How the BS often feels. Just try to imagine this.

[NoIDidn't]

Okay, so a couple of the OW have weighed in and have given a 'thumbs down' to being cheated on with another OW.

 

I wonder. What if the OW discovered (post d'day, confession, evidence, etc...) that their MP was actually a sex addict? And that the affair tied into the satisfaction of this compulsion?

 

I think they would rightly feel used, but I think they would wrongly think that the W should divorce him just because they felt used.

 

He was the W's problem before they decided to get into an affair with them. Them getting out of the picture never changes that, but somehow it always seems to read that if the OW isn't with him, the W shouldn't be either.

[Dexter Morgan]

Once again, we were discussing MM with TWO other women simultaneously. My MM has had very few sex partners at all in his life. He certainly would not entertain the thought of having two OW at the same time. Believe it or not, he just is not that kind of guy.

 

 

no, point was, a MM is a bastard for cheating on his wife, and not having the balls to do right by her and divorce her.

[SoAddicted]

I think they would rightly feel used, but I think they would wrongly think that the W should divorce him just because they felt used.

 

He was the W's problem before they decided to get into an affair with them. Them getting out of the picture never changes that, but somehow it always seems to read that if the OW isn't with him, the W shouldn't be either.

 

In all honesty I would feel the W was even more justified in staying with her H. Putting myself in the shoes of the W it would be easier for me to work on my M if my husband was having meaningless sex with women and had a addiction over him falling in love with another woman.

 

And yes, if my MM was a SA I would feel used. Only b/c he has told me he was in love with me, if I was a OW and it was only a PA with no emotions of feelings then I wouldn't care.

[White Flower]

White Flower, so good to hear from you again.....

 

This is the part that causes all the pain; the OW being led to believe her love is the more important to him.

 

Is he lying to her? I do not think HE THINKS he is....

 

He may be unhappy, confused, lonely and the OW wants to rescue him from that unhappiness with the IMPLIED BELIEF that she will one day win him forever.

 

That IS a highly romanticized and sexually charged scenario to live in......for years.

 

That is a devastating scenario to a discovering loyal and faithful spouse, often taking years to overcome.

 

How do these people get to wreak such havoc on so many lives out of their own sense of entitlement and emotional CONFUSION?????

 

Look, here I am two years later spending my precious lunch hour STILL seeking understanding!

Again, you have shown that you see all side of the scenario and empathize with all three in pain. True enough that the havoc-wreaker is the one who cannot seem to overcome his emotional confusion and invites one or more into his web of mystification in order to satisfy his own needs, causing them to experience years of pain and soul-searching.

[White Flower]

Man, I love you all - I really mean that. I'm living in hell right now, but I think that the strength and encoragement and advice Ive been getting here for so long is ...well, I guess I accidentally found this place and all of you for a reason. I'm strong enough to get through this. Of that I'm sure.

 

My H's newest infidelity is not something I am ready to even verbalize but something I did kind of see coming. Bizarro. I'm going to post about it...

But to be honest, I'm kind of not reallyt myself. I'm here now just because I dont want to drink.

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs. Hang in there sweetie. Yet another mountain, but you'll get over it. You always do. Be strong.

[White Flower]

TF, I'd have to tell you that this is exactly what most of us said...

 

My wife and I had always said the same thing...I'd mentioned years ago that if she ever cheated on me I'd be gone so fast there'd be a hole in the air where I was standing.

 

Turns out that when it DID happen, I fought to save our marriage tooth and nail. Now, she's darned happy that I did...we're doing great now.

 

But it's really hard to guess what you would do until you're actually there. Heck...I was surprised that I fought so hard to save our marriage.

This is so true Owl, we just never know what we would do until it happens.

 

With all due respect to TF, she has seen...grown up with infidelity all around her. It was a part of her life and she developed a forgiving attitude concerning it. She may thinks she'll never stand for it if it were to happen to her with MM, but only time and experience will give her the true answer in the future.

 

I'm surprised what I have been able to forgive in my life.

[White Flower]

JJ, I have seen it work both ways on both boards and so have you.

 

There is a lot of self-righteousness and value-based justifying of the "rightness" and "wrongness" of all actions from both sides.

 

Interesting how everyone can relate to the pain of betrayal a BS feels, but that is not what I asked for.

 

I asked others to imagine their lover betrayed them with.....another lover.

While I find the thread very interesting I will repeat myself and say that I was always understanding of all camps involved. I think it is a good approach and you'll reach some, but others already had empathy for the W in the first place.

 

Some just judge and fight because they like to judge and fight.

[White Flower]

 

And the pain of affairs is a little different. I'm not saying who hurts more, that's a fruitless discussion that we've had here many times. But the person that is caught off-guard in the discovery of their mate's cheating doesn't have the luxury of time and knowing about it all along. I think it is this part that will ALWAYS differentiate OPs from BSs.

 

The betrayal part is what differentiates the pain of the BS from that of the OP. The BS is betrayed by someone/s. The OP betrays mostly themselves.

I'm going to think out loud here. The first paragraph resonated for me in the beginning because I thought I was the first OW, the only OW and I did feel I had the luxury of knowing about it all along. Then I got my azz kicked; I found out I was not the first, and his exOW's were still scratching at the door, doors that he never really closed. All of a sudden, I don't have the luxury of knowing about HIM all along. Just the luxury of knowing about him and I. How confusing is that?

 

The second paragraph resonates because the OP does betray himself/herself. Yet, the WS aided in that betrayal and he/she had the luxury of knowing about it all along.

 

This kind of discovery can take about a year out of your life.

[White Flower]

jennie-Jennie, happens everyday. Maybe he married too young and wants to sample oranges because he has had only apples. Or he likes a type of kink his wife does not; or he wonders about what it would be like to be with a red head, and she's a blonde.

 

It doesn't mean he does not passionately love his wife. It only means he feels entitled to sample a variety of fruits and he is better at compartmentalizing his physical extra-curricular activities. It means "nothing" to him emotionally.

 

He thinks, "what she doesn't know, can't hurt her."

 

How many married men have affairs? About 60 percent. How many leave their wives for their lover because they fell in love? Less than 5 percent.

 

It happens every day.

Again, you know your stuff. I asked MM about all this in his early serial years and it was basically like this. He had passion for all of them and they didn't now the others existed. I think sex addiction and compartmentalization played key roles in his success at getting what he wanted and keeping it all secret. Oh and 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her.'

[OWoman]

Let's say you discover by accident that your lover has another OW/OM, one they are treating exactly like you; speaking words of undying devotion to EXACTLY like they do to you; having sex off the charts with them as they do with you; talk of a future with them, exactly as they do to you.

 

How would this make you feel? Would it devastate you? Would your world, as you know it come crashing down around you?

 

For me, the issue would not be the multiplicity of lovers - I have no issue with that. But the "discover by accident" suggests that the MM was not open with the OW about this - and to me, that dishonesty would be a deal-breaker.

[NoIDidn't]

For me, the issue would not be the multiplicity of lovers - I have no issue with that. But the "discover by accident" suggests that the MM was not open with the OW about this - and to me, that dishonesty would be a deal-breaker.

 

We agree on something, OWoman. LOL.

 

I was/am the same way. I was willing to be the OW as long as I was the ONLY OW. More than me and lying about it meant that I walked. Period.

[NoIDidn't]

I'm going to think out loud here. The first paragraph resonated for me in the beginning because I thought I was the first OW, the only OW and I did feel I had the luxury of knowing about it all along. Then I got my azz kicked; I found out I was not the first, and his exOW's were still scratching at the door, doors that he never really closed. All of a sudden, I don't have the luxury of knowing about HIM all along. Just the luxury of knowing about him and I. How confusing is that?

 

The second paragraph resonates because the OP does betray himself/herself. Yet, the WS aided in that betrayal and he/she had the luxury of knowing about it all along.

 

This kind of discovery can take about a year out of your life.

 

 

(((White FLower)))

 

I was here before. I was dating a guy that I knew had an on-again-off-again GF (or so he told me), who then got engaged to her. I've mentioned him before here many times.

 

I asked him where his engagement left "us". He told me about at least four other "us"es that he had. I was gone. And it was the last time that I ever helped a guy cheat on someone else. I know exactly what you mean about only having the luxury of knowing about the one "us" that I was a part of, and not the others.

 

I know who he is now, and know to stay far FAR away from him.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm going to think out loud here. The first paragraph resonated for me in the beginning because I thought I was the first OW, the only OW and I did feel I had the luxury of knowing about it all along. Then I got my azz kicked; I found out I was not the first, and his exOW's were still scratching at the door, doors that he never really closed. All of a sudden, I don't have the luxury of knowing about HIM all along. Just the luxury of knowing about him and I. How confusing is that?

 

The second paragraph resonates because the OP does betray himself/herself. Yet, the WS aided in that betrayal and he/she had the luxury of knowing about it all along.

 

This kind of discovery can take about a year out of your life.

 

 

I wish it only took me a year. . Maybe it was the after that lead to the extended drama. Do you still have triggers?

[Spark1111]

I wish it only took me a year. . Maybe it was the after that lead to the extended drama. Do you still have triggers?

 

So you do understand, White Flower, how a BS feels when she thinks SHE is the only woman in his life.

 

I wanted to take "my marriage stinks," out of the equation.

 

It is no different than an OW, finding out about another OOW.

 

It is devastating for all of us.

 

And our aptitude for forgiveness can be an amazing surprise to us all.

 

Bent, i'm sure anyone whose heart is broken by deception, has triggers.

 

Both camps have so much more in common than they care to admit.

 

We both fall in love with men who lie, omit and compartmentalize.

[White Flower]

(((White FLower)))

 

I was here before. I was dating a guy that I knew had an on-again-off-again GF (or so he told me), who then got engaged to her. I've mentioned him before here many times.

 

I asked him where his engagement left "us". He told me about at least four other "us"es that he had. I was gone. And it was the last time that I ever helped a guy cheat on someone else. I know exactly what you mean about only having the luxury of knowing about the one "us" that I was a part of, and not the others.

 

I know who he is now, and know to stay far FAR away from him.

Thanks NID.

 

It's hard to believe he admitted four other OPs. Why do you think he did that? Was it that you were so empathetic and understanding that he thought you could be his confessor? I do believe MM has been grateful to share some of his secrets with me. Some of them are just unbelievable.

 

That is the stuff that drives me crazy. He knows his W would dump him in a heart beat if she knew what I knew. I believe it is cowardice on his part ( to keep the secret and live the lie) because he can't take the knowledge that he would be the 'bad guy' in his adult kid's eyes if his BW were to explain why she left him. Very selfish on his part. He could set her free, have who he really wants, and in time his kids would forgive him. So simple yet he's so afraid to face his demons.

[White Flower]

I wish it only took me a year. . Maybe it was the after that lead to the extended drama. Do you still have triggers?

When I say a year, I mean I literally floundered. I had to look for work because I was laid off, I had to quit school until I figured out how my loan mod would work out, I still had to adjust to living as a single mother after D and take care of everything as usual and deal with a dying brother.

 

Finding out your MM is a serial cheater during all of this wasn't the best of timing. The discovery of that was the worst of it until my brother died. It will make or break you. I'm doing much better now.

 

I think I will always have triggers. I guess I should start a thread about all of this but you know I'll get flamed galore and it really hasn't been the best two years for me. Sorry for the t/j Spark.

 

Yes, Spark, I do understand what it feels like to discover you are not the only woman in your man's life. I felt that with my exH and with MM. It hurts deeply.

 

Discovering OOWs might even be worse in that it cheapens what you believed to be so special, so real, and so deep. At least when a MM has only a W and an OW he can be sincere when he says he is getting from one what he is not getting from another (and even then he is misplacing his focus). A serial cheater is just using them all for toys and games...to fulfill his inflated ego with meaningless sex...probably because he never knew what love was in the first place.

 

I agree with your thoughtful phrases:

 

It is devastating for all of us.

 

Our aptitude for forgiveness can be an amazing surprise to us all.

 

Both camps have so much more in common than they care to admit.

 

We both fall in love with men who lie, omit, and compartmentalize.

 

Thanks for a thought-provoking thread Spark. I really hope BS and OP can help out more without the snide remarks and judgments. We can all learn so much more without that.