How Important is Sexual Compatability to You?

[WalkInThePark]

and came alive at the touch of another woman who didn't have problems with PDAs.

 

What is PDAs?

[WalkInThePark]

Go see a sex therapist and/or a MC who specializes in sexual dysfunction.

 

I don't believe that this can be solved. A lot of women simply do not feel sensual and sexual AND refuse to do something about it. As a matter of fact, there are also men like that.

The best thing would be that those people would get married to each other.

 

I am a woman and for me sex is very important in a relationship. If I love a man I want to have sex with him. If I don't want to have sex with him, it means that I don't love him.

I would not want a relationship with a partner whose sex drive and sexual preferences are too different from mine. It would simply not work. I once dated a man, we were both in our thirties and he sometimes suffered from ED. I am sure that it was due to his unhealthy lifestyle (smoking and drinking regularly, no sport). But he refused to see a doctor about it and told me that "it was normal that things did not function 100% anymore since he was no longer 20". I broke up with him.

I really try to live in a healthy way and want to stay fit and dynamic as long as I can. I expect the same from my partner. Maintaining a healthy libido for as long as possible is part of that in my eyes. And that is not only a physical thing but also a mental thing. For example, by giving importance to your appearance, by dressing in an elegant way, by making yourself feel sexy and sexual, one maintains oneself's sex drive.

But I see so many people, both men and women, who let themselves go once they reach a certain age.

[giotto]

I learnt on my own skin that, if a woman is off sex, for whatever reason, the battle is lost. You cannot make you wife/partner have sex with you. This is the reality. Try and reverse the role. If you had no sex drive at all, would you like being "forced" to have sex? Probably not. You might give your husband/wife the pity shag, the ultimate psychological blow...

[giotto]

I don't believe that this can be solved. A lot of women simply do not feel sensual and sexual AND refuse to do something about it. As a matter of fact, there are also men like that.

The best thing would be that those people would get married to each other.

 

I am a woman and for me sex is very important in a relationship. If I love a man I want to have sex with him. If I don't want to have sex with him, it means that I don't love him.

I would not want a relationship with a partner whose sex drive and sexual preferences are too different from mine. It would simply not work. I once dated a man, we were both in our thirties and he sometimes suffered from ED. I am sure that it was due to his unhealthy lifestyle (smoking and drinking regularly, no sport). But he refused to see a doctor about it and told me that "it was normal that things did not function 100% anymore since he was no longer 20". I broke up with him.

I really try to live in a healthy way and want to stay fit and dynamic as long as I can. I expect the same from my partner. Maintaining a healthy libido for as long as possible is part of that in my eyes. And that is not only a physical thing but also a mental thing. For example, by giving importance to your appearance, by dressing in an elegant way, by making yourself feel sexy and sexual, one maintains oneself's sex drive.

But I see so many people, both men and women, who let themselves go once they reach a certain age.

 

I agree with this...

[Gamine]

I don't believe that this can be solved. A lot of women simply do not feel sensual and sexual AND refuse to do something about it. As a matter of fact, there are also men like that.

The best thing would be that those people would get married to each other.

 

I am a woman and for me sex is very important in a relationship. If I love a man I want to have sex with him. If I don't want to have sex with him, it means that I don't love him.

I would not want a relationship with a partner whose sex drive and sexual preferences are too different from mine. It would simply not work. I once dated a man, we were both in our thirties and he sometimes suffered from ED. I am sure that it was due to his unhealthy lifestyle (smoking and drinking regularly, no sport). But he refused to see a doctor about it and told me that "it was normal that things did not function 100% anymore since he was no longer 20". I broke up with him.

I really try to live in a healthy way and want to stay fit and dynamic as long as I can. I expect the same from my partner. Maintaining a healthy libido for as long as possible is part of that in my eyes. And that is not only a physical thing but also a mental thing. For example, by giving importance to your appearance, by dressing in an elegant way, by making yourself feel sexy and sexual, one maintains oneself's sex drive.

But I see so many people, both men and women, who let themselves go once they reach a certain age.

 

There is a scene in Witches of Eastwick that I will never forget. Jack Nicholson speaks of the relationship between men and women in this way.... "men complain that they are *ucking a dead person... and they're the one who killed her..."

 

I have a very passionate nature and deeply wanted some intimate connection with my husband every single day. But I turned to him and night after night he turned me away. He wanted to control it. If he didn't initiate it when he 'had an urge' it didn't happen. And I would turn away with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

 

Now when he puts his hands on me I pull away. Too much hurt and lack of true sexual reciprocity. There was no giving from this man the way there was in the beginning. In the beginning he wanted me... I felt as though I was the most beautiful woman in the world to him and that his sexuality was for me. Then I learned that his sexuality has for him. And the rest is history.

 

He might quite possibly be among the ranks of men who would now 'complain' that there isn't enough intimacy. But I cannot help but throw this out there... not for finger pointing or blame... but for the truth of it...

 

What happened for her to recoil and pull away from the very same man she desired so much? Men have posted all over LS about how they feel women dupe them... they are hot for them and then after marriage turn cold. As if it is a desired game by the woman.

 

As a woman I can tell you it is no fun at all feeling this way. In fact it is total crap. There was no bait and switch with me. Just a man who wanted to control... he did... and controlled the sex right out of our relationship.

 

As far as personal maintenance is concerned... well at 48 I look 30. If I spent any more time on myself I'd have no time left over for sleeping. He has no complaints in that department. I only have lingerie ... not T shirts.

 

I think the men need to consider some things. All over LS there are women posting about how they are not interested in sex with their husband or speak of how they lost desire for their husbands only to leave the relationship through an affair or divorce to find that it wasn't an absence of sexuality at all... but that it was in actuality a lack of desire for that man... their man... in particular.

 

When we first got together there was true sexual reciprocity. When we married he owned the show. He established the routine. He did for him. Me? I'm not sure I'm even part of the equation anymore. I know who I used to be... and I know that woman is in there somewhere. But years of heartbreak can take the excitement out of it...

 

One poster here on LS who is a woman and who is extremely sexually active commented that she had been in a long term marriage with no desire. Got out of the relationship and she is insatiable.

 

I suppose the question is not to debate whether women 'bait and switch', or are sexual failures for their men. But men... to ask yourselves what the heck happened. And do something about it.

 

Because I promise you. Women are not cold and unavailable. But they can become that.

[mem11363]

Gamine: Hilarious quote below - good movie. When people write in asking "what is a fair/reasonable/healthy" frequency for sex in marriage I always respond this way:

 

The primary number to focus on is the "rejection frequency". How many times a month does either spouse ask for sex and get "rejected"?

 

My wife is low drive, and I am high drive. Early on we learned to manage this interaction with a lot less pain. So if either of us gets asked for sex, the response is either:

- Yes or

- Is it ok if I rock your world tomorrow - and that request is sincere the next day "world rocking" happens

 

To be fair - what that really has meant for most of our marriage is simple that my wife makes the effort to "let me" get her in the mood because she so rarely starts out aroused. And early on I worked hard to learn how to get her in the mood, in a nice way, that was fun for her as well.

 

But separate from the bedroom I tried to just be a good partner, best friend, fun traveller through life. And the truth is that all the good stuff I did "outside" the bedroom was the primary aphrodisiac in our marriage.

 

My wife and I are now 46 - 20 years married. And guess what, the equation has changed some in the last couple years. In the beginning I initiated 98% of the time. Now it is more like 70% of the time.

 

So now I have to deal with the occassional night where she asks and I am not "in the mood". So I go out of my way to do two things when that happens. One I apologize sincerely. I am keenly aware that after all those years of humoring my needs, my wife can quite fairly ask that I step up here. The other is I definitely follow the promise to "rock her world tomorrow". Oh - and I am always willing to just make it a night where I slide down the sheets and please her - but she does not like the "one way" thing going in that direction. She does that for me sometimes, but does not want it done for her.

 

The truth is, after almost 20 years of having my wife be so generous with me sexually I do feel bad on the occassional night where I decline. But I only do it on nights where I am tired enough to be concerned that I might have a, uh, performance problem.

 

The main, main thing to me is that on the 2-3 nights a year I say "can we connect tomorrow", that I do it in a way that my wife does not feel rejected, or hurt, or unloved. Because she been so successful at managing to do that for me during our marriage.

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

There is a scene in Witches of Eastwick that I will never forget. Jack Nicholson speaks of the relationship between men and women in this way.... "men complain that they are *ucking a dead person... and they're the on-ho killed her..."

 

I have a very passionate nature and deeply wanted some intimate connection with my husband every single day. But I turned to him and night after night he turned me away. He wanted to control it. If he didn't initiate it when he 'had an urge' it didn't happen. And I would turn away with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

 

Now when he puts his hands on me I pull away. Too much hurt and lack of true sexual reciprocity. There was no giving from this man the way there was in the beginning. In the beginning he wanted me... I felt as though I was the most beautiful woman in the world to him and that his sexuality was for me. Then I learned that his sexuality has for him. And the rest is history.

 

He might quite possibly be among the ranks of men who would now 'complain' that there isn't enough intimacy. But I cannot help but throw this out there... not for finger pointing or blame... but for the truth of it...

 

What happened for her to recoil and pull away from the very same man she desired so much? Men have posted all over LS about how they feel women dupe them... they are hot for them and then after marriage turn cold. As if it is a desired game by the woman.

 

As a woman I can tell you it is no fun at all feeling this way. In fact it is total crap. There was no bait and switch with me. Just a man who wanted to control... he did... and controlled the sex right out of our relationship.

 

As far as personal maintenance is concerned... well at 48 I look 30. If I spent any more time on myself I'd have no time left over for sleeping. He has no complaints in that department. I only have lingerie ... not T shirts.

 

I think the men need to consider some things. All over LS there are women posting about how they are not interested in sex with their husband or speak of how they lost desire for their husbands only to leave the relationship through an affair or divorce to find that it wasn't an absence of sexuality at all... but that it was in actuality a lack of desire for that man... their man... in particular.

 

When we first got together there was true sexual reciprocity. When we married he owned the show. He established the routine. He did for him. Me? I'm not sure I'm even part of the equation anymore. I know who I used to be... and I know that woman is in there somewhere. But years of heartbreak can take the excitement out of it...

 

One poster here on LS who is a woman and who is extremely sexually active commented that she had been in a long term marriage with no desire. Got out of the relationship and she is insatiable.

 

I suppose the question is not to debate whether women 'bait and switch', or are sexual failures for their men. But men... to ask yourselves what the heck happened. And do something about it.

 

Because I promise you. Women are not cold and unavailable. But they can become that.

[Scottdmw]

Here are some ideas.

 

First, make sure it's not a relationship issue. Often some other problem will manifest itself as a lack of sex drive in women. If she's actually mad at you for some other reason, or if you are unconsciously resenting her for something, you have to get to the root of that first. I'm not saying do whatever she wants, you have your own needs too, but at least make sure that she feels you understand her and are listening to her. If your resentment _is_ about sex, I would say get over that yourself and you may see the sex come back. No one likes to be pressured, but if you take the pressure off she may come to you.

 

Second, if touch is your language of love, you might perhaps try more non-sexual touching. Is it the case that every time you touch her you expect sex? Or, do you often cuddle with her, give her massages, etc. with absolutely no expectation of sex, even a definite decision that you’re not going to go there on a particular occasion? I would try that if you're not already doing it.

 

Third, it may be the case that you need to work on yourself in other areas. Imagine if your wife let herself get really fat. Would you still be attracted to her? The male equivalents are different though and more complicated. Just as a person yourself, do you feel a strong sense of purpose in your life? Is there excitement and enthusiasm in your life separate from your wife? Do you have goals and interests? Do you take your wife along on adventures? A lot is written on the web about attraction in women, mostly with a view towards dating and pickup. However, the same thing applies after marriage. You might get some ideas reading there.

 

It may be that you're doing all this and you really have a basic incompatibility in drive level. If that's true, I would suggest the best thing to do is to accept it. There are many worse problems in life. Consider that I and many other people are single and get no sex at all for long periods of time, months or years. That could be you if you get divorced. Your situation is not bad right now. Make the best of it, and focus your energy somewhere else. Try to accept non-sexual touching as a demonstration of her love and wanting you.

 

Scott

[MSUE]

I think its an important part of any R wether is marriage or domestic partners...most men have a higher sex drive than women and its something that needs to be communicated so you guys can reach an agreement on it...compatibility is very important...as it plays a major role on both parties sexual desires and satisfaction...sometimes couples have to compromise...I do believe a women better take care of their partner ...cause often times it's major cause of A's

[Devil Inside]

All great points. Gamine..darn you...I hate it when you make so much sense...it's like being in church and the message is hitting you right between the ears.

 

A bored person is boring...I need to remember this. Who is the one that has killed sex in the marriage...well both of us...but I am the one that wants to revive it and it starts with me.

 

I also hear that she needs to feel wanted. Do I want her. Not like I used to. As some of you know I screwed up royally and had an A. The sex from that R opened my eyes to the sexual person that I really am and how I cam alive when I felt desired. My A is over, but it will take some time for my feeling sof desire to die off from my A and be transferred back to my M.

 

I really am to blame here. I see that I am asking something that she can't possibly do. I want her to sexually confident and aggressive with a partner that only has one foot into the M...yeah it's BS.

[mem11363]

Scott makes many great points below. I do however believe that if you are solid in the core relationship areas, you have the right to convey something very important to your low drive spouse and that is this.

 

Sex is not in some special category of behavior totally different from everything else. The notion that "I don't feel like doing this - so of course I am not going to do it" is not one that works well in ANY healthy marriage. I will give you two examples of how people "compromise" in terms of sexual frequency.

 

In my marriage - and this is truly just how it worked out - we did not get here by me sitting down with a calculator.

- Wifes ideal frequency: 3 times a month

- Mine ideal frequency: every other day / 15 times a month

- Actual frequency: 8-10 times a month - a true split the difference deal

 

The spouses who say we do it when I am in the mood - full stop. For them, if they were in my marriage, this results in sex 3 times a month. So that means the high drive spouse, is basically sexually frustrated most of the time and the low drive spouse never exerts themself sexually. By exertion I mean making the effort to either get yourself in the mood or allowing your partner to get you there.

 

This type of behavior - regardless of the gender of the low drive partner, is purely selfish. And it is NOT about sex, it is simply about not caring to make the effort to please your partner. Tell me the last time you read a post where the man/woman said, my spouse is low drive which is frustrating, but on the nights I ask for sex, when they say know they say, I know this is hard for you let me give you a nice long back massage. And the reason that generally doesn't happen is the "starver" does not care about how the "starvee" feels.

 

So if you have a partner who is not willing to exert themself to please you - and you are a good spouse - then maybe they are just a very selfish person or just not that into you. I would rather be single then in a parasitic marriage where I am a great spouse and my partner is not.

 

 

Here are some ideas.

 

First, make sure it's not a relationship issue. Often some other problem will manifest itself as a lack of sex drive in women. If she's actually mad at you for some other reason, or if you are unconsciously resenting her for something, you have to get to the root of that first. I'm not saying do whatever she wants, you have your own needs too, but at least make sure that she feels you understand her and are listening to her. If your resentment _is_ about sex, I would say get over that yourself and you may see the sex come back. No one likes to be pressured, but if you take the pressure off she may come to you.

 

Second, if touch is your language of love, you might perhaps try more non-sexual touching. Is it the case that every time you touch her you expect sex? Or, do you often cuddle with her, give her massages, etc. with absolutely no expectation of sex, even a definite decision that you’re not going to go there on a particular occasion? I would try that if you're not already doing it.

 

Third, it may be the case that you need to work on yourself in other areas. Imagine if your wife let herself get really fat. Would you still be attracted to her? The male equivalents are different though and more complicated. Just as a person yourself, do you feel a strong sense of purpose in your life? Is there excitement and enthusiasm in your life separate from your wife? Do you have goals and interests? Do you take your wife along on adventures? A lot is written on the web about attraction in women, mostly with a view towards dating and pickup. However, the same thing applies after marriage. You might get some ideas reading there.

 

It may be that you're doing all this and you really have a basic incompatibility in drive level. If that's true, I would suggest the best thing to do is to accept it. There are many worse problems in life. Consider that I and many other people are single and get no sex at all for long periods of time, months or years. That could be you if you get divorced. Your situation is not bad right now. Make the best of it, and focus your energy somewhere else. Try to accept non-sexual touching as a demonstration of her love and wanting you.

 

Scott

[NoIDidn't]

There is a scene in Witches of Eastwick that I will never forget. Jack Nicholson speaks of the relationship between men and women in this way.... "men complain that they are *ucking a dead person... and they're the one who killed her..."

 

I have a very passionate nature and deeply wanted some intimate connection with my husband every single day. But I turned to him and night after night he turned me away. He wanted to control it. If he didn't initiate it when he 'had an urge' it didn't happen. And I would turn away with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.

 

Now when he puts his hands on me I pull away. Too much hurt and lack of true sexual reciprocity. There was no giving from this man the way there was in the beginning. In the beginning he wanted me... I felt as though I was the most beautiful woman in the world to him and that his sexuality was for me. Then I learned that his sexuality has for him. And the rest is history.

 

He might quite possibly be among the ranks of men who would now 'complain' that there isn't enough intimacy. But I cannot help but throw this out there... not for finger pointing or blame... but for the truth of it...

 

What happened for her to recoil and pull away from the very same man she desired so much? Men have posted all over LS about how they feel women dupe them... they are hot for them and then after marriage turn cold. As if it is a desired game by the woman.

 

As a woman I can tell you it is no fun at all feeling this way. In fact it is total crap. There was no bait and switch with me. Just a man who wanted to control... he did... and controlled the sex right out of our relationship.

 

As far as personal maintenance is concerned... well at 48 I look 30. If I spent any more time on myself I'd have no time left over for sleeping. He has no complaints in that department. I only have lingerie ... not T shirts.

 

I think the men need to consider some things. All over LS there are women posting about how they are not interested in sex with their husband or speak of how they lost desire for their husbands only to leave the relationship through an affair or divorce to find that it wasn't an absence of sexuality at all... but that it was in actuality a lack of desire for that man... their man... in particular.

 

When we first got together there was true sexual reciprocity. When we married he owned the show. He established the routine. He did for him. Me? I'm not sure I'm even part of the equation anymore. I know who I used to be... and I know that woman is in there somewhere. But years of heartbreak can take the excitement out of it...

 

One poster here on LS who is a woman and who is extremely sexually active commented that she had been in a long term marriage with no desire. Got out of the relationship and she is insatiable.

 

I suppose the question is not to debate whether women 'bait and switch', or are sexual failures for their men. But men... to ask yourselves what the heck happened. And do something about it.

 

Because I promise you. Women are not cold and unavailable. But they can become that.

 

Great post. I see some of the patterns of my relationship in it, but almost in reverse.

 

I wanted it everyday. In the beginning he obliged me and I gave him a nickname that he loved (Bunny, LOL, :bunny: ) But then things changed. He wanted it less and less often. He told me he was happy with once a week, and basically rejected me until he was in the mood. I wasn't having that! Hell hath no fury....

 

Now, he looks back and sees how his rejection helped to get us to where we are now.

 

He wasn't controlling it, though, that was me. I liked control of the act, and he seemed to love it. Because of my history as a sexual abuse survivor, that was just the way it had to be for me to really enjoy it. I was too afraid to give him permission to "ravish" me the way I did him.

 

So, I can now see how I got such a lazy (lacks imagination in lovemaking - not actually lazy - he's full of energy for whatever position I come up with) lover out of the deal so many years later. I used him when I wanted to be sexual. I didn't really desire him, so I am guilty of what I mentioned earlier and he may well have gone off of sex the way he did because of it. Our MC told him my reaction was normal considering what I had been through. In fact, our MC told him he was one of the lucky ones given what I had experienced. But it is still something I work on. I want him to feel wanted. Just don't quite know how to do it when it comes to sex. (really embarrassing to admit that)

 

But we are actively working on it.

 

Whoever asked why people don't talk about these things before they get married has missed a major point - none of us thought we would ever have these problems in this area. We spoke about everything we could think of. Imagining that we'd one day have sexual incompatibilities was never a consideration. We know better now, though.

[Devil Inside]

Whoever asked why people don't talk about these things before they get married has missed a major point - none of us thought we would ever have these problems in this area. We spoke about everything we could think of. Imagining that we'd one day have sexual incompatibilities was never a consideration. We know better now, though.

 

Good point. In the infatuation stage everyone has great sex. It's not until that cools off that sex becomes work. It's when your real hang up and issues about a lot comes out...in bed.

[foreal]

Lat night my wife and I were discussing the importance we place on sexual compatibility for a good marriage. As our marriage has progressed I am realizing that what I want and expect from a sexual relationship is much different from she wants. Basically I want more, and like to keep it exciting. She likes it...but not like I do.

 

She then said she thought I was shallow for thinking it was very important, and potentially a make or break factor in a marriage.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

If you tell your W about your A, she is more likely to reevaluate the shallowness of your thinking- b/c it is not shallow at all.

 

Once she knows you were boinking someone else, her sex drive will most likely sky rocket- and if you are lucky, she will jump on your rocket, instead of another man's....but sky rocket it will...

[OW_WS]

My H and I both have high libidos, and less than 3 or 4 times a day (due to circumstances beyond our control) feels like starvation to us.?

 

WOW! Genuine question: WHEN?!?! Do you both not have jobs and other life commitments? Once a day is work to fit into busy schedules -particularly if one or both travel for work- twice a day I can see for very highly driven individuals but 3 or 4?!?! I must be missing something!

 

To reply to the serious part of this. Sexual compatibility is a big one. -In fact it's what has driven me to an A- and it's sadly not something that can be diluted to "Well we're married/in a R, the contract is twice a week, goddamn it!" and then terms be obeyed. Not that simple. Individual libidos change, in particular with age, what is the actual probability that they will perfectly match each other in change as well? Near nil. That is where compromise comes into play and what someone else says here is true, the give-and-take has to do with love languages and what the one who offers sex when they are not all up for it can barter.

 

DI, I seem to speak to you a lot today when you said it's a make-or-break issue have you two taken the conversation further? When is it break for whom? Would she live with none? What's your minimum? What's the maximum she would feel happy with?

[girl68]

Exactly. I tries to explain to her that sex is my language of love. More specifically knowing that she wants me...that she desires me. Is this shallow...who knows, but it is important to me. I have made a lot of mistakes in my M...but one I am ready to work on is not speaking up to what is important to me.

 

I was watching Dr. Phil last night and he mentioned something just like this. (Except it pertained to house cleaning)

 

Wife wanted hubby to do more around the house.

Hubby obviously doesn't like house work.

 

Dr Phil says: Wife sees hubby helping her do chores (he used taking out the garbage specifically) as love. This is how wife sees it: "hubby takes the trash out because it's dirty, heavy, and he "loves" her... " Her language of love is by helping her. He helps her because he loves her. If he doesn't help her she feels like he doesn't love her.

 

In your case... your language of love is sex. Neither of you is wrong! But your partner needs to understand your language. And if not agree with it, compramise to reach an equal, livable middle ground.

 

I don't often agree with Phil, but in this case- I do understand what he's getting at, it makes perfect sense.

 

Makes me wonder if there are women that need sex like I do.

 

Yes, I've ended a very serious long term relationship and the sole problem was sex. It wasn't the only problem but it was the problem that made everything go to shiet.

 

I couldn't agree more with the statement: "sex is only 5% of the relationship... but if that 5% isn't there... the other 95% doesn't matter"

[Devil Inside]

 

DI, I seem to speak to you a lot today when you said it's a make-or-break issue have you two taken the conversation further? When is it break for whom? Would she live with none? What's your minimum? What's the maximum she would feel happy with?

 

We have spoken further. What she feels is shallow is that I would leave the marriage if I felt that she was not willing to make steps towards our sexual life being different than it is now. She like sex...and is good with 2-3 times a week. We both work, have small kids, and in the grand scheme of things if we can have sex 2-3 times she is good, or even less if we are busy. She also is fine with having fairly routine sex because it is easiest and convenient. If I didn't want to have as much sex as she, she thinks she could live with it because the rest of our relationship is good.

 

I am kind of a freak. My ideal would be like twice daily. Plus I like to spice it up...role play, her in lingerie, fantasies, outside, multiple positions...you get the picture. Do I have a minimum....not sure...but I guess for me quality is important. I want her to have that look in her eye that says "i'm going to eat you alive." If it is a chore for her to make love to me then it isn't going to work for me.

 

On a positive note, yesterday I worked hard on being seductive and loving all day. texts, eye contact, little comments, kissing the back of her neck...she practically tackled me into the bedroom once the kids were asleep. So I think making her feel like I want her will help her reciprocate.

[choklit]

I am kind of a freak. My ideal would be like twice daily. Plus I like to spice it up...role play, her in lingerie, fantasies, outside, multiple positions...you get the picture. Do I have a minimum....not sure...but I guess for me quality is important. I want her to have that look in her eye that says "i'm going to eat you alive." If it is a chore for her to make love to me then it isn't going to work for me.

 

OH MY......I could have written this same paragraph!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is one reason why sex during my A was AWESOME, we were both freaks. The role playing, lingerie, mirrors, fantasies, naughty pics, sunlight so you don't miss the stares, and more.

 

My H totally ignored my legitimate statements of what was turning me off sexually and what I needed from him emotionally. He was too busy thinking I was being too critical and trying to change him versus making attempts together to create better intimacy. I am physically fit and confident with my sexiness and my H attraction toward me, but the emotional distance, resentments, and hygiene issues hindered my ability to be totally free in the bedroom. The OM's wife, physical problems and self esteem issues which probably hinder her ability to be free. Does your wife fit either?

 

I know what you are feeling. I desperately desire to have this type of sexual experience in my M. But there are some aspects about my H that will not change, so very doubtful I will ever have this exciting sex life with my H! Keep trying!

[Gamine]

WOW! Genuine question: WHEN?!?! Do you both not have jobs and other life commitments? Once a day is work to fit into busy schedules -particularly if one or both travel for work- twice a day I can see for very highly driven individuals but 3 or 4?!?! I must be missing something!

 

To reply to the serious part of this. Sexual compatibility is a big one. -In fact it's what has driven me to an A- and it's sadly not something that can be diluted to "Well we're married/in a R, the contract is twice a week, goddamn it!" and then terms be obeyed. Not that simple. Individual libidos change, in particular with age, what is the actual probability that they will perfectly match each other in change as well? Near nil. That is where compromise comes into play and what someone else says here is true, the give-and-take has to do with love languages and what the one who offers sex when they are not all up for it can barter.

 

DI, I seem to speak to you a lot today when you said it's a make-or-break issue have you two taken the conversation further? When is it break for whom? Would she live with none? What's your minimum? What's the maximum she would feel happy with?

 

I hear this and what smacks me right in the face is ... man oh man... if these aren't two people acting out... then what on earth is???!!! If they aren't doing it (I'm sorry there is no way it can be making love ... time wise... it would be impossible) 3 to 4 times a day they feel like they are starving? Good lord. Somebody needs to find out either about (a) some actual quality, gratifying sex' or (b) how to deal with their sexual dysfunction... because this sort of extreme out of control stuff is just the tip of the iceberg.

[Devil Inside]

 

My H totally ignored my legitimate statements of what was turning me off sexually and what I needed from him emotionally. He was too busy thinking I was being too critical and trying to change him versus making attempts together to create better intimacy. I am physically fit and confident with my sexiness and my H attraction toward me, but the emotional distance, resentments, and hygiene issues hindered my ability to be totally free in the bedroom. The OM's wife, physical problems and self esteem issues which probably hinder her ability to be free. Does your wife fit either?

 

 

Until just recently she has had some serious self esteem issues...especially in the bedroom. I guess when we first met she felt safe enough with me to be more open, that and I was infatuated so I didn't notice. Confidence in the bedroom is so huge for me. My wife is pretty and has a curvy figure...but I can tell she is not comfortable in her own skin. She gets shy when I give her oral or try new positions. My xOW just went for it...so it's difficult.

[OWoman]

What is PDAs?

 

Public Displays of Affection

 

WOW! Genuine question: WHEN?!?! Do you both not have jobs and other life commitments? Once a day is work to fit into busy schedules -particularly if one or both travel for work- twice a day I can see for very highly driven individuals but 3 or 4?!?! I must be missing something!

 

Well, the "travel for work" bit is the "circumstances beyond our control" bit that sometimes limits us, but mostly we work from home, which gives us flexibility to use our time as best suits us. And with long summers days and waking early, there really are many hours in a day.

 

Good point. In the infatuation stage everyone has great sex. It's not until that cools off that sex becomes work. It's when your real hang up and issues about a lot comes out...in bed.

 

Interesting argument. I wonder how widespread that is? My experience seems a little different, though. I've had less-than-great sex while infatuated - it killed the infatuation instantly - and really great sex with partners with whom I had no emotional connection at all (just raw lust). In my first M, long after everything else became boringly unsustainable, the sex was still hot - it was the only point of connection.

 

I must confess, I'm appalled at the notion of "sex as work". If sex ever became a chore to me, I think I'd chew through my wrists. If sex isn't making the M fun and providing intimacy and connection and energising the partners, what is? What's keeping them together, beyond economics and fear?

[grogster]

I must confess, I'm appalled at the notion of "sex as work". If sex ever became a chore to me, I think I'd chew through my wrists. If sex isn't making the M fun and providing intimacy and connection and energising the partners, what is? What's keeping them together, beyond economics and fear?

 

 

Let me show you my bite marks!

 

Kidding aside, I'd rather not have any sex than unenjoyable "chore" sex.

 

But that's just me, and I'm older than most here.