Author Subway Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 Just a quick update to say that things are slowly improving. Time will tell but I think we are over the worst. Things are much more relaxed and are getting back to normal. Thanks for all the input so far :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Subway Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 OK so just as I start to think things are moving forward, I get a curveball. She's been a bit funny the last couple of days, so I asked her if anything was wrong. We had sex on Sunday and she said "You know that warm feeling you get afterwards? Well I didn't get it on Sunday, I just felt numb, but the sex was good, but its like aftwards, it wouldnt have mattered if we hadn't. I'm not sure if it's a one off thing that I've never had before or something more." So, I didn't really say alot to her at all. Tried to understand, didn't get angry, didnt even get emotional. Upset sure, hurt doesn't even begin to describe it, but I don't want to say something purely out of hurt or anger because that won't help things will it.. I just lay on the sofa and listened to music for a couple of hours, played some rock band, thought. When she went to bed about 20 minutes ago, she came and went to hug me and I flinched! I've NEVER done that to her before. She asked if she could hug me and I said "Only if you want to" and she said "I do". Gave me a hug and kiss and went to bed. One things for certain, I ain't giving up on my marriage, and my family. I did actually tell her, in a jokey way that if she thought she could get rid of me that easily she was wrong. Damn yes I feel cut up, yes I feel like my heart has been ripped out, but I'm also trying to keep things in perspective. I'm glad she told me. She said she'd been wondering all day whether to talk to me about it and I must admit, when I asked her I was half expecting a reply of "Nothings wrong", even though I knew there was. After the way I reacted to some of our other discussions I wouldnt blame her to be honest, but she still trusts me enough to give it a shot to talk so I respect that and don't want to hurt her just because I'm hurt. Hope that makes sense. Bottom line is I think we need to give ourselves, and our marriage, time to heal some of the hurt that has gone both ways, whether intentional hurt or not. I suppose the only question I need answered from her right now is "Do you still want to grow old with me?" Not sure I want to ask it though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Subway Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 I did say to her the other night (anniversary night) that she needs ro realise that shes not the only one with wants and needs in this marriage. I've thought about the second paragraph quite alot since reading it this morning. Not too sure how I feel about it yet. The whole she said something that I responded to badly to which she responded badly etc etc thing is pretty much spot on. This has been a chain of events. I'm just not sure where it started. A few things about the more distant past have come back into 'discussion' over the last few months. Where does she acknowledge that you have an interest also? That she may have her defenses up but so do you? That you might also have wants and needs (albeit different from hers)? Seems like an awful lot of one sided blame here. You were just as put off by her request as she was by your response. You didn't get to sleeping on the couch by yourself... Mr. Lucky In short. I don't believe I have ever rejected her advances. I'm pretty much always in the mood and less than 3 times a week and I start to get cranky lol. I wouldn't say she frequently rejects me, not until the last 3 weeks or so. Sometimes I will try it on when I know theres little chance so set myself up for it. Yes, I told her on anniversary night that through the afternoon I was looking for signs of being 'witth' her that night, but didnt get any. Granted, I didnt come in in the best of moods though, and tried to keep out of her way until my mood subsided, which it didn't, but probably would have the following morning if she'd left me alone. She could have ended that 'anxiety' by saying those few words, but got angry when I tried to talk to her instead. Subway: How often do you reject her advances? How often does she reject yours? If you almost never reject hers, and she frequently rejects yours then why out of common deceny didn't she just tell you straight out that she was happy to connect on your anniversary? Why is it that you always have to risk being rejected which makes you feel hurt and angry and harms your marriage? Would it not have simply been kind of her to say at some point during the day, "I am looking forward to us being "together" tonight" I could not live with someone who couldn't understand that after hell - after one week - not two weeks - I am really hungry for sex. I think it is fair to ask her to teach you how to get her in the mood in a nice, slow loving way. This whole concept of "unless she is in the mood to start - she is not willing to have sex". That is going to screw your head up for the rest of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovely10 Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 There is quite a bit more going on with your wife than meets the eye. There is no way there could be this magnitude of marital problems over her feeling 'slighted' because you weren't interested in sharing her with other men. Frankly, I feel sorry for you. It reads as though you are being emotionally abused by this woman who is creating this dynamic and is gaslighting you. As a woman I can tell you this... there is no way she's behaving this way over you being upset with her for wanting to have extramarital sex. It sounds more like an angry toddler throwing a temper tantrum. In other words... I think you are being dumped on. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 There is quite a bit more going on with your wife than meets the eye. There is no way there could be this magnitude of marital problems over her feeling 'slighted' because you weren't interested in sharing her with other men. Frankly, I feel sorry for you. It reads as though you are being emotionally abused by this woman who is creating this dynamic and is gaslighting you. As a woman I can tell you this... there is no way she's behaving this way over you being upset with her for wanting to have extramarital sex. It sounds more like an angry toddler throwing a temper tantrum. In other words... I think you are being dumped on. and you might never find out what's going on in her head... don't you wish she just came out and told you the truth? This is painful stuff... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Subway Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 Feeling pretty numb today. Im going between determination in Working through things to resignation that my efforts are in vain and maybe it would be better to walk away now rather than keep being in pain. I just dont know what to do. Have my counselling tomorrow so hopefully that will help in some way. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Feeling pretty numb today. Im going between determination in Working through things to resignation that my efforts are in vain and maybe it would be better to walk away now rather than keep being in pain. I just dont know what to do. Have my counselling tomorrow so hopefully that will help in some way. it should help... have a few sessions and take it from there... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Subway Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 I think its over. Both have counselling today but it feels over. She just doesnt want it like I do. Seriously I feel like im going to die from this inescapable pain. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I think its over. Both have counselling today but it feels over. She just doesnt want it like I do. Seriously I feel like im going to die from this inescapable pain. don't despair... I was in your situation and my marriage seemed over, but with counselling (which made things worse... ) and compromise we have solved many of the problems... it's not quite the same - I don't think my wife loves me - but at least we are not divorcing... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Subway Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 Thank you :-) my focus right now is whatever happens whats important is what happens now. How we got here seems irrelevant to me. I got the I love you as a friend line last night Albeit in a roundabout way. What an insult. She also said yet again that she doesnt know if the romantic love will ever return. But then she cant seem to understand why i cant just get on with things. Living in the same house but not as husband and wife. The idea of that makes me feel angry used betrayed and is just plain unrealistic. My counselling session tonight cant come soon enough. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Thank you :-) my focus right now is whatever happens whats important is what happens now. How we got here seems irrelevant to me. I got the I love you as a friend line last night Albeit in a roundabout way. What an insult. She also said yet again that she doesnt know if the romantic love will ever return. But then she cant seem to understand why i cant just get on with things. Living in the same house but not as husband and wife. The idea of that makes me feel angry used betrayed and is just plain unrealistic. My counselling session tonight cant come soon enough. ouch! How familiar! My wife proposed me a sexless marriage... "can we just be together without the sex?" This saga dragged on and on until I told her I was living. I said we should just tell the children, sell the house and divorce. I'm pretty sure that - although she really cares for me - she doesn't quite love me anymore, but she was prepared to compromise (sex once a week) in order to keep me there and keep the family together. Maybe you should do the same? Think about this carefully, because she might agree! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Subway Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 If I had somewhere to go I may well have left by now but I haven't and she knows it. I have my son from first marriage to think about too. Its not really an option to just pack my bags. Every option that seems available to me means more hurt and more pain Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 If I had somewhere to go I may well have left by now but I haven't and she knows it. I have my son from first marriage to think about too. Its not really an option to just pack my bags. Every option that seems available to me means more hurt and more pain we separated under the same roof for some time, without telling the children. I was just sleeping in my office. I could not afford to rent a flat or anything. We got back together, but things didn't really change, so I decided to go. I just told her that I was looking for a flat and that I would go as soon as I found a suitable one, although I coudn't really afford it. You don't have to go straightaway - can you sleep in a different room? - but you can tell her that you will go as soon as you manage to organise yourself. She needs to know that you mean business, otherwise this will drag on forever... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Subway Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 Thanks again. Your posts are really helpful. Its certainly something I will have to think hard about. She just sinned me because my son wanted to tell me my rock band beatles has arrived. She wished me well for my counselling session. I purpose something that is playing on my mind is that I dont want to spend the next six months trying really hard as so called friends only for her to turn around and say that nothing has changed and be back here again. In sure there will be more talk tonight as we will have both had a session today so I guess im just going to have to accept this limbo for a while yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Subway Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 Lol sorry for off words posting from phone. Stupid predictive text! Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 mmm... you might get her to have sex with you again if she agrees after you threaten to leave, but would you be happy with "mercy sex"? I still haven't recovered from my wife's "confession"... "I don't love you anymore like I used to"... and I still haven't decided what to do after the youngest will fly the nest... you can't force your wife to love you like that again, unfortunately, so, if you stay, you probably will have to decide if "mercy sex" is enough for you, keeping in mind the importance of a truly fulfilling marriage to you.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Subway Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 Thats a tough one. I am not a typical make and find it difficult to have non emotional sex. Its not something I feel I could do indefinately but I have the thought me her getting a release from someone else even more. After all that is what started this whole nightmare. out me interest how long ago did your wife drop that bomb on you? Do you have a thread here you can link to? Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I have one thread, but it's about a later stage... when did she drop the bomb? I think about 2 years ago and then again when we were having counselling, about October last year... Funnily enough, I kind of accepted it at the time, but now the more I think about it the more I'm hurt.... I've done a lot of thinking recently and this has brought to the surface many unhappy feelings... My wife does care about me and we have good sex... I could stay like this forever, but the thought of not being loved is too painful... I don't know what I will do... Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Is the pain from not being "loved" or not being "sexually desired"? Two very different things to me. At times wife has not "loved" me, other times she has not "desired" me. When she "loves" but does not "desire" she has sex to make me happy. When she is feeling love and desire - well it is mutual and certainly much nicer. When she was not feeling love or desire just plain old obligation then she inflicted pain on me by coming to bed late on purpose so I had to sacrifice sleep to "get any" I have one thread, but it's about a later stage... when did she drop the bomb? I think about 2 years ago and then again when we were having counselling, about October last year... Funnily enough, I kind of accepted it at the time, but now the more I think about it the more I'm hurt.... I've done a lot of thinking recently and this has brought to the surface many unhappy feelings... My wife does care about me and we have good sex... I could stay like this forever, but the thought of not being loved is too painful... I don't know what I will do... Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 well, not being loved, I would say... after a lot of soul searching in the past, and my threat to leave, I came to the conclusion that sex wasn't that important after all and I'm not that bothered about it anymore. Maybe because I suffered too much and I'm trying to shield myself from more pain. Having said that, it's probably because we do have sex more often, but that could be because the wife has noticed the lack of pressure from me. But not being loved is definitely more painful... Link to post Share on other sites
silic0ntoad Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Hey man, I've read thru your entire thread. I hate to say it, but the evidence is GLARING. She asks that question. Flag #1. emotionally withdraws. Flag #2. Physically withdraws. Flag #3. If she says she felt numb, it's because she doesn't want to sleep with you. She wants to sleep with someone else she is interested in. Think of it this way. She doesn't want to cheat on her boyfriend with her husband. It's honest, and simple. I'd hire a PI and meet a lawyer. Be a man, put your foot down and tell her enough is enough when you get the evidence you know is there. Denial is the death of truth, my friend. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Subway Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 I can see how it looks that way. We may be hurting each other at the moment but I believe that if she wanted to be with someone else she would tell me. We had a quite constructive talk last night. Still upsetting but constructive. She is still making her mine up about whether she thinks it can work or if we are just going to carry on hurting each other. The hardest times for me at the moment are the times when I would normally cuddle her like when I leave for work or go to bed. I worry that sooner or later if my needs are not being met I will look to get them met elsewhere. Im still trying to stay positive but dont know how long I can go on getting upset every morning and every night. Tomorrow is going to be hard. We are both out all day and then she is out in the evening too so we wont see each other at all. One thing she said last night was that she thinks too much of my life revolves around our marriage. Maybe shes right. I dont know. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 One thing she said last night was that she thinks too much of my life revolves around our marriage. Maybe shes right. I dont know. Of course she would say that... seems to me that she wants out and she is trying to find the least painful way for you, by withdrawing from the marriage gradually and dropping hints... I get the impression that she is having an EA... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Subway Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 This is a big concern to me. Not so much an ea but the wanting out and trying to make it as painless as possible and something I need to know or at least need her to know that it is a concern and if that is the case then she is wasting her energy. If its inevitable that we are done then I would rather start healing now than in a years time. One me the things she said last night was that she is worried that it night take some time for us to re connect and that I will get impatient and we in back to square one. I told her that if she told me that she didnt want sex with me but wanted it with someone else them that would be that. I do need to let her know that I mean that emotionally too. If she starts getting her emotional needs met by another Ive dont think Ive can cope with that. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 I think you need to sit her down and have a frank talk... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts