greentea Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 We have been going steady for 4 years. He is now assigned to a different place for work for approximately 2-3 months. Things have been fine so far, until recently. I have always believed I cannot carry on a long distance relationship but then since this is temporary, I thought we can handle it. We had an argument one morning and it turned that he felt I was pressuring him about the relationship. I said I was sorry 3 days after but he stopped speaking to me since that morning when we had that argument. He would not return my call so I could only send him text messages to expresses what I feel. After 6 days, he send me a message saying "he needs time", and he also said " i will be the one to contact you when I am ready to talk. Right now, I am not. I need to think." and then I asked him if he still loves me because I really love him so much he said "i dont know" I am confused and scared. Could it be that he said "I dont know" because he was angry? Did he mean it? Is it really possible for him to fall out of love immediately? Should I still expect he'd return? Help! Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 In these kinds of situations, I think when someone says "I don't know" it means the bad answer, whether it's yes or no. Like: Do you love me? "I don't know." That means no. Are we over? "I don't know." That means yes. As I've recently found out, it's not so much that he's immediately fallen out of love, but it could've been a long process that you didn't even know was happening and it just SEEMED immediate. I'm sorry about this, but it's probably over. I hope I'm wrong, though. Link to post Share on other sites
toots307 Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 Perhaps maybe he just needs time to think like he said. It's hard as hell not to contact someone that you love but trust me - if you leave him alone to think and that's all he needs it will be worth it. Instead of contacting him do things for yourself. Try to give him some space. If you spend your time enjoying life then no matter if it's over or not it won't be time wasted. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 Easier said than done. If she's like me, she won't be able to think of anything else, regardless of what she's doing. Some people out there can shut things out and force things to the back of their mind and focus on other stuff. I am not one of those people. Once something's on my mind, it's on my mind and it ain't going anywhere. Granted, it gets less and less as time goes on, but still. I dunno. After my experience from the past few months, I have to say anyone who wants a break and wants you to stick around is selfish and ridiculous and should just break up with you. It'll hurt more at first but trust me, sticking around and waiting for three months, you'll wish it was over to begin with. Having hopes crushed constantly is a hell of a lot worse than having them crushed once and leaving it at that. Link to post Share on other sites
trying Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 Have you thought of asking him how much space he needs. If he seriously just needs time, he should be able to give you a time frame. Can you agree to have no contact for two weeks, and then talk at that time? If he won't compromise, he is not worth it...and he is stringing you along if he cannot tell you how much time he needs. Link to post Share on other sites
toots307 Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 I have to say I agree with you a bit there. I gave my bf some space and he came back but it was agony during that time apart. He was totally being selfish but I forgive him. He's making up for it now though. I thought about him constantly - I picked up the phone to call and didn't - I wanted to drive by his house but didn't - I went through all the nutty crap. But he went through the same stuff. Almost calling, missing me - he just had all these fears that his single lifestyle was ending and he didn't know how to deal with it. Now he knows what he has and I'm adding to his life not taking away. Link to post Share on other sites
Zankon Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 REally, why when you're in a break up period and you ask your lover if s/he still loves you they usually say "I don't know" ?!?!?! you do or you don't!!! wow, sometimes you see people who you loved to death for such a long period of time and everything you went through just flip and become totally different If he tells you he doesn't know, tell him "well when you know, it ll be too late because I ll be far away". So he d better know right then. Link to post Share on other sites
Author greentea Posted November 18, 2003 Author Share Posted November 18, 2003 We're not seeing each really coz he is far away and I have to stay here coz of work. So I guess what he is saying is, "he needs time." [color=brown]Trying: [/color] I wish we could have a time frame. My problem is he won't even talk to me to set this up or whatever. But just thinking that "what if after the given time frame, nothing happened?" [color=red]Zankon:[/color] It just hurt me big time to hear that "i dont know" from him. It hurts so much when you are in a relationship and gosh, you love him to death and he'd say "i dont know". [color=green]Toots307: [/color] That is a happy ending story you have there. I hope it turns out the same to me. How long did it take before you started talking again? and what what his reasons for that "space and time". I'm kinda confuse... what does it really mean when someone asks for space and time and how does it differ with someone who is just needing time? [color=blue]UCFKevin:[/color] I know I should just go on with my life and not think of him. I can't. Tried so many times, tried so many ways, but I failed. This is my real first heartbreak. I really don't know what to do now. I came to a point where I had to beg for him (thru text message) to give our relationship another chance... but still he is acting like he doesn't care coz he's not replying.. all because he wants to be left alone to think! Am i trying enough or am i trying too much? Link to post Share on other sites
BraveGirl Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 I go with UCF Kevin. To break up with you several times is worse. It leaves you a wreck. Be strong and firm with him, I bet a lot of us wish we had. Link to post Share on other sites
crazyglue03 Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 I do agree with Kevin, it is very hard to stop thinking about someone when you have been in a relationship for a long time. But you have to remember that if you keep sending messages, calling, emailing, whatever he may take this the wrong way from you and you might be pushing him away from you even farther. Easier said than done of course, but give him his time. I hope that he is taking the time to grow up and into your relationship and you will have a positive outcome of this issue. But it does sound like to me that he is just distancing himself from the relationship and you. So maybe you need some you time. Get together with some girlfriends, and party, party, party!!! Go out and have a great time and forget about your troubles for a while. You never know, you may find Mr. Wonderful that lives closer to you. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 Getting an "I don't know" from a guy always reminded me of the "We'll see" from my Dad. BOTH MEANT NO! If you are in a situation where someone who previously admitted they love you and are now saying "I don't know".....what they are saying is.....I don't know how to get out of this without hurting your feelings. They TRY to bow out gracefully. LET THEM GO!!! If you keep persuing an answer of your choosing.....you are only pushing them against a wall of saying something to you they didn't want to say. THEN....you will question how they can be so CRUEL. Take the hints....respect the circumstances.....and move on. Losing someone you love is NEVER easy. Persuing them....only makes it harder. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 Yeah. The whole going after them pushing them away thing is something you realize after the fact. I fought hard for my ex, and the fact that I did just made things worse, sometimes. I should've just backed off, but chances are she probably would've gotten interested in this other guy even if I WAS leaving her completely alone. It's a lose lose situation. The second the other person begins to lose happiness and feelings in a relationship is when it should end completely. One-sided relationships don't work, and once they don't work, it's hard to get them to work again. It would probably be hard as hell to get back together after this. The fear that something like this could happen again. It's tough, kiddo, believe me, I of all people know, but you have to move on. Move to Orlando, I'll take you out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author greentea Posted November 29, 2003 Author Share Posted November 29, 2003 Update: For three weeks, I felt so alone. I couldnt resist the temptation of not sending him SMS, or attempt to call him. I feel that I have sacrificed my career (did not take a very promising career abroad just to be with him as I know I cannot handle LDR) and 4 years of my life just to make the relationship work - and now that its starting to crumble, I feel soooooo bad about everything. For the first time in my life, I feel very weak, totally helpless. Yesterday, surprisingly, he replied to my SMS. I was telling him to just please answer whether he still wants to fix our relationship or does he want a breakup totally. He replied. He said "not now". So i confirmed by saying "do you mean you still want to fix the relationship however you're not ready yet now?", and he said "yes". What is so difficult is... he might or might not be coming back anymore (he is away for work). He told me that he maybe going back here next year (January) because he is still waiting for the project to be awarded to him. I know that will mean more money for him, so maybe that is why he is holding on there. Thing is, I dont understand why he still wont keep the communication line open, but everytime I ask him if he wants a breakup, he is indirectly saying "no". I am thinking, if he no longer has plans of coming back and is seeing someone there, he could have chosen to break up with me coz I was already giving him the option. Why is he still holding on? What does this mean? Do you think he still loves me? I really love him so much, and just the thought of not ending up with him is just too much for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author greentea Posted November 29, 2003 Author Share Posted November 29, 2003 We talked via SMS for 1-1/2 hour today. Its because he doesnt want to talk on the phone. I told him that we need to talk to make things straight and then we can give each other the time and space needed so we can think about what we have talked about. First, I asked him what the issues are. He said that we need to give each other time and space because everytime we have an argument and get back together at once, things are not changing. He meant, we'd still fight again. And it becomes like a ritual. So he wanted time and space for me to realize the mistakes and so we can change it. What bothers me, is when I asked him if he still loves me he said "i dont know". He said he is not feeling the "flame". But he also said "we will get back together when it is the right time", and "to give each other time for now for in that way we can fix things nicely", and when I asked him if he thinks we can still fix our relationship, he said "maybe we can". What do you think? Is there still hope? Do you think he still loves me but is trying to hide it? Is it right to still hope? Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted November 29, 2003 Share Posted November 29, 2003 When an individual says that they need time or they need to find themselves, that usually indicates that they want out. This man is leading on a string, so you might want to sever all ties with him and give him that space. I know that curiosity kills. If you continue to talk to him, try not to ask questions like, 'do you still love me -- can we fix things'. This will probably annoy him and push him away even farther. Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted November 30, 2003 Share Posted November 30, 2003 It is sad to say that I have been on the other end of things, but I never lead the person on, I just told him straight out like it is..that I didn't love him anymore and that things had changed. I carefully thought everything out in my head before I told him and was 200% sure of it before I said anything. Turns out, that way doesn't help either. It has been 8 months since the break up and he is still pursuing me despite my desperate pleas for him to leave me alone. I was very sincere and went through everything with him to make sure he understood why, but he is the type of person to not listen when he doesn't like what he's hearing. Therefore, everything I told him went in one ear and out the other. I got tired of that after a month, because he would call me 3 times a day and in the end, I just got really fed up b/c if he had heard me and really just THOUGHT about what I said (I was clear - did not give any maybes.. and gave all teh reasons)..then he would not have to ask me over and over. I finally had to cut off contact with him b/c he kept calling my friends and totally disrespecting my wishes..I had told him it would be best if we didn't talk for a while and he kept on calling (the not listening thing..) He says that he understands now why I had to break up with him, yet at the same time he asks me out all the time. I've told him NO enough times that you would think he would be scared of me by now..but he isn't..he still loves me to death despite everything..I do feel terribly, but I feel more sorry for him that he cannot think even one bit, rationally. Anyhow, point of this story is that I am now kind of on the other end of the stick..it is a long story.. a bit different from most of you because I had not been dating this guy for very long at all but we got along so well and things just suddenly ended b/c of things that could not be helped (my post is in the dating section). I have never had my heart broken like this, but I am also trying to be understanding... good luck to you all.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author greentea Posted December 1, 2003 Author Share Posted December 1, 2003 things have been a little bit nicer lately. We've started to talk via SMS. We don't talk about the relationship but at least he is starting to talk to me... Big difference from the past weeks where he wouldnt even talk to me. I plan to not talk about the relationship and cotninue being friends with him until he comes back here in January. I hope I am doing the right thing... i'm doing this because it is making me feel a LOT better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author greentea Posted December 2, 2003 Author Share Posted December 2, 2003 Maybe getting in touch with him was not a good choice at all. Although it makes me a bit happy that I am able to talk to him once again, it hurts that he is not mindful about the relationship. He talks casually to me, replies when I send him messages, but I always initiate a conversation. Its just that I miss him terribly. It hurts more when I ask if he wants to talk on the phone and he refuses to answer.... or since we talk via SMS, whenever I ask something (about him or about us), he does not reply. He chooses what he wants to answer. I know it was my choice to contact him or not... but I don't know if this is wrong, or if this will hurt me more in the long run. I am thinking if we talk casually, maybe getting back together will be easier. But it hurts that sometimes he is so insensitive. I just want him back... badly. Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted December 2, 2003 Share Posted December 2, 2003 I think that you should stop contacting him until he contacts youw hen he comes back in January. You need to give him time to miss you and there is nothing worse than one-sided relationships/friendships. I think that you need to go on a real "break" from him and then the both of you will be able to appreciate each other better when you do see each other again. I think you'd be happier too if you didn't feel like you've caved in everytime you gave him a call. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author greentea Posted December 2, 2003 Author Share Posted December 2, 2003 You know I've been trying really hard not to contact him.... but no matter how much I try, I always fail. I am so tired of being so unhappy and miserable. For a change, I just want to be happy.. or numb, but no hurting and miserable. Can you give me advices on how I could stop contacting him and how to let go of my very deep emotions/feelings for him. I just want it to go away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author greentea Posted December 2, 2003 Author Share Posted December 2, 2003 Here's the situation: We have not broken up yet, but he asked for time and space for us to realize our mistakes and probably mend the relationship later. He tells me he does not love me as much anymore because of the "argument" that we had which led to this "time and space". If we have not officially broken up and is just in this "give me time and space" situation, what is our relationsship now? Are we free to date other people? Well, I am not interested in dating other people because I want to focus on getting him back... but I am just too scared since he was the one who asked for it, Im scared he might be looking around for someone... (or am i just getting paranoid?) Help! Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 Oh believe me, I know how it is so hard to not contact the guy! I have never found it so hard as right now, when I see the guy on messenger and I so badly want to talk to him...but I let myself get distracted before I can. Try staying away from being at home, especially being at home alone, or anywhere alone really. Try and surround yourself with your friends as much as you can, and go out as much as you can. Instead of staying in waiting by the phone or watching tv, go to a coffee shop and read a book or magazine for a few hours. Also, something that might work is snapping your wrist with an elastic band everytime you have the urge to call him. I really don't know how to stop those deep emotions..it is really really hard..I know..I'm sure if we knew the answer to that, most of us wouldn't be writing in here! As for whether or not you are free to date people - I am not sure because I dont' know what the "rules" of a break entails..my answer would be no. Since you are not officially broken up, and this time away from each other is to be used to reflect on the relationship and on what you want, you shouldnt' be distracted by another person, also, there is no need to get someone else involved and drag them through this situation. I think that you have to trust him, if you really love him, that he won't go and date someone else. If he does - he is not worth fighting for. I mean, he asks for the break so he can go and date someone else? That is really awful.. Anyhow, that's all I have for now....I wish you the best.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author greentea Posted December 3, 2003 Author Share Posted December 3, 2003 thank [color=red]sarah12[/color] for those words of wisdom. When is it time to assume that we have broken up already? I mean this is so vague to me. I am assuming we have not broken up formally yet as he just told me he needed time and space. But he also told me he doesnt love me anymore (no flame). When I asked him do you still want to fix the relationship or do you want to totally break up with me - all he said was not now (that is willing to fix the relationship in the future) coz he is not ready yet. Sometimes, I really don't understand him. One time, he jokes around with me saying we'll have kids when the right time comes. Another time, he is so apathetic and serious, and speaks as if he doesn't care at all. I thought women are more difficult to understand... huh! Link to post Share on other sites
Author greentea Posted December 3, 2003 Author Share Posted December 3, 2003 hi everyone! Finally, I think I will be able to accept the "time and space" situation. I kinda figured out, I will just push him away if I continue to contact him (this irritates him more). I asked him if he really belives that this "time and space" thing will fix the problem, he said yes. So, with that I am more at peace and I think I'll give it to him. I hope I will be able to keep my commitment of not contacting him... at least for the next weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 You are reading into everything he says and does trying to FIND hope. In reality, the only hope you can hold onto is that time may change the circumstances. Till then, you will only end up driving yourself (and him) crazy by forcing him to give you an answer you don't want to hear. Walk away....tell him to get back with you if he wants to try again....and if you are still available at that time (if it happens)....you'll consider it. NO..it's not easy! But asking yourself "What does it all MEAN???". everyday...only keeps you from healing and getting on with your life. Hang in there...time does work wonders. Link to post Share on other sites
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