rudeaims Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I do not consider myself possessive nor do I feel I over examine things. My fiance was texting one of the girls he went to high school with. Apparently, he deleted some of the more innappropriate texts, but kept the ones that stated how he was recollecting the times they spent at his lakehouse and screwing around. How nostalgic. (To sum it up.) This was a spand of about a dozen texts he was sharing back and forth in over an hour. I was laying in the bed RIGHT BESIDE HIM! Then he deleted the ones that were about me or got too innappropriate. Do I think that he is going to leave me for something in his past? NO. Do I expect him to not talk to girls? NO. I am not upset he was talking to the now 'maxim model' but I am upset of them going back and forth about the memories of thier sex life. It is innappropriate and I just do not know a healthy way to convey this to him. Right now, it is kind of the silent treatment. Link to post Share on other sites
vox Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I do not consider myself possessive nor do I feel I over examine things. My fiance was texting one of the girls he went to high school with. Apparently, he deleted some of the more innappropriate texts, but kept the ones that stated how he was recollecting the times they spent at his lakehouse and screwing around. How nostalgic. (To sum it up.) This was a spand of about a dozen texts he was sharing back and forth in over an hour. I was laying in the bed RIGHT BESIDE HIM! Then he deleted the ones that were about me or got too innappropriate. Do I think that he is going to leave me for something in his past? NO. Do I expect him to not talk to girls? NO. I am not upset he was talking to the now 'maxim model' but I am upset of them going back and forth about the memories of thier sex life. It is innappropriate and I just do not know a healthy way to convey this to him. Right now, it is kind of the silent treatment. There is no healthy way to relay that because you're not mad at him. I mean, I'm sure you are a little, but this is more about you competing with her and feeling at a disadvantage, because I assure you if you didn't feel threatened, it wouldn't bother you. I'd just ask him why he was talking to her that way in a non-threatening, logical fashion and see what he says. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rudeaims Posted August 26, 2009 Author Share Posted August 26, 2009 I think you are right. Now that I think about it, the thing that I guess bothers me the most is- Why talk about those things? Why not talk more or less about the present and getting to know where one is "nowadays" and if talking about the past- why would you speak of the 'sex life'. To me, and as I told him- I just felt disrespected and another woman knows that he is engaged to me and thinks about the sex he had with her...after 10 years. Link to post Share on other sites
vox Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I think you are right. Now that I think about it, the thing that I guess bothers me the most is- Why talk about those things? Why not talk more or less about the present and getting to know where one is "nowadays" and if talking about the past- why would you speak of the 'sex life'. To me, and as I told him- I just felt disrespected and another woman knows that he is engaged to me and thinks about the sex he had with her...after 10 years. One thing that I think a lot of people struggle with is that just because we get into a relationship or eventually a marriage, we don't suddenly become different people. We don't have lobotomies. His single person is still inside him. It's just choosing to be with you. Now, there's a different between reminiscing and flirting. It sounds as though maybe he's got cold feet or he feels he can't open up to you? Are you overly emotional? Judgmental? Do you demand a lot of reinforcement? Those qualities can be very draining on someone else, so this might just be his release valve to let off steam so he can come back and be a good partner for you. Link to post Share on other sites
New Again Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 wtf. I think it's incredibly inappropriate to be talking about sex with another girl. It's disrespectful to you. And you right there next to him? Link to post Share on other sites
Dina2208 Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Totally agree with new again.... I think its one thing to have a conversation with an old friend from school, but its another to just talk about their history. Thats the past, and that shouldn't matter to them anymore. If he loves you, he wouldn't be doing that. Deleting the messages that are inappropriate or that are about you shows that he has something to hide, and I would be concerned with that. But talk to him about it in a calm matter, tell him its bothering you a little bit and that you want something done. Hope that helps Link to post Share on other sites
Author rudeaims Posted August 26, 2009 Author Share Posted August 26, 2009 To be honest vox, I know what he said was innappropriate and really that is his problem, not mine. I personally feel that it is a little on the sex-addict side to me vs me not being attentive enough. I would have more respect to not be texting about previous sexcapades to someone who is not my fiance. I feel if I did that, the person on the other end of the phone might think that I am 'missing' the sexual history or I am thinking about it after 10 years and being engaged. I just do not think that it is appropriate and of course I am not being over reactive to him because I am not talking to him until I know I can speak in a healthy and concerned manner vs angry or belittling. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 If he is sending inapproperiate text messages to another girl, then he is not fully committed to you. It sounds to me that he isn't ready to be in a relationship with just one person. Something to think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rudeaims Posted August 26, 2009 Author Share Posted August 26, 2009 wtf. I think it's incredibly inappropriate to be talking about sex with another girl. It's disrespectful to you. And you right there next to him? Yep, I sure was right darn there. I asked him who he was texting because the stupid sound of the clicking was annoying after an hour. I was like - My God can you please just hit the call button and talk to her vs clicking away when I am watching TV. (He does not use T9 so it is REALLY ANNOYING ) After another 30 minutes went by and a few turns of the cell away from anywhere in my perefials (sp?) along with him not wanting to "voice" what he was saying vs discretely typing... I checked his phone the next morning...but he deleted a some of the gap when things got bad or talking more about me and him and our wedding. ?????????? Not right. Link to post Share on other sites
New Again Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Yep, I sure was right darn there. I asked him who he was texting because the stupid sound of the clicking was annoying after an hour. I was like - My God can you please just hit the call button and talk to her vs clicking away when I am watching TV. (He does not use T9 so it is REALLY ANNOYING ) After another 30 minutes went by and a few turns of the cell away from anywhere in my perefials (sp?) along with him not wanting to "voice" what he was saying vs discretely typing... I checked his phone the next morning...but he deleted a some of the gap when things got bad or talking more about me and him and our wedding. ?????????? Not right. Whaaaaaat! That's such secret squirrel behavior!! I'm with jackjack.... Link to post Share on other sites
Dina2208 Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 WOW! This really bugs me. If I were put in this situation, I would be very upset. This seems to be really ****ed up, I'm sorry. Your fiance has no right to do this, AT ALL! If he honestly, deeply, truly loves you, he won't pull this disgusting behaviour! If he's doing this before you guys are even married, what is he going to do when you guys are married? I'm not trying to scare you or anything, but honestly, obviously this "maxium model" or whatever she is, still seems to have a grab on your finance, which means, theres maybe something still there for her? I dunno. Def have a lil chat with him, a serious one. Link to post Share on other sites
harmfulsweetz Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 This is more than inappropriate, it's verging on cheating. I know, I've done it. He's being disrespectful to you and your relationship, he's playing with fire. Say something, don't have to be tactful, he's not bothered by your feelings, don't be about his. He showed this when he texted her next to you! If you do aceppt this, he will only continue. Link to post Share on other sites
harmfulsweetz Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 why haven't you said anything to him yet? It's like you're happily sitting there, only annoyed by the sound of him texting! If it were me, I'd grab the darn phone, read it, and flush it down the loo before leaving his ass. Link to post Share on other sites
vox Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 why haven't you said anything to him yet? It's like you're happily sitting there, only annoyed by the sound of him texting! If it were me, I'd grab the darn phone, read it, and flush it down the loo before leaving his ass. Wow... And this is why you will die old and alone. There is nothing less appealing than a self-entitled psychobitch. Relationships sound like sound like so much fun. I can't wait to date ten people just like you! Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 If it bugs you let him know. Regardless of what people here think is appropriate or not it bugs you ...and that is what should matter to him...just don't expect him to read your mind...that will lead to him being defensive...just tell him it bugged you...if he loves you he'll stop. Link to post Share on other sites
harmfulsweetz Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Well I'm fairly sure it's not entirely normal to sit and put up with your fiance sex texting another girl. I have a tad more self respect than that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rudeaims Posted August 26, 2009 Author Share Posted August 26, 2009 why haven't you said anything to him yet? It's like you're happily sitting there, only annoyed by the sound of him texting! If it were me, I'd grab the darn phone, read it, and flush it down the loo before leaving his ass. I would like to say that I trust him...but inside I felt to be curious over the situation. Afterall, it was peculiar. Flushing his phone will not fix our problems. I suppose the only reason I have not spoken to him yet is because I want to handle the situation when I am calm, not when I am pissed. I do not want him to get more defensive than he already will be. I want him to feel he can be honest and open, but I AM NOOOOOOT a doormat. Link to post Share on other sites
harmfulsweetz Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I didn't mean literally flush his phone lol. I meant react! Sounds like you are to me. I mean, you are essentially allowing him to have phone sex next to you, which is in itself a form of cheating. How is that not being a doormat?! Baffles me. He has every right to be defensive, he has a lot to hide and answer for. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 wtf. I think it's incredibly inappropriate to be talking about sex with another girl. It's disrespectful to you. And you right there next to him? Let's play Devil's Advocate. Isn't this man's cell phone his business? This is his phone, his property afterall - and his fiancee, is not - since no woman can be a man's property. What this man decides to text is his business. Not hers. He could very well love the woman on the other line, but not necessarily be "in-love" which is an important distinction. People can love many people and not necessarily be "in-love" Link to post Share on other sites
Author rudeaims Posted August 26, 2009 Author Share Posted August 26, 2009 I do like VOXs advice toward the beginning. I guess the most important thing is WHY he felt that was ok to do. Not to say that makes it ok but it will let me know if there is a bigger problem vs a simple "F" UP. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rudeaims Posted August 26, 2009 Author Share Posted August 26, 2009 Let's play Devil's Advocate. Isn't this man's cell phone his business? This is his phone, his property afterall - and his fiancee, is not - since no woman can be a man's property. What this man decides to text is his business. Not hers. He could very well love the woman on the other line, but not necessarily be "in-love" which is an important distinction. People can love many people and not necessarily be "in-love" Are you a swinger or a moreon? Link to post Share on other sites
harmfulsweetz Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 But whilst he's with her, he should respect her enough to at least not do it in the same room. No she's not his property, nor he hers, but then again, you could say the same thing when a person goes out and cheats on them 'they don't belong to each other' so it's none of their business. Pah. Are we all advocating she sits there and allows him to text this girl when it really hurts her? Or does anyone think she should have a shred of self respect, and at least confront him about it. Damn right he's getting defensive, she seems so scared of making him run away from his wrong doings, that she's forgotten he neglected to care or think of her whilst he reminisced with his ex. Pardon me if that's psycho. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rudeaims Posted August 26, 2009 Author Share Posted August 26, 2009 Are you a swinger or a moreon? ......... to add to that last note...since he put a ring on my finger it became my dam* business. If I cannot trust him with texts right next to me how the fu*ck am I going to trust him with bigger things in the future such as finances or children? Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Are you a swinger or a moreon? You've misspelled moron. I think you should grant this man his independence - to have friends of the opposite sex, to let him do what he feels is important to him. I'm not marginalizing your concern - instead, I'm insisting that you grant him the same right to privacy that you would expect from any man. Link to post Share on other sites
harmfulsweetz Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 So he can sex text all he likes? Okay....... Sorry btw rudeaims, if I come across harsh, I mean well, it often just doesn't come out all that well. Link to post Share on other sites
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