love you not in love with seperated affair

[floridapad]

My wife and I have been married 15 years with three children 13, 10 and 3. One year ago she gave me the I love you but Im not in love with you speech and that we are not compatible. Needless to say, it rocked my world and I did some REAL soul searching about myself all the way back to childhood and needless to say I made some real changes in side of myself. However I discovered several months after the speech that she had a full blown affair with someone at work and was completely and madly in love with this married man. She said she would give him up and I forgave her and showed her the love that I now knew how to give. For the next several months we went to counseling seperatly and I did more soul searching and unfortunately my love grew to be unconditional. I say unfortunately because I found out she saw the man again and we seperated that day (three months ago). The counselor told me she is in a midlife crisis with emphasis on wanting to be in love (she recently turned 40, straightened her hair got a boob job, the whole thing.) She does feel very guilty for what she did but feels she can not love me in the way she needs to be happy. This woman is not the woman I know. She has become someone different, like a teenager. Her parents and familly are shocked (as they found out) and are heart broken that she is throwing our marriage away. In the first few weeks after the seperation we were very freindly and laughing and she said she wanted to be freinds. After a few weeks of pain and knowing that she was still sleeping with the man, I finally told her in a very calm but somewhat emotional way, " I wanted to make this marriage work, I wanted to give this family a second chance and I made the choice to give us a second chance but you chose not to. I cannot be your freind right now because I need to detach. Please don't call text etc unless it is important. I have been doing the 180's with minor setbacks. I know you all think I'm crazy but I do want to reconcile with her. I have unconditional love for her and the woman of today is not the woman that was there for the last 20 years. Even her family says it and even she is confused about it. We are on good terms when I pick up the kids, I smile laugh and leave. She knows she is confused right now and the man she was with has told her no more. (I think the added pressure of asking him to leave his wife was scaring him. Now that I wasn't around she had all the free time to obsess on him which scared him because he has told her many times he is not leaving). My question is where do I go from the 180's. I am giving her space which has been allowing me to detach. How do I know when she is making gestures. Right now she is very saddened over the affair and the fact the guy is not leaving his wife and I think her world is beginning to crumble. She also made a point to me that she is sad about the seperation, but the fact remains the same. Right now she doesn't love me in the way she needs. Where do I go from here. Should I start the freind process. Can you do that while doing the 180's. Thank you so much

[GrayClouds]

Try the book "Love Must be Tough" its a bit religious but the points are sound.

 

Sorry that sucks.

[hopesndreams]

Sorry you are going through this. Make yourself and your kids a priority at this time. You have done all you can for her, you have spelled out what she needs to do. This could very well be a midlife crisis and as such she needs to know the consequences of her actions. If her MM does not leave his wife for her, she may very well come back to you. Only problem with that is, you would be second choice. That would be a tough thing to live with as time goes on and in the back of your mind, you will know, she could do all this to you again with someone else she takes a fancy to.

 

She wants out, let her go. It's the only option you have at this time. Do not be her friend. Be civil to her for the kids sake and that is all. She needs to miss you and she can't do that if you both are chatting and laughing together. She knows the score. The rest is now down to her.

[Lizzie60]

sorry but you cannot be friend with her..

 

You are not detach from her yet.. If she ever comes back to you... she will still loves you.. but not be in love with you.. nothing will change..

 

The woman you knew is gone forever.. I'm afraid.

 

Move on.. take care of yourself and your kids... you'll eventually meet someone who will make your heart beat again.. trust me.

 

Good luck.

[happylife]

Hi

~having read your post i can completely identify with your wife. Not that i have feelings for another man, although i did have at one time, but just that whole thing about feeling that i dont want my marriage anymore. Like you, my H has tried to get over my short affair but that seems like the least of my problems. I just don't feel for him anymore. We had lots of other problems before i had the A and there is now just so much baggage. However, even with baggage and affairs i think you can move forward but only if you are still in love. I don't think i am in love with my H anymore and its so sad. I hate to feel that way and so wish i sisn't. The reason i am replying to your post is because i think you need to come to terms with your marriage being over. Even if she comes back to you she really has lost all those feelings for you and i dont think theyll ever return.

I am at present trying to decide whether not to stay in my marriage. My H deserves so much more than me, he should have someone who loves and respects him. Whenever i want to discuss us splitting up he talks me round and i guess it has kept me here but my heart is not in it at all.

I cannot see a happy outcome for you and this woman together. Now she has moved out then I think you should try to get a new life for yourself with someone who is right for you. Don't accept second best. She may regret it for the rest of her life, as might i if i go, but even knowing that i might be making a massive mistake i still cant help but listen to my heart.

Good luck, i'm sorry this has also happened in your marriage. Believe it or not its awful from the other person (ie your wife and myself's)side too when your marriage comes this. No one would want their life to go this way. We all want to be in love forever, and it's so sad when we realise the fairytale isnt going to happen.

[floridapad]

I am slowly coming to terms with the end of my marriage but I love her dearly and I am not quite ready to let go. I do not want her back unless she can feel love for me that would make her happy. But there in lies the rub. After a 20 year relationship how should being "in love" feel. Love ebbs and flows and goes through periods of time where it feels it doesn't exist. Unfortunately her vision of love is something she felt in an affair which she knows doesn't last and is created in an unreal world but unfortunately her heart is not convinced yet. People can and do fall back in love so I'm not ready to give up just yet, but I am also coming to terms with the end. Our relationship was not a terrible one and we did not fight much be we did drift apart and things became very routine. I at one point during the seperation had acccess to her e-mail and she sent her freind a letter saying "maybe after I get through this mess (affair/recovery/withdrawal/MLC) I might be able to think about my H. He is handling the seperation and affair so well I feel humbled. If he even would take me back". I am taking that with a grain of salt right now and no I would not take her back unless I could feel she loved me. The seperation was necessary. It gave her a sense of freedom and independence which her and I needed. But she is slowly realizing the grass is not greener. Unfortunately it is something we both have to go through to see if love can be rekindled.

[Thaddeus]

The trite and insulting, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech is a smokescreen.

 

The Urban Dictionary said it best:

Phrase used exclusively by shallow self-absorbed individuals who actually have no concept of what it means to love or be loved. Their hearts are vacant and usually associate sex not with a deeply emotional or spiritual experience but rather purely a physical and transient act involving no emotion. Such individuals are limited in both intellect and in normal socialization skills. People who use this overused cliche usually suffer from a combination of schizotypal disorder and sociopathy. A catch-all phrase when the person doing the dumping knows there is no reason for the relationship to end, other than for purely selfish reasons of wanting to pursue sexual relations with other individuals outside of the current relationship

 

I love you but I'm not in love with you

 

Translation: I don't love you and I want to experiment with other people

Pretty much sums it up.

 

Sorry, floridapad, but she probably checked out of the relationship a long time ago and just hasn't had the fortitude to mention it until now.

 

Forget the whole 'friends' routine. It's a one-way ticket to a very personal hell.

 

Manage yourself and your kids. And see a lawyer. Today.

[happylife]

How would you know for sure that she loves you? I was advised my my MC to fake it to make it, which he agreed was a horrible term but the message was that the mind is a very powerful thing so if you convince yourself you have feelings for someone then they may eventually come. Myself i have probably been guilty of saying 'all the right things' to my husband because i wanted to feel what i know he wanted me to feel. Do you have children? We have two and it has made me hang in there, we have both admitted that without them we would have separated years ago. Will you ever trust her again if she comes back? Once again my H thought he would be ok abut it but he clearly isn't, understandably so. Who would be ok with your spouse having an A? I think it was best as you said that she has had some space and moved out. Looking back i wish i had done that when my H discovered my A, if only to have some space to sort out my head. We thought that if no one knew then it would be easier to try and get over, and if i moved out people would ask questions and our children would be confused too. My head was full of the other guy at first and i have since realised that it was the first throws of love / love is blind/ it wasn't real etc. However, i havent had comtact with this man for 18 months and my feelings for him have gone but the feelings for my H just aren't there either so i now know that my feelings hadn't gone necessarily because i had feelings for someone else. They had gone anyway. However, with this now just being between my H and I at least i feel any decision i/we make is with a clear head and not that fog of 'love'. It may be a while before your wife stopsthinking about the other guy, esp as she may carry on seeing him even though he wont leave his wife? Does his wife know? If she came back how could you be sure the A wasn't still going on?

[happylife]

The trite and insulting, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech is a smokescreen.

 

The Urban Dictionary said it best:

Pretty much sums it up.

 

Sorry, floridapad, but she probably checked out of the relationship a long time ago and just hasn't had the fortitude to mention it until now.

 

Forget the whole 'friends' routine. It's a one-way ticket to a very personal hell.

 

Manage yourself and your kids. And see a lawyer. Today.

 

 

 

This is ridiculous! I love you but i'm not in love with you is felt by many people. It is entirely possible to have fallen out of love with someone and still have deep feelings of love for them. you love your parents don't you? or your siblings but you're not 'in love' with them?!! Being in love is the whole package, including sexual attraction and having a great connection. Loving someone is a warm, fondness which can be very deep, ie a long term friendship or a family member. If you don't believe it's possible then you have clearly never felt it yourself. I totally understand the saying and it has nothing to do with wanting to experiment with other men. Unfortunately Affairs happen because when you start to love your spouse as a 'brother' or 'sister' then you find that lust elsewhere. Before you tear into me for saying that, i would like to say yes, i know it all, affairs are VERY wrong, they are hurtful and selfish and if one feels that way then one should undoubtedly leave the relationship or even better sort out the problems before jumping into bed with someone else. My experience is one i would never repeat.

[happylife]

 

Sorry, floridapad, but she probably checked out of the relationship a long time ago and just hasn't had the fortitude to mention it until now.

 

Forget the whole 'friends' routine. It's a one-way ticket to a very personal hell.

 

 

 

But.... I do very much agree with this, i think in order to have the A she did check out of the relationship long ago in order to delatch herself from you otherwise i dont think she could have done it. However, once the feelings have gone, i doubt they come back. And i also agree with "a one way ticket to personal hell". So far it has been for us.

[lkjh]

Ok you really need to be a man about this. Stop being so nice and if you haven't told the OM wife yet, do it!

 

Do not make this easy on her

[happylife]

Hi Floridapad

Are you worried that if the OM's wife finds out then she'll kick her H out then he'll be available to be with your wife? So she's not free to come back? It's a tough one but then at least you would know for sure? He would either finish ALL contact with your wife so she'ld be forced to get over him one way or the other which may involve her coming home OR he could leave his wife and then you'll have your answer.

My H never told the wife in our situation and admitted that it was for the reason of the OM then being free to as he put it 'pursue' me! Problem is even now he wonders if i'm still in love with OM (which i'm not) but he prob thinks that i might be as i guess things didn't end with a conclusion his end. Something to give thought to...?

[CheatedOnHusband]

I feel for you Floridapad. You are the Mr Nice guy, just like I was ... it doesn't work. Listen to Happylife, she sees things from your wife's angle, and she has thus far asked you crucial questions.

 

I wasin your position before ... questioning myself if I should 'trace' the OM wife and expose the affair, but having read loads of posters here I did just that. I saw an email to STBXW the next day that his life is ruined and he now know how much he loves his wife, that he is going to work on his marriage. Telling his wife lifted a lot of weight of my shoulder, now I care less what she does with her life.

 

You are the player in the field, but know that if the OM is fully available she will be long gone. Why settle for second best?

[tojaz]

FloridaPad,

I admire your desire to stand for your marriage. I was the same way, although it all proved to be in vain, i would not have been able to sleep at night unless I knew i had done everything I could to save my marriage.

 

Give this a good hard look, especially the part about standing. A verygood LS friend of mine found this for me(thanks Lisa) and it has opened a lot of eyes. http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/ It is aimed at the man going through MLC but the info works both ways. Best of luck to you.

Keep posting

TOJAZ

[giotto]

I think it's finished. Women don't have affairs if they are still iin love with their husbands... simple, eh? You need to understand this. Difficult, yes, but you need to see your wife for what she is: an adulterer, who has ruined your life and your children's...

[floridapad]

Thank you all for your posts. I do realize that my wife fell out of love prior to the affair which enabled her to do it. But I also beleive that people do fall back in love but obviously in this situation the chance of that happening are highly unlikely. I will not tell the OM's wife for several reasons:

1) The OM's wife is bipolar and the throught she might have an episode and take her life or go after my wife would not sit well with my conscience.

2) My wife would hate me forever. I know I shouldn't care but we have three children together and we will be a part of each others lives whether or not we want to. Plus I don't want that anger carried into divorce proceedings.

3) He is not going to leave his wife. He has told my wife numerous times and has also told her that he loves his wife and family. It has driven my wife insane and she is beginning to feel what it is like to be a mistress (One who no longer has a husband). She once had a strong moral compass but lost it and now she is crashing and burning. I would rather she did that on her own without me being the cause.

4) The affair has been exposed to her family and close freinds and she is has been hearing it from all ends.

5) I have been talking with the OM and threatening to tell his wife. He is quite fearful. They work together and I told him to leave the school (both are teachers) or I will call his wife. He indicated he was going to resign August 31st (we'll see.). This man will do anything to prevent his wife from finding out because of her bipolar condition.

 

Having said all this I do realize affairs are powerful addictions and she may even still be seeing him but through the e-mails I have read of hers (she doesn't know I had her password) he is wanting out and stopping contact. For now of course.

 

Where does all this put me? A man who can forgive his wife for what she did but I could never go back unless she grew and learned from her internal struggles and loved me the way she needs to. This I know will unlikely happen. But I need to know I did everything possible. So for now I need a game plan with a little help from you all hopefully, and one that for now doessn't lead to serving papers (although that day will probably come). I have two freinds who went through the same thing with their wives and it took one and a half years of speration (for both) and the wives finally came back around and found out they did love their husbands afterall. Both couples are much happier today than they were prior to the affairs.

[MrMayI]

you're a good guy, floridapad. personally, i'm around 3 months in as well. my wife's affair is slowly coming to light. i don't think i can wait much longer to serve the papers. i may could forgive an affair, but i'll damn sure never forget.

 

also, how did you go about exposing it to her family?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dont be afraid to expose this woman and what she's doing to you. It may look vindictive, but how could it be vindictive to tell the truth?

[floridapad]

My wife has been exposed. Several of her school/work freinds know. Her familly knows and all her closest freinds. The prinicpal called her in to discuss the rumors so it is spreading. Her familly found out through her. I will still not tell the OM's wife for the reasons I stated above. The affair has been exposed to the people that matter. But your right. If the affair is not exposed then there are no consequences. She is a good person who made a BIG mistake and she is feeling it right now and will for many years. The pain of the affair is all but gone for me. No I will not forget and I often wonder if I can live with it (as many people learn to do through MC). If you truly love the person there is always a way. But if she comes back it will be on MY terms and only if I know she loves me in the way she needs to. I was far too soft after I found out about the affair because I was in a fog. The 180's have helped me a ton. But damn it. I still love her unconditionally. I am going to focus on getting myself a set of B*lls again. I have had numerous women approach me after the seperation but I have no interest. I think that may need to change.

[seibert253]

Here's my .02.

Stay LC, no contact except about finances and kids. Nothing else. If she loves you, she will come back. Give it some time, but not forever.

 

If nothing changes you may want to go ahead and file for D and have her served. Don't say anything about it, just do it. This will be a big wake up call to her. One of two things will occur:

1. She will come running back

2. She will run away

 

She will call to find out why, yada yada. Tell her "I wanted to work and give our marriage and family a second chance. It seems you do not. If this isn't going to work, then we need to go our seperate ways and move on".

 

You deserve a wife who is going to love, support, and cherish you. Your WW may be that person, but right now she is not, and she may never be. You need to start preparing right now for the rest of your life. Either with or without her.

[floridapad]

Thank you for the advice. I plan on waiting until after the holidays to serve the papers. My plan was to do LC for the next 5 months and then personally drop the papers off (it's been three months of seperation). (we agreed to do this one without attorneys. For now of course.) We have our 15 year anniversery this Friday for which I am doing NOTHING. Unfortunately I will be picking up the kids that day but still intend to not even acknowledge it (not sure if thats the right thing to do). For the holidays my plan is to spend it with the family including her so that we can be in a positive environment with something to celebrate, plus I don't think the children are ready yet for seperate holidays. After new years I will wait a month or two with LC and then drop the papers off. I like your "speech" to give her. Sounds about right. I need a plan so I can stop obsessing over what to do and know in the end I gave it my all.

[Auroracoladybug]

Well floridapad atleast you remember your anniversary...my H thought it was two days later (given only 3 yrs of marriage here) and babysat his roommates 3 girls that night...really sit down and think about your traditions and things for the kids that matter to you...I don't want to think of it either (separate holidays) but I think I am already there because J doesn't show any interest...sounds like neither does she...so you may wait until after these holidays but you may enjoy yourself and your children more if it is separate. I love J unconditionally and yes I am letting him fall on his a$$ and he can explain to everyone how he blames me for everything but I have had contact with my inlaws and have kept them informed and my family knows too...you are right no need to throw more mud...let her sink.

[happylife]

I have had numerous women approach me after the seperation but I have no interest. I think that may need to change.

 

 

That definately needs to change!! How did it go today with picking the kids up? Did you manage not to mention the 'anniversary'?!!

[happylife]

Just remembered the time difference! It's 5pm in England! I guess you have yet to collect them? Anyway, good luck, best not to mention it as she's probably expecting you to and it may be a reality check of whats going on here!

[sumdude]

I love you but I'm not in love with you

 

Translation: I don't love you and I want to experiment with other people

 

More or less that's what it means. Or a little more like ...

 

I still kinda care about you but you don't get me hot anymore so I am/want to be having sex with other people.

 

It's just a catch all phrase designed to make it seem easier than telling the hard truth.

 

Sorry OP but the chances of reconciliation are slim. It's an odd and painful thing to consider that the person who once was so into you physically now feels almost repulsed by the thought of being with you sexually. The next thing you hear is "It's not you it's me." That's the truth, for whatever reasons her feelings for you as a mate are gone and not likely to return so now you must take the time and effort to get those feelings out of your system.

 

You're still in the hopeful denial stage. Fact is she lied and lied right to your face and betrayed your trust. Even if you do somehow manage to get back together would you ever really trust her again?

 

At the moment she is not your friend, friends don't lie to each other like that. She also isn't your enemy but I'm waiting to hear some anger from you about this.. I mean you are PO'd about what she's done right?