Better to break it off or not?

[steffany]

Why does it seem some days we wake up and look in the mirror and wonder who we are and when did time pass by so quickly?

 

Yesterday was a day like that for me.

 

I woke up and almost didn't recongnize myself. How long must it had been since I really looked at myself. I noticed how beautiful my skin was for the first time in my life. And my hair cut short and sassy and died dark brown after a lifetime of long naturally blonde hair. And I looked pretty happy. I mean I didn't look depressed or overly sad.

 

When I walked into my office I smiled to myself pleased with how far I have come. I am a pretty big success in my office. 26 years old and have my own office with a view. And the pay is far from bad. I guess all that college payed off after all.

 

After work I met my boyfriend and friends at a local bar for sh**s and giggles. My best friend shows first. She is so excited to be graduating college this year with an engineer degree. I'm happy for her. I'm glad she too is making something of herself.

 

Then my boyfriend walks in he is so handsome.

 

But for the first time it is very obviouse to me he is 12 years older. I wonder to myself why is a 38 year old dating a 26 year old? Why has he not been married yet? Why is he still trying to get his career on the path he would like it to be on?

 

Oh who cares I love him.

 

But this dagging starts in my head. I'm listening to him tell my best friend about some of the girls she chooses to be friends with. And how he thinks she deserves better friends. And he goes on and on giving her advice on life and friends and choices. And I think who is this 38 year old man who doesn't have a stable career and still likes to party at the club every weekend telling a 22 year old who is about to graduate in a tough area of studies she needs to change.

 

I then realize that I don't like what I'm looking at. I grab my things and give him a kiss on the cheek and tell him I think we are over.

 

But why? He has always been so good to me. And I love him. I get in my car and began to cry. I cry so hard my head hurts. I am confused.

 

I turn off all my ringers and make some tea. The next day he comes by and we talk. I don't have a real reason for breaking it off. We make up and spend a wonderful evening together.

 

I'm still not happy.

 

Can any one offer any advice on how to get over this slump? I do love him but ever since that day I analyzed my life I feel broken hearted with him and more so without him. But why do I hurt when we are still together? And why did I hurt so badly without him?

 

I think maybe because I dreamed my bf to be successful in life and wanted my parents to be proud of him.

 

I am really lost and confused right now. Where does a person go when their heart and their head want two different things?

[moimeme]

It sounds as though you have a set of expectations for your life and that your actual life is not measuring up.

 

I think maybe because I dreamed my bf to be successful in life and wanted my parents to be proud of him

 

Or maybe you are using this issue as a scapegoat for other issues.

 

Remember, the pain you are feeling may not have anything to do with him. However, only you can dig out of yourself what your true desires are. If you absolutely must have a successful man and nothing else will do, then dump the bf because you'll resent him for not being the man you want. Having said that, I'm hoping you realize that 'success' is relative and that it can vanish very quickly. Trump himself went bankrupt a couple of times. You might want to examine exacty what 'success' means to you. Do you want to be surrounded by wealth? Do you think he is somehow lacking because he didn't fixate on a career as soon as he left school? Do you equate his 'lack of success' with qualities or people you dislike?

 

You need to know what, exactly, you need in a partner. Then decide if you are willing to trade off some qualities for others because it's rare that you'll find someone with every single thing on your 'shopping list'. Then sort out whether he has enough of the 'needed' qualities that you could be happy trading 'success' for them.

[steffany]

I think every one has a set of expectations and goals in their life. That's what drives us to be who we are.

 

You brought up a great question for myself...what does success mean to me.

 

I guess for me success is very easy. Having a job or a career that you have advanced in or have noticable desires to be better at it.

 

Do I feel successful? A bit. I have further to go.

 

Having said that is it fair for me to not be as successful as I wish but have bad feelings for my bf to not be as far as he desires?

 

I will state that hopefully by the age of 38 I at least have a full time job.

 

He is a great guy but he has never advanced past his high school employment.

 

He has never gone to college...although he always emphasises on it's importance and how it is never too late.

 

I do not see wealth as success. Because he is better off than I am financially most of the time.

 

He is brialliant when it comes to home wiring. Especially "smart homes". But he only works when he needs money and sometimes that doesn't fall through because there have been months where he needs to borrow money for rent.

 

He always pays me back pronto but I just feel he could be doing more. I don't think I want a bf who is not driven to be the best he can at everything he does.

 

Or maybe it is my own faults.

 

I'm not sure. I feel pretty good about myself and my life so far though.

[trying]

if he is not what you truly want, it is selfish of you to string him along

 

you may have conflicting values...which can be difficult to overcome

 

are the two of you truly compatible? or do you see more and more issues further along down the road?

 

you might need to take some time away from him, say a week or two, and really think and feel about this...don't just disappear though, let him know that you need space, and will talk to him later...set a date to talk with him, so that he knows you are not playing head games with him

[moimeme]

He always pays me back pronto but I just feel he could be doing more. I don't think I want a bf who is not driven to be the best he can at everything he does.

 

That could be critical. Differing goals and values are pretty important to a couple. I know at least one family that has managed to be very happy even though the male partner really didn't ever get work. It wasn't that he made a conscious decison to be a househusband; he just couldn't get his act together to get into the labour force but he had sufficient other qualities, particularly his care for the children when they came along, that his wife chose to stay.

 

Me, I kept taking up with people with no financial prospects LOL. The person to whom I was married planned, when we were discussing marriage, to be an Anglican priest. It would have been fine with me if he had but he actually went on to a different career. A couple other fellows, though, had trouble keeping jobs because of personal issues and it was the underlying issues that dealt the death blows to those relationships.

 

If his shaky career causes you a lot of distress, then you probably should not continue the relationship. You did say he was 'trying to get his career on the path he would like it to be on?' Is he any closer? Has he made definite plans? If so, you might want to delay your decision to see whether he carries out his plans. If not, well, it will be a tough choice.

[sinking]

Hi Steffany,

 

Someone told me a long time ago that is best to deal with people that are on your own level. Not sure how to break it down to specifics, but generally and for example, education. You have a college degree, and he doesn't, does that bother you? Up to you totally! Would it matter if he went back and formalized his experiences through a diploma of some type of another. Is that the proof you need (since you did it yourself) to ensure that he is successful via your standards? Is that going to make him speak better, become more well rounded, be more worldy, or ensure that he works the 5 or 10 year plan? (I don't know).

 

 

I understand your concerns, because you have worked hard to make something of your life! So as such, you may or even do expect the same in your partner.

 

Now, what about the other stuff. Is he good to you, does he respect you enough to understand and accept that you may be a little more formally educated than you, or is he jealous. Do you get that warm, cozy feeling when you see him because you know deep down...he is a good MAN?

 

Bottom line, can you live with him just the way he is, if he never became more successful to the standards you have set? Because he is a little older, you may not be able to change or enhance his life in those ways. Would that still make you happy and feel the same way for him?

 

 

Just a thought! But you know, from the sounds of it! Your life is going pretty good! You obviously have a good perspective on the job, your own idea of yourself, and the aspects of your relationship. Enjoy the time, until you feel it is really imperative in your life to make a decision as to stick with him, or grow and mature in other ways (move on).

 

Again, just my own little opinion.

 

Sinking

[Arabess]

I guess you would have to ask yourself.....If this is as good as he's ever gonna get - do I still want to spend the rest of my life with him?

 

If the answer is yes....then proceed knowing you love him enough to overlook his shortcomings.

 

If the answer is no.....then you'll have to face a breakup, go thru some separation blues down time and then face the new possibilites life has for you.

 

I understand what you are saying though. If I met a man, regardless of how attractive he may be, who did not have the initiative to set goals for his life....the lack of admiration I had for him would over shadow any other feelings I may have for him.

 

Arabess

[steffany]

trying-

You say that if is not truly what I want I should leave. I also agree. I also disagree because we all know there is not a perfect man or woman out there. We all have short comings.

 

I don't think his mind is being played with. I am very honest with him and why I feel this way.

 

I tried to break it off the other night but "really" must not had wanted to because we talked and decided to try one more time. Since this is the only issue. But I wasn't sure if it can work.

 

Trust me his mind is being played with no more than my own. Love is like that I think.

 

I will definitely try the time away. See how both us feel without seeing each other on a daily biases.

 

Who knows maybe we just became too wrapped up in each other.

 

 

 

moimeme-

 

Greatly stated. He just sent out head shots and his resume to California to be in a movie. I'm thrilled that he is finally making some noticeable steps.

 

And I think I will wait to see how it plays out before making any crucial decisions.

 

Thank you for slowing me down. I have been about to jump the gun and act irrational.

 

 

 

Sinking-

 

What some one told you is probably very true. Maybe a saying I need to listen to next time.

 

And to answer your questions:

 

Does it bother me he has no college degree? No...except when he lectures others they need to have one. I don't dig double standards.

 

And yes I would be very proud of him if he went back and got a degree. Because I think he would really like to have one under his belt. At least that is what I believe from all his rants to others.

 

No it will definitely not make him more well spoken...he is smart already. And no it won't make him more well rounded or more wordily. But it will give him more knowledge. And knowledge is an asset no one can take from us.

 

yes he is a great man. He treats me more than well and is proud of me and all my accomplishments and actually brags about me to his friends.

 

Do I still get the zsa zsa szu? (butterflies and warm cozies) No doubt. He has that magic something.

 

I don't know how I would feel if he never does more with his life. That's why I am so confused.

 

I think I will take your and moimeme's advice of staying with him a bit longer. I am in love so it won't hurt to enjoy what I have a bit longer and see what comes in the future.

 

 

 

Arabess-

 

I don't know if I would want to spend the rest of my life with him if this is as good as it's going to get. That's the problem.

 

I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from though. I thought I was over reacting and being dumb. This is the first time I have been in the situation where a relationship may end and we are still in love. Usually it's because lack of love, the guy has been a bad guy, or there was cheating going on. This is really difficult.

[BraveGirl]

My relationship was plagued with the success and career issues you have. My ex is 37 too (me 35). He dropped out of university but has had a good career which he is now bored of. I have done all sorts of things and lots of education.

We are both very well equated in terms of status, education etc, but he is OBSESSED with status.

Whereas everyone says how much I have done with my life he has constantly criticised my choices and the fact that I have changed course in my life.

 

But the thing is that I KNOW I have done more with my life so far than he has, and probably will do. Yet he puts all the pressure on me to be successful.

Now we are apart I see a 37 year old man with no job, no money, very intelligent and likeable etc, but he does NOTHING now, he doesn't know what to do. I look through the love I have for him and wonder if I see a loser.

 

I have said I don;t mind, that I am happy to stand by him, but he responds by criticising ME for not doing more.

I can see that all our problems come down to the fact that he only wants me if I am the successful painter he thinks I should be. He was/ is SO CROSS I have not done that, it actually put him off me. Yet what is HE doing? NOTHING!

 

Double standards?

 

I have thought about this so so much and have always come to the conclusion that if you really do love that person, and as you say know that noone is perfect, it does not matter.

 

Maybe a really successful person would not be so great a partner in other ways?

When I was younger the most important quality in a person/ partner was their drive/ talent/ love of doing something.

Now I am older and soppier I have put more importance on a good man, simple as that.

But now I think perhaps I was right when I was younger?

 

I am not trying to sway you either way, I don't have the right to, Just understand your position a little.

[steffany]

I'm so glad to hear that there other people with simular issues.

 

I do want to say I never nag him or push him or bug him about jobs and his career. I just encourage him

 

I make sure I tell him often how great he is at acting and has he had an leads on anything. I tell him all the time he is going to be some one.

 

And I beleive he will be some day. I just don't know if I can't wait it out until he gets the passion and fire to go after it.

 

I know he can get what he really desires. I turned him down for 8 months before I finally went on a date with him. Talk about drive.

 

I just wish he would get it back where ever it went.

 

I wish love wasn't so complicated either.

 

Seems so easy at first either it works or it doesn't. Either you like him or you don't. The older we got so many more things played into it.

 

Well I will stick it out for a time longer.

[sinking]

Bravegirl!

 

Tell that man to take a good look in the mirror and to "Get off your back". You are doing fine, especially in comparison to him. You are moving and progressing......when you want. You know your own goals, and ideas, and facets as to to what you step into via future careers and so forth. Tell him, TALK TO THE HAND!

 

Steffany...thank you for not taking my questions in a negative response. Again, no one is getting hurt. You are young, attractive, and yes...still growing. You are dating him.....unless he has given the rock. Enjoy the places you go together, the conversations, and the good stuff about relationships. But, something tells me this will be in the back of your mind for sometime, especially has youcontinue to aspire. Once you start feeling yourself looking down on him (if it happens), then get on out the door. Move forward with your arms and mind wide open.

 

For me........I tell ya, after the disaster I just went through (okay today), I would give anything to sit down, have a nice meal, pleasant conversation with a true gentleman. Just talk, laugh, and feel special for that one moment. It will come! I hope!

 

 

Good luck to you both! I think you both can aspire to anything you want!

[julieg]

steffany,

i feel that i your guy is saying or exhibiting actions that can potentially really bother you in the future, you need to seriously consider looking elsewhere. perhaps his lack of motivation in his business could be enhanced if you encouraged him to really apply himself and build something(a successful business) for the future for the two of you. i personally could not deal with a guy that only worked when he needed money.

[steffany]

sinking-

 

I think you definantly find the someone like you want. Because you are being very positive and insperational for others despite what hostility, hurt or anger you currently have.

 

I will share a seceret with you. After every bad relationship I decide to start something new up. Like indoor rock climbing or dancing classes or live jazz clubs (jazz and blues are good for broken hearts).

 

I always say "I'm going to take up an interest in ____ so I can get back to myself before I meet anyone new"

 

Girl I think it is lie I tell myself because every "good" guy I have met. Is a few months after a break up and of me doing this new found interest.

 

I meet them at jazz clubs or sport events or art classes.

 

I have found that while gaining knowledge and interest in something new you also come across good people and guys. Who aren't out at the club hitting on every girl they can.

 

Good luck!

[sinking]

Steffany!

 

I am okay! I did what was right, not based just on what I felt. People are kind in nature, and if the one you love is cruel for no reason whatsoever, then it is time to flee. I can breathe today and I know I deserve to give and receive the same kind of kindness and respect.

 

The hobbies, and the other events are going to come along. Right now, I am simply grateful to have back control and yes, enjoy an evening alone, doing what I want to do.

 

I'll take it, the rest will come.

 

But, thank you!

 

Kind Regards,

 

Sinking (not anymore)

[BraveGirl]

Steffany,

 

I could detect real frustration in what you have written about your bf. That you believe in him but are getting tired of encouraging him and waiting for his drive to return.

That is exactly how my ex talks to me and others about me, and makes me feel guilty seeing how it makes the other feel.

 

He is an actor yes? I am supposedly a painter. Those kind of careers are very very insecure, you often feel comletely out of the loop of 'normal' working life.

 

Incase it gives any insight; my reasons for losing my drive in painting are; the fear of being alone out there without the security of a job, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of not being able to make money, the fear that it does not count like a 'normal' job does etc etc.

All this can paralyse you.

 

My ex banged his head against a wall for 2 years while I tried to explain all this to him. He got fed up and disillusioned.

Every time I applied for a 'proper' job, and got one, he was discouraging and persuaded me not to take it. So now I am doing nothing either!

Don't dare paint and don't dare get a job.

It may sound pathetic but I feel paralysed, esp now that we are no longer together.

 

If he feels like I feel he needs your support and encouragement.

If he's just playing around with his life and not thinking seriously, then maybe you should worry.

[moimeme]

BraveGirl -

 

There's also the option of 'all of the above', isn't there? Why not get a 'properl' job AND paint? I have a friend who's a sculptor but she's done it while she worked.

[BraveGirl]

Yes you're right moimeme. At the moment I want to blame it on my ex, who as I said boycotted every job I went for. I got so confused, he was telling me what I could/should and shouldn't do under the guise of 'I know best, trust me and you'll be ok'. Very seductive to hear. And now post break up feel like I am not capable of doing anything at all. Feel a mess.

 

But don't want to take any more space from Steffany's thread.

 

I am also realising that artists (that includes actors etc) do not have a good grip on living in professinal life. I hate subscribing to that, that's why I left it in the first place as I hated that artist idolisation crap, but now I'm wondering if their is soemthing in your nature that leads to people like Steffany's bf's and my uselessness at life.

 

Enough of this rubbish, sorry!

[moimeme]

If you ask the mods nicely, they'll hive this off for your very own thread. Just one thought for you: depression. It is the best paralyzer there is.

[julieg]

perhaps from what i've read these relationships are not working because the couples are really not suited for each other and they are hanging on out of familiarity.

my ex-(who appeared to have nothing on the ball) married someone after we broke up. later i found out that he became this incredibly successful entrepeneur- essentially all that i had ever wanted him to be. at first i said i missed the boat cause i really loved him (4++ years intense relationship) now i have come to the realization that he is what he is in spite of me and because maybe his wife was a really good influence in a way i could have never been. largely because i had my own career and goals to concentrate on. he needed someone who really looked up to him and although i loved him it just wasn't enough.

[BraveGirl]

moimeme

Sorry. Depression, yes.

 

julie

Maybe you're right and it's brave to admit that.

 

Over to you now Steffany...

[steffany]

Bravegirl-

 

I too am an artist but do more than paint. Depends on how crazy my life is by what I choose to do. When life gets me angry I tend to do more sculpting or building but as for painting that is a medium I use on average when I just want to "let myself free".

 

Oh what I was telling you is it took me 2 years to find what will work for me. I am like you an artist...and it's hard to find a job or career that doesn't...well...depress you after too long. Or tire of.

 

What I did was inroll in a 2 year college (The Art Institute) and picked what best fit me out of the classes they had. I actually doubled up and got 2 degrees in animation and graphics. Not extremely artistic but it will do for what I had planned. After I graduated I got a job at an art studio as an assistant and learned a lot about medal sculpting.

 

While there I got certified to teach. That doesn't mean a lot more school. It isn't another degree just certification to teach something you do have a degree in.

 

Then I was sent to a local high school where I taught young adults who mainly wanted to be in art class. You don't get too many at that age that just take it for a credit. There are a few but not many. While there I had summer and evenings and breaks to paint and still do what made me really happy.

 

Of coarse not long after that I got offered an opportunity to do what I am doing now and that is 3D modeling.

 

And now I am about to leave here also and get a position in a large company heading their graphics department.

 

And yes I still paint almost daily. It's an outlet for me. I get unhappy when I am detached from my creative side.

 

I know this may not work for you. But I just wanted you to know that there are things out there you can use as stepping stones. And really in the beggining I got my first job as an assistant to earn money so I could paint and sculpt at home I didn't even really want to advance.

 

But even if you want to paint and that is it. Then I say go for it. You are an insperation like my ex. He lives in Flordia and lives off his art work. He is very poor but the happiest man I've met. And at the same time the most depressed. Maybe it's the plague of being an artist who knows.

 

And maybe I just want to see my man succeed in something. Anything. I just want to see a smile when I come home rather than a very depressed man at the lack of work that is driving him crazy. It really makes me sad for him. But maybe I'm tired of being sad for him since I feel the best time to look for and find a job is when you already have a job.

 

I feel like we all have to sacrifice things. I have sacrificed my great longing to sit in my studio (exrtra room) and paint all day and all night and not even know what time it is day or night. And I think he should also sacrifice a little.

 

Maybe it is my issue more than his.