silent treatment

[sarah12]

greentea - I'm glad that you have come to accept the time and space that your bf needs.

 

I must say though, that he seems to be very wishy-washy about everything. This is not a good thing because he is confusing you and then tells you he doesn't want to talk to you. It is unfair of him to do that to you, to leave you in the dark about everything.

I think that you should definitely try and start moving on..definitely don't contact him..and you'll find that the no contacting is better than contacting b/c then you won't feel bad after everytime you call him!

 

You have to be strong now, and get yourself back onto your two feet. By this I mean you need to remember who you were before you met him, how you did it all on your own, and you have to trust yourself that you will be fine, in time. There will be some tough days, but some good ones too, and on those good ones, tell yourself what you did to make it a good day. Yesterday was a good day for me because I got a haircut (and I look awesome ) and I went out to dinner with a friend. We also spent the day doing homework, which wasn't too fun, but at least I kept myself busy and rewarded myself with some some simple pleasures - time with a friend and going out for dinner!

 

I am in kind of the same situation as you where I don't know all the answers. But like Arabess said, I guess we have to stop analyzing what everything MEANS because it will do nothing but cause us more heartache and headaches, and really there is no sense in coming up with answers that may not be true.

[greentea]

hello everyone.

 

For a few days I have stopped contacting him. No text messages, no calls. They say when you give each other time and space, there will be good days and there will be bad days where you feel really alone and a big part of you wants to contact him again. Well, I guess today was a bad day for me. From out of nowhere while I was surfing the net, I suddenly got scared. I felt scared of losing him and that maybe the "not contacting each other thing" may bring us farther apart. I was scared the space will not work for us eventually, and I realized no, I am not ready to give up on him yet. So, I sent him a text message (i failed again). I asked him how he was and that I told him that i will appreciate if he can make a schedule for us to talk, and I also told him that I hope we could settle everything before christmas, that I am just waiting for him and I am just around if he decides to go for the "talk".

 

Of course, I did not get a reply. I feel stupid I contacted him again after successfully keeping mum for the past days.

 

Was I wrong in sending those messages?

[marc_d]

First of all, be strong! I am currently on a break with my girlfriend of over 7 years. It has been a long break but I extended it and made it worse by contacting her all the time and questioning where we were going. Now I have backed off on contacting her and yes it is really hard! I know! But since backing off, I have gotten her to make contact with me. It isnt as often as I like but at least I know shes doing it because she is thinking of me and not because I called her or text messaged her.

 

Anyways, I can tell you a book that can help you learn how to get your BF back if there are still feelings there. I know you arent married but either am I and its just about any serious relationship. Its called "The Divorce Remedy" by Michelle Weiner Davis. Its a great Just check it out. If you want to do anything to save your relationship then do it. Dont be persuaded by people telling you to forget it if you dont want to.

 

Everyone thinks divorce and breaking up serious commitments is no big deal these days. It is a big deal and its something worth fighting for. Until then, be strong a patient! I know its hard but you must!

[marc_d]

Originally posted by greentea

hi everyone!

 

Finally, I think I will be able to accept the "time and space" situation. I kinda figured out, I will just push him away if I continue to contact him (this irritates him more). I asked him if he really belives that this "time and space" thing will fix the problem, he said yes. So, with that I am more at peace and I think I'll give it to him.

 

I hope I will be able to keep my commitment of not contacting him... at least for the next weeks.

 

I kept asking my GF too and eventually her saying yes turned into I dont know because I wouldnt quit asking her. She then thought I didnt have faith and caused her to lose faith. I didnt have the tools I needed for months and dug myself deeper and deeper and Im trying to get out now. Please dont make my mistake!! This sounds EXACLTY like my situation so I feel like I have to help you. Give him the space and its when you are feeling like things are at its worst is when you shouldnt give up!! Dont give up! Everytime a negative thought comes up remind yourself that he said he thinks the break will help! use this to stop all negative thinking. Good luck to you!

[greentea]

hi marc_d!

 

Thank you for your advice.

 

I really appreciate what you have written. It really sounds like our situation is very alike. I am so thankful you have replied to my post. You are really heaven sent!( in the true aspect of the word).

 

Btw, how long have you been in the "break" situation with your gf, if you dont mind me asking?

 

I will keep your advice and give him the space he needs without contacting him. He will come back this coming January and maybe then something good will happen.

 

Thanks a lot!

[marc_d]

Well we began our break back in MAy!! I know its be a while. =( but now that I think back to it, there were many good signals which I took for granted. Now I look back and see all the things I could have turned into oppotunities Im kicking myself! Anyways, I have finally come to a hault as of November 6th when I bought the Divorce Remedy book. It gave me so much more great advice to follow. Sure, its still hard. VERY HARD in fact! But what else can we do? In the book it mentions to stop doing what doesnt work and this is true. I stopped calling and text messaging her and signing onto AOL at work , and you know what? the first day I wasnt on AOL she called me to see where I was. and I got several text messages throught the months a few phone calls too. She even asked me out for lunch once.

 

This month, I am going to start contacting her again but just to say hi and see how she is doing to let her know I care, but not to ask about our relationship. I have to show her I am always there for her no matter what. I also have plans with her for Thursday and Friday and I have to do the best I can and be happy and upbeat around her. Im sure the depressed version of me which I have showed her over and over was not helping.

 

We are acting differently now then when we were while in the relationship and acting like this is not going to help us! We have to show them we are not weak and miserable. We have to show them someone they will want to return to.

[sarah12]

marc_d - you should really shed some advice in the "second chances" forum. You've got some good advice and I think that some of the guys there may have been worn out by my words!

 

greentea - I think marc's advice is great and you should take it. btw, I am proud of you that you held out for a few days at least! Hopefully it'll keep getting easier to not contact him..

 

I wish you both the best..

[amerikajin]

greentea,

 

You need to use this time apart to think about your relationship just as he's doing. You're spending all this time trying to figure out how to get him back, but have you figured out why you two keep falling apart, and what steps you can take to prevent it in the future?

[gwennebe]

Marc,

 

What if they are dating someone else but still keep in touch with you. Does this still work? If you don't return their calls or talk to them? Or is it just if they are still single and not seeing anyone?

[marc_d]

Your situation sounds a little tougher to me. It is hard for me to fully understand how serious you were with him and if he was serious too since it was only a 3 month relationship. I think it will benefit you and possibly any future chances with him if you do not jump to answer all of his calls. You can still talk to him now and then but dont let him think you are just sitting there by the phone waiting for him, even if you are. It will make you look needy and nobody wants that. I know because I have seen personally what acting needy does and that definatley is something that doesnt work. If you have other friends you can make plans with then go for it! Im not saying you need to move on and find someone else but try to have fun no matter how hard it is and still be his friend. If you can be really good friends with him, like best friends, plus your romantic history together, it might grow into a deeper relationship than before.

 

I can not predict the future and I really dont know the history you have or what caused the split but you need to be positive and if you want him back, the best thing you can possiby do is not bother him about this other girl and become his friend. Its the only sure way to keep him in your life so that he may want to come back to you. If you complain and nag him he will not want anything to do with you. I hope this helps. Be patient and be positive! We all need to have faith that everything will be ok. Good luck to you and try to be strong and very, VERY patient!