What's the deal with my girlfriend? Is she cheating?

[Mr. Joe]

My gf and I have been together for 2 and a half years. She's in grad school and we just moved to a college town. I'm not working and spending my time applying to school myself. She's really busy and has been going to office hours for a certain class she's taking.

 

 

Anyway, this guy who is her TA is really smart and has been giving her lots of extra help. She's very open and tells me she thinks he has a crush on her. I'm trusting, so I say okay, but she should tell him about me. She laughs and we treat it like a joke. Then, she tells me that she really needs to let him know that she has a boyfriend, apparently because he's expressing real signs that he has a crush on her. She tells me this too.

 

 

Then he tells her how in love he is with her and how much it hurts him to be around her (this is why they can't be friends). She tells me this too and even feels sorry for him. I'm supportive, but I tell her the guy will get over it. Apparently it's not so easy for him and it turns out they meet a number of times to discuss how he can't get over it. I don't like this and tell her so. She assures me that I'm the one she really loves and she would never do anything with this guy because he's very different from her.

 

 

Then, a couple days later, she tells me that she really needs some space from me. I leave at night and give her space. Then she tells me that she has feelings for him, but that she would never act on them. Then she tells me she needs more space, so I go out of state to stay with some family. She assures me that she just needs time to sort it all out in her head. She assures me that nothing will happen with this guy, and laughs as a way of telling me that she would never cheat on me.

 

 

Now I read her e-mail (I was snooping and jealous and I have her password) and she had e-mails from him where they are arranging to get together. I don't know if I should trust her, as this is what has seemingly not worked out so well for me in the past, or what. I would appreciate any advice. I really can't imagine breaking things off with her. She's so insistant that I'm the one to be with but that this guy is just a temporary crush. I assume people have those even when they are in serious long term relationships. It's just worrisome that now that I am out of the immediate picture, she's meeting with him and not telling me.

 

 

Any advice would be appreciated? I'm wondering if I should ask her if she's been seeing him, or if I should just allow her the space she needs and see what she decides.

 

 

Thanks!

[Arabess]

It seems to me....she is gonna take that "space" whether you give it to her or not. She wouldn't have been mentioning the guy over and over if she wasn't interested in his advances. It's a way of "telling you about it slowly". I've done the same thing.

 

I would be upfront and tell her to go do whatever she has to do.....and to give you a call when she's done... AND MAYBE....JUST MAYBE...you'll still be available. Then, go on with your own life. If she comes back fine...if she doesn't....you didn't lose face.

 

She isn't a bad person just cause she ran into someone who sparked her interest. You aren't a bad person for loving her. Sometimes though......relationships run their course.....and people need the opportunity to test the waters. Maybe she will find out you are the one for her....and maybe she won't. Love is wierd like that.

 

Regardless, you are a person with feelings......and you need to protect yours by not sticking your head in the sand and avoiding the HINTS she is obviously giving you. AND AN EMAIL THING?????? Hey, she's got plans which don't include you. Take the high road and walk away gracefully.

 

Yeah....it'll hurt.......but only for awhile.

[yogi-mon]

Unless you can stand up, and protect your girlfriend, you will lose this girl.

 

Show you are not jealous. (Even if you are.)

 

This is definitly a situation where she is subconciously comparing you to

this dude, (if not already...)

 

I think you're gonna seriously have to stand up for urself and be confident.

Consider being very unavailable, or even "missing" perhaps you

have some girls who wouldnt mind hanging out.

 

Sometimes, she will simply need to realize her own man is at risk.

Its either that, or just dump her.

[amerikajin]

The first part of your message didn't bother me, but the last part sure as hell did.

 

Yes, you're being played, dude.

 

I agree with the females on this forum. The best thing you can do is to show her that you're not going to take any sh*t from her, but you've got to do it the right way by not being an angry sourpuss. It's a very, very delicate situation because of the timing. She's taking one good last look at you right now to see whether you're worth keeping or throwing the garbage. I think right now, she's at a point where she's really playing up this dude in her mind, and she's playing you down. Think of it kinda like a political election: being the incumbent has its advantages and disadvantages. The advantage is that you get to see more of her than the other guy; the disadvantage is, she sees more of you than the other guy...which means this guy is kinda still somewhat fantasy for her, the unknown. Deep down inside, we all kinda like the unknown - even you, dude.

 

I don't know if what I'm going to advise is the "right" advice. I can only tell you what I think I'd do in your situation. I think the one thing you absolutely cannot do is to look weak or pathetic, like you're pleading for her to stay. Women - even kind ones - sense a weak heart, and they will stomp all over it and flush you down the commode once they think you're too weak to stand up to them (don't get angry at this characterization, ladies...men do the same thing, though it manifests itself in different ways perhaps).

 

How do you show your lady that you're strong? By showing her that you don't really need her to survive. Look, she already knows you care for her and all that. I mean, she knows you're jealous by the way you've reacted already. So you don't need to show her how much you like her. You need to show her that you're not gonna take her s*** anymore, and that if she wants to move on, so f-cking be it. And let her know, that once she's out, she's out - FOREVER! And dude, my advice is for you to actually mean it. If she splits with him, you need to point to the highway and say 'TRUCK ON, BABE' That way, you'll up the ante a little and make her think this through.

 

While you're doing all of this, though...try not to get angry. Don't let her see that you're seething inside. Play it calm, cool. I mean, you don't have to smile about it - obviously this isn't fun for you, and you don't have to be Mr. Fake. But at the same time, I think if there's one last sign she's looking for from you it's this: she's looking for that strong, masculine guy who's in control of himself, who's self assured, rugged, independent, the strong, yet silent type...that guy she really liked on the first date. Try to be that guy through this whole thing. Can't guarantee it'll save you here, but at least you'll part with dignity, and even she'll have to respect that.