hand, probably have someone lined up for your first 'free' weekend while I am here looking after our son.

 

A word of advice. Don't ever tell anyone you love them again. You aint got the stamina for the marathon.

[giotto]

I'm sure you feel better after this...

 

So, what's happening in practice? Is she moving out now?

[Subway]

I'm still very angry this morning. Taken my wedding ring off. Hell it means absolutely nothing to her, why should it mean anything to me.

 

Time for me to be selfish. Seems to work for her.

[Subway]

The only way it will work re living arrangements is if we both live here, just at different times. While I'm here, she's not, and vice versa. On a rota kinda. At least that way there is minimum disruption for our little one who has just started preschool at the local school. This stays his home.

 

Thats short - medium term. Longer term realistically, I will have to find somewhere else.

 

And no, I dont really feel better, though it was good to get it out. I dont know if thaose are my 'real' feelings or not. I'm so mixed up. I dont know what to do. I dont want to let go, but I have to move on, and the only way I can move on is to hate her, but thats no good for our son. I want to give her back the wedding ring she gave to me and tell her to put it where it belongs. In the bin.

 

Oh and I also want to email her my above post....but keep telling myself I'm better than that.

[Subway]

I have a bit of a dilemma.

 

I read a line on here earlier and it is making me think differently.

 

Never make someone a priority who sees you as an option.

 

 

 

By me agreeing to her terms and moving out part time, I am giving her feelings priority. I am being slowly pushed out.

 

I'm now wondering if I should stay put, knowing I have options there if need be. Thinking of my priorities, without her in them, are me and my 2 sons. The best thing for me and my 2 sons is if I stay put right?

 

Should I start sleeping back in bed rather than the sofa? Should I tell her that a marital bed is for husband and wife and if she doesnt want that anymore then SHE should sleep on the sofa?

 

Or is that just the anger telling me to do all that?

 

AArrgghhhhhhh!!!!

[giotto]

Since she is the one who doesn't want to engage in marital life anymore and wants to separate, I think it's only fair that she sleeps on the sofa and eventually moves out... you didn't create all this... but, then, it's up to you...

[Subway]

Yeah thanks, going to take my time making the decision. Have counselling on Weds so can work through it there, and in the meantime I'll be looking for as much input as possible from as many different people as possible.

 

If she doesnt like that I'm not moving out quick enough. Her problem. Not mine. She made me wait in limbo for weeks, now she has no real option but to give me time in return. It's a big decision. Knowing I have options elsewhere will make it easier to think about it.

[giotto]

but why should be you the one moving out? Have you already told her this? If so, tell her that you changed your mind. Who owns the house?

[Subway]

Well the idea was that we would both move out.

 

While I'm here she is at her mum's. While she's here I'm at my mums. I even worked out a 'timetable' that is over a 2 week period which gives us pretty much 50%-50% time here as opposed to at our parents over the 2 weeks.

 

But, if I can not become a total git and live in the same house as her but still just get on with my life without her, surely that would be best for my sons?

 

I don't want there to be an atmosphere here that may affect our son. The older one is in his room most of the time anyway. I find it hard to be in the same room as her at the moment, but maybe if I can stick it, be civil but no more, it'll get easier.

 

Basically go as NC as I can while living in the same house.

 

I dont know....God I've said that alot over the last few months.

 

 

Oh, and the house is rented. Joint tenancy.

 

And the best thing is she will not be able to argue it. I am just doing exactly what shes been doing. Working out whats best for me, what I need to do to make me feel happy, without her in the equation. Its amazing how a few words can bring about a revalation. I feel quite liberated at the moment.