The text messenger and sex messenger

[vox]

Vox' date=' you mentioned that you were gay. Is trust accentuated more in gay relationships? Is this a more common theme than in heterosexual relationships?[/quote']

 

I think gay men on the whole are more realistic about human nature.

[harmfulsweetz]

That's fair enough, no one wants to play nursemaid. Not expecting anything from anyone is a great thing, but sort of negative, but each to their own.

[You'reasian]

I think gay men on the whole are more realistic about human nature.

 

And gay women?

 

I would say life experience, rather than sexual preference teach people about human nature. Someone who, say grew up on the streets, for instance would probably have more life experience than someone who grew up in a more protected environment and that person would probably be more keen to basic human desires and human nature.

 

You could say the same of someone from a 3rd world country.

 

Same with someone who grew up a minority.

 

Challenging circumstances (socio-economic, ethnic, environmental) cause youngsters to live more life than their peers in less challenging circumstances - but I see your point.

[rudeaims]

I think there needs to be a period of time while being transparent. Lets put it this way, my fiance has all my passwords and can look through my phone whenever he so desires. I do this just to say "You can trust me if you ever feel like you need to look." I have nothing to hide. However, in a case like this there needs to be a period to just say, "You know what, it was stupid and meaningless- you can feel free to look if you ever want to but when I say I am sorry, I will make it a point to not do this again." Then he needs to just be transparent. Overtime, trust will once again be intact where I do not feel obligated to look. Afterall, I did not snatch the phone away to look or anything until there were red flags that provoked simple curiosity. I then calmly looked when he was out of the room. I felt that it was disrespectful to our relationship to say things that are in the past which promote general sex. Now, I am struggling to find words in which to communicate this feeling of disappointment without sounding like I am beating him up. However, I have been with him for 7 years. **** happens- we will work through it. The important thing is working THROUGH IT.

[rudeaims]

And gay women?

 

I would say life experience, rather than sexual preference teach people about human nature. Someone who, say grew up on the streets, for instance would probably have more life experience than someone who grew up in a more protected environment and that person would probably be more keen to basic human desires and human nature.

 

You could say the same of someone from a 3rd world country.

 

Same with someone who grew up a minority.

 

Challenging circumstances (socio-economic, ethnic, environmental) cause youngsters to live more life than their peers in less challenging circumstances - but I see your point.

 

Very good point. I agree. I do see where he is coming from in terms of being generally socially acceptable.

[rudeaims]

Look, I am sorry if the lakehouse comments bothered you, I thought it would be ok b/c to her and I it ultimatley is and was meaningless. However, that doesn't make it right so I apologize. Just know the above is sincere.

 

Also know that I will be watching you like a hawk from now on. I really don't want to do that nor do I think I need to but frankly this **** has got to stop. I can't talk to any of my old GF's that are pretty and you know what....it sucks. I don't mind if you talk to certain ones and there are even some I've told you to stop talking to (Lauren) and you don't so why should I? You have blown this whole thing out of proportion. You are jealous b/c she is a pretty girl who actually at one point did like me IN HIGHSCHOOL! I think you head would explode if we went to my reunion together so I might as well not go. Dear Lord, just give it a rest. You are on the hunt for blood over some little ass bull****. Please STOP! Seriously. And don't try an throw the last line in my face b/c I don't want to hear it.

[rudeaims]

1. Great backhanded apology. I could tell half way through it you said F all this.

2. Watch me like a hawk. I have nothing to hide.

3. I have given you breaks time and time again.

4. I would most enjoy us both having a clean slate and KEEPING IT THAT WAY

5. I do not care that you "talk" to girls, I care about the context duh

6. I am not jealous because she is pretty, I am upset because it is disrespectful

7. I just did not want her to think that after all these years you were wanting to reminisce of "meaningless" bs. Why not talk about where you are at now vs makeout, petting, sex days.

8. Why did you delete **** if it was "meaningless"?

 

THE END

[JackJack]

To the OP. Stop allowing yourself to be disrespected, because thats exactly what he is doing. You can't stop his actions but you can stop what you will and will not tolerate. He is not into you, well, obviously not just into you, but others as well. Tell him he is free to text whoever, whenever, but that you think more highly of yourself than to continue on in a situation where it seems one sided. No need to think much about what you need to say to him. If you have some self respect, you'll see you are worth more than to be treated like this, and can do better, good luck.

[harmfulsweetz]

Good for you for saying something

 

What a jerk though. He completely turned it around on you, which is what typically happens when people get defensive. Instead of admitting wrong, and accepting total blame, he's saying 'yeah I'm sorta sorry, but you this and you that.' Well, he needs to know there's a major difference in talking to women, and being inappropriate with them. Ask him how he would feel to read those texts on your phone, with another man. Would he feel they were inappropriate or meaningless? It's not meaningless if it hurts you. And he doesn't sound sorry at all. He sounds like a man whose been caught doing something wrong, but wants to turn it all around on you, and make himself into the victim.

[vox]

Good for you for saying something

 

What a jerk though. He completely turned it around on you, which is what typically happens when people get defensive. Instead of admitting wrong, and accepting total blame, he's saying 'yeah I'm sorta sorry, but you this and you that.' Well, he needs to know there's a major difference in talking to women, and being inappropriate with them. Ask him how he would feel to read those texts on your phone, with another man. Would he feel they were inappropriate or meaningless? It's not meaningless if it hurts you. And he doesn't sound sorry at all. He sounds like a man whose been caught doing something wrong, but wants to turn it all around on you, and make himself into the victim.

 

And, what happens when he says "I would never hold you to a double standard"?

[You'reasian]

To the OP. Stop allowing yourself to be disrespected, because thats exactly what he is doing. You can't stop his actions but you can stop what you will and will not tolerate. He is not into you, well, obviously not just into you, but others as well. Tell him he is free to text whoever, whenever, but that you think more highly of yourself than to continue on in a situation where it seems one sided. No need to think much about what you need to say to him. If you have some self respect, you'll see you are worth more than to be treated like this, and can do better, good luck.

 

JJ, I like your response.

 

In situations like this, the common theme is privacy vs. trust - and usually ends up going nowhere.

 

The person doing the sex texting (or receiving them etc.) often believes that discovery of the act by there partner is a violation of privacy/independence and that the other person is insecure - whereas the person finding out about the sex texting believes that the person they see as their partner isn't truly invested in their relationship and is cheating on them.

 

If neither partner can gain ground in this argument, the person doing the sex texting will often back track to their partner - "well, YOU were the one who wanted this relationship...etc"

 

Ultimately, a relationship is about two people and in the case of the sex texting, it is inconsiderate.

[rudeaims]

I know I was upset yesterday but really I just want to conclude all this on a mature/constructive note.

 

I do not care who you talk to and I do trust you, but know that what would bother you with me saying to men, would probably bother me with you talking to girls of as well. Just mind what the conversation entails in regards to it being appropriate.

 

I highly doubt that you would feel comfortable with me discussing to guys I dated in high school of memories in the physical sense. I would not talk to Paul or a multitude of other men concerning their recollection in regards to if he remembers what we did in the truck. Why would that appeal to me for him to remember? I have NEVER asked Matt if he remembers what happened in January, hint: New Years and the bedroom. I can go on and on but I HOPE you get the picture. The issue is not WHO you are talking to, it is WHAT you are talking about. I suppose it would be different if she brought it up...but you did...and it did not end there.

 

It may seem like I am beating a dead horse but I am disappointed that the reaction I got was that I was being controlling/possessive as well as having you in a little box. That is so not true. Just as you reminded me what I appear like if I am wearing short skirts and heels in public in respect to what men think, I am reminding you what women think of engaged men bringing up memories with another woman that are sexual. I do not see what is hard to understand with this and I will not have you manipulate it to where I AM the bad guy.

 

Please think about this. I know you 'apologized' but it was in fact a slap in the face as well as not reassuring to me whatsoever. I hope you read this.

[rudeaims]

I am sorry for hurting you Aimee. I can't say it any better. You can take it to the bank.

 

Love,

T***

 

 

 

---I knew he would get it when I displayed examples that would upset him....ugh. I mean really I do not hold him in a bubble...which you would find hard to believe Vox (If you are reading this- my debate friend, of whom I do have respect for on the sense we agree to disagree ) I don't care if he talks to his ex or girls from every country. I do not care if he *gasp* watches porn. I do not care if he checks out girls' asses everyday. I do care if he crosses the line, just like I would want him to care if I did the same.

 

10-4 Over and out...no use beating a dead horse.

[2sunny]

huh, that's it? he apologizes and it's all forgotten? oh man...

 

now all he has to do is hide it better from you and he still gets what he wants to do anyway. i would have told him to go pound sand!

 

you better start checking all the time now... and forever... my mind would never rest.

[blair08]

This is just my 2 cents on it.

 

You don't care if he talks to ex,s or other girls. You don't care if he checks out other girls asses etc. Sure guys might do that anyway and maybe that's where your thinking of comes from on this. However, you also say you do care if he crossess that line. That line would be what? Because he is talking in a sexual manner through texts to another girl? To me the line was crossed when you told him he could talk to whoever.

 

I'm not saying guys shouldn't have female friends, thats not what I'm getting at. However, because its ok with you that he talks to other girls and his ex's, did you really think it wouldn't turn sexual at some point?

 

How wonderful that he said he was sorry. However I don't think thats gonna stop his behavior.

 

"I knew he would get it when I displayed examples that upset him."

 

I don't think it upset him. I think he is telling you what you want to hear, and he will keep doing what he is doing, only now you're not likely to know about it.

[vox]

huh, that's it? he apologizes and it's all forgotten? oh man...

 

now all he has to do is hide it better from you and he still gets what he wants to do anyway. i would have told him to go pound sand!

 

you better start checking all the time now... and forever... my mind would never rest.

 

Doesn't this sound fun? This kind of dedication to openness and mutual respect really warms my cold, black tar-stained heart. That's right, 2sunny, you keep your man locked up in a little box for you and you alone, and I promise, you'll never be alone ever again!

 

It just amazes me how selfish people are about relationships. You people seriously make me wonder what the point even is in having one. If it all just comes down to ridiculous tripe like this.

[2sunny]

Doesn't this sound fun? This kind of dedication to openness and mutual respect really warms my cold, black tar-stained heart. That's right, 2sunny, you keep your man locked up in a little box for you and you alone, and I promise, you'll never be alone ever again!

 

It just amazes me how selfish people are about relationships. You people seriously make me wonder what the point even is in having one. If it all just comes down to ridiculous tripe like this.

 

didn't you read my whole post... the second half was meant to be sarcastic... as if she would WANT to check up on him all the time...

 

i told her she should tell him to go pound sand - take a flying leap! did you not understand that part?