How the BS often feels. Just try to imagine this.

[Spark1111]

I read somewhere recently that it was about 70% of marriages are affected by infidelity.

 

RE: the 5%-- probably true, but interestingly 25% of relationships started off as mate-poaching. I take that to mean that only a fourth or so of R that start as affairs will work out.

 

 

Misty K, I've read that too.

 

Sad but true.

[MistyK]

Throw another woman into the picture though and now OW feels betrayed. Something must be wrong with him now. NOW he's a sex addict, before he just needed ME, his soul mate, to fill in all the gaps in his life that his ogre wife can't. Its wrong now because his cake eating a$$ is exposed. Does the OW say I must back down because he loves this OOW more? Does she say that maybe she wasn't fulfilling all of his needs? NOPE, all of a sudden him wanting 2 women is inherently WRONG... only something a cake eater would do. Yet OW were happy to be party to it when it was about THEM. Then his cheating was perfectly justified.

 

In fairness, now you're talking about 3 women, not 2. For the OW, it implies that MM is not just in a bad situation, but totally insatiable. It changes thing for the BS too, no doubt. For instance, consider the situation of a BS finding out that her H had 2 lovers. She can't sit there and think that her H was taken advantage of by some predatory OW, because he has 2. It changes the character of the man involved. Unless of course we want to surmise that all women are predatory and men are hapless victims

 

I'm certain I've never heard a BS say that was the OW's ONLY goal.

I can't believe any BS would consider her anything more than an unwelcome interloper, would absolutely question her respect for the institution of marriage, and would completely agree that she is contributing to the destruction of her marriage. I would also add self serving to the list.

 

And there's the auto-prejudice!

[donnamaybe]

And there's the auto-prejudice!

 

How is what IWWH said predjudical? She was merely stating what she assumed a BS would feel about an intruder into their marriage, and I'd be willing to bet she was pretty close. I mean, really - isn't that what you would think? I certainly would if I were in that situation.

[Spark1111]

The betrayal an OW would feel at their MM romancing his W is different than what we would feel if MM had another OW. We already know MM is "cheating" on us with his W but to bring another OW into the equation would change our perception from a MM who is stuck between a rock and a hard place to that of a soul-less sex addict. Personally, if I thought xMM had another OW, he'd have been gone a lot sooner. It would have changed my core beliefs about him.

 

Exactly, this is how MM have it so easy. No single guy could love, persue with the same ferocious zeal as a MM. Not unless he wanted a commitment. A MM has a built in excuse that he can't go any further. He also has this "secret" that he can share only with OW, which furthers the bond between them. An implied "your more important". He gets into a little hot water with her though when his words don't meet his actions.

 

Throw another woman into the picture though and now OW feels betrayed. Something must be wrong with him now. NOW he's a sex addict, before he just needed ME, his soul mate, to fill in all the gaps in his life that his ogre wife can't. Its wrong now because his cake eating a$$ is exposed. Does the OW say I must back down because he loves this OOW more? Does she say that maybe she wasn't fulfilling all of his needs? NOPE, all of a sudden him wanting 2 women is inherently WRONG... only something a cake eater would do. Yet OW were happy to be party to it when it was about THEM. Then his cheating was perfectly justified.

 

I don't think OW's have an automatic prejudice against BS's. But it does appear that BS's have an immediate perception of the OW as a homewrecking wh*re, an unwelcome interloper whose only goal is husband stealing, a backstabbing jezebel with no respect for the institution of marriage

 

I'm certain I've never heard a BS say that was the OW's ONLY goal.

I can't believe any BS would consider her anything more than an unwelcome interloper, would absolutely question her respect for the institution of marriage, and would completely agree that she is contributing to the destruction of her marriage. I would also add self serving to the list.

 

Great post. Yes, it is SELF-SERVING. And it is the only scenario that fits his needs and confusion. It allows him the best of both worlds, while diverting himself from what he truly needs to do: Self-introspection to determine what needs within himself he looks to others to satisfy.

 

Love is an action, not a whine of "my wife and I, we no longer connect;" "my husband and I have grown so distant."

 

Fix your own problems and make a choice about what and WHOM you want in your future, and stop leaving entire wakes of broken hearts in your path of destruction.

[Mimolicious]

Great convo going on here.

[NoIDidn't]

The betrayal an OW would feel at their MM romancing his W is different than what we would feel if MM had another OW. We already know MM is "cheating" on us with his W but to bring another OW into the equation would change our perception from a MM who is stuck between a rock and a hard place to that of a soul-less sex addict. Personally, if I thought xMM had another OW, he'd have been gone a lot sooner. It would have changed my core beliefs about him.

 

Exactly, this is how MM have it so easy. No single guy could love, persue with the same ferocious zeal as a MM. Not unless he wanted a commitment. A MM has a built in excuse that he can't go any further. He also has this "secret" that he can share only with OW, which furthers the bond between them. An implied "your more important". He gets into a little hot water with her though when his words don't meet his actions.

 

Throw another woman into the picture though and now OW feels betrayed. Something must be wrong with him now. NOW he's a sex addict, before he just needed ME, his soul mate, to fill in all the gaps in his life that his ogre wife can't. Its wrong now because his cake eating a$$ is exposed. Does the OW say I must back down because he loves this OOW more? Does she say that maybe she wasn't fulfilling all of his needs? NOPE, all of a sudden him wanting 2 women is inherently WRONG... only something a cake eater would do. Yet OW were happy to be party to it when it was about THEM. Then his cheating was perfectly justified.

 

Great synopsis!

 

I don't think OW's have an automatic prejudice against BS's. But it does appear that BS's have an immediate perception of the OW as a homewrecking wh*re, an unwelcome interloper whose only goal is husband stealing, a backstabbing jezebel with no respect for the institution of marriage

 

I'm certain I've never heard a BS say that was the OW's ONLY goal.

I can't believe any BS would consider her anything more than an unwelcome interloper, would absolutely question her respect for the institution of marriage, and would completely agree that she is contributing to the destruction of her marriage. I would also add self serving to the list.

 

The bolded quote is funny. What else would a woman think of the OW that's attempting to poach her mate? What? That the OW had the BW's best interests at heart? That she's her best friend or something? Hilarious.

 

The BW might not think homewrecking wh*re, but there is nothing wrong with the other descriptors because they often ring quite accurate.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

In fairness, now you're talking about 3 women, not 2.

 

Yes, so now an OW isn't able to justify the A as the miserable M's fault. Or the fact that he was so in love with her. Now its obvious that its about HIM.

 

For instance, consider the situation of a BS finding out that her H had 2 lovers. She can't sit there and think that her H was taken advantage of by some predatory OW, because he has 2. It changes the character of the man involved.

 

I think that even on the first Dday the character of the MM was changed in the BS's eyes. One thing she now knows for sure though is that both A's are about him, his problems. A 2nd OW would definitely drive that home. However, she probably gets that eventally even without a 2nd OP.

 

I just don't see how having 1 OW makes him of any better character or integrity than if he had 5. From most BS's side of the scope they are equivelant. I don't imagine any OW would feel worse if their MM had 1 OOW or more. One thing I know for sure is that he can't possibly have an OOW without also having an OW.

[jennie-jennie]

Apparrently, his OW wants him too.

 

This is interesting and often comes up. The OW basically saying, you shouldn't want him because he is a "soul-less, sex addict", so you should let me have him - with the implication that the OW can *change* him into a better man (LOL). Never makes any sense to me.

 

Well, I believe the Other Women on this thread were saying they would drop the MM at once if he had another OW, while the BS usually takes the bastard back on Dday.

[jennie-jennie]

Ahhh, beware, beware of this man, because the inverse of all that passionate anger is ......passion which could be love.

 

They say when a man is "done" in a relationship, he becomes incredibly distant--no anger, no passion.....nothing. She could be lit on fire while standing next to him and he barely notices.

 

When a relationship is over for a woman, she feels contempt towards him: in her voice, her actions --everything. Not bitterness, but expressed contempt. All respect totally gone.

 

Men and women are so different.

 

If this is true, women should learn of men, since as long as feelings are there, good or bad, the bond is not gone.

[jennie-jennie]

jennie-Jennie, happens everyday. Maybe he married too young and wants to sample oranges because he has had only apples. Or he likes a type of kink his wife does not; or he wonders about what it would be like to be with a red head, and she's a blonde.

 

It doesn't mean he does not passionately love his wife. It only means he feels entitled to sample a variety of fruits and he is better at compartmentalizing his physical extra-curricular activities. It means "nothing" to him emotionally.

 

He thinks, "what she doesn't know, can't hurt her."

 

Yuck.

 

How many married men have affairs? About 60 percent. How many leave their wives for their lover because they fell in love? Less than 5 percent.

 

It happens every day.

 

How many of the ones who stayed with their wives did it even though they had fallen in love with someone else?

[donnamaybe]

How many of the ones who stayed with their wives did it even though they had fallen in love with someone else?

 

There is no way anyone could know that because, simply put, an MM is going to lie to keep an OW dangling on that string if saying "I love you" is what it takes. Doesn't mean it's true. Hell, teenage boys have used that line to get in a girl's pants since the dawn of man! lol

[MistyK]

The bolded quote is funny. What else would a woman think of the OW that's attempting to poach her mate? What? That the OW had the BW's best interests at heart? That she's her best friend or something? Hilarious.

 

The BW might not think homewrecking wh*re, but there is nothing wrong with the other descriptors because they often ring quite accurate.

 

Again, I totally get that. And I would probably feel the same way. But that's why there's an automatic dislike for OW by BS on LS. That's all I'm getting at. It comes through in the a lot of the BS's that post on this forum. Nobody bothers to get to "know" the OW before they start ripping her to shreds.

[silktricks]

Again, I totally get that. And I would probably feel the same way. But that's why there's an automatic dislike for OW by BS on LS. That's all I'm getting at. It comes through in the a lot of the BS's that post on this forum. Nobody bothers to get to "know" the OW before they start ripping her to shreds.

 

 

there really is shredding in both directions.. OW just don't recognize it for shredding when it's directed to the BS

[Spark1111]

jennie-Jennie, happens everyday. Maybe he married too young and wants to sample oranges because he has had only apples. Or he likes a type of kink his wife does not; or he wonders about what it would be like to be with a red head, and she's a blonde.

 

It doesn't mean he does not passionately love his wife. It only means he feels entitled to sample a variety of fruits and he is better at compartmentalizing his physical extra-curricular activities. It means "nothing" to him emotionally.

 

He thinks, "what she doesn't know, can't hurt her."

 

Yuck.

 

 

 

How many of the ones who stayed with their wives did it even though they had fallen in love with someone else?

 

But that's the part that doesn't make sense to me Jenny. So many men, shown the door by the enraged BS after DDAY, now hop off the fence they've been sitting on and start to pursue their marriage partner as aggressively as they did their affair partner.

 

Or, even worse, get thrown out, separated and or divorced and STILL DO NOT COMMIT to the affair partner. Too many to count. So many, it is almost a cliched stereotype. So sad.

 

How many BSs, after DDay, discover in addition to the OW/OM, a lot of strange behaviors: secret bank accounts, gambling addictions, bar-hopping, and yes, flirtations, emails, texts, with people OTHER than the OW/OM. Also a sad cliche.

[2sure]

 

 

I dont know by how many, but their numbers just increased by one, me.

 

Any advice Ive given here must be discarded.

 

I feel it is quite possible, I am the most foolish woman alive.

[jennie-jennie]

But that's the part that doesn't make sense to me Jenny. So many men, shown the door by the enraged BS after DDAY, now hop off the fence they've been sitting on and start to pursue their marriage partner as aggressively as they did their affair partner.

 

Or, even worse, get thrown out, separated and or divorced and STILL DO NOT COMMIT to the affair partner. Too many to count. So many, it is almost a cliched stereotype. So sad.

 

How many BSs, after DDay, discover in addition to the OW/OM, a lot of strange behaviors: secret bank accounts, gambling addictions, bar-hopping, and yes, flirtations, emails, texts, with people OTHER than the OW/OM. Also a sad cliche.

 

On this we totally agree.

[Spark1111]

jennie-Jennie, happens everyday. Maybe he married too young and wants to sample oranges because he has had only apples. Or he likes a type of kink his wife does not; or he wonders about what it would be like to be with a red head, and she's a blonde.

 

It doesn't mean he does not passionately love his wife. It only means he feels entitled to sample a variety of fruits and he is better at compartmentalizing his physical extra-curricular activities. It means "nothing" to him emotionally.

 

He thinks, "what she doesn't know, can't hurt her."

 

But that's the part that doesn't make sense to me Jenny. So many men, shown the door by the enraged BS after DDAY, now hop off the fence they've been sitting on and start to pursue their marriage partner as aggressively as they did their affair partner.

 

Or, even worse, get thrown out, separated and or divorced and STILL DO NOT COMMIT to the affair partner. Too many to count. So many, it is almost a cliched stereotype. So sad.

 

How many BSs, after DDay, discover in addition to the OW/OM, a lot of strange behaviors: secret bank accounts, gambling addictions, bar-hopping, and yes, flirtations, emails, texts, with people OTHER than the OW/OM. Also a sad cliche.

 

Like I did. And he did seem strange, "off," soooo unlike himself. And he did blame and badmouth me to her. And she did buy into it, and want to rescue him and live happily ever after.

 

And, as I have stated often on this forum, I have only empathy for her, for the lies he told her in his confusion to keep it going, to be adored and to remain the center of attention, the hero, in her world.

 

And I did entertain vengeful thoughts against her. For about five seconds. He did think of marrying her, for the first six months. Then, he ran to her to keep those feel good juices flowing for another year. He started trawling for the next "new" person who could recreate that "high" fueled by admiration.

 

And even today, if I ever bumped into her, I would NEVER disclose that piece of information to her. She, he, I have all really had enough heartache.

 

What would be the point?

[Devil Inside]

 

 

I dont know by how many, but their numbers just increased by one, me.

 

Any advice Ive given here must be discarded.

 

I feel it is quite possible, I am the most foolish woman alive.

 

Ummm...what happened? I actually love some of your advice.

[Spark1111]

Ummm...what happened? I actually love some of your advice.

 

 

Come back to us 2sure! What happened? Were you, too, a cliche? Should I PM you about the dopamine dance? The spike and crash of feel-good chemicals in the brain? Patterns of behavior and hormones that re-inforce addictive, although self-destructive behaviors?

 

You are too smart for me to tell you anything new.

 

Come back 2sure!

[NoIDidn't]

 

 

I dont know by how many, but their numbers just increased by one, me.

 

Any advice Ive given here must be discarded.

 

I feel it is quite possible, I am the most foolish woman alive.

 

Hugs, 2sure! You are NOT the most foolish woman alive. I am so angry for you, though, you just posted recently that you were starting to get your trust in yourself back! Grrrr!!!!!

 

Please don't go! And, please, PLEASE don't feel foolish. It really happens more than anyone cares to admit (the numbers you say increased by you). You are not alone.

[Mino]

I respect your posts so often Sid, but I have a dispute with this one or rather a question first: do you believe you can be in love with two people at the same time? I know I can't but that's just me. That is why most people, not just OPs, believe the love over in love ideal with regard to the MM and his W.

 

Although if it is possible for a person to be in love with two people than your theory may be correct.

WF, I agree with you. I cannot be in love with two people either. My xmm cares about the mother of his child, but in love, loving feelings, nope... nada. But that is what we BS will always argue about with the OW/OM. Because in order to stay in the M they have to have a belief that it is because H still is in love with them. I just wonder how they continue with this belief, after they have had 2, 3 , 4 different D- days? Does the belief for BS ever wear off? Nope, not in most cases, because many BS, in mho don't care about the "love, its about perserving the image, money, status, just the same reason why the mm stays in many cases. Now I am not talking about a mm who messes up once, shows remorse and works to healing a M again. I am speaking of long term A mm...

[GorillaTheater]

 

 

I dont know by how many, but their numbers just increased by one, me.

 

Any advice Ive given here must be discarded.

 

I feel it is quite possible, I am the most foolish woman alive.

 

Just saw this (I don't wander over on this side too often). You are one of the wisest posters on LS. Please keep posting, and know that you have many people, here and elsewhere, all pulling for you.

[Snowflower]

 

 

I dont know by how many, but their numbers just increased by one, me.

 

Any advice Ive given here must be discarded.

 

I feel it is quite possible, I am the most foolish woman alive.

 

 

2sure, I hope everything is okay. You're one of my favorite posters.

 

We're here for you if you need us...

[fooled once]

Well, I believe the Other Women on this thread were saying they would drop the MM at once if he had another OW, while the BS usually takes the bastard back on Dday.

 

Well, the wife has a history with him. The wife has a vested interest in the marriage. The wife may have a family with him. Sure, many OW probably get excited when DD happens because they believe that now the man will come to her.

 

But that doesn't happen in the majority of cases.

[2sure]

Man, I love you all - I really mean that. I'm living in hell right now, but I think that the strength and encoragement and advice Ive been getting here for so long is ...well, I guess I accidentally found this place and all of you for a reason. I'm strong enough to get through this. Of that I'm sure.

 

My H's newest infidelity is not something I am ready to even verbalize but something I did kind of see coming. Bizarro. I'm going to post about it...

But to be honest, I'm kind of not reallyt myself. I'm here now just because I dont want to drink.