I just feel like crap - when will it end?

[now_what]

This past year has been the worst of my life - just horrible. I was feeling better, I really was, but now I feel like I am just starting all over again. To summarize:

 

August 26, 2008 - it was our 30th wedding anniversary, my now ex celebrated it by bolting out of the house as fast as he could while I was taking my daughter to band practice. He didn't want to have to do anything with me, he went off to be with his girlfriend - which I didn't now about at the time.

 

August 27, 2008 - I was just numb, the night before we had it out. I told him I couldn't live like this anymore, and I asked him if he even loved me , he just looked down and said he could not answer that question.

 

September 11, my ex and I sat together watching my daughter's band practice and talked about how we were looking forward to going out to dinner the next night.

 

September 12, I check my hotmail account at work and find an email from my ex stating that he had moved out of the house and to not try to contact him. I go home and find that he has moved all of his stuff out. He left an envelope on the stove that contained his cell phone, debit card, and wedding ring. In our bedroom where his things had been he left a pillow on the floor that I had given him - it was in the shape of a big conversation heart and said "I Love You"

 

September 14 - Remnants of Hurricane Ike pass through Ohio knocking out our power for 5 days. It's just me and my 16 year old daughter coping with no electric and no husband/dad around.

 

September 18 - he finally contacts me (email at work) and tells me he is living in some little podunk town. I ask him to please come home to try to work things out and he said no, he was happy in his current situation. He did not hate me, but he was now living with a woman who he had been seeing for two months. He wanted a dissolution as soon as possible.

 

 

Between September 12 and January 26 he did not speak one word to me, not a single word, would only email. On that date we go to an attorneys office to file the agreement we had worked out by email.

 

October 15, my 12 year old lab is diagnosed with cancer.

 

March 30, 2009, we go to court and 30 years of marriage is over in about 10 minutes.

 

April 14, I discover online that he has taken out a marriage license with his lovely old biker girlfriend who he has never even mentioned to his children. He had asked me for his birth certificate but said he had no plans to remarry, he was just going to get a passport because he wanted to go to Canada. Well he did get married, and went to the Bahamas.

 

August 6. Our little rat terrier dies suddenly after a brief illness, she was just 7. I was and still am just devastated. My daughter was at band camp when this happened and I had to break the news to her when I picked her up on the 7th. That was just awful to do, just awful.

 

Since then, I have felt like absolute crap. My back hurts, my head hurts, I feel nauseated, I have so much anxiety it is unreal.

 

Our 31 wedding anniversary would have been this Wednesday.

 

When will this pain end, I just want it to stop, I just want to be happy.

 

As I said I was feeling good, but after Crystal died that all flew out the window.

[soheartbroken]

I'm so sorry for your pain. How is your daughter doing? Did he abandon her too, or are they at least in contact?

 

Think of it this way. Yes, it's been a year since the sh*t hit the fan. But you have only just begun to heal. Since finding out about his new marriage...it's only been 4 months! That is not a long time given a 30 year marriage.

 

Have you been to a therapist? Do you have a support system? Have you tried educating yourself - books, divorce support groups, mid-life-crisis websites? It sounds like your husband had a mid-life crisis. If you check out the separation & divorce forum on LoveShack you will see that it is quite common.

 

Knowledge is power! And keep posting. The fact that you continue working tells me that you're a strong woman!

[soheartbroken]

We are all waiting for the pain to end. You are not alone.

[now_what]

No, he did not abandon the kids (we have two grown children also). He probably is more involved with my younger daughter more since he left - seeing her every couple of weeks and coming to her school events. She is doing very well. It does make her mad though, that she knows so little about her dad's new life. He lives about an hour away, she has never been to his house and only met the new wife very briefly at a band concert. We go to a counselor which does help, but I just can't explain why our dog's death has thrown me for such a loop. Our older dog has cancer, but miraculously the tumor has unexceptionably disappeared. Crystal was just fine and then just completely went downhill. I just miss her so much.

 

Thanks for the support!

[soheartbroken]

Glad to be here. The contact that you have with him right now (school events and such...or even just hearing that he was there with his new wife) is also probably prolonging your pain. Not that you should have no contact, given the children, it's just that seeing him or hearing about him is a reminder of your past. So although you WILL get over this, it will just take a bit longer.

 

Glad to hear that he did not abandon his children. Perhaps you are extra upset about the dog because the dog is also a reminder of your past. You would have expected him to be there for the death of your shared animal?

[now_what]

Crystal was really my daughter's little dog, she got her for her 8th birthday. She was her dog, but Crystal preferred to sleep with me, right against my back. We are dog lover's, with Crystal we did have four. She was everyone's favorite, she was just so cute and had a funny little personality. My mom and dad were both very upset at her death too. They had gone along to the breeder's when we got Crystal.

I did email my ex to tell him about Crystal and he did express condolences to both our daughter and me, which I did appreciate.

 

I think the thing is that my ex just walked away and started a brand new life for himself that the children really know nothing about. As I said he does see our daughter, but he really knows nothing of her day to day life. He normally would have been with me to pick our daughter up at band camp, but he didn't go see her performance on the final night this year and I had to break the news about her dog to her by myself. It just feels like everything is left up to me, I always have to be the bearer of bad news, it just makes me feel kind of alone. He is off and doesn't need to be concerned about anything much.

 

My older daughter went to visit her dad and met the "stepmother" for the first time. She was not impressed, saying the woman was a hillbilly and looked much older than her age - 56. I am 50 and certainly not a hillbilly, I am an accountant actually, not that a hillbilly couldn't be an accountant. This woman is nothing like me, I guess that hurts too that he would prefer someone completely different from me. But then again, she is a biker chick and that just completes the biker fantasy for him, that's all he thought about when he was home - being out on "the bike".

[now_what]

OK, I'm trying to have a different attitude today, instead of focusing on the bad things that happened over the past year - I will focus on the positive.

 

1. I have my independence. I'm free to do what I want, when I want to, without having to worry about what someone else thinks, does, whatever.

 

2. I have three great kids and two grandchildren who mean the world to me. My 16 year old daughter and I have survived the year without her dad being here and I think we have done a great job by ourselves.

 

3. I have my family - my mom and dad, and brother and sister. They have been some of my strongest supporters over the past year and I have grown closer to all of them.

 

4. I still have three dogs who greet me at the door each night and provide companionship. I think they miss Crystal too, but we are still a pack. We also have three kitties, two rats and some fish.

 

5. I have a great job with benefits for which I am thankful. I also have a very supportive boss and coworkers who have helped me through the past year.

 

6. I have a comfortable home to return to each evening, where I can live with my precious daughter and our pets.

 

So, I will try to think positively and not dwell on the past. I will not give my ex any power over my life. There I said it, now I'm going to believe it and do it.

[soheartbroken]

That's an excellent attitude, very inspiring. Children, pets, and a support system -all sounds great!

[now_what]

Today was what would have been my 31st wedding anniversary and I thought I would feel weird, but instead I felt very calm. I emailed my ex to let him know what our daughter's school fees were and to ask him if he could help with a rather expensive calculator. He said he would put some money in my bank account to help cover the expenses. Today was a good day overall and I still feel calm and peaceful. What more could I ask?