love you not in love with seperated affair

[seibert253]

1. Does the OM's wife know what was going on? She needs to.

2. No you cannot be friends with her, you will just keep reliving the pain and reopening the wounds.

2. 180, 180, 180. NC at all except for finances and kids, nothing else. She calls, don't answer, let it go straight to VM. Texts, don't answer or answer on your terms, as long as it's in regards to the above content.

3. Contact an attorney and file for D. She needs to see you're not going to put up with her sh#t and wait around forever while she decides what she wants.

 

Yeah I think you've got a MLC going on here. But, she needs a smack of reality to show her it's no longer about her and her selfish needs, you're moving on if it comes to that.

[floridapad]

Well,

 

I picked up the kids today and we both didn't mention a word of our anniversery today. Before I got there I asked her to have the kids ready. Of course they were not. She was cheery but no mention of anything. I was in no mood to chat and did not. I avoided her like the plague and collected the children. Damn I had so much anger today. First time I felt this angry in a long time. Yes chances are slim for us and you are all right. I don't know that I could ever trust her again. But...I need to know for myself and my faith that I did everything to give our marriage a chance and give her a chance in case she suddenly thinks she made a huge mistake (which I know will likely not happen). MLC or not, if I can't trust her and she can't find away to be "in love" with me, then things won't work. My hope for this erodes every day, but I will stand until I can stand no more and then I will be gone for good. I have a question. I have been getting hit on by women alot now that I am seperated (women in south florida are very forward :-). Do you think jealousy (if it passed through the grapevine of course) would be useless at this point or just back fire and perhaps allow her to say "see he doesn't need me" and make it easier on her (she has very low self esteem, so says the counselor). I know you all think I'm crazy for not moving on but I am doing it slowly with the hope of a woman who used to be a pillar of integrity would return and realize what she is losing.

[tojaz]

I don't think your crazy for not moving on. You madea commitment to this woman and you want to keep it. If you have to let go, you'll do it when your ready. as for wanting to make her jealous. Sounds like a manipulative tactic. However this is going to end, you want it to be for real. Dating someone or spinning tales to try and make her jealous will just dig you deeper. Just be the best you and husband/father you can be. The rest is in her hands, but when she makes a decision, you'll know it's for real.

I'm still pullin for ya!

TOJAZ

[sumdude]

Don't use other women to try to get your wife.. just not fair to anyone, including yourself.

[Gunny376]

The Urban Dictionarysaid it best: Quote:

 

Phrase used exclusively by shallow self-absorbed individuals who actually have no concept of what it means to love or be loved. Their hearts are vacant and usually associate sex not with a deeply emotional or spiritual experience but rather purely a physical and transient act involving no emotion. Such individuals are limited in both intellect and in normal socialization skills. People who use this overused cliche usually suffer from a combination of schizotypal disorder and sociopathy. A catch-all phrase when the person doing the dumping knows there is no reason for the relationship to end, other than for purely selfish reasons of wanting to pursue sexual relations with other individuals outside of the current relationship

 

I love you but I'm not in love with you

 

Translation: I don't love you and I want to experiment with other people

 

Big-a-boom ~ Big A Bang! This more or less of what it comes down to BUT there's the addedd additions, of MLIC, Stress (A BIG ONE), boredom, hormones, un-resolved childhood issues, lack of communicaton, lack of romance, seduction, emotional neglect, too much emphasis on things external to the relationship.......................the list goes on and on!

[Gunny376]

Per my last post, there's also mental and emotional issues.

 

What you need to be concentrating on right now is

 

1. Yourself and your own mental, emotional, financial health!

 

2. The same for your children ~ as the SW (Separated Wife) obviously isn't.

 

It really comes down to perspective and attitude.

 

Like many here I went through the mental and emotional costs of separation and divorce. Depression, devastation, the whole nine yards.

 

Then the thought occurred to me?

 

What do you have/not have that you didn't have ten, twenty, thirty years ago that you don't have or do have now?

 

It became a case of counting your blessings and not your troubles. (Counting the many precious things that have been cast before your feet) That no good ever came of 'worrying' and that no amount of worrying is worth a dime!

 

I look back over the last thirty years of my Life ~ and I've got just as much if not more than I've ever had ~ if not more ~ except a lying, cheating, two-timing wife?

 

Material things don't count, because at best you've got to replace them every ten years or so anyway, ~ or they get lost to fire, hurricanes, earthquakes ~ whatever!

 

So at the end of the day?

 

For the OP ~ what it comes down to?

 

Once you've factored in 'this" and factored out 'that' in the Great Equation of Life?

 

You've got you, yourself, and I ~ and your children!

 

And that's all that really matters now ~ isn't it?

 

And in the end?

 

That's all any of us have ~ ourselves!

 

At the end of the day?

 

It comes down to 'flipping' your perspective and your attitude!

 

You can see the glass as half empty?

 

Or you can see it as half full!

 

Just that plain and simple!

 

Without aid of the internet and such places as LS, it took me a really long time to do so.

 

I'm truly better off without her!

 

I've been so blessed in so many ways!

 

But one of my most single greatest blessings?

 

Un-answered prayers!

 

I'm pass where most here find themselves!

 

"I just thank God and Greyhound she's gone!

 

Because I really don't think I could have gone on!"

[happylife]

Well,

 

I picked up the kids today and we both didn't mention a word of our anniversery today. Before I got there I asked her to have the kids ready. Of course they were not. She was cheery but no mention of anything. I was in no mood to chat and did not. I avoided her like the plague and collected the children. Damn I had so much anger today. First time I felt this angry in a long time. Yes chances are slim for us and you are all right. I don't know that I could ever trust her again. But...I need to know for myself and my faith that I did everything to give our marriage a chance and give her a chance in case she suddenly thinks she made a huge mistake (which I know will likely not happen). MLC or not, if I can't trust her and she can't find away to be "in love" with me, then things won't work. My hope for this erodes every day, but I will stand until I can stand no more and then I will be gone for good. I have a question. I have been getting hit on by women alot now that I am seperated (women in south florida are very forward :-). Do you think jealousy (if it passed through the grapevine of course) would be useless at this point or just back fire and perhaps allow her to say "see he doesn't need me" and make it easier on her (she has very low self esteem, so says the counselor). I know you all think I'm crazy for not moving on but I am doing it slowly with the hope of a woman who used to be a pillar of integrity would return and realize what she is losing.

 

 

This is a difficult one and as usual i see it from all sides...

 

It would be unfair to another woman to be 'used' to make your wife jealous.

 

It could confirm to your wife that its all over so theres no point if you an move on that easily

 

Others could think that you have got yourself into another relationship whilst still be married and although she has treated you badly it would be frowned upon as you are still married to this woman after all (double standards i know but you are the good guy in this so far, nice to keep it that way)

 

Having said that... I think it could work a treat! There is no more bigger reality check than thinking there is no way back and that indeed your soon to be ex is desirable to other women so can actually cope without you!! You have left the door open so far and she'll see it closing.

 

Sorry, that wasn't very helpful was it?!!

 

If a 'friendship' develops with abother woman i don't see the harm in her knowing about it, and it will do you good too because who knows?!

[happylife]

I've just thought of something else, a friend of mine left her husband 5 years ago ish and has had numerous relationships/one night stands etc since they separated, They have a 12 year old daughter, who must have been about 7 when she left. They have always remained good friends and never even got divorced. He clearly always hoped she would return and never had another relationship in all that time. There were times she considered returning although she knew it wouldn't be right. She has had many many relationships and she's never happy. Anyway, recently her husband has met someone else, and it seems quite serious. Now her daughter spends time with the new girlfriend and her dad and my friend now has done some soul searching. When the relationship started and it began to sink in that the door that had always been open for her was now closing she was very very depressed. She never told me why but i knew why. Now she is well and truly 'out there' on her own with no cushion from him to soften the blow and without him stroking her ego. Big reality check. I think she realises that with all the failed relationships since that mr perfect doesn't exist and she has messed up big time but how can she admit that to anyone now? As they say, she's made her bed, she get to lay in it!

BTW Floridapad, things are progressing in my situation and i really feel you have helped for me to see it from the other side. I have realised that the whole time i really felt for you and thought wow this woman is treating him so badly that i was also that person doing that to my H, I have been working hard at making him realise that he is so appreciated for what he is trying to get over. I've also realised that i love him very much.

[floridapad]

Monday is the big day. IN the early days after discovery I threatened to tell the mans wife and family if he did not resign from my wifes workplace. He indicated he would do it August 31st. My wife and he have both indicated to me that he is not leaving his wife and my wife is beginning to be overcome with pain at being a mistress, but she also sees him everyday and it would be too difficult to leave fantasy world knowing that he is there everyday. My fear is that the pain of my wife seeing him everyday while trying to maintain NC with him would be greater than the pain of being the "other woman". She has mentioned that she knows it would be better if he were gone but it would hurt her in the beginning. Him moving on is the only way my wife can begin her affair recovery and the only shot in hell at her being able to even think about me. We will see... In the mean time I was talking to her sister (we are fairly close) and I told her I went out a few times with another woman but that I realized I wasn't ready for a relationship so I broke it off. Something tells me that will find its way back to my wife. It's true. I'm not ready yet. But it felt good to be desired and know there are plenty of fish in the sea. I'll let you all know how MOnday goes. I will be e-mailing him to ask if he has resigned. Thank you all for the great advice. It has been so incredibly helpful and nice to know people out there care. If your ever in South Florida let me know. If you scuba dive, definately let me know.

[MrMayI]

fl-pad, you are a damn good guy. your posts have sort of opened my eyes to what i will and will not accept or allow to happen. my wife is just entertaining another guy right now, and starting to seemingly have an affair. i've known about the possible physical part for about a week, and filed. i consider her tainted now, and no longer am willing to try. all before me do not matter, but ANYONE after me negative effects me.

[CheatedOnHusband]

Fl-pad, each one to their own. Some will say this man is a doormat, and others a man strong on his vows. Whatever the case, you will do what is best when the time comes. LS posters will somehow shape your way of thinking, and I believe in the end you will make the right decision.

[MrMayI]

Fl-pad, each one to their own. Some will say this man is a doormat, and others a man strong on his vows. Whatever the case, you will do what is best when the time comes. LS posters will somehow shape your way of thinking, and I believe in the end you will make the right decision.

 

this is absolutely true. i feel it's very important to remember at all times that this site is for informational purposes, and not instructional. only you know what's right for you.

[floridapad]

I admit in the beginning I was a doormat (I love you baby blah blah. blah) I lost my man card being lost in the fog of losing someone I have known for 20 years and the mother of my children. But..... I did so much soul searching and focusing on MY portion of the relationship and guess what. I screwed up royally. She was always in the relationship far more than me from the beginning until 4 or 5 years ago. I on the other hand was emotionally challenged and a bit selfish (yeah I know surprising for a man). I had major major self realizations that hit me hard. I also realize the single largest thing missing in my attitude towards her. Acceptance!!!! Never accepted her for her. Never allowed her to be. Always wanting her to be the image of who I thought my wife should be. Damn that hit me like a ton of bricks and I felt the guilt of not having been there for her emotionally for so long, the way she was for me. I've always been good to her but emotionally vacant and nonaccepting. No I am not justifying my wifes actions. I am justifying why I want to stay in this for now. Now that I have had these epiphany's its opened up mature unconditional love which is absolutely incredible. I now know how to love but I want her and our children to be a part of that. But, I am a doormat no more. I can take my new found revelations and move on and share them with a new woman, but I would prefer to do it with the one I love and the mother of my three children. I do not tell her I love her anymore, I do not talk about the relationship, I am not the security blanket I used to be for her. Tough love. Let her sink on her own, but be respectful, noble, and honorable and control the damn anger (which is pretty damn tough sometimes). If SHE reaches for my hand I will put my hand out, but I will not offer it first. She is not trash, but has completely lost herself (and even she admits this). Perhaps who she is now is who she will become forever (which I will not accept, and forever lose respect) but she was once the pillar of integrity, caring, honesty. She is addicted. I feel I owe it to her myself and my children to keep standing until I can stand no more. CR*P. Listen to my dribble. I'm a friggin wussy......

[happylife]

Ok, now i am definately convinced you are indeed my husband!!!! Either that or you are separated at birth. He is not a doormat but a respectful, well educated and loyal man. Our situation is identical in so many ways, ie, me putting more into the relationship earlier on and him being emotionally unavailable for a long time. Like you he realises his part in this and that for a while i lost my way. I'm beginning to think you may have a future with this woman but she needs to get away from this guy first before she could even move on. I never thought i would get over my OM but my goodness now i see how love is blind. I only saw his good points not his bad, i definately see his bad now and wonder what i ever saw in him, it must have been my low self esteem. Hope Monday goes well, what a fool he would be to ignore you. Good luck.

PS booked diving lessons for future Florida trip!!

[floridapad]

OK,

 

My wifes affair partner resigned from the workplace and I know for a fact that they haven't spoken in several weeks. He has moved on to be with his familly. I spoke breifly to my wife about it and she said she is slowly beginning to realize the whole fantasy of having an affair and and the lies that occur...but she also apprehensively pointed out that it doesn't mean we are getting back together. "Yes I know that" I replied. "The issues before the affair are still there and it takes two to make a relationship work and right now we both aren't in it" (I lied..kind of). Funny thing is the more I NC/LC her the more I move on. She has so much soul searching to do and I truly hope she grows from this and doesn't rationalize it away. Even if we are not together in the end I still hope she grows from it. Question is where do I go from here. What is the real difference between NC and LC. It's very strange. Now that I know this man is out of her life, I feel I can move on for myself more than before. I still want to make the relationship work, but I am slowly but surely drifting away.

[floridapad]

Today My wife called, but I didn't pick up. She then texted me. "Hi, I guess you must have seen that I changed my status on facebook from married. I didn't know the whole world would see (I guess other people saw the status change but not me). I hope it did not hurt you." Hurt me? I expected it. But why does she keep on thinking I'm a wussy. I don't think I'm putting off those signals. I don't call her, but ocassionally talked about the affair only because he was resigning. I called her back and said no I hadn't seen it but thats pretty funny that you texted me to tell me. I chuckled a little bit, not sarcastically, but more in a comical way. She just apolgized and said " I didn't change it to single or anything I hope I didn't hurt you." I told her I was expecting her to and quite honestly changing your stauts on facebook is pretty small in the grand scheme of things. She spoke again and said Oh OK and she got a bit emotional. Probably because she sensed that I didn't care. I guess I set myself up for this. The counselor told me that in all her 20 years counseling she has never seen a man as in love with his wife as me. I told her this back in my blubbering/beggin days and I dug myself a whole of patheticness that is going to take some time to get out. Guys.....DO NOT BLUBBER. Do it outside the house or in your car and if you feel a 'moment' coming, tell your wife your going to the store. I do love her but thanks to everyone on LS I am getting my man card back. One day at a time. Damn it pisses me off that I was that way. I am ANGRY at myself and her.

[seibert253]

OK,

 

My wifes affair partner resigned from the workplace and I know for a fact that they haven't spoken in several weeks. He has moved on to be with his familly. I spoke breifly to my wife about it and she said she is slowly beginning to realize the whole fantasy of having an affair and and the lies that occur...but she also apprehensively pointed out that it doesn't mean we are getting back together. "Yes I know that" I replied. "The issues before the affair are still there and it takes two to make a relationship work and right now we both aren't in it" (I lied..kind of). Funny thing is the more I NC/LC her the more I move on. She has so much soul searching to do and I truly hope she grows from this and doesn't rationalize it away. Even if we are not together in the end I still hope she grows from it. Question is where do I go from here. What is the real difference between NC and LC. It's very strange. Now that I know this man is out of her life, I feel I can move on for myself more than before. I still want to make the relationship work, but I am slowly but surely drifting away.

 

Continue the path you've starting. You're doing great. If she comes back, great, if she doesn't, you're starting to heal.

 

Since you have children, and you are still married, you will need LC with her. Finances, child issues, but nothing else. If she calls, do not answer. Let it go to voicemail. If she texts or emails, don't respond. At least not right away. If it's something you need to talk about, kids, fiances, call her back on your terms, not hers.

 

The only thing that will bring her back to you is she needs to feel the pain of not having you at her beckon call, and to miss you. You cannot be "friends" with her. She will just continue to string you along as long as you let her.

 

For your sanity, and to give this a chance, you have to distance yourself from her. Do not "be there for her", she needs to experience life on her own, with out you. She will either enjoy this, or it will scare the hell out of her and she'll have the "what the hell am I doing" moment.

[seibert253]

Today My wife called, but I didn't pick up. She then texted me. "Hi, I guess you must have seen that I changed my status on facebook from married. I didn't know the whole world would see (I guess other people saw the status change but not me). I hope it did not hurt you." Hurt me? I expected it. But why does she keep on thinking I'm a wussy. I don't think I'm putting off those signals. I don't call her, but ocassionally talked about the affair only because he was resigning. I called her back and said no I hadn't seen it but thats pretty funny that you texted me to tell me. I chuckled a little bit, not sarcastically, but more in a comical way. She just apolgized and said " I didn't change it to single or anything I hope I didn't hurt you." I told her I was expecting her to and quite honestly changing your stauts on facebook is pretty small in the grand scheme of things. She spoke again and said Oh OK and she got a bit emotional. Probably because she sensed that I didn't care. I guess I set myself up for this. The counselor told me that in all her 20 years counseling she has never seen a man as in love with his wife as me. I told her this back in my blubbering/beggin days and I dug myself a whole of patheticness that is going to take some time to get out. Guys.....DO NOT BLUBBER. Do it outside the house or in your car and if you feel a 'moment' coming, tell your wife your going to the store. I do love her but thanks to everyone on LS I am getting my man card back. One day at a time. Damn it pisses me off that I was that way. I am ANGRY at myself and her.

 

Don't let her bait you into these conversations. Do not conversate about her life, what she's doing, yada, yada. You said it when you said you need to appear you don't care. THAT'S WHAT SHE NEEDS TO SEE, YOU DON'T GIVE A SH#T ANYMORE. That is the only thing that will bring her back.

 

It pretty simple, if you talk and she starts talking about herself, what she's doing, yada yada, stop it right there. Tell her you can talk about the children, finances, or what the two of you can do to fix your marriage, but that's it. Nothing else.

[CheatedOnHusband]

Flp, hindsight is 20/20, don't beat yourself on how you tried working on your marriage. Several of us were in that position. If I could predict the outcome of my case, I won't have 'pleaded' with wife that we do MC, as her mind was already hardened. I would have ceased contact from the onset. But we dod what we can to safe our marriage and in future we can be rest assured that we did all we could, no regrets!

[floridapad]

Thanks Seibert,

 

That is definately the game plan I will go with. Your right. If that doesn't work then I least I will have moved on. I have to tell you. My hope is dwindling everyday and I think I'm going to have let go of her soon. Holding on is making it difficult to move on. So much pain holding on to that last peice. But as they say, sometimes you have to let go of someone in order to get them/yourself back. I see the wisdom in that. The feeling of it sucks though.