Is honesty always the best policy??

[d1410]

After months of deliberating on whether I should tell a close guy friend that I had romantic feelings or not, I went ahead and told him I had developed feelings for him that were stronger than friendship. We have known each other for a year and a half and recenlty (4months or so) started spending more time together.

 

He doesn't seem to be taking it well. He said he wanted to remain only friends and then we both started to feel uncomfortable, so we didn't talk further.

 

It's only been a few days since I was honest with him but he has been distant and answering my emails with only a few short sentences.

 

Is his behaviour normal considering the circumstances? Should I stop calling him, emailing him, etc and let him be for awhile?

 

One problem is that we see each other every other week because we are both a part of a group. SHould I pull out of the group? I think NOW he feels like maybe he flirted with me too much and that he gave off the "wrong" signals to me. Not intentionally, because that is his personality. Can I make him feel better by telling him it's not his fault...but just how I feel.

 

Any advice is welcome :-)

 

confused girl

[moimeme]

Unfortunately, it seems, the risk you take in telling someone you want more than friendship is that exactly what happened to you happens - the person gets wierded out and flees or avoids you. I'm not exactly sure why. I can only figure that they think you're going to want something back from them and they want no part of that. If you're fine to remain friends and really can manage without expecting anything from him, maybe send one more email to state that and then let him be.

 

SHould I pull out of the group?

 

Absolutely not! You've done nothing wrong other than say you care about him. However, you could see where he might be a tad uncomfortable if you're going to go and gaze at him with longing puppy eyes. You have to behave exactly as you have always been with him, or maybe a bit cooler for a while, so he'll see that you're not going to cling and pine. Of course, if you are the type to cling and pine, forget what I just said.

[midori]

Obviously when you mentioned your feelings to your friend, you were hoping they would be reciprocated, or that he would at least be receptive to them. Now it's up to you to demonstrate that you're fine with things remaining simply as friends. But that has to be the truth! If you're not OK with just being friends, you need to admit that (to yourself) and withdraw a bit. Of course you don't have to quit the group you're both in.

 

He's probably avoiding you because he's worried that you'll misinterpret his friendliness for interest; or that you're waiting for him to warm up to you, think some more about what you've said, and change his mind.

 

If you really are OK with him as just a friend, I'd let another week or so pass, and then send him an email saying something like, "I hope the fact that I told you about my feelings for you hasn't made you feel uncomfortable around me. I absolutley accept that they're not shared, with no hard feelings." See what he says, and then take if from there, a bit slowly though. Don't email quite so much, don't suggest getting together more than once a week. Make it clear you're not hounding him. It might take a little while but you two can find your footing as friends again.

 

But only if you're really really really OK with just being friends.

[crazyglue03]

I agree with midori. Let some time pass between the two of you. Only he can tell you for sure what his interpretation is of the issue. Maybe he is just letting the idea of the two of you together sink in, or maybe he does just want to be friends only. Wait it out if you can because instead of gaining a potential mate, you may lose a friend if you badger him about his feelings.

 

Good luck!

[Arabess]

I've had guys tell me things I really didn't want to hear cause I thought of them as a friend and nothing more.

 

Midori is correct......he's gonna give the "uncomfortableness" some time.....then all will be well. Consider it as a "cue" he does not feel the same way as you do at this time. Continue to be his friend....till he shows he is ready to persue a different type of relationship with you.

[d1410]

Thanks everyone...your replies have been very helpful. I am in fact OK with being just friends, so I guess he just needs some distance from me for awhile.

 

Should I wait to tell him I'm ok with just friends status ? or should I tell him that right away. I don't want him to feel bad worrying about our next meeting (which is tomorrow

 

thanks again!

[Arabess]

Maybe text message him.....make a light joke out of it. Tell him something to the tune of "I am happy being in like with you!"

[midori]

I would let some time pass before saying anything. If you say something very soon after telling him how you feel, you're showing that this is a big, active issue in your mind. Which is exactly what he's afraid of. You don't want to come across as impatient and very eager.

 

Part of the problem with this situation is that the person who is the object of the other's affection (P1), is not sure if he/she has been behaving in a way that nurtured the other's (P2) feelings. P1 doesn't want to give the wrong impression, or be in any way responsible for P2 liking them more than as just a friend. What P1 needs right now is space. P2 needs to make it clear that this decision hasn't crushed them, that they have plenty of other things going on in their life.

 

So, P2 (ha ha), I suggest that you don't email/phone/text him before the meeting tomorrow, however much you want to. Greet him when you see him, be warm and polite as you always would. Neither seek him out specifically nor obviously avoid him. You may need to take control a little bit, because if it's clear that you're trying to take your cues from him it will be even more awkward. So just go to the meeting focused primarily on the purpose of the meeting, and view your interaction with him as a peripheral but positive thing.