I think my love is fading for my husband

[kmm111]

I've been really confused lately. I've been married to my husband for about a year, known him for 6. He's a great husband and always wants the best for me. Lately I feel like I am possibly falling out of love with him and that marriage is making me feel a little trapped (I'm 33, so it's not like I am that young)

 

I've been wanting to spend more and more time alone, thinking about how it used to be to date guys (I'm fairly attractive and never had problems finding dates)..I miss my total independance..being able to do what I want when I want to do it..like travel (can't do this anymore b/c we have a mortgage). Little things he does get under my skin easily. I understand that marriage means compromising, so that is why I am coming to the conclusion that my love is fading...because if I truly loved him, wouldn't I WANT to compromise? When we argue, I don't even care to mend things, I just feel like walking away. I don't feel as though I want to put any effort into this to make it work. It's so different than it was compared to let's say the first 3 or 4 yrs we were togteher.

 

I don't know if these feelings are real, or if they are because now that we are married, I am just taking him for granted. Like if I did lose him, would I want him back again because I didn't realize what I had?? I feel like I am not giving him 100% in this relationship and he has noticed. He doesn't deserve this. I just don't know if I have it in me anymore to really try??

[vox]

I've been really confused lately. I've been married to my husband for about a year, known him for 6. He's a great husband and always wants the best for me. Lately I feel like I am possibly falling out of love with him and that marriage is making me feel a little trapped (I'm 33, so it's not like I am that young)

 

I've been wanting to spend more and more time alone, thinking about how it used to be to date guys (I'm fairly attractive and never had problems finding dates)..I miss my total independance..being able to do what I want when I want to do it..like travel (can't do this anymore b/c we have a mortgage). Little things he does get under my skin easily. I understand that marriage means compromising, so that is why I am coming to the conclusion that my love is fading...because if I truly loved him, wouldn't I WANT to compromise? When we argue, I don't even care to mend things, I just feel like walking away. I don't feel as though I want to put any effort into this to make it work. It's so different than it was compared to let's say the first 3 or 4 yrs we were togteher.

 

I don't know if these feelings are real, or if they are because now that we are married, I am just taking him for granted. Like if I did lose him, would I want him back again because I didn't realize what I had?? I feel like I am not giving him 100% in this relationship and he has noticed. He doesn't deserve this. I just don't know if I have it in me anymore to really try??

 

I understand 100% what you're going through, and I'm sorry you're going through it. I guess the answer to your question is...if you picture yourself in 5 years... is he there? Do you WANT him to be there? There's nothing wrong with being honest with yourself in that if you want to be single and travel the world and enjoy what life has to offer, then you should! But if you can't think of your life without him, then you probably need to hit some marriage counseling to find out what's changing.

[Thaddeus]

I think you're confusing that feeling of newness that's wearing off with the natural change that takes place in romantic relationships.

 

It's extremely common.

 

It's only natural that the torrid heat begins to wear off. It's even been scientifically studied. Romantic Love Lasts Just A Year

 

You're at a very critical juncture in your relationship. But suffice it to say that to expect that rush of first love to last forever is simply not in keeping with reality. Too often, people mistake the natural tendency for love to cool down after a while with "falling out of love," usually marked by that most-obscene of phrases, "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

 

Have you talked to him about this?

[laRubiaBonita]

my mother went to a marriage counselor after her first year with my dad because she thought she didn't love him anymore......

 

basically love changes- it grows, deepens, matures, can be different that the lusty fluttery heart love.

[kmm111]

No, I have no mentioned this to him yet because it will break his heart. He has questioned me about it though.

I have no interest in really doing nice things for him anymore or going out of my way to make him happy. I don't expect the same passionate, intoxicating feeling I felt when I firt met him, but I expect it should be a little greater than what I am feeling now.

The only thing I could think of doing would be to separate myself from him for awhile, maybe move someplace else, but that isn't possible due to our finances. Part of me thinks I am just expecting too much, yet part of me thinks if I do remain like this, I will be settling and missing out on so much more.

[Thaddeus]

No, I have no mentioned this to him yet because it will break his heart. He has questioned me about it though.

So it sounds like he's picked up on it, question you about it and you told him everything's "fine."

 

And he knows you're not telling the truth, but he's probably simply trying to avoid all the drama that comes with the, "Oh, c'mon honey, what's wrong?" questions. He's come to realize and understand that FINE is an acronym for:

 

• F*cked up
  
• Insecure
  
• Neurotic
  
• Emotional
  

Without proper communication, this will only get worse.

 

TALK to him.

[Devil Inside]

So it sounds like he's picked up on it, question you about it and you told him everything's "fine."

 

And he knows you're not telling the truth, but he's probably simply trying to avoid all the drama that comes with the, "Oh, c'mon honey, what's wrong?" questions. He's come to realize and understand that FINE is an acronym for:

 

• F*cked up
  
• Insecure
  
• Neurotic
  
• Emotional
  

Without proper communication, this will only get worse.

 

TALK to him.

 

I agree with Thad...talk to him...it can get worse...and you may end up really hurting him.

[TaraMaiden]

Three things.

Three things are absolutely essentially vital for a relationship to survive.

These are the qualities of -

 

Trust

Respect and

Communication.

 

The last two are lacking, on your part.

 

You are not communicating with your H, and it seems, at face value that you do not respect him enough to let him in on your feelings and be able to deal with them.

well, not in a way that might be constructive to you.

breaking his heart is a problem.

but witholding, and breaking his heart sl-o-w-l-y is a disaster.

 

A relationship evolves from the instant it is formed.

It takes Effort and it takes Commitment to make it develop and grow, but whatever you do, or not as the case may be - it will always change.

 

Grasp the nettle, and talk to him.

[seibert253]

Three things.

Three things are absolutely essentially vital for a relationship to survive.

These are the qualities of -

 

Trust

Respect and

Communication.

 

The last two are lacking, on your part.

 

You are not communicating with your H, and it seems, at face value that you do not respect him enough to let him in on your feelings and be able to deal with them.

well, not in a way that might be constructive to you.

breaking his heart is a problem.

but witholding, and breaking his heart sl-o-w-l-y is a disaster.

 

A relationship evolves from the instant it is formed.

It takes Effort and it takes Commitment to make it develop and grow, but whatever you do, or not as the case may be - it will always change.

 

Grasp the nettle, and talk to him.

 

Tara's hit it right on the head with this.

 

I feel your feeling what you are because of the lack of communication. How can your husband be all he can be for you, if he knows nothing about what you feel or want? You want more, because there's no longer the romantic connection there was in the beginning. The newness, the adventure, the passion. Want to know why, because you both, and your marriage, is on cruise control. The two of you need to unhook the cruise switch and push the gas peddle to the floor. How do you start, TALK, COMMUNICATE, TELL YOUR HUSBAND HOW YOU FEEL. Yeah he's going to feel like sh#t, but if he loves you he will do whatever to takes to keep you.

Good Luck

[The Monk]

Talk to him and lay it all out on the table. You are setting yourself up to have an affair otherwise. You are already starting to lay the groundwork. "The love is fading", "Thinking about how it used to be to date guys", etc. Please listen to someone who knows, an affair NEVER makes anything better. Tell him everything you are feeling. If he is the right man he will likely surprise you in what he is able to do. If you don't you will never know.

[SansSouci]

The Monk - I am interested in what you said here:

What do you mean by this?

[SansSouci]

Sorry - I meant to quote here - Tell him everything you are feeling. If he is the right man he will likely surprise you in what he is able to do. If you don't you will never know -

 

What do you mean by this?

[giotto]

sounds to me that you've fallen out of love with your husband. You need to think long and hard about this. Is your marriage worth saving? I'm afraid you'll have to drop the bomb on your H, who will not be happy. He will be sad and will feel rejected and hurt. I think a marriage - every marriage - is worth saving, if possible. Talk to him about your feelings. Maybe you can agree on a trial separation or maybe you can go to MC together.

 

BTW, any children?

[kmm111]

Thanks for your replies. No kids by the way. I want to be 100% open to him about things but it's so hard. He will definitely feel as though I think he isn't good enough for me..like one of those "it's not you, honey, it's ME.."

I am worried though that if I DID lose him, I'd regret everything and want him back..not realizing what I had til it was gone. How am I supposed to know the different between taking someone for granted opposed to not being in love with them anymore?

[TaraMaiden]

Go to counselling, both of you together, AND you, with an individual counsellor.

It's possible that hidden issues from your past are preventing you from appreciating what you have, or are pulling you back from wholeheartedly committing yourself.

heck, what do I now, based on a few lines in a post?

 

But sitting in front of a professional, trained to 'tease' answers from you to questions you are asking, may not be a bad idea.

[gemgirl]

Your situation sounds like mine. Not a lot of issues of attraction in the male department? For me that attention is exciting and a part of me misses pursuing it. I am in year 4 of marriage. Thad and Taramaiden- I agree. Communication is absolutely #1. Tell him what you want in the relationship. I have felt, at several points in my marriage, I am not sure anymore too. Guard your marriage, it is sacred and requires huge amounts of work. My husband and I have worked really hard on ours and our relationship has only gotten stronger. Work, work, work. You don't need counselling yet. This seems totally normal, just sit down and really focus on communicating with each other and try to focus on making goals that you both want to achieve. Like next year my husband and I both want to go to Europe. Or, lets try going for a walk together every third day. Married time where you are doing something for your marriage is also a facilitator of communication.

[mem11363]

I completely agree with gemgirl about the "effort" part. Going for walks is a great thing to do for your marriage and yourselves.

 

As for the passion level. There are subtle things which make a huge difference. I tell my newly married friends the 90% rule which loosely goes like this.

 

In most marriages the wife steadily makes more and more of the decisions, and when there are differences in "preference" - like the color to paint a room, or where a child goes to school, her preference prevails. This is not a bad thing. It is just the way things work. Most men in my neighborhood are the primary breadwinners, they are good husbands, married 20 years or so - and most of them will tell you that their wives are simply emotionally stronger then they are. So it is easier to go along, and get along. But here is the interesting thing:

- A male who is agreeable 90% but on the other 10% he is tough, he is firm, he is not a jerk about it - he just will not concede on that 10% - that is a marriage which likely still has sparks in the bedroom

- A male who is agreeable 100% - likely no sparks because he has given up what makes him a "MAN", his spine and his wife loses her respect for him and with it her desire. And then the man comes on here listing all the housework, cooking and other types of servile behaviors that he has added into the mix in a vain attempt to get sex, and he wants to know why that is not working. PS: I believe men should help around the house/with kids - because it is the right thing to do - NOT to get their wives approval/legs spread.

 

But this also means the man needs to learn how to fight female style so he can prevail 10% of the time. And THAT is a hard thing to do. Much of female conflict is non verbal - or if verbal not quantifiable. Like my wife will use a super mean tone of voice and then deny it. So she won't say "you are a dick", but her "tone" will "imply" it. And then if I blow up - I look like the jerk. LOL. So the man needs to learn to not let his good given adrenaline screw him up since it is only good for physical fighting not verbal conflict. Net result is - if your wife knows she cannot mess with your 10 percent, and that trying is painful for her, she ends up with a good mix, happy that you are loving and agreeable mostly and she respects your toughness on issues you care about.

 

 

Your situation sounds like mine. Not a lot of issues of attraction in the male department? For me that attention is exciting and a part of me misses pursuing it. I am in year 4 of marriage. Thad and Taramaiden- I agree. Communication is absolutely #1. Tell him what you want in the relationship. I have felt, at several points in my marriage, I am not sure anymore too. Guard your marriage, it is sacred and requires huge amounts of work. My husband and I have worked really hard on ours and our relationship has only gotten stronger. Work, work, work. You don't need counselling yet. This seems totally normal, just sit down and really focus on communicating with each other and try to focus on making goals that you both want to achieve. Like next year my husband and I both want to go to Europe. Or, lets try going for a walk together every third day. Married time where you are doing something for your marriage is also a facilitator of communication.

[confusedinkansas]

Marriages go thru phases. Although you are still a newlywed & I'm surprised you feel this way so early on in your marriage.

 

I agree with others here - Tell him. I know that's not always easy & for some "Telling him" only means saying the words. Doesn't mean he understands or gets it. Try to get him to understand your feelings.

Otherwise, if you let this fester - a year or so down the road you'll be the one posting on the infidelity forum.

 

BTW: The grass IS NOT greener on the other side of the septic tank:D

(i've been there, i know....& am much older than you)

[SansSouci]

Reading through your post reminds me so much of my situation, it's scary.

Even the time scale of being married one year - and the length of the realtionship prior.

 

Can I ask - what is the score on the 'attraction' level? Are you attracted to your husband - or is your relationship based upon other things?

 

Have you found that since getting married, the doubts you may have had about your partner have now 'bubbled up'? And now you feel that sense of permanence, and you are scared? And feel trapped by your situation.

 

Sometimes, getting married highlights your differences/problems Has this maybe happened with you I wonder?