Moving on From Addict

[NotSoSmiley]

Wow-where to start...I was with my boyfriend for 4 years...most was pretty good. We started off as friends and we shared everything had a little trouble making the transition to lovers and it resulted in a rough patch 2 years ago but we were able to work through it and our relationship was even stronger than I thought it could possibly be.

 

Now, I knew that he had a drinking problem but he stopped drinking Jack Daniels (which surprised me) and he had more energy than before and we were having a great time together. There was no lack of trust, love or respect. Fast forward to the New Year....I started noticing rolled up pieces of paper around his apt and then even around my apt. He was on pain killers because of his back (he hurt several years ago on the job). Then one day I actually catch him snorting his pain pills-I had never heard of anything so ridiculous in my life. He told me that by snorting it helped the medication relieve the pain that much faster. Now, I knew that was a bunch of bs and I told him so. What I didn't realize (until after I did a lot of research) was how dangerous and addictive this was. I confronted him about it but it was too late.

 

In February he asked me to move in with him; we had been talking about a family and buying a house this fall but that was before I knew he was snorting pills. And by this point, his mood swings were so apparent and I was miserable. He wasn't expecting me to say "no" and was very hurt. But, I knew his situation was not going to get any better if I moved in with him and I would just get caught in the middle. What hurt the most is that I loved this man very much and I did want to spend my life with him and I couldn't do anything to help him.

 

At the end of March he broke up with me-which I saw coming; he can never be alone. What I didn't anticipate was he would cut off all contact with me and our mutual friends; the new girlfriend didn't want him talking to me and didn't want him talking to anyone who could give him any information on me. Then, I find out that as of July 1st, he moves in with the new girlfriend.

 

Haven't talked to him since the end of March except he did send me a birthday text a few weeks ago; wanted me to be good, hoped I was well and told me that I'd hear from him again. He isn't happy but he no one wants to give him an apartment-he did a good job of burning his bridges before moving in with this woman.

 

Anyhow, I saw him at the beach on Monday. Actually, he saw me first and I felt someone staring at me; it took me quite a few minutes to recognize him. While he did have sunglasses on, he looked horrible. He was with her and didn't say anything to me-didn't really expect him to, considering how insanely jealous she is. But, it killed me all over again to see how lousy he looked.

 

I have been seeing a therapist and I am doing much better but Monday's siting through me for a loop. My feelings for him have changed but the love will always be there in some way...when you plan on spending your life with someone, you never forget that person. At the same time, I know I had to look out for me first because he was so messed up at the end, he wasn't looking out for me-not like he used to.

 

My question is has anyone been through this? They do come back, don't they? Is it bad? How long does it take to feel better?

 

Thank you.

[Tayla]

Yes, folks can come out on the positive side of recovery. Do they come back to past relations. Rarely. Part of recovery and remaining in the process is to clean up from past mistakes, change ones own ways that created damaged relationships.

Usually the person who *aided* or *enabled* them to stay sick is the last person they want to come back to when they seek help. I am not implying you are that person. What I am saying is, *IF* this guy does get help and does the process of mending fences, it doesnt mean you are going to like the new him, or he going to like the You that you are. Most times Addicts have a distorted perspective of people. The recovering person gets real, honest, and most importantly starts to improve in ways they didnt even know they could!

 

I am pleased that you recognized his illness and have since sought counsel. This type of illness affects those close-st sometimes. May you gain peace and growth from this experience

[toogoodforthis]

the divorce was final in June. It was crack and he just started disappearing overnight. As soon as I started talking to people about what was going on, (his family, a neighbor I called to watch my kid cause I was on a biz trip and he disappeared, his boss because he told me he was "passing out" at work) my hubby was lost to me. They have to protect the addiction, by any means. I threw him out.

 

In my opinion, the husband I knew is gone forever. He's been replaced by this guy who lied to me repeatedly, left a little girl home alone so he could score drugs, still isn't in recovery, has zero personal integrity and wouldn't know the truth if it bit him in the ass.

 

I think about him all the time, but there came a time when I had to put my life back together. I do zero contact with him because everytime we had contact, there was more bull**** and lies.

 

I went to AlAnon, but most the people in there stayed in the relationship for years or its their children (a whole new kind of heartbreak). But it did help and made me glad I chose a different path.

 

Sorry for your pain, hope my story helped a little.