A some-what difficult situation with my ex of 5 years

[dutch]

I'm in a situation now where myself and my ex-girlfriend of 5 years are in a "seeing other people" stage. I know it sounds like the usual blow off, but it's different with us. We started dating my junior (her sophmore) year of high school and fell completely in love. We decided to go to college at the same school, and now we're both 21. Our interests are the same, our families treat the other like part of their own, we never seriously fought, we've been on vacations with eachother, anything and everything you could think of being part of a great relationship we had it. However, two years ago my ex realized what we had going. She had never dated anyone before me and decided she wanted to take time apart later down the road to make sure she wasn't cheating herself before we got married (I had dated before, and was settled on marrying her). This was two years ago mind you, so we played it cool for another two years- just as great if not better than the first two. Then one day this summer (beginning of June) she gives me a call and says now would be a good time to take that break since she was home and I was taking summer classes. I knew that day was going to come sooner or later, so I had no choice but to agree. She saw a guy for about a month shortly after that, and things fell through. The entire time, except for about the whole month of July, we were talking. Then school started before I knew it and now she's back here in town. We talk and see eachother a couple of times a week. Of course we talk about the relationship, but she gets frustrated sometimes when she doesn't know how to answer my questions. She does insist she is still in love with me, and can still see herself marrying me, but needs more time. It's getting close to six months since the breakup and a new guy has come up. It's only been one date so far, but it's really affecting me since it's been a long time since she has seen anyone. I'm in love with her as much as ever, but I'm looking for some direction. Has anyone been through a similar experience? I don't usually refer to online discussion boards, but I don't see how it could hurt. Thanks for any input.

 

Dutch from North Alabama

[laylia2]

What you're going through is obviously very hard for you, Dutch.

 

From what you told us, my opinion on the subject is this: you gotta give her time and space. She's obviously confused. And she's being very honest with you by sharing her thoughts and feelings with you. That's a hard thing to do when she doesn't want to hurt you. I'm sure that you appreciate her honesty in this situation, but keep it in mind as much as possible, because hopefully, it will get you through this. I've posted in other lines the same kind of advice and I'll probably be known to say it again. Time and honesty. Honesty in these sitauions is the KEY to getting through this. It's hard. It's unbelievably hard, but you've got to be willing to talk about it when she needs to and take in her thoughts and feelings the best you can. Likewise, you need to be absolutely honest with her in return. Tell her that you love her and that this is hurting you but that you respect her need for space at this time.

 

Perhaps, to make things easier for you to deal with, you should suggest some real space between you for a while. Let her know that you're available and willing to talk anytime she wants to discuss relationship stuff, but perhaps for the time being (maybe with a actual date deadline in place) you should only see each other for the purposes of dicussing your relationship. Of course, this is only if you think it would make it easier on your head to go about it this way.

 

The scary thing here, Dutch, is that there is the possibility that she may not end up wanting to get back together with you. That's why these situations are always so hard. You don't know the outcome. But the bottom line is that if she decides she doesn't want to marry you after all, you're going to have to respect that and walk away. It'll be the hardest thing you ever do, but you will have to do it, if she asks. If you don't you'll lose her as a friend as well as a girlfriend. If she has meant this much to you so far, you'll probably be better off with her as a friend in the long run if she choses to walk away.

 

I hope, for your sake, that she doesn't walk away... and it certainly is a possibility that she'll realize that you're the only man for her and get over her uncertainties.

 

Keep your head up. No matter what comes out of this, this girl obviously cares a great deal for you and will always love you even if it does end up being as friends. Trust in that, because she wouldn't be going about things in such an honest way if she didn't care so deeply for you.

 

Good luck with it.