it ended very badly, big surprise

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I told HR and MM has resigned.

 

As I mentioned before, MM has presumably left his wife (or had his bags packed). On the advice of a friend/counsellor(newguy) I went to HR. I told her that my boss (MM) and I had something going on (she already suspected, everyone did I think). I told her it ended a while ago (2 months) but I had been drawn back in on a couple of occasions and was trying to move on.

 

I said that I work very hard and would like to be able to focus on my job and continue working here, but that there would need to be boundaries set where MM is concerned so I can get my work done, and not be drawn into meetings to hold his hand since his marriage was presumably ending, and he was in for some tough times ahead.

 

She said she would support me any way she can. She was already aware of his personal problems, as he has covered his own butt by talking to a few superiors about his home situation.

 

MM hasn't been in the last couple of days but left me a voicemail this morning stating that he has resigned. They don't make official announcements in our company for confidentiality reasons, but I will be asking his boss (who I somewhat also report to) for more details like will he be working out his notice, and how do we deal with that?

 

His boss actually came to see me this morning, as HR had talked to him, and so had MM. His boss said they won't make any immediate changes but if I felt I needed to report to someone else then they would make that change. That was before I got the voicemail, so now I am going to find out more.

 

So I just wanted to let you all know what was happening and hope anyone new here will learn something from this. I still don't feel like I'm in the clear. I may be looking for a new job soon, but it would be my own decision as I found out I can't be let go because of this.

[NoIDidn't]

Wow, that sounds like revenge from where I sit.

 

Especially the part where you tell HR that you are going work hard to focus on your job.

 

You shouldn't be in the clear. I really hope he recorded all those "conversations" you had with him pushing him to leave his W.

 

So transparent.

[Mino]

Yikes... I work with my mm too. Its not easy. But getting him fired? No that just does not make sense, both chose this A. How can one be more to blame then the other? Sorry MWC, but I think that was a wrong move going to HR. It would have been better to threaten him with it, so he would back off. You threw him under the bus, but you were both partners in crime. I thought and still do think that working with my xmm will be a problem, because my heart still hurts. But if I realize that I cannot handle it, I will be looking at relocating myself. My job is just as valuable as his, its both of our careers in 6 figure income. Not easy to replace. But at the end of the day, I have to take my responsibility for myself if I just can bare working with him anymore. Getting him fired is so not an option I could live with.

[OWoman]

I have a different take on this.

 

I don't see what MWC did as "getting him fired", but rather, protecting herself.

 

Yes, perhaps she could have foreseen that he may have gotten leaned on (by HR, management, whoever...) - but he should have foreseen that too. Ultimately, as her boss, he had positional power over her in the workplace, and so in company terms, the responsibility was on him to a greater degree. If I decide to shag one of my underkicks, the question always arises, to what extent they consented freely and of their own volition, and to what extent they complied. (No, I don't, in case anyone wonders.)

 

OTOH, perhaps his resignation was entirely of his own choosing, and not prompted by pressure from HR (or management, or whoever). Perhaps he was spoken to gently, in a "MWC came to speak to us..." kind of way, and he decided that - since the A was now in the public domain - he couldn't face everyone knowing (particularly with his M breaking up, and them all putting 2 and 2 together) and decided discretion was the better part of valour.

 

Or perhaps his bags really were packed, and he was wanting a clean break - new home, new work, new life....

 

Whichever way, I didn't read this as MWC setting out to get him fired. I've not seen anything in previous posts to suggest this was on her agenda, and the thread title suggests ("it ended very badly") that this wasn't h er desired outcome.

[reservoirdog1]

I'm honestly trying to say this without being judgmental.

 

MWC, I've read a number of your posts over the last few years. Your love life has always been, it seems to me, "full of drama". MMs, OMs, dating your boss, etc.

 

It can't be a surprise to you that any time one gets involved with another person, where either of you has a significant other, more likely than not there's going to be craploads of drama at some point.

 

Thus the questions are:

 

1) Do you enjoy getting into relationships or romantic entanglements that come with so much built-in drama?

 

2) If not, what leads you to wind up in such situations repeatedly?

 

I'm not presenting these questions so you can answer me -- they're for you to think about. I hope you'll do that.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

OW you have it right.

 

I did not get him fired. He emailed me Monday night saying he couldn't see working together, so he would probably resign. I took that as more manipulation but believed him because a while ago, he did say that was one of his options, just to go away.

 

I talked to HR the next morning, only to protect myself. I didn't want my job to suffer as a result of being called to hold his hand for 2 hours a day. HIS boss came to me saying that MM spoke to him before I went to HR. HR spoke to his boss, I don't know what was said, but as a result of MM's "home" issues he had already covered his own a$$ and it was time I covered mine.

 

Could you imagine if he decided to move me to a new position, one I wouldn't enjoy, just because HE felt I was wasting time in his office even though I was at his beck and call as a result of his control and power over me?

 

I don't expect to come out smelling like roses but my work is getting done and that is all that should matter. If he can't handle the emotional crisis and focus on his job, then it's his job on the line, not mine.

[Mino]

Gel, My xmm was promoted last year and became my boss, we were already over 4 years ibto the A. That was wierd for me having him as my boss all of a sudden. When I broke it off, I also got a transfer first. So now I do not work for him anymore, just down the hall. Again if he left because he could not bare working with her, thats on him. He has the choice to leave and start fresh. But I guess my next question for MWC is why did she go to HR? What was her intent of bring this to their attention?

[whichwayisup]

I think it was a big mistake to go to HR as well..Sorry, but knowing full well he was your boss and that he was married from the beginning doesn't justify the fact it's ended badly for you to go to HR. If anything, you should have just left your job and focussed on healing and moving on. Either way, now you both are gone, you won't be able to stay there as word will get around and I hate to say it, your reputation is going to be questioned. Leaving could be the best thing for you, to start over professionally somewhere else.

 

I thought the A ended well over two months ago, so why the dramatic ending again? He chose his wife, yes?

 

Anyway, time for you to be alone for a long while and not date anyone. Seems you have a pattern of over lapping from one guy to another..Don't mean that as shot at you, it's just not healthy to do that. Be alone, heal and grow as a woman, be independant.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I'm honestly trying to say this without being judgmental.

 

MWC, I've read a number of your posts over the last few years. Your love life has always been, it seems to me, "full of drama". MMs, OMs, dating your boss, etc.

 

It can't be a surprise to you that any time one gets involved with another person, where either of you has a significant other, more likely than not there's going to be craploads of drama at some point.

 

Thus the questions are:

 

1) Do you enjoy getting into relationships or romantic entanglements that come with so much built-in drama?

 

2) If not, what leads you to wind up in such situations repeatedly?

 

I'm not presenting these questions so you can answer me -- they're for you to think about. I hope you'll do that.

 

 

I am jot a drama queen, I just made some bad choices while in an emotional vulnerable state, and certain type of men recognize and take advantage of that.

 

I want to put this behind me, but as I said I will have my moments, and may not come out smelling like roses but there are alot of great things about me. I am a great mom, I work hard and love my job, I'm a somewhat professional athlete (my sport doesn't have pro status), I am in great physical shape and not hard to look at. My only bad qualities are that I am too hard on myself, and I take things personally. I try to please everyone and I avoid negativity. I don't express myself well, and therefore sometimes hold in my feelings or fail to be truthful about what I am really thinking for fear of hurting others.

 

I have met a wonderful man, and I believe we were brought together for a reason. We are both at the same place in life, we are compatible, and he lives 5 min away instead of in the city an hour away like my last few men.

 

I ended the affair two months ago, and encouraged MM to work on things with his wife IF YOU WERE READING N.I.D. I did NOT cry in his office begging him to leave his wife. I made a statement, IF you are going to be an A-HOLE why not just leave?

 

Know what else about my MM? His wife had cancer several years ago and he abandoned her because taking graduate studies was more important to him than driving her to her appts. She had to take the handivan on the days she felt too weak to drive herself. She suffered a miscarriage and do you think he was there for her?

 

When I found this out, THAT is when she started to exist in my mind. That is when I had to start letting go of the dreams, and that is when I fell out of love with him, but tried so hard to be there as a friend, and THAT was mistake #2. AND I could not tell him off because he was my BOSS.

[Mino]

My entire company knew we were a couple. We did not advertise it, but they knew. When I transfered departments, and then broke up, people of coarse wondered. I just kept going, doing my job, actually doing it better then before...and when a few coworkes questioned me about our R, I just blew it off as I didnt want to discuss my private life at work, and said If they forgive me for not answering , I would forgive them for asking...Life continued in the work place, and nothing was ever mentioned after that...

[fooled once]

And does any OW wonder why so many people here say to quit picking your MM from the workplace?

 

I have to say I kinda agree with this others.

 

YOU voluntarily entered a relationship with him.

 

YOU chose to keep hanging on, helping him along the way with his wife and issues at home.

 

YOU chose to NOT make a clean break; you didn't get sucked back in or reeled back in. You WENT back to it time and time again.

 

I do believe it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS what happened at work and why he resigned. IF you are so done with him like you want us to believe, STAY OUT OF IT.

 

Quit talking to others about him; quit trying to find out more details. Leave It Alone.

 

DO your work. FOCUS on your work.

 

Let him deal with the fall out and mind your own business.

 

At least now you may realize he isn't the man for you; and him covering his butt is no different than you covering yours.

[whichwayisup]

Know what else about my MM? His wife had cancer several years ago and he abandoned her because taking graduate studies was more important to him than driving her to her appts. She had to take the handivan on the days she felt too weak to drive herself. She suffered a miscarriage and do you think he was there for her?

 

Yet you still chose to have an affair with him, knowing he did that to his poor wife? And you wanted this guy, knowing what he was and IS capable of??? Yuck. He's a real sh.it.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I think it was a big mistake to go to HR as well..Sorry, but knowing full well he was your boss and that he was married from the beginning doesn't justify the fact it's ended badly for you to go to HR. If anything, you should have just left your job and focussed on healing and moving on. Either way, now you both are gone, you won't be able to stay there as word will get around and I hate to say it, your reputation is going to be questioned. Leaving could be the best thing for you, to start over professionally somewhere else.

 

I thought the A ended well over two months ago, so why the dramatic ending again? He chose his wife, yes?

 

Anyway, time for you to be alone for a long while and not date anyone. Seems you have a pattern of over lapping from one guy to another..Don't mean that as shot at you, it's just not healthy to do that. Be alone, heal and grow as a woman, be independant.

 

I am not leaving this job. Not sure what you mean "he chose his wife". Whether he crawls back to her or not, I care not to know and I hope I never hear from him again. I went to HR on the advice of my counsellor/friend.

 

WWIU you keep referring to my overlap? I spent summer alone except for two occasions where I had sex with MM. The A ended in June. I thought I would just date a few men now to get out of the house, but this man came into my life as I said, for a reason.

[fooled once]

I am jot a drama queen, I just made some bad choices while in an emotional vulnerable state, and certain type of men recognize and take advantage of that.

 

I want to put this behind me, but as I said I will have my moments, and may not come out smelling like roses but there are alot of great things about me. I am a great mom, I work hard and love my job, I'm a somewhat professional athlete (my sport doesn't have pro status), I am in great physical shape and not hard to look at. My only bad qualities are that I am too hard on myself, and I take things personally. I try to please everyone and I avoid negativity. I don't express myself well, and therefore sometimes hold in my feelings or fail to be truthful about what I am really thinking for fear of hurting others.

 

I have met a wonderful man, and I believe we were brought together for a reason. We are both at the same place in life, we are compatible, and he lives 5 min away instead of in the city an hour away like my last few men.

 

I ended the affair two months ago, and encouraged MM to work on things with his wife IF YOU WERE READING N.I.D. I did NOT cry in his office begging him to leave his wife. I made a statement, IF you are going to be an A-HOLE why not just leave?

 

Know what else about my MM? His wife had cancer several years ago and he abandoned her because taking graduate studies was more important to him than driving her to her appts. She had to take the handivan on the days she felt too weak to drive herself. She suffered a miscarriage and do you think he was there for her?

 

When I found this out, THAT is when she started to exist in my mind. That is when I had to start letting go of the dreams, and that is when I fell out of love with him, but tried so hard to be there as a friend, and THAT was mistake #2. AND I could not tell him off because he was my BOSS.

 

HUH?

 

Just 2 months ago you were giving him ultimateums about being with you and he had until the end of summer to decide?

 

As for the new guy --- do you really think jumping from one relationship to the next is the smartest move for you? Don't you think that is using him?

 

STOP and disengage for a while. The 'break' you were on with the MM is not stopping. You were still waiting around for him to decide. That isn't working on you; that was biding your time.

 

I kinda feel bad for the new guy because he has no idea what he is in for. I am willing to bet you two have yet to have a long conversation where the MM's name hasn't come up or without you telling him about how mean he was to you or whatever.

 

Give yourself time to be UNattached to ANYONE.

[Mino]

Fooled once, Ok, I think alot of us met our mm at work, me included.. Sorry I didnt follow the rule books on that... but guess what SH*T happens..

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Yet you still chose to have an affair with him, knowing he did that to his poor wife? And you wanted this guy, knowing what he was and IS capable of??? Yuck. He's a real sh.it.

 

Did you read my next line? That was when I tried to end it. He was my boss. He had control over me and didn't make it easy for me to move on.

 

I think in a way it was destined for me to meet someone just in time, to be saved from a life of devastation with this man.

 

I have been in my job for ten years, and being in a rural area, there aren't alot of opportunities for me to go elsewhere other than possible contract work with no benefits, no guarantee of work, and too much travel.

 

People will respect me for the work I do here. If they judge me based on a mistake I made, that is their problem, not mine.

[fooled once]

 

No kidding Mino.

 

I did too.

 

But this is a great lesson in WHY NOT TO.

[Mino]

Yet you still chose to have an affair with him, knowing he did that to his poor wife? And you wanted this guy, knowing what he was and IS capable of??? Yuck. He's a real sh.it.

wwisup, thats wrong, He maybe a real POS, but I am sure MWC didnt figure that out till the end... stop with the poor w crap, PLEASE!!!

[fooled once]

Did you read my next line? That was when I tried to end it. He was my boss. He had control over me and didn't make it easy for me to move on.

 

I think in a way it was destined for me to meet someone just in time, to be saved from a life of devastation with this man.

 

I have been in my job for ten years, and being in a rural area, there aren't alot of opportunities for me to go elsewhere other than possible contract work with no benefits, no guarantee of work, and too much travel.

 

People will respect me for the work I do here. If they judge me based on a mistake I made, that is their problem, not mine.

 

See, this is where, IMHO, you aren't getting it.

 

NO MAN SHOULD SAVE YOU.

 

You should 'save' yourself.

[Mino]

 

No kidding Mino.

 

I did too.

 

But this is a great lesson in WHY NOT TO.

You FUNNY GIRL:p

[Mino]

See, this is where, IMHO, you aren't getting it.

 

NO MAN SHOULD SAVE YOU.

 

You should 'save' yourself.

OOOHHHH < I agree with you on that one, I WOULD NEVER WANT A MAN TO SAVE ME! Woman are capable to do that on their own, Thank you very Much!!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

FooledOnce, I did not give him ultimatums. He is the one who kept saying things would be wrapped up by end of summer. He kept extending the deadlines he set for himself, and we always agreed that the A was over and if we were ever to be together, it would be a long time before he gets to a good place and then and only then we would see whether or not we still wanted to explore our "feelings" for each other.

 

To me, that "better place" would include him being a better person able to love and commit and be there for me if I became ill.

 

The new guy knows everything.

 

So now MM thinks now that he made the move to leave that I would be waiting in the wings. When I told him I was still moving on, because he isn't "there" yet, he got pissy and started playing his manipulative games again.

[Mino]

 

No kidding Mino.

 

I did too.

 

But this is a great lesson in WHY NOT TO.

YES FL, I learned that too...

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

See, this is where, IMHO, you aren't getting it.

 

NO MAN SHOULD SAVE YOU.

 

You should 'save' yourself.

 

Sorry I will rephrase that. God put him in my life because He knew I needed to be saved.

[foreal]

A cheating MM get his ass handed to him at the office instead of the OW?

 

About damn time.