You'reasian Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 ......... to add to that last note...since he put a ring on my finger it became my dam* business. If I cannot trust him with texts right next to me how the fu*ck am I going to trust him with bigger things in the future such as finances or children? You are engaged. Not married. If this is a red flag for you, the two of you should have a long walk and talk about this.
Author rudeaims Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 OK I admit it was very moronic of me to misspell moron
You'reasian Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 So he can sex text all he likes? Okay.. Its not about the sex texts. Its about his right to privacy. Its just as important to men as it is women, concerning relationships.
Author rudeaims Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 So he can sex text all he likes? Okay....... Sorry btw rudeaims, if I come across harsh, I mean well, it often just doesn't come out all that well. When you ask for peoples opinions you are open to their opinions. I was not offended- I just feel sorry for 'your Asian sounds like he is all sorts of backwards.
vox Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 OP, just out of curiosity, how is your sex life with you fiancé?
harmfulsweetz Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Yes, granted that's all well and good if they aren't sex texting and betraying their partner, when they do that, they sort of ask to lose their right to a private life, it's that or get out of the relationship. I wouldn't look in my partner's phone because I have nothing to worry about, but if I knew I did, I would. He would lose that right to privacy in my book if he wanted me to rebuild trust with him. I have cyber cheated in the past (very bad) and now, my boyfriend can read all of my emails, my facebooks etc if he needs to. I lost that right to privacy when I took up what I did.
Author rudeaims Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 Its not about the sex texts. Its about his right to privacy. Its just as important to men as it is women' date=' concerning relationships.[/quote'] Private is when you are behind your room wacking off. If he is texting that right next to me- it is obviously not private. I think you are as much of a 'moron' as my fiance.
Author rudeaims Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 A good healthy relationship is to remain transparent. My bet is that you are not married nor engaged asian
vox Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Yes, granted that's all well and good if they aren't sex texting and betraying their partner, when they do that, they sort of ask to lose their right to a private life, it's that or get out of the relationship. I wouldn't look in my partner's phone because I have nothing to worry about, but if I knew I did, I would. He would lose that right to privacy in my book if he wanted me to rebuild trust with him. I have cyber cheated in the past (very bad) and now, my boyfriend can read all of my emails, my facebooks etc if he needs to. I lost that right to privacy when I took up what I did. You know, reading this I'm honestly so profoundly relieved I ended up gay. You women are terrifying about this stuff. Losing rights? No privacy? You're just gonna stop having sex with your husbands anyway so what does it matter?
New Again Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Let's play Devil's Advocate. Isn't this man's cell phone his business? This is his phone, his property afterall - and his fiancee, is not - since no woman can be a man's property. What this man decides to text is his business. Not hers. He could very well love the woman on the other line, but not necessarily be "in-love" which is an important distinction. People can love many people and not necessarily be "in-love" I'm horrified by this!! I'm all about privacy, but that involves boundaries, INCLUDING with other people outside their relationship.
Author rudeaims Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 You know, reading this I'm honestly so profoundly relieved I ended up gay. You women are terrifying about this stuff. Losing rights? No privacy? You're just gonna stop having sex with your husbands anyway so what does it matter? I have never met a gay person who was not a whore themselves...and I have met many. I know it is general, but don't y'all go in a sex circle of partners anyway? Not tem mention, all my gay friends all broke up with thier partner for cheating...I guess one does become numb.
You'reasian Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Private is when you are behind your room wacking off. If he is texting that right next to me- it is obviously not private. I think you are as much of a 'moron' as my fiance. You can decide not to look over at what he's doing. Its sad that you think your fiance is a moron and the two of you are considering marriage - a commitment of love between a man and a woman, a legal contract - binding the two of you together, a sweet spiritual connection. Your best bet at this point is some serious pre-marital counselling. I wish you the best.
You'reasian Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 When you ask for peoples opinions you are open to their opinions. I was not offended- I just feel sorry for 'your Asian sounds like he is all sorts of backwards. You're looking at me from the rear. Its just perception.
harmfulsweetz Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I'm not saying no privacy at all, but if they do things like this, expect backlash, expect to have to prove yourself in order regain trust. You can't expect to do something such as this and still be able to keep everything as private as before, no sir. That's not psycho, that's commonsense.Ask anyone whose betrayed their partner, I had to and because I wanted to stay in the R, I did it. It's not psycho, it's normal, it's expected. It's called working for the R, I killed the trust, so I had to resurrect it. This took disclosure, honesty, time and effot. If that meant my bf had to check my phone every so often, look on my facebook, then so be it. If it helps.
2sunny Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 ......... to add to that last note...since he put a ring on my finger it became my dam* business. If I cannot trust him with texts right next to me how the fu*ck am I going to trust him with bigger things in the future such as finances or children? and this sums it all up - i would reconsider marrying him. his actions show that he's willing to disrespect you and disregard your relationship even while you are right next to him. whoooooaaaaaa! stop the bus! i'd want to get off in a big hurry!!!!
vox Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I have never met a gay person who was not a whore themselves...and I have met many. I know it is general, but don't y'all go in a sex circle of partners anyway? Not tem mention, all my gay friends all broke up with thier partner for cheating...I guess one does become numb. I'm not a whore myself bit I know you largely speak the truth. I have asperger's syndrome so all this neediness and jealousy and paranoia seems so petty and frankly pathetic. It's really very simple. If said person doesn't meet your needs or you aren't meeting theirs, admit it maturely and move on to find someone who can. My goal is not to own someone else. Put them in a pet carrier and need constant reinforcement. I want to be with an equal who is independent, sane and mature and concerned about happiness, notpossession. If he wants to leave, go for it. I'll find someone else too. What's the big deal?
You'reasian Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I'm not saying no privacy at all, but if they do things like this, expect backlash, expect to have to prove yourself in order regain trust You can't expect to do something such as this and still be able to keep everything as private as before, no sir. That's not psycho, that's commonsense.Ask anyone whose betrayed their partner, I had to and because I wanted to stay in the R, I did it. It's not psycho, it's normal, it's expected. It's called working for the R, I killed the trust, so I had to resurrect it. This took disclosure, honesty, time and effot. If that meant my bf had to check my phone every so often, look on my facebook, then so be it. If it helps. Do we give up privacy in exchange for trust? What if my privacy and independence mean more to me than the other person's trust issues? PS - I'm not saying this is my case, I'm arguing the point.
harmfulsweetz Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Obviously in a normal situation where there is equilibrium (neither have betrayed the other) then clearly you should have privacy, full privacy. However, when the balance shifts, and one betrays the other, privacy suddenly shifts in the way that the other person, the betrayed party needs to know more about what the "betrayer" is doing, saying etc in order to trust them once more. If that is an issue, and you would value your independence more than the trust of the R, then clearly the R isn't the thing you want. When two people want to be in an R, an M etc they will find ways to do so. I'm not suggesting that your value of privacy and independence means you can't have an R successfully, I'm saying that if the circumstance arises that trust is destroyed, or comprimised, then one of those must partly go to make it work, at least for a little while. However, under a normal, balanced R, privacy and independence are valuable things. I went through a few months of interrogation, not being trusted etc but it was worth it. I am now back to being independent, and not entirely private, but then, I like it in my own way.
You'reasian Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 If that is an issue, and you would value your independence more than the trust of the R, then clearly the R isn't the thing you want. I'm saying that if the circumstance arises that trust is destroyed, or comprimised, then one of those must partly go to make it work, at least for a little while. Salient points.
vox Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Obviously in a normal situation where there is equilibrium (neither have betrayed the other) then clearly you should have privacy, full privacy. However, when the balance shifts, and one betrays the other, privacy suddenly shifts in the way that the other person, the betrayed party needs to know more about what the "betrayer" is doing, saying etc in order to trust them once more. If that is an issue, and you would value your independence more than the trust of the R, then clearly the R isn't the thing you want. When two people want to be in an R, an M etc they will find ways to do so. I'm not suggesting that your value of privacy and independence means you can't have an R successfully, I'm saying that if the circumstance arises that trust is destroyed, or comprimised, then one of those must partly go to make it work, at least for a little while. However, under a normal, balanced R, privacy and independence are valuable things. I went through a few months of interrogation, not being trusted etc but it was worth it. I am now back to being independent, and not entirely private, but then, I like it in my own way. I'm not really into the whole jail warden punishment thing. I'd rather have independence than a relationship, I think.
harmfulsweetz Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Of course, I'm not advocating that any relationship would be worth living in if your partner were to snoop into every device, every crevice etc.
harmfulsweetz Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 That's fair enough, but course, if there came a time in your life when you meet that one, you make a mistake, they find out, would you not be prepared to work hard to make it work for them? But many people do find that once trust is destroyed, it rarely comes back.
You'reasian Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I'm not really into the whole jail warden punishment thing. I'd rather have independence than a relationship, I think. Vox, you mentioned that you were gay. Is trust accentuated more in gay relationships? Is this a more common theme than in heterosexual relationships?
vox Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 That's fair enough, but course, if there came a time in your life when you meet that one, you make a mistake, they find out, would you not be prepared to work hard to make it work for them? But many people do find that once trust is destroyed, it rarely comes back. Both of my most recent LTRs went as follows: I supported them both financially for three years. They gained obese health-threatening weight and I cheated on them both because I got tired of playing nursemaid and had no interesting being intimate with someone I didn't respect and who so clearly didn't respect himself. Now I don't really expect much from anyone. And I think that is a great lesson.
Recommended Posts