YOUR top 3 pearls of wisdom out your A. SHARE :)

[ladydesigner]

yes -- you're right. I still DO expect responses to my less-often emails. Even more so because they ARE less often. I can't stop thinking about him. It's ALL day. In the morning, during the day, while doing things, while looking in the mirror, before I go to bed, while at yoga, while doing the shopping, while watching a movie -- I'll look at the seat next to me and wish he was there.

 

Is it ever going to end?

 

Maybe the advice is the go LC --- until things fizzle [eventually you're going to get sick of the lessened contact] and then naturally go NC?

 

Ednadean this statement really sums up how I feel. To make things worse he just broke NC and then I did and I don't feel bad about it. Well I guess I will really get flamed for this one, but now I am actually convinced that neither myself or my xOM are capable of NC. We both agree the A could not continue. I thought NC was the way to go and then I had my doubts about it and missed my friendship with xOM. It really is just too hard for me. I have stayed away from LS recently for feeling bad about breaking NC and I guess I deserve every comment coming to me. I am beginning to think LC is better for me.

[ednadean]

Ednadean this statement really sums up how I feel. To make things worse he just broke NC and then I did and I don't feel bad about it. Well I guess I will really get flamed for this one, but now I am actually convinced that neither myself or my xOM are capable of NC. We both agree the A could not continue. I thought NC was the way to go and then I had my doubts about it and missed my friendship with xOM. It really is just too hard for me. I have stayed away from LS recently for feeling bad about breaking NC and I guess I deserve every comment coming to me. I am beginning to think LC is better for me.

 

 

goodness!!! LS is here to support people, not shoot them down. I'm a firm believer in everyone doing what's best for them. If you think LC works best for you then that's good that you've figured that out!

 

I met up with my xMM a few days ago -- and you know what? It was the best thing I could have done. For me -- I find almost-NC makes me obsess SO much more -- because I miss him so much more.

 

When I saw him in the flesh, he became human again, not this perfect ideal. I haven't been obsessing as much since seeing him and having a really nice talk with him about life. Personally, I think LC and limited real-life chats might be the way I need to tackle this for now. It's when I start to miss him that it gets bad.

 

(((lady designer)))

[ednadean]

Extra pearls

 

• Where there are children involved your happy
  ending chances go from slim to almost impossible.

 

• If the beginning of your R isn't truthful or commence with integrity -- don't expect the middle or end of your R to have those attributes either.

 

• If you're happy to commence your A in subterfuge and as a guilty secret, and you enter into it with open eyes -- you can't get upset if there's no change to that -- no matter what you're promised.
   
  

[JumpinJimmy]

1. With a few exceptions, with men it is about about the PA or the pursuit of the PA, and with women it is the EA.

 

2. If the man is showing an interest in, or starting with an EA, it is to get to the PA.

 

3. The women in the 90% of affairs are emotionally hurt worse than the men, that is because of #1 above.

[Heather1]

So Jimmy...what does the friendship bone (no pun) really mean??

 

How do us OW know when it's REALLY over for a guy & we need to move on??

[JumpinJimmy]

Heather, those are easy.

 

• I love the friendship angle, " the best long term relationships start as friends first", is a great hook.....and it is just that, a hook.
  
• If you want to see if it is time to move on as a OW,try this. If you are in the PA with him, just cut him off without an indication that there is anything wrong, and see how he acts. Tell him that the sex gets in the way of developing your relationship, and that you really want to get to know him.....not just the "greatest hits" version that you two are showing each other. Draw on the EA part of the relationship, the part you crave, and shelve the PA for awhile. He may be agreeable at first, but his tune will change in short order.
  

[Heather1]

sorry this is off topic for a sec...

 

We were friends for a year, so I get what your saying. I actually did that & after the inevitable happened he wants to be friends again. I took a break, missed him, got the friend speech again & then initiated NC the past few weeks.

 

OK, on topic w/ pearls of wisdom when I'm all over the map??

 

I for some reason needed to learn this life lesson, this won't ever happen again.

 

Of all people, I'm glad it was him.

 

For 20 years I trusted my instincts w/ men & ran for the hills when I felt attracted. I was at a weird point where I didn't trust my instincts & somehow thought in the past I was just paranoid. I was never paranoid, I was dead on & should have trusted my gut.

[jj33]

great wisdom posted. THe other thing I would add is if you think you can "make" someone leave or they just dont understand why they need to leave, or they are trapped by an evil witch and cant leave..

 

then you know its time for you to leave.

 

If someone isnt leaving of their own volition, nothing nothing you do is going to make them leave. They leave for their reasons, when they are ready.

 

And many will feel disrespected but it is PREDATORY to try to make someone leave a marriage. Its ugly predatory behavior. Its one thing for someone to fall in love with someone other than their spouse and decide to leave, its another for the OP to try to force their hand.

 

Its natural for the OP to wish that the MP was divorced and free to be with them, its ugly predatory behavior, to do things try to get them to leave. Its their marriage, not yours. Enough said.

[Ladyblue]

I would not call this a pearl of wisdom, but after being the OW in a long-distance EA for almost a year, it did occur to me today that if I were in a real-life relationship, instead of being the OW, I would probably be making plans for the evening, and living a real life, And making real plans that might really happen, instead of every day sleeping, eating and showering with the cell phone in my hand, and spending today sitting here on the couch crying all day, and reading posts from people I don't even know on LS! All for the phone calls and empty promises of Mr. Wonderful! Aaahh, what a life I have chosen for myself!

[ednadean]

I would not call this a pearl of wisdom, but after being the OW in a long-distance EA for almost a year, it did occur to me today that if I were in a real-life relationship, instead of being the OW, I would probably be making plans for the evening, and living a real life, And making real plans that might really happen, instead of every day sleeping, eating and showering with the cell phone in my hand, and spending today sitting here on the couch crying all day, and reading posts from people I don't even know on LS! All for the phone calls and empty promises of Mr. Wonderful! Aaahh, what a life I have chosen for myself!

 

EXCELLENT point

My extra pearl is, maybe even GOLDEN RULE is:

 

if you're spending more time on LS Forums than with your AP -- time.to.run.as.fast.as.you.can.

 

[HUFI]

I for some reason needed to learn this life lesson, this won't ever happen again.

 

Only 3 Pearls?

 

1 - In this triangle, at least one person (and perhaps all three) is going to have their heart broken in two and the others will have their worlds torn asunder. Somewhere along the line, someone will have to decide which one gets hurt the most.

 

2 - Surviving the affair means a long hard journey of self-growth for all the people involved.

 

3 - You will end up learning a whole new vocabulary with words like remorse, heartbreak, guilt, shame, reconciliation, divorce, BS, OP and sometimes it will be hard to read the words as you read or type them due to the tears streaming down your face.

 

Nuff said.

[Jacky]

I learnt that the MW will talk the talk but won't walk the walk. Everything said in the A before she wants to leave is sugar coating crap with lines like "I never wanted to hurt anybody"

You will learn a lot of promises don't mean squat for her.

Surviving the affair, you will need a lot of patience and affection for the person. However end of the day the decision is not for you to decide, is upto the MM/MW. They will decide who will get hurt most.

The OM/OW are likely to be thrown to the side like a rag doll because you were just a fantasy and they need to get back into reality.

[2sure]

The Affair is Special, it creates the feelings....NOT the Affair Partners.

The MM/MW will throw OM/OW under the bus at "Hello" when it come to D-Day. Further under the wheels than required.

The Affair Partner becomes the person and develops character traits that you want them to have or they wish they had...not that they actually have in RL.

[GreenEyedLady]

The Affair is Special, it creates the feelings....NOT the Affair Partners.

The MM/MW will throw OM/OW under the bus at "Hello" when it come to D-Day. Further under the wheels than required.

The Affair Partner becomes the person and develops character traits that you want them to have or they wish they had...not that they actually have in RL.

 

2sure,

 

i realize you're hurting right now, but this isn't true. If your MP is a good person, he knows the difference.

 

I'm sorry what you're going through, but not everyone is a Narcissist. Some people just don't make the best decisions.

 

I was never thrown under the bus. And not every OP is. How many times were YOU thrown under the bus?

 

GEL

[movingforward]

Here's my 6, not necessarily pearls or wisdom.

 

1 Whenever 2 people have an affair, a woman will get badly hurt.

 

2 If you wouldn't do/say it in front of your spouse then don't do it.

 

3 For married people the distinction between "love" and being "in love" is artificial.

 

4 Dishonesty is essential for an affair.

 

5 People have an amazing capacity to fool themselves and be fooled.

 

6 There's no such thing as karma.

 

S

 

Wow.. Awesome.

[OWoman]

I was never thrown under the bus. And not every OP is.

 

Me neither.

 

Not all MMs take the "easy route". Some have the balls to do the right thing.

[OWoman]

Whenever 2 people have an affair, a woman will get badly hurt.

 

Depends on the triangle.

 

When my H's xW had an A, her then-H and her then-OM were the people who got hurt - her then-H who got messed around and finally dumped; and her then-OM who hadn't even realised she was M, until this very disturbed H showed up at his door... who then got messed around, finally "chosen" and then abused for decades once he was her H. Two victims, both men.

[2sure]

No statement can be taken to ALL or ALWAYS, I would think that would be a given...but I guess I need to add some kind of disclaimer to my signature.

 

I am not an ALL. ALWAYS, Never, etc. type of gal.

 

And I dont begrudge any of the former OW here who ended up with different results than the typical scenerio. YOU ended up with different results because you were not going to tolerate the typical scenerio from the get go.

[boldjack]

OW, I'm assuming you were talking about me when you said that some OM's have the balls to "do the right thing".:D

[boldjack]

3 pearls: 1)never invest too much in the affair 2)always end it quickly and permanently 3) Always, but always, tell everybody the complete truth, afterwards.

[OWoman]

OW, I'm assuming you were talking about me when you said that some OM's have the balls to "do the right thing".:D

 

BJ, I referred to MM's, Sweetie - not OMs... but I'm sure you always do the right thing!

[HUFI]

As I sit here mentally writing a letter to the OP (therapeutic closure letter), I believe I have found 3 more pearls of wisdom to share.

 

1 – After a lot of soul searching and separating the fantasy from reality, I can honestly say that while I might have said I love you to her to further the affair due to some unresolved feelings that I carried, in truth; I now know that I do not love the OP.

 

2 – After looking into mirror a whole lot, I have found out that I don’t like the new person that I find staring back at me and the OP doesn’t look good in the light of day either. Cheaters look like crap in the daylight.

 

3 – The only one who showed grace and true love in this whole sordid mess was my wife when despite my affair; she gave me a second chance.

 

HUFI

[moaningmyrtle]

As I sit here mentally writing a letter to the OP (therapeutic closure letter), I believe I have found 3 more pearls of wisdom to share.

 

1 – After a lot of soul searching and separating the fantasy from reality, I can honestly say that while I might have said I love you to her to further the affair due to some unresolved feelings that I carried, in truth; I now know that I do not love the OP.

 

2 – After looking into mirror a whole lot, I have found out that I don’t like the new person that I find staring back at me and the OP doesn’t look good in the light of day either. Cheaters look like crap in the daylight.

 

3 – The only one who showed grace and true love in this whole sordid mess was my wife when despite my affair; she gave me a second chance.

 

HUFI

 

As a BW, I would dearly like to hear something like this from my own H - very especially No 3. I hope you've told her this.

[HUFI]

As a BW, I would dearly like to hear something like this from my own H - very especially No 3. I hope you've told her this.

 

Yes I have.

 

I'm spilling my guts in letters and phone calls but in my particular circumstances, my BS is having a difficult time resolving the issues that the affair have brought to the surface. It was my failure to properly resolve "past issues" that lead to the affair but becasue I held onto those feelings for 30 years, my BS is understandably aphrehensive that I still might have some tucked away still.

 

Still, with some good advice from some other posters on other threads, I believe that I can earn her trust again.

 

I was given some advice on my first post here by Gamine that I have taken to heart (Decide. Choose. Commit. Period) and I am determined to follow them to the letter.

 

I guess that they also could be Pearls of Wisdom too!

[ednadean]

men who are in the frame of mind to cheat on their wife and family -- are also probably in the frame of mind to not tell you the truth about their feelings.