YOUR top 3 pearls of wisdom out your A. SHARE :)

[ednadean]

Hi there,

I feel that together, reading through a lot of posts over several months -- a lot of us have gained so much wisdom and experience from our various situations. From insights to during the A, to insights on the behaviour of the MM/MW, to just things you'd wish you’d known before you ever even contemplated an A.

 

What are the 3 [or more] most important things that you've learned, or wish you'd known about an A? -- either from just reading other people's posts or from your own experiences [obviously there will be some generalisations -- but that's o.k…we can all learn from each other and take it all with a grain of salt]

 

For me it's:

 

1. MMs want affairs not divorces

2. MM that go on family holidays [whether there is or isn't contact to the OW] are definitely not contemplating leaving

 

3. No matter how much he says he loves you and no matter how different/special/amazing you think he is -- if he has a family -- you can't win. Whatever the outcome.

 

4. The world HE lives in when he’s with you, is NOT his reality, it’s fantasy. The world YOU live in when YOU’RE with him, IS your reality. [i really think this one is the cause of a lot of grief]

5. Even if you’ve given him years of support, attention, empathy, pity etc -- you often can’t ask for or receive the same in return – either because of contact reasons, guilt from taking him away from his family or because you’ll quickly start to become unattractive, a burden on his reality.

6. The control and detachment you feel from never contacting him --- ALWAYS letting him contact you instead -- EVENTUALLY turns into something that marginalises YOU [once your feelings inevitably turn to emotions of love and need – or when starts to pull away] – as you’re NEVER able to contact him freely.

7. Whatever an A is, please don’t fall into the trap of thinking it’s an equal/satisfying relationship between two people. Unless you’re 100% emotionally detached -- it’s not.

[SidLyon]

Here's my 6, not necessarily pearls or wisdom.

 

1 Whenever 2 people have an affair, a woman will get badly hurt.

 

2 If you wouldn't do/say it in front of your spouse then don't do it.

 

3 For married people the distinction between "love" and being "in love" is artificial.

 

4 Dishonesty is essential for an affair.

 

5 People have an amazing capacity to fool themselves and be fooled.

 

6 There's no such thing as karma.

 

S

[TaraMaiden]

1: It's not about the sex.

 

2: Desire is Natural: Commitment is a choice.

 

3: There IS such a thing as Karma.

 

[OWoman]

What are the 3 [or more] most important things that you've learned, or wish you'd known about an A?

 

1) That all As are different. Expecting yours to go xxx way because someone else's did is pointless. MAKE yours go the way you want it to - or enjoy your misery.

 

2) That OWs have real power, and should use it instead of denying it.

 

3) That if the MM leaves, dysfunctional habits from the M, or traits from the MP, will be brought into the R with the OW UNLESS the MM is serious about addressing these in IC.

 

4) That family and friends want a happy ending. They'll support whoever makes MM (and any kids) happy. Fears of ostracism or hell are unfounded!

 

5) That you CAN have it all - if that's what you want.

[TaraMaiden]

Oooh, OOh! I just thought of another one....

 

4: learn what all these abbreviations mean....

 

MM means 'married man', OW means 'other woman', but BS doesn't always mean 'Betrayed Spouse'....!!

[ednadean]

Oooh, OOh! I just thought of another one....

 

4: learn what all these abbreviations mean....

 

MM means 'married man', OW means 'other woman', but BS doesn't always mean 'Betrayed Spouse'....!!

 

hahaha - yes, I STILL don't know all the abbreviations.

[MistyK]

1) Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder then words.

 

2) Don't get out the confetti if your MM moves out, that's only the beginning of the drama.

 

3) There is a BIG difference between physical seperation and emotional seperation. Usually the first will happen WAY before the second, if the second ever occurs at all. Likewise, there is a difference between legal and emotional divorce. Legal Divorce, like legal marriage, is just a piece of paper and is really more accurately defined by what the parties put into the relationship and what boundaries they have.

 

4) Trust that is continually violated might never completely heal.

 

5) Never, ever make a SO (significant other) the center of your universe, especially if they're a MM. It makes the inevitable crumbling of the situation that much more painful.

 

6) A MM will never be as unhappy about his having to live a double life than you are, no matter what he says. For a defined period of time, the MM gets to have it both ways - he gets his happiness. Neither the OW or the BS have a chance of achieveing that during this time because the MM is split.

 

7) There is no reason to be mad at the BS. If she's treating him badly, it's likely the result of his own bad behaviors. Feeling mad only engages the competition feeling and it's a battle OW always lose anyway.

 

Knowing what I know now, I would never, ever, ever, ever be with a MM again. The fleeting happiness is not worth all the pain.

[Devil Inside]

To the other MMs out there.

 

1. If you are thinking about having an A...don't! It will end up hurting a lot of people...you especially. A D is much easier than an A.

 

2. Words whisper...actions yell.

 

3. Chances are you will not end up together...no matter how much you love each other...in fact, the more you love each other...the more it will hurt when it's over.

 

More later....

[ladydesigner]

1. Never knew how much my integrity meant to me until I lost it.

 

2. Never ever trust the words being fed to you by your affair partner.

 

3. NC is the only way to go after an affair has ended.

[torranceshipman]

1. NOTHING you feel for another person justifies having an A with them. Let them leave the other partner first, then be with them. If they don't then the choice has been made and fate has something else in store for you.

 

2. At least one person will get very, very hurt, no matter whether the A 'works out' or not. Either it's you - in your future - or the BS, or children. It's not worth it...

 

3. NC is always the best choice, either to end the A and heal, or, at the very least, to push the affair partner to act.

[StoptheDrama]

1-You can't choose who you love but you can choose to love yourself.

 

2-You will feel an incredible sense of guilt when you meet the BW - especially in a social situation.

 

3-You will feel an extreme range of emotions (positive and negative) both during and after the A.

[GreenEyedLady]

3 Pearls of Wisdom:

 

1. Men will move mountains for the woman they love. Most importantly, they won't whine about it.

 

2. Men will treat you the way you let them.

 

3. If you accept excuses, that's all you'll get.

 

Bonus Pearl:

 

Watch what they do, not what they say.

[Montclair0011]

1. Don't count on Karma going your way:

 

--When you are the BS and they are on the narcissistic spectrum, they will leave you for someone else, especially if they are in therapy.

 

--When you are the OW and they are the passive type, they will never leave their family no matter how toxic unless they are in therapy or kicked out by the spouse. If kicked out they will return on command. When the spouse finds out about you she/he will suddenly want them back, no matter what.

 

2. Get a good therapist with a psychodynamic approach. The best therapists are rarely covered by health insurance but it is worth the money.

 

3. If your marriage is in any kind of trouble, drag your spouse to MC ASAP. The longer you wait the worse it could be and you don't want to end up trying to date at 50+. The same dating advice is provided for OW's stuck waiting for MM to leave.

[Confused4Now]

1. People say No Contact will help you heal and to move forward. I also believe NC will give you an answer either way.

 

2. Don't tell you Wife about the affair if you have no intention of saving the marriage. If you do plan on saving it.....then you have to disclose everything.

 

3. No matter how close you are to your affair partner and you plan on both leaving your marriages. Remember why you left your marriage and don't depend on your affair partner to be there with you. People leave in their own time.

 

Bonus Pearl:

When you've hit rock bottom several times...lean on God, family and best friends.

[Gamine]

1) A bird in hand is worth two in the bush.

2) Know which side your bread is buttered on.

3) Multiple wicks only work for candles.

[StoptheDrama]

Have a few more to add..

 

4-Just when you think you know all the lies, more will be revealed.

 

5-There is no limit to which your self-esteem can sink because of the A.

 

6-Engaging in an A with a work colleague is possibly the worst decision you can make.

 

7-Trust your instincts.

[Confused4Now]

More to add...

 

4. Never believe when the person says God put you two together for a reason. Meaning don't let them use religion or God

 

5. Never have an affair with a person who in a abusive marriage no matter what. They are messed up.

 

6. EA will eventually become a PA and PA will eventually become a EA.

[ednadean]

wow. some of those points really bowled me over. so inredibly true.

 

I've got two more

 

1. Two or 9 or 12 months of perfect 'love' can often not compare to 7 or 12 or 20 years of imperfect marriage

 

2. Don't fool yourself into thinking you won't get hurt if you keep it only to an EA. You can -- and you will -- and it will be even more frustrating because you will feel all the effects of a break up -- but but at the same time also feel you don't really have a right to feel anything akin to a breakup.

[ednadean]

More to add...

 

4. Never believe when the person says God put you two together for a reason. Meaning don't let them use religion or God

 

5. Never have an affair with a person who in a abusive marriage no matter what. They are messed up.

 

6. EA will eventually become a PA and PA will eventually become a EA.

 

 

So true! Never believe anyone that sees "signs" that you two should be together. It's always a coincidence.

[ladydesigner]

2. Don't fool yourself into thinking you won't get hurt if you keep it only to an EA. You can -- and you will -- and it will be even more frustrating because you will feel all the effects of a break up -- but but at the same time also feel you don't really have a right to feel anything akin to a breakup.

 

Wow this is a good one, especially the bolded part. I think this was the most confusing to me because it was like wow "I feel crushed and rejected because he just broke up with me" and then I thought "wait we can't say that we were breaking up because we never really were going out we were having an affair."

[Owl]

1. Affairs are never "an accident" or "just happen".- They are the direct result of deliberate effort by both the WS and OW/OM. The ATTRACTION that fueled the affair initially can exist from the very beginning...but the "in love" portions of it only grow when the attraction is fed by interaction between these two parties...knowingly and intentionally.

 

2. "Unconditional love" is a unicorn. It doesn't exist, but it's the goal of every insanely romantic person out there. Love in reality is always conditional. You cannot remain in love with someone who consistently and constantly abuses you (as an example), nor is it realistic to expect yourself or anyone else to love unconditionally.

 

3. There are many stages in romantic love as a relationship progresses, and the love felt during those stages can be very different from that felt during previous or later stages.

 

4. The people who succeed at anything are the ones that do, not those that try.

[Aquarius Rising]

1. Affairs are never "an accident" or "just happen".- They are the direct result of deliberate effort by both the WS and OW/OM. The ATTRACTION that fueled the affair initially can exist from the very beginning...but the "in love" portions of it only grow when the attraction is fed by interaction between these two parties...knowingly and intentionally.

 

This ....... I have come to learn is a truism, and only when we take responsibility (fully) for having made the choice to enter an A, can we be empowered enough to make better choices in the future.

 

I only have one pearl for now ........ I'm sure I will have HUNDREDS in the coming weeks though ...... this is a great thread.

 

1. Lies will lock you up ....... with truth, the only key.

 

AR (Still in ICU)

[torranceshipman]

And another...don't believe the really bad anti-W lines - you know the type...'my W is a manic depressive drunk who beats me and the children, refuses to work, takes pills, and refused to have sex with me for the last 10yrs - we're only roommates now' (or some variation thereof). These stories are ridiculous!!

[Solear]

! your my soul mate

 

2 I love you

 

3 I will leave him and my family

 

4 I havnt had sex for four years but iman absolute pro in bed

 

5 dont get envolved

 

6 soon as someone married tries it on, give their husband a call and let him know his wifes a slut, youll be doing him and her a favour

[1Angel]

And another...don't believe the really bad anti-W lines - you know the type...'my W is a manic depressive drunk who beats me and the children, refuses to work, takes pills, and refused to have sex with me for the last 10yrs - we're only roommates now' (or some variation thereof). These stories are ridiculous!!

 

 

Forgive me if you see this as making light of serious situation, but this quote literally made me laugh out loud!