. I'm in last chance saloon. (Will prob be long!)

[giotto]

ok, sounds like a good arrangement... but one of you will have to move out eventually... or you will have to get separate houses... more expensive, I know...

 

when we briefly separated, I slept in my office, on a camp bed materass, on the floor...

 

do you intend to go NC when you start alternating looking after the kids? Would you want your wife back?

[seibert253]

Well the idea was that we would both move out.

 

While I'm here she is at her mum's. While she's here I'm at my mums. I even worked out a 'timetable' that is over a 2 week period which gives us pretty much 50%-50% time here as opposed to at our parents over the 2 weeks.

 

But, if I can not become a total git and live in the same house as her but still just get on with my life without her, surely that would be best for my sons?

 

I don't want there to be an atmosphere here that may affect our son. The older one is in his room most of the time anyway. I find it hard to be in the same room as her at the moment, but maybe if I can stick it, be civil but no more, it'll get easier.

 

Basically go as NC as I can while living in the same house.

 

I dont know....God I've said that alot over the last few months.

 

 

Oh, and the house is rented. Joint tenancy.

 

And the best thing is she will not be able to argue it. I am just doing exactly what shes been doing. Working out whats best for me, what I need to do to make me feel happy, without her in the equation. Its amazing how a few words can bring about a revalation. I feel quite liberated at the moment.

 

I'm sorry but I do not agree. You are not working out what's best for you, you are trying to appease her. If she is the one who wants out, "here honey, I'll help you pack"

 

Here's how I feel. I'm not trying to be an azz, I'm just going to give you smack of reality.

The time for compromise is over. You want to fix this, to stay married to her, it's obvious she does not. Fine, sux, but fine. Sub it's time to face reality. It's time to show her you're done, you're not putting up with her sh#t anymore. File, have her served, and get it done.

This will make it crystal clear in one of these ways:

1. She'll realize what she's throwing away and have the WTF am I doing moment. She'll truely reach to you.

2. She'll move farther away emotionally, then you'll finally realize she's done. It's time to move on.

 

Stop trying to appease her back into this marriage. Ain't gonna happen. She needs to see you done taking sh$t from her.

 

Let me ask you this, your kids are going through enough right now, aren't they. Why confuse them even further with this living here, living there half the time. Make a choice and stick with it. It will be easier for everyone to adjust.

 

I do wish you well, and wish your wife would have her WTFAID moment. But I'm sorry, I just don't see that happening.

[Subway]

Thanks. Yeah I'm kinda getting to the point where I start getting selfish. She's been doing it for long enough. This is what I intend to email her (its how we communicate at the moment other than hello / goodbye. It doesnt get bitchy that way)

 

I’m writing this simply because I don’t want to get into a conversation with you about our relationship, for obvious reasons.

If you are wondering where I am at with finding somewhere else to stay, I have a decision to make about all that and it’s a life changing ,big decision. Like you have been the last few weeks, I have to decide what is best for me, and Aaron and Dan, and not what’s best for you. So for the time being at least, I will be staying put here because I don’t want to make any rash decisions.

I don’t want there to be an atmosphere here, because I genuinely do not want Aaron, or either of us to get hurt further by us sniping at each other, as I know you don’t either. As much as I don’t want you to hurt or suffer, I don’t want to either and I have to work out the best way for me to be happy without you in my life, starting with this decision. I know I can be civil, perhaps even friendly to you, while getting on with my own life without you being a part of it. I don’t want to be frosty with you, which I know I am right now, at least when we are in the same space, because I am angry and hurt, so the alternative is to say angry things to you which I’m not going to do.

I also have to decide whether I should be sleeping on the sofa. You decided you didn’t want to be my wife anymore. I still want to be your husband, so although I’m totally undecided about this, it is a possibility that I will decide that I have every right to sleep in our marital bed.

I’m sorry if you don’t like any of this but like you said to me, doing what is best for yourself isn’t always the easiest thing to do. Right now I feel that moving out part time is the easy option for me, but not necessarily the right one for Aaron, Dan and me. This is what I have to work through and see what’s on the other side.

[Subway]

I'm sorry but I do not agree. You are not working out what's best for you, you are trying to appease her. If she is the one who wants out, "here honey, I'll help you pack"

 

Here's how I feel. I'm not trying to be an azz, I'm just going to give you smack of reality.

The time for compromise is over. You want to fix this, to stay married to her, it's obvious she does not. Fine, sux, but fine. Sub it's time to face reality. It's time to show her you're done, you're not putting up with her sh#t anymore. File, have her served, and get it done.

This will make it crystal clear in one of these ways:

1. She'll realize what she's throwing away and have the WTF am I doing moment. She'll truely reach to you.

2. She'll move farther away emotionally, then you'll finally realize she's done. It's time to move on.

 

Stop trying to appease her back into this marriage. Ain't gonna happen. She needs to see you done taking sh$t from her.

 

Let me ask you this, your kids are going through enough right now, aren't they. Why confuse them even further with this living here, living there half the time. Make a choice and stick with it. It will be easier for everyone to adjust.

 

I do wish you well, and wish your wife would have her WTFAID moment. But I'm sorry, I just don't see that happening.

 

 

Appeasing her would be going along with the part time living arrangement, which I am now not doing. At least not yet. I am not going to kick her out on the streets, because despite everything else, she is a good mother. If she wants to move out part time then thats her decision. But I'm staying put, for now.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Be a full time parent for your sons, and tell her if she wants a separation then she can be the one to break up the family and get out. You, on the other hand will provide full time stability for your sons in their own house and you will be the parent that your children needs.

 

It is clear her priorities are not what is best for her sons. It is what is best for her and whatever (or whomever) she is doing outside of the house. If that is what she wants, then she can pack her sh*t and get the f*ck out. Talk to the landlord and have her taken off the lease, and the locks changed. I can guarantee you she won't be out on the street. She has more ducks in a row behind your back than you may know. Women do not walk out of a marriage if their only option is homelessness and a drastic pay cut. They walk out when there is something waiting there for them to walk out to.

 

I have no tolerance for women like this. None. You sound like a good dad, and your sons need to see what a strong and stable man is like. One who is willing to prioritize correctly, and do what is right.

 

Is she really a good mother? Or is she only a good mother when it is convenient for her?

 

Don't model doormat behavior for your sons by agreeing to her bullsh*t housebreaking demands. Stay firm, make a home for your kids and show them that sometimes maintaining a healthy home means cutting out the cancers - even if those cancers happen to be a toxic spouse.

 

No tolerance. She struck out. Time for her to get out.

[Subway]

Thanks LB. I think you are right. I just need to make sure my perspective on this isnt out of whack. Stress does funny things to you as we all know. I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing, and I think I am, but I have to be sure.

 

I'm going take until at least wednesday (when I have next counselling session) to make my decision. In that time I can talk to lots of people, get more feedback on here, and just give myself some time. If thats inconvenient to her, tough.

 

And if you read what has gone on in my life in one of my above posts (and that isnt all of it!) then you will know that I am a strong person, even if I don't feel very strong at the moment because I'm still here. There have been so many times in my life when it would have been easy to give up completely and jump of a bridge, but I didn't, and I never will.

[LucreziaBorgia]

You are stronger even than you give yourself credit for. It will become apparent in the upcoming weeks.

[Subway]

It's quite amazing how 11 words can cause such a seismic shift in thinking.

 

Bring it on world!!

 

[Subway]

So the situation at the moment is it looks like we may try and live under the same roof, as parents and housemates, rather than husband and wife. I don't think either of us know whether it will work but its worth a try if we can be civil or even friendly to each other. we have been best friends for 12 years, surely theres something worth saving there, even if its not romantic attachment, if only for the sake of a harmonious household.

 

I'm not seeing this as a permenant solution though. I will, at some point want my own place with my son from first marriage, but I think if we can make this situation work for everyone concerned, then its not quite such an urgent requirement and could easily wait until after Xmas.

 

Of course if after 2-3 weeks it really isnt working, then it may be back to plan A.

 

The basic rules we have set:

 

- No 'new friends' to be in contact with sons, do not come to this house while we both live in it and do not have the landline number. And no flaunting either. Be discreet and try to be respectful of the others feelings. Basically no sex in this house (unless for old times sake lol) while we both live in it.

 

- We each have designated nights in so both of us have equal evenings where we can go out if we so choose

 

- The person whos night in it is, chooses what they want to do. EG If it's my night in and I want to watch TV, then she either watches what I watch or finds something else to do or goes out.

 

- Alternate weekends staying away to give each other 'space' - and yes I'm pretty sure why she brought this up (What about my free time to slag it up?!?!)

 

- Equal cleaning, financial and parental responsibility

 

- We can lead seperate lives and still show the other some consideration

 

As I say an awful lot these days....take it day by day and time will tell.

 

My sister is convinced that if I give her enough time, the truth will out. She, like many of you, and to a degree me too, is certain there is more to this than meets the eye. I still don't think she has had an affair, and I still dont think she wants to jump straight into another relationship, but I am 99% certain she wants to have casual relationships and tart it up as soon as possible. I would wet myself if he turned her down now that shes no longer a 'safe' married flirt partner.

 

My wedding ring is now off. Symbolic for me really. a part of my acceptance that it is dead. I plan to get a neck chain and wear it on that, because regardless of how its ended, it was a large part of my life for a long time.

 

We did have a blazing row earlier and she displayed some really quite odd behaviour, considering she says she doesnt want me and the romantic part of her love for me is dead. When I mentioned about seeing other people while we are still living together, and how did she feel about that, she got very defensive and said "So will you be having lovey dovey little chats on the phone in front of me?" in a really caustic tone. It shocked me, I mean you dont want me, but the thought that someone else will doesnt sit well with you does it? Is it because you can't control it?

 

She said tonight that she meant would I play games and try to make her jealous, to which I replied that she should know by now I dont play games, and how could I possibly make her jealous? You can only get jealous if you want something, and you don't want me, so why did you get so angry about it?

 

She later said that although she doesnt want to be romantically involved with me, she will still find it uncomfortable when she finds out I have met someone else. I really don't understand that. I can understand me not wanting her to jump in the sack with someone else, because I wanted to keep this marriage together. (and if truth be told, I would still love us to be able to patch it up, but don't now believe it can be. I have thrown in the towel. I tried), but if you don't have any romantic feelings for me, why would it bother you in the slightest? Mixed messages coming out still.

 

When my first wife and I split, I had no romantic feelings for her. I couldnt have given a monkeys uncle if she went and slept with someone else 10 minutes later.

 

Really confused about that. My sister thinks its because I've done the unexpected and gone from being very teary and emotional, to shutting down my emotions to an extent and getting pragmatic about it all. I must admit, this is normal behaviour for me in relationship breakdowns. I think I have been grieving this marriage for 3 weeks, even though it was only 'official' on Thursday. I'm not going to pretend I'm over it, because I know I'm not, but there comes a time after so much constant pain that the brain says no more. I'm not going to be a victim.

 

I did tell her tonight that if she asked me to 'try again' in a weeks time, the answer would be no, because I have more self respect than that, and am nobodies 2nd choice. I think that shocked her, bearing in mind a matter weeks ago she called me needy its easy to see why. I think she has misunderstood me for so long, its actually quite sad that had she been more open with me years ago, we may well not be here now. I gave myself to her 100%, heart, body and soul. She mistook that for dependancy. Her mistake.

 

What a bizarre life I have

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm sure that the idea of losing her security net before she is ready to let it go scares her somewhat. I would not read that as jealousy, rather her own sense of self preservation. She knows she has the perfect setup right now - she gets to gorge herself on cake and live exactly as she wants: as a single woman with someone who stays at home and pays the bills. A 'daddy' so to speak.

 

Do a search on 'divorce busting' and the '180'. It might do you some good.

[mem11363]

Well Done!!!

 

You are a MAN. You have pride and a spine. She is going to act weird / edgy for a while now because she IS going to feel insecure and that is going to make her angry at you. As long as no one else "has you" she thinks you are her safety net in life.

 

 

I'm sure that the idea of losing her security net before she is ready to let it go scares her somewhat. I would not read that as jealousy, rather her own sense of self preservation. She knows she has the perfect setup right now - she gets to gorge herself on cake and live exactly as she wants: as a single woman with someone who stays at home and pays the bills. A 'daddy' so to speak.

 

Do a search on 'divorce busting' and the '180'. It might do you some good.

[Subway]

I'm very angry this morning. She can't see further than her own selfish desires. I have been thorugh this before, I know what it is going to do to our little one. We told him as best we could this morning (how do you explain a break up to a 3 year old?!?) and I have started cutting her out of my life as much as I can.

 

Facebook relationship status changed (Yeah she didnt like that "I wanted to talk to my mum first, can you please think of the consequences of your actions"....HELLO???? Perhaps YOU should have thought of the consequences of your actions! Your feelings mean nothing, just as mine don't. I give what I get) , wedding ring off, all phone photos of her deleted (including the naughty ones....that was hard. Felt like putting them up on facebook but thuoght better of it lol)

 

12 years, and she is breaking this family up. I love her, i hate her, I despise what she has turned into. A self serving, self absorbed bitch.

 

 

Oh and apart from the Facebook thing, she is carrying on as normal. No wierd behaviour....yet.

[Subway]

OK so maybe the first piece of strange behaviour already.

 

I told her this morning that I was feeling angry and would just be staying out of her way today. She went shopping, came back to drop it off before going out. While she was back she started pushing me to talk to her. I kept telling her to just leave me be, but then she said "Do you really want to be friends?" which pushed my buttions. How insensitive can you get? I told her last night I wanted to, eventually, but it would take time, yet today she is questioning it.

 

I have just sent her a text

 

"I'm angry at the situation, not at you but when you push me and expect it all to just blow over when I've asked you to leave me be then I get angry at you. I do want to be as amicable as possible but you have to realise that there will be times when I'm feeling angry or upset. It isnt just going to blow over after a few days. I cant just turn my emotions off.

You did today what I did yesterday when I should have just let you be until you calmed down. Asking me if I really wanted to be friends felt like you were trying to provoke me. I told you it would take time last night yet today you question it. we are not going to be buddies overnight. I also wish you'd make your mind up. Last night you said you were happy the majority of the time, today is the opposite.

So please, if I ask you to just leave me be then try to have a little respect for that and not start pushing. I will do the same for you."

[JumpinJimmy]

There is a third party involved. Women just don't turn it off like that without somone waiting in the wings. Stick to the 180 and stop showing that she effects you. Good luck Subway, you can and will do better than her.

[seibert253]

There is a third party involved. Women just don't turn it off like that without somone waiting in the wings. Stick to the 180 and stop showing that she effects you. Good luck Subway, you can and will do better than her.

 

Yeah have to agree. I'm feeling an interloper lurking in the shadows.

 

As LB said, read up on the 180 and start RIGHT NOW. As a matter of fact, I would shut her off completely. Me, there would not be this "roomate" thing. You are either my wife and my child's mother, or you out the door.

But, you need to do what's best for your situation. I would cut her off completely. I wouldn't talk about anything but finances and you kid. Nothing else. I'm sorry, but I could be the "live in friend/roomate" of the woman who was throwing away my 12 year marriage. Nope, wouldn't happen.

[Subway]

2 parts to this post then. What happened tonight and then some thoughts on my next move.

 

Around 8pm I noticed that she had taken her wedding ring off. Last night she said that she would eventually take it off when she was comfortable with it. Less than 24 hrs later it's off. I felt physically sick. I went out and just said "Bye" and stayed out until about 10 mins ago (2:30am ish. I'm off work tomorrow). Around 1am I got a text from her "please let me know you are still alive and if you're staying out all night", which I ignored. 10 minutes later shes trying to call me. I let it ring out. 10 minutes later I sent her a text (didnt want her calling the police lol) just saying "will be back". I know she wants to know what I'm thinking, where I am and it's doing her nut that I won't engage with her, and it's only been a day. I'm going to get some advice tomorrow which will help me make my decision as to which of the below options is best....

 

1. Housemate thing, both living here same time

2. Housemate thing, living here alternately

3. And this is the one I'm leaning towards. As long as theres nothing I havent thought of, sort somewhere for my 18 year old to stay temporarily, myself too, get all my ducks lined up ready to go then give her the ultimatum "This goes one of 2 ways. We either try to work our marriage out, or me and Dan are gone and you can be the independant person, but you'll also be a single mother. I will come and spend plenty of time with my 3 year old but won't be able to have him overnight until I find somewhere permanent, and that may take some months". I can guarentee she will freak out if I do this, then probably call my bluff and say "Move out then".

4. Stay put and try to get her out.

 

1 is pretty much out I think. I can get on with my life doing that, but I can't move on.

2 seems to be what she wants. She gets it all. A part time mother, part time singleton, and only pays half the bills. So this is the definate no-no.

3 would shock her, would get started the long term ball rolling (ie with any option, the long term reality is we will be living in different houses, so why delay it?

4. Last resort for me. Mainly because I cant afford lawyers fees for the long battle that would ensue. Been there, done that, really don't want to have to go through it again if I can help it.

 

 

So 3 looks the best option to me as long as I get organised before laying it out to her. Will it be the reality shock she needs to get a grip? I suppose I hope it is, but don't think it is, but then if it isn't I've started moving on. I would then hit for divorce and want my 50% entitlement of everything we own. There is NO WAY I am going to leave this marriage with nothing.

 

One thing I wondered. Has she been trying to make it so unbearable for me that I leave her? Makes me the 'bad' one and she keeps everything and it's nice and easy for her to slip into her new life. Is that what she's been doing for months with this slow, steady escalation? It tears me up thinking that she might be capable of that, but I have to consider everything as possible. The affair thing is really playing on my mind. I'm quite certain there is someone, it just does not make any sense otherwise. I'm just not certain it has become physical. Everyone I have spoken to, including people who know her, say everything points to that. Like I said, I just don't want to believe she would do that, but it is a possibility. And why wouldn't she tell me? Because she knows she would be out the door without a leg to stand on.

 

Am I getting paranoid, or getting wise?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I would not leave the home without talking to a lawyer first, even if it is for temporary or part time living arrangements. There is no telling what she may be trying to manipulate you into - for all you know she may be trying to get you to leave on your own so that she can claim you abandoned her. Best to rely on a lawyers advice for now.

 

If she wants to leave, then I would tell her that she is free to go and since you aren't the one breaking up the marriage, you will stay in the home full time.

[JumpinJimmy]

Subway, I agree with LB and there is no doubt that she is manipulating you. Who knows what her objective is, but you have the ability to take control. With that said, make sure you do not move out of your domicile under any conditions until you talk to a lawyer. I do not know about the divorce/custody law in your area, but in MI, if you move out of the house while still being married, it is considered abandonment just like LB said. I would have already utilized #3 with an emphasis on the being gone part...you are one patient man.

[Subway]

Things got ridiculous this morning and we had a blazing row, which sdhe provoked, again. During which she said "The sooner you are out the better". Oh, and apparantly she has been 'putting up with my unreasonable behaviour for years'. So now shes resorted to making things up. Next she'll be saying I threatened her physically.

 

So there you go, looks like its going to get nasty and become a battle. Not what I wanted but there you go.

[Subway]

I cant believe I was so blind.

 

I just told her to google gaslighting because thats what she's been doing to me. She threw something

 

No more Mr nice guy. I'll go, when she gives me the 50% I'm entitled to.

[seibert253]

Find somewhere else to live.

 

File for D

 

Have her served

 

Move out

 

I would normally say don't leave your home, but it's obvious she's not. For your own sanity, and to keep you safe from false police reports, it's time to go.

 

You need to go LC even though you live together. Speak about nothing but kids and finances, NOTHING ELSE. Come and go as you please, and don't tell her ANYTHING about what your doing. It's no longer her business.

[Joie de Vivre]

I have a bit of a dilemma.

 

I read a line on here earlier and it is making me think differently.

 

Never make someone a priority who sees you as an option.

 

 

 

By me agreeing to her terms and moving out part time, I am giving her feelings priority. I am being slowly pushed out.

 

I'm now wondering if I should stay put, knowing I have options there if need be. Thinking of my priorities, without her in them, are me and my 2 sons. The best thing for me and my 2 sons is if I stay put right?

 

Should I start sleeping back in bed rather than the sofa? Should I tell her that a marital bed is for husband and wife and if she doesnt want that anymore then SHE should sleep on the sofa?

 

Or is that just the anger telling me to do all that?

 

AArrgghhhhhhh!!!!

 

 

I have been following your posts and hesitated in commenting until now. I really do hope that you decide to not move out because she is the one who wants out of the marriage, she should take responsibility for what she wants.

 

It's not about being angry or making an impulsive decision. It's your house, if she wants out, then she needs to move out herself. You deserve to stay put!

[Joie de Vivre]

So the situation at the moment is it looks like we may try and live under the same roof, as parents and housemates, rather than husband and wife. I don't think either of us know whether it will work but its worth a try if we can be civil or even friendly to each other. we have been best friends for 12 years, surely theres something worth saving there, even if its not romantic attachment, if only for the sake of a harmonious household.

 

I'm not seeing this as a permenant solution though. I will, at some point want my own place with my son from first marriage, but I think if we can make this situation work for everyone concerned, then its not quite such an urgent requirement and could easily wait until after Xmas.

 

Of course if after 2-3 weeks it really isnt working, then it may be back to plan A.

 

The basic rules we have set:

 

- No 'new friends' to be in contact with sons, do not come to this house while we both live in it and do not have the landline number. And no flaunting either. Be discreet and try to be respectful of the others feelings. Basically no sex in this house (unless for old times sake lol) while we both live in it.

 

- We each have designated nights in so both of us have equal evenings where we can go out if we so choose

 

- The person whos night in it is, chooses what they want to do. EG If it's my night in and I want to watch TV, then she either watches what I watch or finds something else to do or goes out.

 

- Alternate weekends staying away to give each other 'space' - and yes I'm pretty sure why she brought this up (What about my free time to slag it up?!?!)

 

- Equal cleaning, financial and parental responsibility

 

- We can lead seperate lives and still show the other some consideration

 

As I say an awful lot these days....take it day by day and time will tell.

 

My sister is convinced that if I give her enough time, the truth will out. She, like many of you, and to a degree me too, is certain there is more to this than meets the eye. I still don't think she has had an affair, and I still dont think she wants to jump straight into another relationship, but I am 99% certain she wants to have casual relationships and tart it up as soon as possible. I would wet myself if he turned her down now that shes no longer a 'safe' married flirt partner.

 

My wedding ring is now off. Symbolic for me really. a part of my acceptance that it is dead. I plan to get a neck chain and wear it on that, because regardless of how its ended, it was a large part of my life for a long time.

 

We did have a blazing row earlier and she displayed some really quite odd behaviour, considering she says she doesnt want me and the romantic part of her love for me is dead. When I mentioned about seeing other people while we are still living together, and how did she feel about that, she got very defensive and said "So will you be having lovey dovey little chats on the phone in front of me?" in a really caustic tone. It shocked me, I mean you dont want me, but the thought that someone else will doesnt sit well with you does it? Is it because you can't control it?

 

She said tonight that she meant would I play games and try to make her jealous, to which I replied that she should know by now I dont play games, and how could I possibly make her jealous? You can only get jealous if you want something, and you don't want me, so why did you get so angry about it?

 

She later said that although she doesnt want to be romantically involved with me, she will still find it uncomfortable when she finds out I have met someone else. I really don't understand that. I can understand me not wanting her to jump in the sack with someone else, because I wanted to keep this marriage together. (and if truth be told, I would still love us to be able to patch it up, but don't now believe it can be. I have thrown in the towel. I tried), but if you don't have any romantic feelings for me, why would it bother you in the slightest? Mixed messages coming out still.

 

When my first wife and I split, I had no romantic feelings for her. I couldnt have given a monkeys uncle if she went and slept with someone else 10 minutes later.

 

Really confused about that. My sister thinks its because I've done the unexpected and gone from being very teary and emotional, to shutting down my emotions to an extent and getting pragmatic about it all. I must admit, this is normal behaviour for me in relationship breakdowns. I think I have been grieving this marriage for 3 weeks, even though it was only 'official' on Thursday. I'm not going to pretend I'm over it, because I know I'm not, but there comes a time after so much constant pain that the brain says no more. I'm not going to be a victim.

 

I did tell her tonight that if she asked me to 'try again' in a weeks time, the answer would be no, because I have more self respect than that, and am nobodies 2nd choice. I think that shocked her, bearing in mind a matter weeks ago she called me needy its easy to see why. I think she has misunderstood me for so long, its actually quite sad that had she been more open with me years ago, we may well not be here now. I gave myself to her 100%, heart, body and soul. She mistook that for dependancy. Her mistake.

 

What a bizarre life I have

 

I am so glad you decided to stay put! !

 

although it would take sometime to get use to, but I have seen it happen.. I have a family friend whose parents live under the same roof, have sleep in different bedrooms and live their own lives. This lasted for 15 years + until their daughters graduated from college.

 

PS: you are a lot lot stronger than you think. keep your head up and look forward to a new and better life.

[NoIDidn't]

I'm so glad you looked up gaslighting. She's been doing it to you bigtime.

 

Don't leave your home or the children. She can claim that you abandoned her and the courts will use it against you. Even if it was just for your sanity.

 

Dig in your heels. Tell her she has to move out.

 

Right now she is rewriting your marital history. I don't think it will be long before you fing out who her "soft landing' is.

 

Sorry this is happening to you. You do sound very rational and stable. Don't let her attempts at gaslighting unhinge you. She will do anything to make you the crazy one.

 

Next time she initiates an argument, ignore her or tell her you will not talk and leave the situation. She needs these arguments to fuel her irrational behavior.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Please see a lawyer as soon as you can. The last thing you want is for her to cook up some 'abuse' story and have you arrested. It sounds like she is desperate at this point, and you really, REALLY need to start consider legally covering your bases before she manipulates you into a situation you can't easily get out of.