How Important is Sexual Compatability to You?

[Devil Inside]

Lat night my wife and I were discussing the importance we place on sexual compatibility for a good marriage. As our marriage has progressed I am realizing that what I want and expect from a sexual relationship is much different from she wants. Basically I want more, and like to keep it exciting. She likes it...but not like I do.

 

She then said she thought I was shallow for thinking it was very important, and potentially a make or break factor in a marriage.

 

What are your thoughts?

[Lizzie60]

Lat night my wife and I were discussing the importance we place on sexual compatibility for a good marriage. As our marriage has progressed I am realizing that what I want and expect from a sexual relationship is much different from she wants. Basically I want more, and like to keep it exciting. She likes it...but not like I do.

 

She then said she thought I was shallow for thinking it was very important, and potentially a make or break factor in a marriage.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

This is typical. A W that doesn't like sex would say that... shift the culpalibity on you..

[Adunaphel]

I think that the subject is a minefield, because when it comes to talking about sex the guy means one thing and the woman understands another...and vice-versa.

I hear that often the man means sex and intimacy, while the woman assumes it's just about the physical act

[parrotlover]

I think it's very important. Maybe one of the most important things in a marriage.

[redtail]

My favorite Woody Allen quote bears repeating; "Sex is only 5% of a relationship, but if that 5% isn't there, then the other 95% doesn't matter."

 

So the conversation you had is hardly unique. My wife said when I brought up a conversation about making love; "Is that all you think about?" Well, let me ask you this, does a starving man, one who has gone without food for days on end, ponder the meaning of life?

[Thaddeus]

Once again, the fellow who has needs is dismissed as selfish and shallow.

 

So the next time the OPs wife needs emotional support, tell her that it's selfish and shallow.

 

What's good for the goose... etc etc...

[Devil Inside]

I hear that often the man means sex and intimacy, while the woman assumes it's just about the physical act

 

Exactly. I tries to explain to her that sex is my language of love. More specifically knowing that she wants me...that she desires me. Is this shallow...who knows, but it is important to me. I have made a lot of mistakes in my M...but one I am ready to work on is not speaking up to what is important to me.

[Devil Inside]

Once again, the fellow who has needs is dismissed as selfish and shallow.

 

So the next time the OPs wife needs emotional support, tell her that it's selfish and shallow.

 

What's good for the goose... etc etc...

 

I'd much rather get her to really understand how much I crave it...how it makes me feel loved.

[Devil Inside]

Makes me wonder if there are women that need sex like I do.

[vox]

I recently (last few years) than I have Asperger's Syndrome, so my view of sexuality is really skewed. I like NSA sex where I never have to see the person again, but intimate sex with an SO always feels like a chore and pressure to me. I could probably be a fantastic husband if I didn't have to have sex with him, and we just handled sex elsewhere.

 

I realize I won't be in the majority there, but I don't have all those bonding hormones you neurotypical people have.

[RouRou]

Makes me wonder if there are women that need sex like I do.

 

There are women out there that understand the importance of a physical relationship...My bf chooses to masterbate to porn rather than have sex, lack of sex has for sure had a negative influenece on us...He thinks its "too much work" to have sex...I find it fun and a very important part of a relationship...I often hear from him "why would you want me to have sex if I dont feel like it?".....lammmmmmme! Clearly I should have gotten to know him better and no we are not being selfish.

[Lizzie60]

Makes me wonder if there are women that need sex like I do.

 

 

Waving hands here..

[parrotlover]

Waving hands here..

 

me too me too!

[Devil Inside]

Lizzie, Parrot...do you ladies want to have a conversation with my wife....lol

 

Oh well. I married young. We were pregnant. If I could go back in time...what I would have done differently...like make sure the person you are marrying has the same views on this as you do...it would make all the difference now...eight years later.

[Adunaphel]

I'd much rather get her to really understand how much I crave it...how it makes me feel loved.

 

The second part is what it would be better to focus on, IMO, when discussing the matter again.

Also, you told your W that you'd like to "keep it exciting". I think that a huge number of women would interpret such a sentence as "he is hinting that having sex with me is not enogh exciting".

I wonder if phrasing things a bit differently might make a lot of difference... but it might be worth a try.

If she gets it very clearly that you'd like more sex with her (opposed to "just" more sex) she might be less likely to think you are shallow

[Kamille]

I'm a reformed 'sex-is-not-important' person. For some reason, I had integrated the notion that a relationship had to be about something other then sex, or else it didn't stand a chance. I think it stemmed from being brought up in a world where I was taught to always make sure that a man wasn't using me "just for sex". I had somehow interpreted that as meaning that a strong relationship had to be about other things then sex.

 

I've since been in two other shorter Rs where sex helped me feel close to my partner, so I now get where you are coming from. And couldn't imagine seeing sex as a chore ever again. Experience has also taught me how great it feels to do things for the R and the happiness of one's partner.

 

Anyway, have you tried approaching the conversation differently? Make it a conversation about intimacy, not sex. What do you do that makes her feel close to you? What could you do to make her feel close to you? Maybe she will be more open to hearing about what makes you feel close to her if you present it as a compromise rather then a request and a need.

[OWoman]

Lat night my wife and I were discussing the importance we place on sexual compatibility for a good marriage. As our marriage has progressed I am realizing that what I want and expect from a sexual relationship is much different from she wants. Basically I want more, and like to keep it exciting. She likes it...but not like I do.

 

She then said she thought I was shallow for thinking it was very important, and potentially a make or break factor in a marriage.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

Wow! It would certainly be a make or break factor in my M!!

 

My H and I both have high libidos, and less than 3 or 4 times a day (due to circumstances beyond our control) feels like starvation to us. If either one of us was happy for once a week or so, the other would feel pretty aggrieved - and with good cause! The expectation, when you negotiate the terms of any R, but a LTR like a M in particular, is that those terms will hold until agreed otherwise. If one party were to change the terms unilaterally by wanting significantly less (or, conversely, significantly more) then the other has every right to feel grumpy and unheard.

 

DI, you say sex is your "love language". If you do relate primarily through physical touch, then you will feel neglected and unloved if those needs are not satisfied, however much you reassure yourself intellectually that you are loved. My H was starved of physical affection for decades by his xW, and came alive at the touch of another woman who didn't have problems with PDAs. Is it any wonder his heart followed so swiftly? If you and your W live past each other in this way, you leave yourselves vulnerable to the impact of others who relate to you on your wavelength. You've been there before - you know the risks. Do you want to spend the rest of your life living under that threat?

[Gamine]

Lat night my wife and I were discussing the importance we place on sexual compatibility for a good marriage. As our marriage has progressed I am realizing that what I want and expect from a sexual relationship is much different from she wants. Basically I want more, and like to keep it exciting. She likes it...but not like I do.

 

She then said she thought I was shallow for thinking it was very important, and potentially a make or break factor in a marriage.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

 

Go see a sex therapist and/or a MC who specializes in sexual dysfunction.

 

DI, as a woman I can tell you that during my husband's affair I pulled away. Even though you don't know intellectually/consciously concerning the existence of the affair there's something down deep inside that doesn't feel right.

 

Given that you are basing your love feelings for your ex affair partner greatly on the sexual freedom, excitement and sexual connection... perhaps she is picking up on that emphasis... which may be feeling unnatural to her within the context of your marriage.

 

I recently read a book "False Intimacy" which deals with the many faces of sexual addiction. You may want to read this book. Sex for the sake of sex within certain parameters can be indicative of a form of sexual addiction. There are many faces of addiction and it doesn't always take the shape we may ascribe to it. In some cases it is the desire just for the sex for the emotional feelings it gives. Please give yourself and your wife a chance and look into this before you make any decisions concerning your marriage. There is more to this than meets the eye, DI. Don't do anything hasty.

[mem11363]

I have concluded - from years of reading blogs - that about 20-25 percent of women truly grasp the emotional power of sex. I mostly credit "luck" that my wife of 20 years would say this about sex if she were commenting about sex and how it fits in a marriage.

 

>>>>>

If you marry a man with a high sex drive who ALSO has a active, healthy lifestyle, you have to expect that his sex drive will remain high for a LONG time. And that means that - unless you are a fool - you need to be prepared to deal with a man who wants a lot of sex for much/most of your marriage.

 

Now you can look at this as blessing or curse. I look at it as a blessing. This is the ONE thing he ONLY does with me, it intensifys his love for me, and it amplifys his desire to please ME, both in and out of bed.

>>>>>>

My wife has a low drive. I have a high drive. Her ideal frequency is 3 / month, mine is 15 / month. Our happy compromise is 8-10 / month. But those twice weekly sessions are fantastic. They are the highlight of my week - mainly because this is girlfriend quality sex. Amazing.

 

So this is not about drive levels. It absolutely is about knowing what is important to your spouse and making the effort to give it to them.

 

My wife is religious. I am not. However EVERY Sunday I go to church with her and the kids. I volunteered to do this long, long ago and am glad to spend this 1.5 hours a week doing something that is important to HER. And that is part of a great marriage. She is my highest priority - and other then the kids - I am hers.

 

I would not have fallen in love with a person who was not highly sexual with me. And I would not have tolerated the "bait and switch" some women do where they behave in a highly sexual way before marriage and then very differently after marriage and even more so after kids. That is deceptive behavior, it is selfish and frankly the "if I am not in the mood leave me alone" is totally lame.

 

What would happen if the following pattern occured in a marriage: The wife comes home after a bad day and wants to talk to her husband about it. And most nights his response is "I am not in the mood to talk about your bad day, your negative emotions, or anything else right now. I just don't feel like talking much tonight"

 

Why is THAT wrong - but denying sex ok?

 

 

Lat night my wife and I were discussing the importance we place on sexual compatibility for a good marriage. As our marriage has progressed I am realizing that what I want and expect from a sexual relationship is much different from she wants. Basically I want more, and like to keep it exciting. She likes it...but not like I do.

 

She then said she thought I was shallow for thinking it was very important, and potentially a make or break factor in a marriage.

 

 

 

What are your thoughts?

[angie2443]

Go see a sex therapist and/or a MC who specializes in sexual dysfunction.

 

DI, as a woman I can tell you that during my husband's affair I pulled away. Even though you don't know intellectually/consciously concerning the existence of the affair there's something down deep inside that doesn't feel right.

 

Given that you are basing your love feelings for your ex affair partner greatly on the sexual freedom, excitement and sexual connection... perhaps she is picking up on that emphasis... which may be feeling unnatural to her within the context of your marriage.

 

I recently read a book "False Intimacy" which deals with the many faces of sexual addiction. You may want to read this book. Sex for the sake of sex within certain parameters can be indicative of a form of sexual addiction. There are many faces of addiction and it doesn't always take the shape we may ascribe to it. In some cases it is the desire just for the sex for the emotional feelings it gives. Please give yourself and your wife a chance and look into this before you make any decisions concerning your marriage. There is more to this than meets the eye, DI. Don't do anything hasty.

 

I think you're right. I don't think DI is going to want to see this, though. I hope for his wife's sake he either works on not only his marriage but himself, or, acts respectively and divorces.

[NoIDidn't]

Something is wrong DI, but handle her with care - especially considering what you are going through. You don't want to open this can of worms with her and have her find out your secrets.

 

I think she knows something, like Gamine says. Its an intuitive thing.

 

Was she always like this? I don't know her but I don't think she was always this way.

 

This is a touchy subject for me because my H did this to me early in our marriage. Before marriage he was always ready to go, after marriage - he practically ran from sex all the time. And it was very hurtful to me. It was a dealbreaker but I wasn't ready and didn't really want to leave him because of it.

 

Now, he sounds like you, but I am just not feeling the level of frequency that he wants for MANY valid reasons. I know that he craves it - but more importantly, I know that he craves ME. I think this is what your W is not hearing - that you crave HER.

 

So, the question is, do you crave sex or her?

[Mino]

Makes me wonder if there are women that need sex like I do.

of coarse, I am one of them:)

[angie2443]

Now, he sounds like you, but I am just not feeling the level of frequency that he wants for MANY valid reasons. I know that he craves it - but more importantly, I know that he craves ME. I think this is what your W is not hearing - that you crave HER.

 

So, the question is, do you crave sex or her?

 

You know, there are many posts on these boards in which men are complaining that their wives don't want sex anymore and I'm now wondering if, many times, it's because these women don't feel desired. It is a very painful, lonely feeling to have sex with someone who wishes you were someone else, or who just wants a warm body to lay with for a couple of minutes while they take care of their business. I haven't experienced this with my husband but have experienced it with someone else. I think most women can sense when they are not craved/desired and are just bieng used as an instrument by a man when he craves sex.

[Gamine]

I think he is in for a world of hurt and a disaster of epic proportions if DI starts with his 'list' of things he wants to do 'to keep it exciting'. Unless, of course, he doesn't mind if his list of things wind up creating his own self induced D'day.

[Tony T]

Why is it that couples so often start taking about critical issues in relationships AFTER they get married???