marlena Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 It might sound like a boringly sensible solution, but it's got to be less painful than banging your head over and over against a brick wall. Trying to punish someone like that is as futile as it is to try to change them. The more she tries to punish him, the more she's investing in a bad situation that she should be trying to put behind her now. I agree wholeheartedly. What he has done beats even the most outlandish Hollywood scenario. This is not your run-of-the-mill infidelity. This man is an imposter, a con man, a pathological liar, a deeply disturbed individual. Nothing will change this sad fact. She should rip him off in one sweeping gesture the way you would a band-aid. What is important is that she preserves her mental health and that of her children. 2sure, I am sorry if my words sound harsh but the reality that you are now facing is harsh and it can only be dealt with drastic measures. It will take time to absorb the shock but when you do, I am confident that you will see that you simply had no other choice than to leave. It was the same with me. I HAD TO go. Link to post Share on other sites
Aquarius Rising Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 It gives me a little relief that... The scope of what he has done, clearly indicates mental illness. Still, its just a little relief. My heart goes out to you 2sure, you have certainly been there for me at my worst times. This is not a qualified opinion, but it does sound like a sex addiction with the behaviours you describe. If so, this can only be treated like any other serious addiction ... with the right professional intervention. Do not blame yourself 2sure. Addicts will go to ANY length to feed their addiction ... and if that's what this is ... there would have been little, if anything you could have done to stop it. Go gently .... my thoughts are with you, know that there are lots of people thinking of you who care. ((hugs)) AR Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 2sure weve not had a peep from you in several days. No pressure to post. Just letting you know we are thinking of you. Big hugs jj Link to post Share on other sites
In_Repair Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Sorry for your troubles 2sure. It sucks to be cheated on, especially after they have cheated previously and you have taken the very difficult steps to try and get past it. The thing that bugs me though... you stated earlier that "if someone has kicked their dog... I can find out about it". Then how did you end up married to a serial cheater? I ask this because the notion being thrown around is that his cheating has nothing to do with you, and he is simply broken. Did he become "broken" after marrying you? Then how can the assumption be made that it has nothing to do with you? My question isn't an attack, and I am truly sorry that you are facing this... I just don't understand that one point. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 And it very well may be true that he actually loves you, 2sure, in his own way. But I would still ask him, grill him, and make him dance in order to answer the friggin' question, 'Why me and why stay married?'. And then I'd make him cry. It isn't love, though. Its him trying to use her love as a reflection of himself. And any tears he'd cry, would be for himself. Not for anyone else. He'd be crying over what he is losing, not over who he hurt in the process. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Oh my in repair - if its not an attack it is SURELY an insensitive question. Maybe in the future you can direct your curiousity towards things like the meaning of life and let 2sure's story unfold when she is not dealing with the shock of everything Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 2sure, I just caught up with this...I'd completely missed this thread up until now. I'm very sorry to hear that you're going through this. And I'm going to give you the advice I'd give anyone else... You know that this wasn't "an accident". All of these affairs/incidents/whatever were by no means some arbitrary fluke in his life. They're clear indicators of who he really is. He's not going to stop, not going to change. I would advise you to not even consider any of this "offers" along these lines. You will NEVER be safe with a man like this in your life. I'd suggest that you ensure that you've got the most viscious divorce attorney known in the 50 states, and make sure that you walk out of this financially secure and completely seperated and segregated from this 'man'. Don't listen further to his lies trying to convince you to stay. Do what your lawyer says, protect yourself, and remove this tumor from your life. He's a professional serial cheater. He created an entire new persona to meet this desire of his. You can't cope with that, can't reason with someone like this. Take care of yourself, friend. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Saw my old therapist. Saturday and this morning. I seem to be getting by, but having anxiety. She offered me meds. I declined because I want to think about that. I'm not sure thats the route for me...anyone else have some experience? I have , through PMs received a lot of support - which virtual or not, has helped me very much. As to advice, criticism etc...it doesnt matter. What IS important is that I have somewhere that I am being sincere to myself, and right now, its here. I am quite surprised by the number of posters here who have experienced infidelity in a similar way to my own. With serial cheaters and even others who have made up seperate "lives". Quite a few. Many of whom have stayed for a wide variety of reasons. For the moment I am just getting through each day. Daughter is starting school , I have a professional project I am trying w/o much success to focus on. I know this: It was never about the money. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 If you can stay away from meds, do so! Try yoga instead.. Deep breathing and yoga, brisk walks can help ward off anxiety and anxious feelings.. I'm an expert on anxiety issues, so feel free to ask me anything! I'm an openbook when it comes to that since I have had an anxiety disorder.. Keeping busy, distracting yourself is obvious, but easier said than done when it comes to anxiety.. Sometimes a change in scenery, or making a phone call to a friend, having a good laugh at something stupid will also help. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 OH and JOURNAL your thoughts and feelings.. Daily.. Stay away from eating foods that have alot of sugar, and caffiene too. Nothing worse than anxiety on caffeine! Hope this helps 2Sure. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 I know this: It was never about the money. Are you thinking about staying, and getting accused of doing so for the money? I agree with Owl's assessment, and would urge you to get out of this marriage. But I do know you well enough to say this: if you DO stay, I have no doubt that money has nothing to do with it. Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 The thing that bugs me though... you stated earlier that "if someone has kicked their dog... I can find out about it". Then how did you end up married to a serial cheater? I ask this because the notion being thrown around is that his cheating has nothing to do with you, and he is simply broken. Did he become "broken" after marrying you? Then how can the assumption be made that it has nothing to do with you? I tend to agree with jj33 on this one, this sounds like you're implying this is 2sure's fault and that leaves an icky feeling behind. Anyway, in response to your wondering out loud, let me say that lots of people are broken for a long time and escalate to dysfunctional behaviors over time - it's progressive, like alcoholism. He was clearly broken from the start, this is the 3rd time she's had a d-day with him, and if I recall, the first time wasn't long after they got married. I believe it's a reflection on him as a person- he has compulsions that she can't control, and it honestly has nothing to do with her. What you've suggested is like blaming the wife of an alcoholic for his drinking. Secondly, assuming she loved this man and had a trusting relationship, she had no reason to go checking up on him until after the 1st d-day, and I don't like the implication that she was naive for not doing so when they first got together. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Wow. I just found this thread, and I want to just let you know that I feel for you. I have not experienced the pain you have, so I can only imagine. Living the double life unfortunately is common for those who have a desire to cheat even when they have the best of marriages. The fact that he called himself single and had many different women shows that it had nothing to do with you. He cannot blame you. When a man pre-plans so many affairs, he shows that he does so out of a narcissistic personality and the enjoyment of the thrill from a secret life. His arrogance and pride are his guides rather than his conscience and his love. Please keep posting here. I am impressed by how many here are as I who wish you the best and want to help you see this through. While it is easy for me to say that life will get better, I say it with the knowledge that there is still a journey through a valley of pain before the light returns. Hugs and a shoulder to cry on. James Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Then how did you end up married to a serial cheater? I ask this because the notion being thrown around is that his cheating has nothing to do with you, and he is simply broken. Did he become "broken" after marrying you? Then how can the assumption be made that it has nothing to do with you? He is a political figure. I can't remember whether he is appointed or elected but it matters not. He has gone to great lengths to hide his activity from his family and his public. He has invested money and time into his hobby which is more than just about his sexuality. His compulsion ivolves an incredible amount of risk taking, he stands to loose EVERYTHING including the power that makes him so deisrable. That type of risk taking is a component of a major addiction. During a symposium on addiction, the lecture that drove it home to every attendee was the session on gambling addiction. These were big time professionals, people who didn't need the money, and the drive wasn't about winning. It was the risk involved in moving money (stolen, borrowed) to fund the gambling. It was about risking EVERYTHING they had worked their adult lives to attain. THIS is what he is doing. Another component is the Narcissism, which is fed not only by the women he meets by mostly by "pulling one over" on not only his wife but his supporters, public ect... How slick and cool is he! He leads two lives because he isn't a whole man. 2sure, plays a major part for HIM. She is part of who he wants the world to think he is, not the other part that he revels in alone. This is no more about her than it would be if he had 12 toes, this is about HIM, and his own illness. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 NOT to defend myself, but just to answer a fair question and one that I have asked myself and answered: Was he broken before or did he break after marrying? He is the same man now that he was when I married him. I knew he had been a player. He was 40 years old, never married, never engaged, never lived with anyone , never really had a serious long term relationship. I just thought: I'm the ONE. He would tell me all the time: I waited my whole life for you. He has cheated before so why did I stay? First time, was a "hook up" for some kinky sex that happened just before our wedding. The rest of that episode was basically just the fact that he still communicated with exes and didnt tell me. Nothing incriminating, but still. I think I reconciled it to making the big leap and giving all that up. The next time was text messages with random women who would seek him out to flirt with because of his position. Hundreds of messages between him and several women. I , I thought, made my position clear. So - anyway - thats why I stayed. Right or wrong, doesnt matter. He cries. Its for himself. I cannot figure out how he can look in my eyes and still see love. It just isnt there. It was not about sex. He thinks it is. He had coffee and lunch way more than sex. Those he pursued the most were those that turned him down. Often, he turned down offers from those that did not resist. When I say it was never about the money... I have posted before questioning the fact that there have been incidents in my RL when I have been called a gold digger. I can admit that the accusation is not without some small merit. But I know that if he could cure himself, I would give everything up and live with him in a trailer. I know that I would, and I'm happy that, if nothing else...I learned this about myself. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 2sure, I haven't been here in a while and I just saw this thread. All I can say is I'm so sorry. I'm really speechless and I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Do you have an idea about what you're going to do? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Do you have an idea about what you're going to do? Nope. Right now, I'm kind of feeling like I did before I met him... Like "Love" (as in a man/woman relationship) is not necessarily something that, my fault or not, is not going to be the main focus of my life. I dont think that thought has to be seen as unrealistic, or dark, or bitter or sad. Sometimes its just a fact. There are other ways to be loved, give love, be fulfilled and content. That being said, I dont know what I'm going to DO. I'll do what I can make work. Isnt that what we all do? Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Sounds like the last few days have done you a world of good. Big hugs jj Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Interestingly enough it turns out it is not me that holds all the cards. We have scrapped the mediator crap and gone right for attorneys. His object and motivation is to stay married for whatever reasons. My own is to come out with some kind of life I can deal with. He is doing everything rapidly and I am not following everything. Anyway, he has also asked that we start going to church. Has arranged some kind of IC as well as some kind of addiction retreat. Had his guy call me and tell me that I have a nice life. WTF?? Has told me he would understand and be OK with staying married , never again having sex, and living in separate homes (we commute between two cities) for as much as appearances will allow. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Interestingly enough it turns out it is not me that holds all the cards. Just because he got to an attorney first and had the guy call and try to intimidate you? That's SO not true. Stay strong, hon, and see what your own lawyer says. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 2sure, And this guy is going to be a politician? Sorry about what happened, that's crazy. And maybe is a good thing for you to get away with your daughter, maybe he'll fall in love with her. It happens. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Has told me he would understand and be OK with staying married , never again having sex, and living in separate homes (we commute between two cities) for as much as appearances will allow. Anything to keep up appearances, eh? You've indicated, before all this came to light, that the "appearances" end of your life was unsatisfying, or at least not satisfying enough. I really, really don't think you want a marriage consisting of nothing but appearances. One in which you're reduced to little more than an asset/adjunct to his career. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Just because he got to an attorney first and had the guy call and try to intimidate you? That's SO not true. Stay strong, hon, and see what your own lawyer says. That's what I read it as, too. Intimidation. "Hey look, you gotta nice life, nice house, nice lifestyle. You don't want to screw that up, yaknowwhatimean?" Link to post Share on other sites
eyeswide Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 2sure, you KNOW they know you know. They're only doing this to you because you do have the cards and the potential to blow his reputation to smithereens (though I doubt his attorney knows as much as you do!). LOL -- they also know you have the skills to personally conduct the execution of his public self and that it would be epic... Don't think for a second that he's not afraid. So just keep in mind that you do have the cards and those cards are going to buy you the time you need to stop reeling and start dealing. Link to post Share on other sites
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