Picture of the Ex

[gobain]

Okay - Ineed an opinion. My boyfriend of four months still has a picture of his ex-girlfriend in his wallet. The only picture in his wallet. She cheated on him and lied to him. Now granted, I haven't given him a picture of me, but would anyone else have a problem with that?

[yogi-mon]

I think you need to tell him to ditch the pic. He obviously has some really deep issues with this girl, sounds like she sorta screwed with him in a major way. I might even try to seperate myself from my own feelings mentally and just talk to him about his ex, see how he feels, whats going on in his mind. If you have the strength to do that.

 

He might really appreciate having someone to talk to.

Then again, maybe you should just give him a warning that its not cool.

[gobain]

I actually did bring it up when I saw it. He says that it there 'til the next girlfriend comes along. So I asked him where we stood (this was about a month ago). We had the "I'm not seeing anybody else" talk and established that I was the next one. And he said that "I guess that was the wrong way to tell you that I need a picture of you"

 

He also said that it served as a reminder of what he didn't want to go back to. Now, like I said, I haven't given him a picture of me yet. I don't think I should have to in order to get him to remove the other one. But as of last Saturday - it was still there. I checked.

 

Do I just give him a picture? or do I tell him that it makes me feel like second choice and ask him to remove it before I give him one?

[yogi-mon]

If you feel like confronting him on it, do it.

But I would give him a picture of you, and ask him to rip it up in front of you.

 

Then you can both laugh.

[gobain]

You're right. I should just give him a picture and make him ditch the ex's.

 

I think I NEED to do it. Its the only reason I haven't told him how I feel about him.

Its hard to tell a guy you love him when he has a picture of the ex in his wallet.

[yogi-mon]

how long have you two been together?

 

I am really weird, but I dont through around the word love.

[amerikajin]

Are your boyfriend's eyes brown by any chance? I mean, it's obvious that he's full of s***.

 

Hellloooo!!!!

 

>>>He says that it there 'til the next girlfriend comes along.<<<<

 

If he said that to you, either he's got some large testicular mass in saying something so blunt to a current girlfriend...or he doesn't really think of you as his current girlfriend. In which case you've got some sorting out to do, girlfriend!

 

>>>So I asked him where we stood (this was about a month ago). We had the "I'm not seeing anybody else" talk and established that I was the next one. And he said that "I guess that was the wrong way to tell you that I need a picture of you" <<<

 

God, what a poor LIAR. About the only thing worse is the fact that you're actually buying it!

 

>>>He also said that it served as a reminder of what he didn't want to go back to.<<<

 

This absolutely, positively takes the cake!!! "It served as a reminder of what he didn't want to go back to????"

 

You've gotta be kidding me.

 

Look, the poor puppy keeps it around because he's still under the cloudy illusion that he's going to somehow get her back, and if he does, guess who's getting the heave-ho??? Of course, he probably won't get her back, because by keeping her picture in his wallet he's clearly mired in a state of "I miss you" which the ex no doubt picks up on. Somewhere along the way your "boyfriend" lost the respect of his ex, and that's why he's history.

 

Want some real advice???

 

Tell your "boyfriend" to make up his mind. Either you're boyfriend and girlfriend, or you're not...which is it??? If you are dating, then give him your picture and tell him to ditch hers. No questions asked.

 

If I were you, I'd keep seeing other guys until he's ready to make some kind of commitment.

[gobain]

We've been together for almost five months - known each other for 7. And for me, this is a first.

I have actually never said it. I mean, not ever. Lost a couple of relationships because of it. But it never felt quite right. It does now.

[gobain]

Well, I have to say I like your attitude. Its kind of where I need to get.

We hadn't had the whole "talk" until after I saw the picture but the fact that its STILL THERE even after the "talk" is more than unsettling.

And the weird thing is - I'm not usually this much of a sap! Its killing me!

[yogi-mon]

that a girl out there actually puts value in the word LOVE.

It gets tossed around these days in such a way that makes me

sick.

 

Ok, well if you feel for this guy, just make sure your not in love with him because

hes playing with your mind.

 

It sounds to me like hes got more of the upperhand in this relationship.

Which is ok. Assuming he is a geniune, and caring guy. Be careful, have fun

and dont leave your heart on your sleeve.

 

Have some self respect and this relationship will work.

[gobain]

I actually have a hard time expressing how I feel. I've worked very hard at hiding that stuff for a very long time. And I agree - "love" is thrown around too much - which is why I don't say it even when I've thought that I've felt it.

But he does have the upper hand despite my not being obvious about how I feel.

 

Amerikajin expressed alot of what I'm feeling right now. I'm feeling like the sap - which is not where I want to be. He really is a great guy, but am I really buying his excuses for the picture? I really think that he might be unwilling to let go of her right now. I don't expect him to be completely over the heartbreak she gave him but if he still has hopes of getting back with her how will he ever really be with me?

And considering my own feelings - that sucks.

[amerikajin]

Gobain,

 

Didn't mean anything personal in my message, and I apologize if that's how it was taken. I sometimes tend to be direct when I think it's warranted, and I thought it was in this case. I think you're trying to assume the best of your boyfriend's intentions, but you shouldn't. That doesn't mean to assume the worst or to be overly pessimistic. It just means, "en guarde". Keep your hands up at all times.

 

Your "boyfriend" is walking all over you right now because, he can. You're letting him. You need to stop letting him, but in order to take that next step you've got to prepare yourself first, and that takes some personal strength on your part. He may or may not react the way you want him to...and you've got to be prepared to say, "this is the line I'm drawing, and this is where the bullsh*t stops, and that's that." And if he crosses it, you've got to be prepared to move on to more promising prospects. You can't force what's not there anyway. Look at the behavior, look at the facts, and try to weigh the facts against your feelings and make the decision based on that.

 

He's not a bad guy for having a hard time getting over his ex. We've all gone through it, and unfortunately for the people we're dating, we've all been through it while we're involved in new relationships. I've been dealing with it the better part of two years myself, and it undoubtedly affected the two relationships I've had since we broke up. I can say now I'm honestly ready to move on to a more meaningful relationship, and if I find someone soon, I don't think I'll have any problems. It takes time, and sometimes people just need time and, unfortunately, a few dating experiences to figure out where they want to go in their lives. I don't think he's necessarily using you, I just think he might be a little confused right now, and you happen to be along for the ride. Maybe it's just bad timing.

 

All of that said, I don't want to sound too negative. There's the chance maybe you two can work something out after all. Maybe you should just be prepared to take things more slowly with him and try not to get your feelings too worked up at this point. Maybe you two can talk about this, about the speed of your relationship, about any kind of "space" that may need to be given, and other things too. It may put an additional burden on you, but if you really have these feelings for him, that might be a burden worth bearing.

 

Nevertheless, realize there are risks here. If he's not completely committed to you, there should be absolutely no expectation for you to be committed to him.

 

Hope that was a better reply than my first.

 

Good luck.

[Arabess]

I would be frank and tell him I care too much about him to be willing to be "turned on" with another woman's pic in his wallet. I would ask him to please put it in an envelope or box somewhere......until I could prove to him the pic wasn't worth the memory. Then, when he wasn't looking.....I'd rip the damn thing up and put it in my purse for future DISPOSAL!

[ziggue]

I remember when I was going out with my ex he still had a framed picture of his ex girlfriend sitting on the TV. After the bitch smashed my Playstation he borrowed with a hammer and all my games. I kept thinking I should've destroyed that photo myself. He used the fact that they had a baby together as an excuse to keep the photo there.

 

I should've seen that as a sign that he was gonna dump me and go back to that physco. She puts him through all types of **** and he always go back to her. I just hate what that bastard did to me but I'm glad I don't have to deal with their problems anymore. Espescially when there is a baby involved.

 

I remember giving him a photo to put in his wallet of me. His ex saw it and destroyed it. I think that is funny now when I think about it.

 

I think if he doesn't take the photo out of his wallet after you did talk to him. Just do it yourself and if he makes a big deal about what you did. He's not worth keeping. Not unless you try work out things.

[gobain]

Amerikajin,

 

No need to apologize about how your original message. It was on the mark - how could I not be feeling the same way myself considering the situation? I just needed to deal with it - so it was a good thing to hear, I assure you.

 

I definitely need to see where we stand. From the get go, I was the one that said I wanted to take it slow - a point he brought up when we first discussed where we were at. It was a big surprise to me that I began to have stronger feelings. I just have to stick with taking it slowly, talk to him about how I feel, and see where it takes us.

 

Your points about commitment and personal strength are well taken.

Thanks. You may not know it but you have helped a great deal.

 

Thanks to to Yogi-mon and the others who've expressed there opinions. You've all been great and I appreciate it.

 

Hopefully I'll be able to post some good news next week - after I screw up the nerve to do what I need to do.

 

Thanks again to all and feel free to continue letting me in on your opinions.

[wiseOLDman]

I'm gonna take the devil's advocate view here. What's the big deal that he has an old girlfriend's picture in his wallet? Give him one of you. If yours doesn't rate a more prominant position in the wallet, THEN you have something to be ticked off about. I remained very close friends with my first real girlfriend many years ago and would not have given any thought to keeping her picture in my wallet. She was an important person in my life. However, I'd not keep a photo of her hanging in my home or next to my bed. How far does the whole "why do you still have this" thing go on? Both my wife (of 18-yrs) and I have boxes of photos, letters, cards, yearbooks, etc with writings from past relationships of years ago.

 

Look, you let him know that it bothers you and he's a cad for not understanding your discomfort. But if you are confident in your relationship with him, don't let a wallet photo tear your relationship apart.

 

IMHO

[gobain]

Thanks for the sage advice.

It probably wouldn't bother me so much if it weren't the ONLY picture he keeps in his wallet - there's only a spot for one - and he didn't remove it when it obviously made me uncomfortable (to say the least). But I'm trying to get past it.

 

Its my intention, at this point, to give him a picture of me and see what happens. If he puts it in "the spot" I'll be happy. But honestly, if her picture is still in there after that, I'm walking. If he can't respect my feelings on this than where can our relationship possibly go?

 

Again, appreciation to all.