married20years Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 I know this is not a new topic to married couples throughout the world, and it's certainly not new to this forum - but the crux of this particular situation might have a new variation to it? You tell me. I have read that it's nearly impossible to maintain the level of lust and infatuation that nature blesses us with in the early stages of a relationship, but here I am, 20 years married with two children, and up until 6 months ago, I found myself desperately in love with my husband. Just the way that his hair would hit his neck, and the veins in his arms were enough to get me fired up. But somehow, it has evaporated, and yes, I know this didn't happen over night. It began at the onset of our relationship. We were never sexually compatible. I wanted it all the time, he didn't. I wanted it every which way 'til Sunday, he didn't. I loved him and was so enamored with him that I felt this was something we could develop and improve on over time, and we didn't. Recently I woke up one morning and asked myself, do I want to spend the rest of my life feeling undesired and unsatisfied, and the answer was a resounding no. For 20 years I've tried bringing this subject up to my husband, and it's not an easy thing to discuss, so it started with ginger little steps, to where I am now saying, "I'm done." However, after 20 years of begging and pleading, and never finding resolution, the phrase "I'm done", is the only thing that has struck a chord with him, but now it's too late. I'm terrified of getting a divorce and what it will do to my kids, but settling one day longer feels like torture. I've raised my children to fight for what they believe it, to be true to themselves, and to never settle, and yet that is all that I have done in my own situation. I thought taking a lover would be a perfectly reasonable option, I've been faithful for 20 years, but have needs that I've put on hold for just as long, and I'm done waiting. My husband tells me he loves me and is saddened that he has never been able to express it in ways that mean something to me, this leaves me feeling selfish. I do not want to hurt him, but I feel as though I've been living a personal lie, and do not see any light at the end of the tunnel. He is still a beautiful, handsome man - full of life, exciting, a wonderful father and provider, and is truly my best friend. It is totally unnatural for me to not feel attracted to him, but I know that the next time we try to be intimate, it will not be fulfilling for me, and that is enough to turn me off to the idea. I've tried toys, porn, I even brought another woman into the picture....I am truly at a loss. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 20, taking a lover is the worst possible thing you could do. You have talked about the lessons you have tried to teach your kids, how would they respond if anybody found out? Is that how you want to raise them, that deceit and cheating are OK? Get the divorce. You will still be an honest person, and both of you will have a chance at fulfillment. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 crap, married, you're scaring me because this sounds eerily like my own marriage, sans kids or attempts to spice it up (because I know it'd freak out my little redneck gringo). All I can ask is, 'is there anything worth staying together for?' Not for the kids' sake but for YOUR sake? don't make a snap judgement, but weigh out the good and the bad of the marriage, and tell him that you NEED to address the issue of sexuality because it's fast turning into a deal-breaker. Might be that a prescription for "fix-a-flop," anti-depressants or even something to address waning levels of "boy hormones" might do wonders. Exhaust all avenues before throwing in the towel, that way you can honestly say, "I did my best." hugs, q and now for some tacky humor ... What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? You can't make a vitamin ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author married20years Posted August 24, 2009 Author Share Posted August 24, 2009 Thank you both for your input. Link to post Share on other sites
Scottdmw Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 Married-- it sounds like you are going through a very confusing time, feeling like you are missing out on something and afraid that it will continue. Afraid that you see a part of your life pass you by. So, your feelings of love are very low right now. That does not mean that they will always be that way. If you choose to stay together and work on your relationship, there is a very good chance that you can feel that way again with your husband. Have you tried marriage counseling? If not you owe it to yourself to try it. It is true, you might be able to find a lover or even get a divorce and find a boyfriend, and recapture the intensity of feeling, for a time. Then your feelings for the new man would fade too. You would have to find yet another man. Meanwhile, your children would be left in a difficult situation, without the love and stability of having both parents loving them together that children need to really grow up well. Is your sex life really worth the well-being of your children? Also consider that it might not be as easy as you think to find another man that you would really want to be with, many people have a lot of trouble with dating and go long periods of time without finding someone. You have in your mind a fantasy image of the man you would find and how great he would be, with none of the things that you have trouble liking in your husband. Have you considered what the reality might be like? The man you find might be a lot worse than your husband in many many ways. Sure as a woman you can always get a man for pure sex, but if you want to find a relationship it's not that easy. If you've been married 20 years you can't be that young. When you met your husband you were in a pretty good position, single men outnumber single women in the age range under 35. Older than 35 and it’s the other way, the men have the upper hand because there are fewer of them. You say you don't want to “settle”. If you leave the good man and good marriage that you have right now, in a year or two you might find yourself settling indeed, settling for a man with terrible morals, bad teeth, unemployed, major emotional baggage, emotionally distant, overweight, or pick your problem. Consider the feelings of this new man towards your children. He is not going to want to help you raise them, if you are lucky he will tolerate them in return for sex, and maybe pick them up from school once in a while if you ask really nicely. If you are not lucky he may abuse them. The kinky sex may lose its lustre after you have to use it as currency to get the basic help that your husband gives out of love. Is all that really worth it just to get better sex? I would say, by all means don't settle, fight for your marriage instead. Scott Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 I would try marriage counseling or an affair may be on the horizon and that is a lonely and painful road to take. Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 I was lucky - married someone who is sexually compatible with me. If I had been unlucky - wife not that interested in sex, despite lots of talking, gentle encouragement could never get it to happen I would have asked her straight: Either come to a MC with me and ACTIVELY work to address this OR admit that sex is not important to you at all, and that you are therefore going to give me permission to discretely fullfill my needs with a lover. This is NOT deceptive. It is NOT immoral. Her husband took some vows - the FIRST ONE - the FIRST VOW - is to "LOVE" your spouse. What the heck do you think "LOVE" means in a marital/biblical context? He is in BREACH of his vows and has been for much of the marriage. And I would bet my car (ok - not my house - but my car) that he has always obfuscated, denied, avoided direct honest communication about his desires, her desires and how bad she felt about his behavior. THAT is deceiptful and disrespectful. Way worse then having a lover on the side who is not "secret". Then it is his choice. He can either fix it - which maybe he can't/won't, let his wife get her needs filled elsewhere, or divorce her. 20, taking a lover is the worst possible thing you could do. You have talked about the lessons you have tried to teach your kids, how would they respond if anybody found out? Is that how you want to raise them, that deceit and cheating are OK? Get the divorce. You will still be an honest person, and both of you will have a chance at fulfillment. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 the mismatched libido is always a difficult one. It used to drive me mad and I even threatened to leave at one point, but sometimes I try and put myself in my wife's shoes, especially after experiencing a few days of non existent sex drive a couple of months ago... boy, wasn't I dead down there! I don't know why it happened (maybe stress), but I for sure learnt what it means to have a low sex drive! So, now I know and I'm much more patient with my wife. I know what it means not to feel anything and how awful it must be to be pestered for sex all the time. I can only suggest MC and, although highly frustrating, try and be patient with your husband. At the end of the day, it all boils down to compromise, but the compromise must be genuine... Link to post Share on other sites
grogster Posted August 28, 2009 Share Posted August 28, 2009 An Affair, at first blush, appears like an ideal resolution: hot sex with a FWB while your marriage (and more importantly, your family) stay intact. Does cheating always doom a marriage? No. But it brings its own set of risks--std's, discovery, guilt, shame, love. An affair will change the very feel, the very texture of your attachment towards your husband. Sometimes the change is slight and temporary. Other times, when, for example the wayward spouse falls in love with her affair partner, the affectional ties that bind the marriage are frayed to a string. What's a frustrated spouse to do when she's in a long term marriage with a loving husband and kids but is absolutely miserable because of 20-years of deep-seated sexual incompatability? Run to Divorce Court? Suck it up for the kids? Find a FWB who can scratch that deep erotic itch? Every solution has risks and costs. Only your true level of unhappiness will determine how much you're willing to pay and how much risk you're willing to bear. Link to post Share on other sites
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