My fiance and my ex are going at it!!

[EricaH329]

So i've been going back and forth about whether to post this or not for the last couple of days, and since i'm still unsure of what to do, I figured I might as well. This is going to be a long one.

 

I know what this post is going to make me look like, and i'm asking anyone who reads this to try and put their judgements of me aside and try to focus on the problem that i'm involved in.

 

If you've read any of my past posts, you'd know that me and my fiance had broken up, and I was devastated. We eventually worked things out and are back together again. Things are going great. He really seems to be invested in our relationship, and doing everything he can to make it work. But... there's something that is a really big issue in our relationship right now, and it's stressing us both out.

 

Me and my ex have been great friends ever since we broke up about 2 years ago. He's been there for me when no one else was. He's done a lot for me and I truly appreciate him. He's always been the shoulder i've cried on when something was bothering me, and when I was in some real financial problems he was the only one who helped me out.

 

With all that said, when my fiance and I broke up, I was desperatly searching for some sort of validation. I knew I wasn't going to be able to emotionally give myself to someone, but I figured that maybe I could give myself physically to someone, and it would help the pain of not being with my fiance. Stupid, I know, I learned that the hard way. Not only did it not help with the pain, but it actually made it a million times worse! Anyway, as you have probably figured out by now, it was my ex that I slept with. I felt most comfortable with him.

 

When my fiance and I got back together, he asked me if I had slept with anyone. I did not lie. I told him I did. When he asked if it was my ex, I said yes. Now, he never liked my ex to begin with... so this made him furious! I mean, I get the fact he would be upset that I slept with someone (the thought alone would upset me if the roles were reversed), but i've never, and I mean never, seen him this upset before. I told him this 2 weeks ago, and there isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't mention how much he hates my ex, and he's going to 'kill' him if he ever sees him.

 

I never thought it would get passed the words he was saying to me. But a few days ago he had told me that he wrote my ex an e-mail asking him to stay away from me. I couldn't believe he did that. It's not his place to say anything to him. I told my fiance that I wouldn't talk to my ex anymore if that's what he wanted, but I didn't feel it was necessary to e-mail him anything.

 

My ex responded with "I'm glad you both worked everything out. I wish the both of you the best of luck with everything! Take good care of her... she is a great girl." Nice, right? Not to my fiance. That just fed into his anger. My fiance replied with a very very very rude and obnoxious response that included the words "... if I ever find out you are still trying to talk to my fiance, I will beat your f*****g face in."

 

There were a few more e-mails back and forth between the two, my ex continuing to be nice and polite, while my fiance was just getting angrier and angrier. I asked them *both* to please stop contacting eachother, and if either of them respected me in any way what so ever they would stop. After a couple of more e-mails that apparently were oh-so-important, they finally stopped. Now, this whole thing 'stopped' earlier today, so whose to say that it really stopped. But I feel absolutely terrible!!

 

My ex IMed me the other day asking for me to call him, that he wanted to talk about everything, and I told him I couldn't... it would be best for both of us if I didn't. I don't want to add more drama to this rediculously immature fight. He understood, but was also understandably upset. He continued to say that he will always be there for me if I ever need anything.

 

It's not fair that i'm put into the middle of something that shouldn't have even been taken to this length. My fiance and I were broken up, and as far as I was concerned, he had no intentions on coming back. The fact that he did come back, was a total contradiction of the things he was saying to me (or lack thereof) and his actions.

 

I'm not quite sure how to handle this situation. I feel terrible that my ex has to go through this, when it wasn't all his fault (which I explained to my fiance, it takes two), but at the same time I feel terrible that my fiance is having to go through all the hurt and anger he is dealing with because of a stupid mistake that I made. He is having a hard time getting over it, but he tells me all the time that he is trying to 'force' himself to get over it so we can continue to grow as a couple.

 

Ugh, after writing all this I feel extremely drained, I can't imagine how you must feel after reading this. I'm not sure what to do, or if I should do anything to prevent them from talking again (I have a feeling my fiance might not give this up).

 

Any advice or suggestions are more than appreciated. Thanks!

[Trojan John]

The problem is fairly obvious: You're still friends and in contact with an ex who you know your fiancé greatly dislikes. He has no right to threaten him, but he is very understandably upset.

 

In reading your previous posts, it seems as if your fiancé tried to get back together with you, but that you didn't want get back with him. Also, and I'm not trying to sound harsh, you went and slept with your ex- after being broken up with your fiancé for less than a month (based on the reading of your old posts) ?

 

You're going to have to choose where your loyalties lay; either with your ex- or with your future husband. Or neither.

[Odyssey]

Erica, I was happy to hear that you and your fiance got back together again. What's happening now?!?

 

I think you were right to be honest with him. But he had no right to get angry and totally blame your friend because it takes two, right? I mean you could easily lied but didn't and that shows you still care about your fiance. It's not like you slept with your friend behind your fiance's back, since it was during the time you two officially broke up (not right though). You already admitted that it was a MISTAKE when you were most vulnerable from the break up.

 

Sounds to me, you two need to communicate better and don't let his anger get in the way, because he doesn't trust you right now. Time to put all your cards on the table (his too) and work out what you both want in the relationship. Don't run away from your problems anymore.

 

Hopefully you're both on the same page in terms of working this thing out. That's my advice.

[JohnP82]

Honestly from reading your post it seems as though you're more concerned about your Ex than your Fiance. You may want to figure out why.

[EricaH329]

The problem is fairly obvious: You're still friends and in contact with an ex who you know your fiancé greatly dislikes. He has no right to threaten him, but he is very understandably upset.

 

In reading your previous posts, it seems as if your fiancé tried to get back together with you, but that you didn't want get back with him. Also, and I'm not trying to sound harsh, you went and slept with your ex- after being broken up with your fiancé for less than a month (based on the reading of your old posts) ?

 

You're going to have to choose where your loyalties lay; either with your ex- or with your future husband. Or neither.

 

I knew that if my fiance and I were both going to try and make it work the second time around that I would have to cut all ties with my ex. I told my fiance that I would respect his wishes and I would not talk with my ex. I kept to my word. It was when my fiance started writing the e-mails to him that I felt I needed to intervene somehow, and I asked my ex to please stop contacting him, even though my fiance has no right to be e-mailing him in the first place.

 

I know that I was wrong to sleep with my ex. I felt terrible after doing it, and still feel terrible to this day. It was a mistake. I was vulnerable and all I wanted was some sort of easy way out of the pain I was feeling, which ended up backfiring and doing the complete opposite. I am not trying to make excuses for what I did, I know it was wrong. And I apologized for it. But regardless, it happened. I understand why both parties are upset, and they both have an equally justifiable reason as to why.

 

I am standing behind my fiance 100%, even if I do not agree with what he is doing. I will not talk to my ex anymore. I had already made that very clear to my fiance before we even got back together again.

 

Odyssey -- Thank you so much!! I completely agree with everything you wrote. I did try to make my fiance understand that as much as I don't want him to be upset with me, I know what I did was wrong and it wasn't only my ex that was involved in the situation. He is not mad at me though. He feels that if he didn't do the things he did to me, that I would have never done it, therefore feeling some guilt and blame himself.

 

I just feel absolutely horrible. I did not want to cause pain on my fiance in any way! I am trying to make it up to him in any way I can. I understand this whole thing will take a little bit of time to blow over, but I just don't want either of them speaking to eachother. If i'm not allowed to speak with him, than neither should he. If my ex is out of both of our lives, then it should be just that.

 

I did not cheat on my fiance, nor would I ever cheat on my fiance. I made a dumb mistake while we weren't together, and I think it's been taken a little too far.

[Sweetcheripie]

From just what you have posted here - I would be with the EX not the Fiance! The ex is the one that helped you when no one else is there, he has kept his compusure and been polite when the fiance is being obnoxious and controlling.

 

I know you are not asking for THAT kind of advice.

 

Ex sounds like a sweetheart, fiance not so much.

[EricaH329]

From just what you have posted here - I would be with the EX not the Fiance! The ex is the one that helped you when no one else is there, he has kept his compusure and been polite when the fiance is being obnoxious and controlling.

 

I know you are not asking for THAT kind of advice.

 

Ex sounds like a sweetheart, fiance not so much.

 

My ex is very much a sweetheart. He's a great guy. Really nice. Which leads my fiance to believe that he is only 'playing the nice guy act' because he 'wants to be with me' and 'wants to make it look like he is being the good guy'.

 

I don't think I can ever be with my ex again though. There are absolutely no feelings for him. I care about him just as I do my best friends. Also, there was a reason that my ex and I broke up, and that reason is still in play, so it just wouldn't work. Plus, I love my fiance *very very* much.

 

Oh - just as an update - I thought I would throw this in there. My fiance has a similiar situation going on (well... did previously), involving an ex of his that I do not like. Just as he asked me not to speak with my ex, I asked the same of him. I just found out that he actually contacted his ex asking her how she was doing (even though my fiance swore left and right just the other day that he hates her) last week. Now, all of this is very confusing to me. I haven't told him I know about the e-mail he sent to his ex yet... I wanted to calm down and figure out how i'm going to approach him about this before I talked to him about it.

 

It's starting to seem as if he is demanding respect from me, but in turn, refusing to give it back. This is where our major problem lays.

[Sweetcheripie]

It's starting to seem as if he is demanding respect from me, but in turn, refusing to give it back. This is where our major problem lays.

 

That is a really big problem. How soon are you two getting married?

[EricaH329]

We are getting married in 3 weeks. I'm not sure how to really approach this situation, considering every time I bring something up to him he takes it very defensively. As if i'm trying to attack him. Which isn't the case at all. I remind him that i'm on his side, we are on the same team, to stop getting so defensive. All I want to do is work out our problems, it seems as if he's losing control of himself. And i'm not sure how to help him.

[Sweetcheripie]

. And i'm not sure how to help him.

 

Is this behavior you can live with for the REST of your life? I really think you mean to say "I'm not sure how to CHANGE him". And the honest answer is you can't.

 

Three weeks is so soon - can you take more time?

[EricaH329]

Well, unfortunatly, he's leaving for Japan after we get married for 3 years. So unless we wanted to wait those 3 years, or spend the extra money to send me to Japan to get married, it's really either get married now or wait.

 

I've come to the conclusion that i'm simply going to tell him what I expect out of a partner, and if he feels like he can't live up to those standards, then we will go our separate ways once again. But since he is so determined to make this work this time around, I have a feeling he will try his hardest. But what i'm afraid of, is that he will try (which I will give him the most credit for) but he will fail. He is who he is. And I love him for who he is. But if he doesn't figure out how to show me the same respect that I show him, than it will never work no matter what the situation is.

[Sweetcheripie]

Ok I'm kinda confused. You are getting married in three weeks then he is moving to Japan without you for three years?

[EricaH329]

Since he is in the military, if we get married, than there is a chance of me being able to go with him. But, if we are not married, then there isn't any chance at all that I would be able to go with him. Even if I am not able to go with him, regardless of the situation, I am still willing to have a LDR. We just figured it would be a lot easier if we were to get married before him leaving for Japan, in the case that I would be able to go with him.

[Sweetcheripie]

Thanks for the clarification. I hope your talk goes well. This must be a very stressful time for both of you.

[EricaH329]

Thank you very much. I appreciate your concern. I hope the talk goes well myself.

[Trojan John]

Bright red sirens are flashing, chère.

 

Do NOT get married simply because it will be easier now rather than later. You both have some major issues to work out. Taking the time now will be easier than getting a divorce in Japan later.

 

On the other hand, getting way away from both of your exes is probably just what you both need.

[Phateless]

This whole situation does not sound like it will end well.

 

What if your fiance goes away to Japan and you stay here, where your ex is? I can only imagine the late-night Skype fights.

 

Honestly, if your fiance broke up with you then he has nobody to blame but himself. WTF did he expect you to do?!

 

Your fiance needs to grow some balls and get over himself.

 

Btw, I'm another guy.

[EricaH329]

Bright red sirens are flashing, chère.

 

Do NOT get married simply because it will be easier now rather than later. You both have some major issues to work out. Taking the time now will be easier than getting a divorce in Japan later.

 

On the other hand, getting way away from both of your exes is probably just what you both need.

 

The thing is, and I hate to admit this. I think i've been trying to convince myself otherwise... ever since he left for the military, everything has changed with him. I had a talk with him about a couple of things last night, and he got very upset with me. It's like... once I get mad at him for doing something, if he feels it's not correct, he will get mad.

 

Then, after he gets mad, he will fix the problem, tell me it's fixed, and to move on. When, obviously, he fixed the temporary solution, as opposed to working on the long-term solution.

 

 

 

This whole situation does not sound like it will end well.

 

What if your fiance goes away to Japan and you stay here, where your ex is? I can only imagine the late-night Skype fights.

 

The thing is, is that my fiance doesn't want me staying here. He wants me to move 14 hours away and be closer to his father and that side of the family. He doesn't want me here, or anywhere else that I have a history.

 

If I really cared about this place that much, I would fight him on it. But to be quite honest, i've been ready to leave this state for a very long time now.

 

Honestly, if your fiance broke up with you then he has nobody to blame but himself. WTF did he expect you to do?!

 

Your fiance needs to grow some balls and get over himself.

 

Btw, I'm another guy

 

 

To be quite honest with you, I do feel terrible for what I did. It was a mistake, and not only because my fiance and I got back together and it hurt him, but because it wasn't the right thing for me to do at that point in my life.

 

With that said, I don't feel as though my fiance has much of a right to be upset about this. He broke up with me. He told me to move on. He made it seem as though we were not going to get back together. So I started thinking for myself. I started doing what I thought was best for myself at that point in time. He doesn't see it that way. He sees it as me not caring enough for him, since he wasn't able to sleep with another girl because of the love he had for me. Although, he did kiss a girl.

 

It's starting to seem as though if it isn't his way of thinking, then it's wrong. Ouch. Hard reality to face.

[Phateless]

The thing is, and I hate to admit this. I think i've been trying to convince myself otherwise... ever since he left for the military, everything has changed with him. I had a talk with him about a couple of things last night, and he got very upset with me. It's like... once I get mad at him for doing something, if he feels it's not correct, he will get mad.

 

Then, after he gets mad, he will fix the problem, tell me it's fixed, and to move on. When, obviously, he fixed the temporary solution, as opposed to working on the long-term solution.

 

 

 

 

 

The thing is, is that my fiance doesn't want me staying here. He wants me to move 14 hours away and be closer to his father and that side of the family. He doesn't want me here, or anywhere else that I have a history.

 

If I really cared about this place that much, I would fight him on it. But to be quite honest, i've been ready to leave this state for a very long time now.

 

So he's trying to isolate you from everything and everyone you know? Sounds controlling to me. Bad idea. Stay where you have your own life until you two can be together.

 

 

To be quite honest with you, I do feel terrible for what I did. It was a mistake, and not only because my fiance and I got back together and it hurt him, but because it wasn't the right thing for me to do at that point in my life.

 

With that said, I don't feel as though my fiance has much of a right to be upset about this. He broke up with me. He told me to move on. He made it seem as though we were not going to get back together. So I started thinking for myself. I started doing what I thought was best for myself at that point in time. He doesn't see it that way. He sees it as me not caring enough for him, since he wasn't able to sleep with another girl because of the love he had for me. Although, he did kiss a girl.

 

It's starting to seem as though if it isn't his way of thinking, then it's wrong. Ouch. Hard reality to face.

 

Agreed. This is a bit of a red flag. I can understand his feelings, and they are completely valid. Of course he's hurt, you slept with someone else.

 

On the other hand, you need to say to him what you just said to me. HE ended it. It's his own damn fault and he needs to sack up.

 

One of my friends is going through the exact same thing. He's the one who set you free so he has no right to be mad at you for your actions when you were SINGLE.

[Odyssey]

Hey, how was the talk; did you even get a chance to talk yet? What did your fiance say?

[EricaH329]

So he's trying to isolate you from everything and everyone you know? Sounds controlling to me. Bad idea. Stay where you have your own life until you two can be together.

 

Hm. I guess I never really thought about it like that since I was planning on moving out of the state whether I was with him or not. I guess I should have figured that out when I asked him where he wanted me to move, and he told me anywhere but here.

 

I have a tendancy to focus on one thing, one emotion, one situation, and the red flags in the other areas that appear... I tend to overlook since I am not focused on them. This puts things into perspective though. Thank you.

 

 

 

 

Agreed. This is a bit of a red flag. I can understand his feelings, and they are completely valid. Of course he's hurt, you slept with someone else.

 

On the other hand, you need to say to him what you just said to me. HE ended it. It's his own damn fault and he needs to sack up.

 

One of my friends is going through the exact same thing. He's the one who set you free so he has no right to be mad at you for your actions when you were SINGLE.

 

I have told him that. At first, I was very apologetic. My intention was not to hurt him. But after he went on and on about it, I made it very clear that I was not under the impression we were getting back together. He responds with "I couldn't do that because I loved you too much, you were always on my mind. I don't understand how you were able to do that."

 

Keep in mind, he isn't mad at me. He is upset with the situation, and his anger is directed at my ex, since he never liked my ex to begin with.

 

When I brought up the subject of him contacting his ex (the one he told me he hated)... his immediate response was "Oh so now you think i'm trying to have sex with her? Yes Erica, that's exactly what I want to do." When those words never came out of my mouth. I never thought, nor do I think, that he has any intention of hooking up with her.. and when I asked him why he would think that, he changes the subject and goes into "Well I wasn't the one who had sex with someone else. All I did was contact her (for a reason). What I did and what you did are two completely different things that cannot be compared. What I did wasn't anywhere close to what you did."

 

Now... talking to him has become almost impossible. He brings things up that aren't even relevant to what we are talking about. He thinks I am trying to compare every situation I bring up to him, with what I did. Which is not the case at all. I never bring up the situation that happened with me and my ex, ever. Yet, he always finds some way to take it there. And then, to top it all off, he gets extremely defensive as if i'm trying to attack him somehow. Which, in turn, gets him worked up and upset, then it's really impossible to talk to him.

 

Odyssey -- I hope that answered your question. After I got him to calm down, I basically told him that he needs to trust me. He said he does trust me, it's just this situation is getting the best of him right now. I also told him that he needs to respect me, as I do with him. There were a lot of long pauses after I told him these things, and I think it's because he knows exactly what i'm talking about. We ended the conversation on a good note, but I have a feeling that things are going to be this way for awhile.

[girl68]

So long as you intend to keep your promise not to remain in connact with your ex. I think you should shut the door. Your ex seems like a very reasonable man. Your finace is understandably upset, sure I get that. But he has to deal with it if he can't you have to tell him to leave. It's not fair he holds this over your head.

 

Anyways... hopefully with time he gets over it and you- leave that door shut- forever.

[Phateless]

Hm. I guess I never really thought about it like that since I was planning on moving out of the state whether I was with him or not. I guess I should have figured that out when I asked him where he wanted me to move, and he told me anywhere but here.

 

I have a tendancy to focus on one thing, one emotion, one situation, and the red flags in the other areas that appear... I tend to overlook since I am not focused on them. This puts things into perspective though. Thank you.

 

 

You are SO welcome! I'm just glad I could help. I completely understand what you mean. It makes perfect sense and we've all been there. At least now that you're aware of this pitfall, you can strategize to protect yourself.

 

 

 

[quote=EricaH329;2353901I have told him that. At first, I was very apologetic. My intention was not to hurt him. But after he went on and on about it, I made it very clear that I was not under the impression we were getting back together. He responds with "I couldn't do that because I loved you too much, you were always on my mind. I don't understand how you were able to do that."

 

Keep in mind, he isn't mad at me. He is upset with the situation, and his anger is directed at my ex, since he never liked my ex to begin with.

 

When I brought up the subject of him contacting his ex (the one he told me he hated)... his immediate response was "Oh so now you think i'm trying to have sex with her? Yes Erica, that's exactly what I want to do." When those words never came out of my mouth. I never thought, nor do I think, that he has any intention of hooking up with her.. and when I asked him why he would think that, he changes the subject and goes into "Well I wasn't the one who had sex with someone else. All I did was contact her (for a reason). What I did and what you did are two completely different things that cannot be compared. What I did wasn't anywhere close to what you did."

 

Now... talking to him has become almost impossible. He brings things up that aren't even relevant to what we are talking about. He thinks I am trying to compare every situation I bring up to him, with what I did. Which is not the case at all. I never bring up the situation that happened with me and my ex, ever. Yet, he always finds some way to take it there. And then, to top it all off, he gets extremely defensive as if i'm trying to attack him somehow. Which, in turn, gets him worked up and upset, then it's really impossible to talk to him.

 

Odyssey -- I hope that answered your question. After I got him to calm down, I basically told him that he needs to trust me. He said he does trust me, it's just this situation is getting the best of him right now. I also told him that he needs to respect me, as I do with him. There were a lot of long pauses after I told him these things, and I think it's because he knows exactly what i'm talking about. We ended the conversation on a good note, but I have a feeling that things are going to be this way for awhile.

 

I see what you mean. It sounds like you're doing your best to help him work through this, but after a certain point it's up to him to move forward. He sounds a lot like my current gf - IMPOSSIBLE when upset.

 

I understand how upset he is, but the way he is behaving through this situation is a major disqualifier for a long term relationship. Is he always like this when things are hard or he's upset? Or is it only this time because he doesn't know how to cope?

 

I dunno, if people can't be rational enough to work things out with you, there's only so much you can do to keep the relationship alive.

 

Have you tried couples counseling? Betrayal can really rock your world and it might take some professional guidance to help you two work through this.

[xpaperxcutx]

I think you should postpone the wedding. Somehow I don't see your fiance's behaviour subsiding anytime soon.

 

It's understandable that he's upset, but the way he approaches the situation more than suggests that he's not willing to let it go. You didn't cheat on him since he was the one who broke up with you, so why the constant need to berate you and make you feel guilty?

 

Obviously, he sounds temperamental, disagreeable, and most importantly, controlling. How will you deal with his behaviour years ahead in the marriage? Do you hope to constantly apologize and subject yourself to being degraded by his criticisms? What's next, that he'll start judging the way you dress and and the people you associate with ( as if he hasn't done so already)?

 

This marriage sounds more like a headlong dive into getting tied down rather than walking down the aisle and settling into a happy married life. He's going away, and you'll be alone. Just the mere distance along already raises eyebrows about the rift and gap that's bound to be created.

 

All in all, what's the rush? If you fancy him as much as he feels for you, then what's three years time compared to the years afterwards? Why not let it be trail and test since trust ( which on his part seems to be lacking) needs to be rebuild?

[EricaH329]

So long as you intend to keep your promise not to remain in connact with your ex. I think you should shut the door. Your ex seems like a very reasonable man. Your finace is understandably upset, sure I get that. But he has to deal with it if he can't you have to tell him to leave. It's not fair he holds this over your head.

 

Anyways... hopefully with time he gets over it and you- leave that door shut- forever.

 

I completely agree. I have promised him that I will not speak with my ex any longer, and I fully intend on keeping that promise. At this point, I feel like I will do anything to make my fiances pain subside. It seems like at this point, the only time it is brought up is when we argue about something. I'm hoping that will go away over time.

 

You are SO welcome! I'm just glad I could help. I completely understand what you mean. It makes perfect sense and we've all been there. At least now that you're aware of this pitfall, you can strategize to protect yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

I see what you mean. It sounds like you're doing your best to help him work through this, but after a certain point it's up to him to move forward. He sounds a lot like my current gf - IMPOSSIBLE when upset.

 

I understand how upset he is, but the way he is behaving through this situation is a major disqualifier for a long term relationship. Is he always like this when things are hard or he's upset? Or is it only this time because he doesn't know how to cope?

 

I dunno, if people can't be rational enough to work things out with you, there's only so much you can do to keep the relationship alive.

 

Have you tried couples counseling? Betrayal can really rock your world and it might take some professional guidance to help you two work through this.

 

To be completely honest with you, i've never seen him this upset over anything before. Maybe it's because i've never really given him a reason to be upset, or maybe it's because he chooses his battles... but this battle is not worth pursuing. Or maybe, like I had said previously, a little after being in the military, he changed.

 

His family has a long list of issues, psychological issues, that myself and my mother find to be overwhelming. Both of us were extremely surprised to see that my fiance had come out a decent human being. But after the whole break up, and everything that's going on now, my mother seems to think that all he needed was to get away from his family to become them. If that makes sense. Which scares me, a lot. At first, I didn't see any similiarities between the fiance I once knew, and the one he had become. After we got back together after the break up, I noticed that it seems like he is struggling between the two.

 

But the anger, and controllingness i've never seen before.

 

I think you should postpone the wedding. Somehow I don't see your fiance's behaviour subsiding anytime soon.

 

It's understandable that he's upset, but the way he approaches the situation more than suggests that he's not willing to let it go. You didn't cheat on him since he was the one who broke up with you, so why the constant need to berate you and make you feel guilty?

 

Obviously, he sounds temperamental, disagreeable, and most importantly, controlling. How will you deal with his behaviour years ahead in the marriage? Do you hope to constantly apologize and subject yourself to being degraded by his criticisms? What's next, that he'll start judging the way you dress and and the people you associate with ( as if he hasn't done so already)?

 

This marriage sounds more like a headlong dive into getting tied down rather than walking down the aisle and settling into a happy married life. He's going away, and you'll be alone. Just the mere distance along already raises eyebrows about the rift and gap that's bound to be created.

 

All in all, what's the rush? If you fancy him as much as he feels for you, then what's three years time compared to the years afterwards? Why not let it be trail and test since trust ( which on his part seems to be lacking) needs to be rebuild?

 

That's a very good question. Ever since we got back together, he's been pushing to get married. Pushing harder than he ever has. I'm not quite sure why that is.