...am i being childish??

[nitaskeeta]

I was in a loveless marriage, pretty much a marriage between friends. There was no passion, no real intimacy. We have a son (a great 15 year old) together and have joint custody and we text or e-mail re: child care only. We rarely speak on the phone. The divorce has been amicable.

I’ve been dating my BF for about 4 months and think I’m in love for the first time in my life! HE was married 15 years and what I’ve learned is as follows:

He was madly in love with her but the marriage was in trouble for years. There was one incident of “swinging” which he says was initiated by her and that she convinced him to do over a period of years. She left after he found she slept with another man. He later found out she slept with several men in their small town during their marriage. He initiated the divorce but told me he had to do it “because there was no choice and he had to save face”. Two days after their divorce was final she moved in with his first cousin. He has said several times that she “almost killed him” for a year, He went into a deep depression and rage, developed panic attacks, drank heavily, was unable to drive and prayed to die. He said he would have died if not for his son and has just recently, since meeting me, started to live again,. He has full custody and his son refuses to visit his mother and has never spent the night with her. He works full time in a high pressured job and then works 24/7 trying to take of housework and his son. They have been divorced for a year now but he admitted to meeting her several times for sex up until the week before he met me, He tells me he met her for sex only and for revenge to his cousin. He once gave her a LARGE sum of money (just a couple of months before we met) because she agreed to leave his cousin. She left for a few days, kept the money and went back to his cousin. He admitted to me about a month ago that he has felt like he was cheating on me when he sees her now because he still finds her attractive. I’ve seen his ex one time. He is 9 years older than me, he was 14 years older than her. So…she’s younger than me and as he once described,,,a “sex pot” that men always wanted, petite, long blond hair and has that flirty nature. … She doesn’t work but has been living off handouts and her new man (a drug addict). My BF says she’s a great worker but just “hasn’t been able to find a job“. He gives her gas money to drive their son to school. I am totally different. I am tall, thin but well built, short hair not flirty, self confident and I work full time as an RN. He tells me that he never thought he’d meet someone as sexy as her until he met me and that he stopped seeing her as soon as he met me. He keeps saying “I didn’t know you even existed” When she picks their son up for school she occasionally comes into the house, usually after my BF has left for work. Until we met she would come over and hang out for hours occasionally. He has told her she cant do that anymore and he told me that when we first started seeing each other she “threw a little tizzy fit” and became difficult. His son really likes me, his family seems to like me and they don’t have anything to do with his ex. I wonder though how much they like “me” or are just relieved and happy to see him happier and no longer dying, I’ve found recently that they speak sometimes several times a day. I know they MUST communicate about their son but does she need to call him just to say “I dropped him off at school” and then chat? I don’t believe he keeps anything from me. He admitted to me that last week at their son’s football game he sat with his ex, her daughter and grand daughter because the granddaughter (his step that he wasn’t close to) wanted him to sit with them and because “they had an umbrella and it was raining”. He swears he’d never be intimate with her again and would never take her back. She tried to move back once before and he didn’t let her.

I think I ‘m so insecure because since I’d never had a love like that and I just worry that a love like that doesn’t go away. He tells me that the love didn’t go away…she killed it. I know he’s getting frustrated with my jealousy and I try not to be mean. I just get in a bad or sad mood and I hate feeling like this. I'm normally such a secure, professional wmoan! I worry that I’m going to ruin this relationship with my insecurities and jealousy. He tells me he has a distrust of all women and will NEVER remarry because it "changes everything"a little more info...I did the "post divorce" crazy dating scene but stopped seeing anyone else after we began dating. I have no desire to date anyone else. I worry though...am I really being a sucker? I try to help him out...cook him some real meals...clean a little...he doesnt ask me to and thanks me profusely

[Lucky_One]

He has been divorced from his XW for a year, and still seems incredibly connected to her - physically and emotionally.

 

I would advise against continuing to do a lot of things for him, like cleaning and cooking. Number one, he's a grown man and he can do this for himself (and needs to teach his son to do these things, too, as a parent and role model), and number two, you don't need to fall into the category of his maid that he can't bear to let go of because he misses your meatloaf but he misses his XW's heart.

 

I am not a fan of dating anyone who is emotionally attached and not over their past relationship. Way too painful, and the rebound relationship is almost guaranteed to lose.

[nitaskeeta]

Thanks...I believe you and am giving alot of thought about what I need to do.