YOUR top 3 pearls of wisdom out your A. SHARE :)

[Spark1111]

Forgive me if you see this as making light of serious situation, but this quote literally made me laugh out loud!

 

Because it is so stereotypically true!

 

1. When someone starts to complain of how unahppily married they are, hand them the business card of a really good therapist and wish them luck!

 

2. Commit to me or commit to her but grow up and make a choice today or I need to move on with my life and live it fully! NO MORE EXCUSES!

 

3. When we love our selves fully for who we are, warts and all, only then will we be able to love others and have others love us. No more crumbs for me!Get into counseling, chop! Chop!

[White Flower]

Oooh, OOh! I just thought of another one....

 

4: learn what all these abbreviations mean....

 

MM means 'married man', OW means 'other woman', but BS doesn't always mean 'Betrayed Spouse'....!!

Ha ha! Love it!

 

Just to be fair, OW doesn't always mean other woman. Hmmm let's see...orgasm winner? Orgasm withholder? On my Way? Or What? Oh the possibilities...

[Die Hard]

I only learned two things:

 

One, don't get involved with married women.

 

Two, I'm a lot stronger of a person than I ever thought I was and that if I was able to get past being involved with a married person, I can do or take anything life has to offer.

[White Flower]

1. Affairs are never "an accident" or "just happen".- They are the direct result of deliberate effort by both the WS and OW/OM. The ATTRACTION that fueled the affair initially can exist from the very beginning...but the "in love" portions of it only grow when the attraction is fed by interaction between these two parties...knowingly and intentionally.

True. You decide to make or answer that call, etc.

2. "Unconditional love" is a unicorn. It doesn't exist, but it's the goal of every insanely romantic person out there. Love in reality is always conditional. You cannot remain in love with someone who consistently and constantly abuses you (as an example), nor is it realistic to expect yourself or anyone else to love unconditionally.

True. Love IS conditional, hence: 'If you ever cheat on me you are out the door!' THAT is a condition!

3. There are many stages in romantic love as a relationship progresses, and the love felt during those stages can be very different from that felt during previous or later stages.

True, true, true. And when you recognize love is completely gone, you get out.

4. The people who succeed at anything are the ones that do, not those that try.

Absolutely true. Yoda says so.

[White Flower]

! your my soul mate

 

2 I love you

 

3 I will leave him and my family

 

4 I havnt had sex for four years but iman absolute pro in bed

 

5 dont get envolved

 

6 soon as someone married tries it on, give their husband a call and let him know his wifes a slut, youll be doing him and her a favour

Sorry, but this sounds like women bashing, not WS bashing.

[Solear]

no not woman bashing at all. its particular to my case.

 

just dont be fooled when people start using their sob stories to lure you in.

 

Always use reason and understand peoples agendas

[CarbonCopy]

As a single OW whose MM recently ended things, I've learned many lessons:

 

1. It's ALL ABOUT HIM. Always. The MM always comes first - his wants, his needs, his ego are the priority.

 

2. Don't believe everything he tells you. Who really knows how much of it is true and how much much of it he's spinning so that he looks better in your eyes.

 

3. Even if he says he's not using you, he still is. It might not be intentional and he might even develop some sort of feelings for you, but in the end he's just using you, whether it be for sex, affection, attention, whatever.

 

4. It's truly an unequal relationship, especially if one party is single. You really can't expect anything from your married person, so be prepared to be constantly disappointed. And definitely don't expect your MM to be attentive or even care about your needs or feelings. They honestly don't care. And if you try to bring the issue up, they'll have a plethora of excuses ready to spew out as to why they "can't" make a simple phone call, or why they "can't" see you for an hour or two, or they "can't" take you out for a little dinner.

 

5. You WILL get hurt. Speaking as a young woman that should have known better, the pain really sucks. You end up feeling stupid, used, regretful, angry, sad, your self-esteem is shot, your eyes are swollen from crying so much, you end up thinking all men are the same... it's not good.

 

All in all, I guess the most valuable lesson I've learned from all of this is:

DON'T EVER GET INVOLVED WITH A MARRIED MAN.

 

I don't care if he says he's filing for divorce next week, I don't care if it's all "just for fun," I don't care if you have ~undeniable chemistry~ that you can't control (ha, do I know that feeling well) -- just DON'T DO IT. It's so not worth it, especially if you're a single woman. You will become fixated on him, you will develop feelings for him and possibly even fall in love, and what will you get in return? NOTHING. You'll get some stolen moments and maybe a little affection and attention in return, meanwhile you've given this man your heart and your body and he couldn't care less.

[ednadean]

 

All in all, I guess the most valuable lesson I've learned from all of this is:

DON'T EVER GET INVOLVED WITH A MARRIED MAN.

 

I don't care if he says he's filing for divorce next week, I don't care if it's all "just for fun," I don't care if you have ~undeniable chemistry~ that you can't control (ha, do I know that feeling well) -- just DON'T DO IT. It's so not worth it, especially if you're a single woman. You will become fixated on him, you will develop feelings for him and possibly even fall in love, and what will you get in return? NOTHING. You'll get some stolen moments and maybe a little affection and attention in return, meanwhile you've given this man your heart and your body and he couldn't care less.

 

OMG CCopy -- your post almost made me cry -- it's sooo incredible true.

It was the "stolen moments" that got me....100% true. thank you.

[OWoman]

And another...don't believe the really bad anti-W lines - you know the type...'my W is a manic depressive drunk who beats me and the children, refuses to work, takes pills, and refused to have sex with me for the last 10yrs - we're only roommates now' (or some variation thereof). These stories are ridiculous!!

 

Well, my H never fed me any of those lines, but it turns out much of it was / is true!! (and you omitted the bit about her being morbidly obese, shopping compulsively, dressing awfully, putting him and the kids down in public, etc... )

[bentnotbroken]

Well, my H never fed me any of those lines, but it turns out much of it was / is true!! (and you omitted the bit about her being morbidly obese, shopping compulsively, dressing awfully, putting him and the kids down in public, etc... )

 

 

OWoman, don't' you think your situation is the exception to the norm?

[RedDevil66]

"karma is a B*tch"

[dobler33]

1) telling your spouse about the A not only gives him/her the opportunity to make a fully informed decision about whether or not he/she wants to forgive and move forward, but also allows him/her to take responsibility for his/her part in whatever negative dynamics contributed to the distance and misery that allowed an A to foster. it also forces you to take responsibility for the pain you've caused, as you have to look your partner in the eye and see just exactly what you've done to them.

 

2) with time, patience and a strong willingness to work, rebuilding after an A IS possible, but both parties have to want it and have no reservations about the ultimate goal.

 

3) if the AP decides to stay with their spouse, they will construct their own narrative about the A, and chances are it will be totally removed from the reality you yourself experienced with the AP. chances are it will be that you seduced, tried to steal, or otherwise manipulated the AP. you just have to let it go, know your own truth and focus on rebuilding your own life.

 

4) the neurochemicals rocketing around your head during the affair - ramped up by desire, hormones, anxiety, fear of being found out, guilt and shame and terror of the future, the good stuff and the bad stuff - make it very nearly impossible to make decent decisions. the only thing you can do is remember this and treat it like a substance addiction. you HAVE to detox, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much it seems like it would be ok to continue contact. there's simply no way around it.

 

5) people have affairs for myriad and varying reasons. some are far more sleazy than others, but the consequences are always the same - hurt, confusion, emotional trauma, the blowing apart of the foundations of your life.

 

6) everyone will tell you that it never works out, that the AP will not leave or that even if they do it will almost never go well. you will not believe them, because it feels so different. but they tell you this because it is true. the number of As that end up in steady solid healthy relationships is negligible to the point of near-non-existence. there are a few on this board and we all admire and wish them well. they are in the vast, vast minority. the reason people keep telling you to walk away, that it will end in pain, is because it is almost always TRUE.

 

7) give yourself a break. the longer you hold onto your own guilt and shame the longer it will take you to have the strength to stand up and do what is right for yourself. deal with the liabilities later on in your recovery, when you're stable enough to take yourself to task for your mistakes. in the beginning, just focus on relearning how to breathe.

 

8) no matter how much the AP might say he/she loves you, no matter how much he/she actually does love you, they are hurting you by having an affair with you just as much as they are hurting their spouse. this does not necessarily have to mean that they are a horrible person. people will tell you that they are, and it may be true, but the more you have to defend them the less likely you'll be to see any kind of truth. it doesn't matter what kind of person they are. good people do bad things when they are hurt and lost and alone. the only thing that matters is whether or not they are willing to stand up in the light of day and claim you as a partner. nothing less. anything less is a lie, a secondary citizenship, a crumb from the feast.

 

9) there is a reason you're doing this, and it probably has less to do with the wonderfulness of your AP than you think. you may be lonely, or angry, or dissatisfied, or devaluing yourself, or a million other reasons. take the time to figure them out rather than making it all about the AP.

 

10) and finally, be good to yourself. you are beautiful and unique and worthy of truth and honesty. treat yourself as such. the other people who are being injured by the A are just as worthy of truth and honesty. treat them as such.

 

good luck to you all. there is life on the other end of this pain. you must take responsibility for your actions and hold others to account for theirs. don't forget to breathe.

 

sorry. that was a helluvalot more than 3.

[CarbonCopy]

OMG CCopy -- your post almost made me cry -- it's sooo incredible true.

It was the "stolen moments" that got me....100% true. thank you.

 

I hope you didn't cry! My MM just broke up with me this weekend out of the blue, so my pain is still VERY fresh.

 

I hope women contemplating getting involved with a married man REALLY consider what they're about to do. I had plenty of OW tell me to run away from the situation as fast as I could, but I didn't listen and now all I'm left with after this is a hurting heart.

 

It's not worth it!

[Gamine]

I hope you didn't cry! My MM just broke up with me this weekend out of the blue, so my pain is still VERY fresh.

 

I hope women contemplating getting involved with a married man REALLY consider what they're about to do. I had plenty of OW tell me to run away from the situation as fast as I could, but I didn't listen and now all I'm left with after this is a hurting heart.

 

It's not worth it!

 

There are a lot of people around here with hurting hearts so regardless of how you got here... we all share this in common. So many tears. I hope you feel better soon.

[ednadean]

 

9) there is a reason you're doing this, and it probably has less to do with the wonderfulness of your AP than you think. you may be lonely, or angry, or dissatisfied, or devaluing yourself, or a million other reasons. take the time to figure them out rather than making it all about the AP.

 

 

Totally! so true. great post dobler. I know for me -- and probably for my MM we were just incredibly starved for affection and attention.

 

What I would say to any married couples out there is to keep the affection and the listening alive in your marriage if you can - i swear -- it's a BIG reason for why people stray from their marriage.

[NoIDidn't]

This is from another site, but I've always agreed with it.

 

NC = no new hurts

 

There are so many tempting reasons to break NC.

 

The MM wants to tell the OW how sorry he is that she is hurt.

 

The BW wants to call the OW and let loose on her.

 

The OW wants to call both the MM to curse him out and the BW to tell her "the truth" about her H

 

None of these things is helpful. The first only continues the A, even minimally, by keeping hope alive. The second only makes the BW more hurt and leads to the third.

 

In any of these cases the people involved may hear something that hurts them more than the A did.

 

No OP wants to hear their former MP say that they never stopped loving their spouse or that they are sorry for using them to prop up their ego.

 

No BS wants to hear the (many times false) promises made to the OP by their WS.

 

No MP ever wants the OP and the BS to trade stories, for obvious reasons.

 

So, I agree that NC = no new hurts.

[Devil Inside]

1) telling your spouse about the A not only gives him/her the opportunity to make a fully informed decision about whether or not he/she wants to forgive and move forward, but also allows him/her to take responsibility for his/her part in whatever negative dynamics contributed to the distance and misery that allowed an A to foster. it also forces you to take responsibility for the pain you've caused, as you have to look your partner in the eye and see just exactly what you've done to them.

 

2) with time, patience and a strong willingness to work, rebuilding after an A IS possible, but both parties have to want it and have no reservations about the ultimate goal.

 

3) if the AP decides to stay with their spouse, they will construct their own narrative about the A, and chances are it will be totally removed from the reality you yourself experienced with the AP. chances are it will be that you seduced, tried to steal, or otherwise manipulated the AP. you just have to let it go, know your own truth and focus on rebuilding your own life.

 

4) the neurochemicals rocketing around your head during the affair - ramped up by desire, hormones, anxiety, fear of being found out, guilt and shame and terror of the future, the good stuff and the bad stuff - make it very nearly impossible to make decent decisions. the only thing you can do is remember this and treat it like a substance addiction. you HAVE to detox, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much it seems like it would be ok to continue contact. there's simply no way around it.

 

5) people have affairs for myriad and varying reasons. some are far more sleazy than others, but the consequences are always the same - hurt, confusion, emotional trauma, the blowing apart of the foundations of your life.

 

6) everyone will tell you that it never works out, that the AP will not leave or that even if they do it will almost never go well. you will not believe them, because it feels so different. but they tell you this because it is true. the number of As that end up in steady solid healthy relationships is negligible to the point of near-non-existence. there are a few on this board and we all admire and wish them well. they are in the vast, vast minority. the reason people keep telling you to walk away, that it will end in pain, is because it is almost always TRUE.

 

7) give yourself a break. the longer you hold onto your own guilt and shame the longer it will take you to have the strength to stand up and do what is right for yourself. deal with the liabilities later on in your recovery, when you're stable enough to take yourself to task for your mistakes. in the beginning, just focus on relearning how to breathe.

 

8) no matter how much the AP might say he/she loves you, no matter how much he/she actually does love you, they are hurting you by having an affair with you just as much as they are hurting their spouse. this does not necessarily have to mean that they are a horrible person. people will tell you that they are, and it may be true, but the more you have to defend them the less likely you'll be to see any kind of truth. it doesn't matter what kind of person they are. good people do bad things when they are hurt and lost and alone. the only thing that matters is whether or not they are willing to stand up in the light of day and claim you as a partner. nothing less. anything less is a lie, a secondary citizenship, a crumb from the feast.

 

9) there is a reason you're doing this, and it probably has less to do with the wonderfulness of your AP than you think. you may be lonely, or angry, or dissatisfied, or devaluing yourself, or a million other reasons. take the time to figure them out rather than making it all about the AP.

 

10) and finally, be good to yourself. you are beautiful and unique and worthy of truth and honesty. treat yourself as such. the other people who are being injured by the A are just as worthy of truth and honesty. treat them as such.

 

good luck to you all. there is life on the other end of this pain. you must take responsibility for your actions and hold others to account for theirs. don't forget to breathe.

 

sorry. that was a helluvalot more than 3.

 

Excellent post. I need to read these to myself everyday. Thanks.

[ednadean]

Sometimes, less intense and less often contact is better than cold-turkey NC -- as NC can be very dramatic and easy to break off completely. It's a bit like the Atkins diet -- easy to fall off the wagon -- and then the R can become even more intense afterwards.

[ladydesigner]

Sometimes, less intense and less often contact is better than cold-turkey NC -- as NC can be very dramatic and easy to break off completely. It's a bit like the Atkins diet -- easy to fall off the wagon -- and then the R can become even more intense afterwards.

 

This is what I used to think that LC is better. Then I realized when my xOM would not email back right away, it bothered me. I also realized I was still obsessing about him and still hurting. I went total NC recently and at least I am no longer checking my email 20 times a day, that part is a relief. I will admit the thinking about him has not stopped. I don't know if it will ever stop and that just plain sucks...for me. It has been 1 year and 2 months since our A ended and I am still not over him and I don't know if that is a result of the email contact that had continued or if I just plain need mental help. I am really hoping NC helps me.

[ednadean]

This is what I used to think that LC is better. Then I realized when my xOM would not email back right away, it bothered me. I also realized I was still obsessing about him and still hurting. I went total NC recently and at least I am no longer checking my email 20 times a day, that part is a relief. I will admit the thinking about him has not stopped. I don't know if it will ever stop and that just plain sucks...for me. It has been 1 year and 2 months since our A ended and I am still not over him and I don't know if that is a result of the email contact that had continued or if I just plain need mental help. I am really hoping NC helps me.

 

yes -- you're right. I still DO expect responses to my less-often emails. Even more so because they ARE less often. I can't stop thinking about him. It's ALL day. In the morning, during the day, while doing things, while looking in the mirror, before I go to bed, while at yoga, while doing the shopping, while watching a movie -- I'll look at the seat next to me and wish he was there.

 

Is it ever going to end?

 

Maybe the advice is the go LC --- until things fizzle [eventually you're going to get sick of the lessened contact] and then naturally go NC?

[tami-chan]

1) when the premise of the affair changes...it is time to leave.

 

2) never invest more than you can afford to lose.

 

3) when you find yourself celebrating Valentines day on the 13th or 15th and you felt like CRAP... time to move on.

[White Flower]

no not woman bashing at all. its particular to my case.

 

just dont be fooled when people start using their sob stories to lure you in.

 

Always use reason and understand peoples agendas

Good enough. Sorry your case was a bad one.

[White Flower]

1) when the premise of the affair changes...it is time to leave.

 

2) never invest more than you can afford to lose.

 

3) when you find yourself celebrating Valentines day on the 13th or 15th and you felt like CRAP... time to move on.

1) The premise did change and I stayed. I broke it off, but went back.

2) I probably did invest more. More time, thought, and tears for sure.

3) Good one about Valentine's Day. Very good. We always had the morning and they always had the evening. I would take dinner out in public any day over lunch. He would try to call me several times throughout their evening to let me know he was thinking about me, wishing he were with me but what really mattered was that he was with her. 5 phone calls wouldn't have convinced me otherwise.

[tami-chan]

1) The premise did change and I stayed. I broke it off, but went back.

2) I probably did invest more. More time, thought, and tears for sure.

3) Good one about Valentine's Day. Very good. We always had the morning and they always had the evening. I would take dinner out in public any day over lunch. He would try to call me several times throughout their evening to let me know he was thinking about me, wishing he were with me but what really mattered was that he was with her. 5 phone calls wouldn't have convinced me otherwise.

 

Oh, whiteflower...

[ednadean]

If you're the type of person that has an easily triggered conscience -- don't fool yourself into thinking you can live for the moment....it doesn't work.