So in love with a married man who used to be my boyfriend

[BROKENHEARTEDONE]

I am new here. I am "the other woman" and am having an emotional affair with a married man. He has a child and I have two. I am also married. Quite unfortunately, I believe I am in love with him. He was the first man I was ever "with" and no matter who I dated after we broke up, it was never quite the same with anyone else. Years passed, and I always missed him and wondered where he was and hoped he was happy and well.

 

Fast forward 15 years and he is now unhappily married to a woman with severe depression/PMS and I am married to a man I love but who has also had severe depression over the past five years and is now finally taking medication.

 

I started talking to my ex-boyfriend (the emotional affair) on a fluke 19 mos ago when he called me out of the blue. I was at "rock bottom" with my husband. My husband had been depressed and told me he wanted to leave me (again, this happened at least six other times in our 10 year marriage - twice when I was pregnant for our second child).

 

The phone call from "Randy" (not his real name) came at a time when I was so lonely and sad. He was everything I needed in a friend, a good listener, funny, sweet and we shared a common thread - our unhappy marriages.

 

I talk to him nearly every day at work and I look forward to those calls more than words can express. He lives hundreds of miles away most of the time but grew up in my area. I met him in high school, he was my first love and I have never gotten over him.

 

When I was happily married (and there were many good years), I never could understand affairs or people who had them. It is truly ironic to me that I find myself in this situation now. I am sure there are people who will read this and think terrible things about me. I am not proud of myself, and if I could wave a magic wand and bring back all those feelings for my husband that I used to have, I would do so. I love my husband and can't imagine being without him, but he just does not fulfill my emotional needs and has not for a long time now. We have tried counseling before and it seemed to make a difference for a while, but I am not sure that our marriage will ever be the same again.

 

After my husband told me he wanted to leave me, I was absolutely devastated and I believe I have never gotten over that. Then, when he said it several more times, I think I just put up an emotional wall that I now fear I can never take down.

 

When I think about these things and what I believe to be my love for Randy, it seems like an impossible situation. If I stay with my husband, will I spend another 11 years thinking maybe things will get better? If I leave him, I am taking my little boys away from their father - a thought which is just devastating to me. And anyway, Randy lives so far away, even if I did divorce my husband, what future would there be?

 

I can't stop thinking about Randy, he is always on my mind. I know people will just tell me that I should stop thinking about him and end my emotional affair, but the thought of being without him in my life makes me feel that I will have nothing to look forward to.

 

I am so lonely, sad and confused. If anyone has any suggestions, I would really appreciate it. Thanks for listening.

[tredulce]

Well, first of all, I'm young and I've never been married. But, the relationship I am in had a microcausm of your situation. He broke up with me numerous times because of his commitment issues, and I started to look at another guy. I broke up with guy number 1, and saw guy number 2 for awhile. He was a dud, and guy number one sorted out his issues and we got back together. My point it, I understand how easy it is to put up emotional walls after being hurt, and I see where you are coming from.

 

I think you need to communicate your feelings to Randy, and find out if there is a future there. You also need to talk to your husband. Maybe marriage counseling? You can't figure out a situation with 3 people in it without talking to two of them! I don't know if you've talked with themabout your feelings, but it didn't sound like you had. That's the first step.

 

As far as your kids, take it from a kid who grew up watching unhappy parents, it's better to get a divorce now/get things sorted out now rather than later. It does your kids no good. They could still see their Dad if you got joint custody...and they could potentially have a new Dad.

 

Good luck, I really feel for you, what a tough situation! Keep your head up, the sun WILL come out

[BROKENHEARTEDONE]

Hi Tre -

 

Thank you for your thoughts and ideas. My husband and I have tried marriage counseling, several sessions during two different periods in our marriage. He still has an alcohol problem he won't address. Last night he was drinking gin in the car on the way home. He claims he doesn't get drunk on just one glass and it's not dangerous for him to drive with that "little bit" of alcohol in his system. I am honestly at my wits end with him.

 

As far as Randy, I don't know that there is any hope for us, other than to remain friends. He has a good paying job which he doesn't want to leave, and he also doesn't want to destroy his family. So, he bears with his wife and hope she will get some help which she has so far been completely opposed to.

 

My husband started taking medication, then stopped for four days (he ran out of the samples and said he "lost" the prescription his doctor gave him). He hates taking medicine of any sort and I feel he resents me for suggesting that he needs it. Depression and alcoholism both run in his family and his father was depressed for years before he passed away.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

[toots307]

I too am young and have never been married but I was raised by a manic-depressive, alcoholic father and my mother stayed with him till us kids were 'old enough' to handle it. I don't resent my mother's decision to stay-it may very well have been the right thing. I can't imagine being a kid that went back and forth between parents and I can't imagine having stepparents. However, I learned some pretty negative things about love. I saw my lazy dad laying around all day while mom worked. He would drink and smoke and had enough money for those things but we couldn't go on class trips because we were the poor family that couldn't afford it. Long story short, I have chosen men in my life that are so much like my father. It's like I found comfort in that familiar situation. As different as each man was, they had all the negative qualities that I hated about my father. I finally broke that pattern but let me tell you, what you do and the love choices you make will affect your children. I strongly believe that 'Randy' should not be an issue right now. It sounds to me like he's a crutch - like leaving your husband and going to Randy will make leaving easier. Your husbands drinking problem is reason enough to leave. I promise you no matter how much you love your husband, no matter what you do or don't do, he will not stop drinking for you. I can't tell you how long it's taken me to accept that with regards to my father. He has a disease and he is the only one that can help himself. I also wanted to tell you this - you said your husband doesn't fulfill you emotionally - the only person that can fulfill you emotionally is YOU. It's a mistake to think you can get that from someone else - you won't find it in Randy either. Get good with you and everything else will follow. You in are my thoughts and prayers.

[tredulce]

I hate to say it, but your husband sounds pretty screwed up. And, that can't be good for kids. My Dad was a practicing alcoholic while my sisters (half sisters) were growing up. He sobered up before I was born, but you can look at my sisters and see that it affected them. They are both extremely emotionally screwed up and have had years of therapy. It's not good for your kids OR you!

 

YOu need to start worrying about you and concentrating on you. It's the best thing you can do. Good luck.