NSW768 Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Im sure you guys answer this one all the time. But i have no one to talk to and when I search threads there is none that is particularly specific to my situation. So let me get down to it. We've been together for 3 years. Since my senior year of college. Now im 24 and she is 23. We live about 30 minutes apart and I see her every sat-tuesday b4 i go back to work. Just a pre-face last year we went through a confusing time and she ended up cheating on me (just made out w/ guy at bar) and we got back together after a lot of drama and heartache. its been really good since then until.... I came back from a vacation out west for 4 days. I came back on a monday and worked that whole week (about 3 weeks ago). During the week I called her a lot because i missed her and couldnt wait to see her. She was in the same boat. On the thursday and Friday i got a little crazy and paranoid because she went out with her friends from work both nights(that kid doesnt work there anymore and mostly girls). I was working a lot of OT cause people were on vaca so i was going a lil crazy just from not leaving the office. When i went up there that saturday she said i was bringing her down and all this stuff that didnt really make sense to me. after all as little as that friday morning we were as good as always. that we are to young (i was talking about moving in together a lot), that she felt smothered ( of course i freak out you ****ing cheated on me!) and so on. I really didnt know how to feel and was shocked. i felt as though someone had punched me in the gut. actually the same feelings i had had the year before. so I left. she was really sad and called me all sunday. we said we stay together but just take it back a notch, whatever that means (my idea from the night before) so then that tuesday i went up there. we had a good dinner and watched a movie. i didnt stay and no sex ( thought i was making a point) then wednesday she goes out with friends again. and really she wasnt doing **** just out to dinner with one gf. but she doesnt call or text all night. so in the AM i freak out a lil. we get in a fight a lil. so then i apoligize, she apoligizes. whatever. here it gets tricky. the weekend coming up we had planned for months. 2 concerts (friday, sunday) and a party in NYC for a couple weve known since school. I asked L if she wanted to go obviously, and she wanted to do friday but was skeptical on sat-sun. anyway i know this is getting long. so ill try and cut it down. friday i have a blast and she sits there and moops and complains. sat i work come up we head to the party on the train we decide to take some time off for real ( a pretty intense fight since i tell her shes acting all weird). we have a great time at the party. sunday concert is great we hang out and dance. we get a hotel room. drive back she asks me to stay ( at her place) till monday. so i do. we go to a movie. its good but i say we should start our time off tomorow. we do. i leave. she asks if she can still call me and she does everyeday. im trying to take it easy so i dont call or bug her. fast forward to this last friday. she goes out with her sister and her friends. doesnt call me or anything. then sat AM i flip out again on the phone ( i think shes cheating). tell her im done with these games. we dont talk till sun night. i say im sorry for spazzing, she says its ok b/c this isnt really fair to me. i go to a bar. i have a blast. i email her very drunk, but its pure. i say i want her to be happy and if im not part of that its ok. i can accept that. she emails me back: i feel so hurt that i am hurting you. i can't bring myself to say that this is over because it hurts so badly. you are MY best friend. i can trust you with anything and the love i feel for you is so deep. i can't say for sure that there is more out there. but i need time for myself and time to experience life in a different way. i know you understand that and you don't know how much that means to me. i always want to be here for you. i know that this is going to hurt for a long time- and maybe it doesn't have to if we can find our way back to each other. please don't think that you make borders for me- i think i make them more for myself and i need to figure out how not to do that. i asked for time and that is what you are giving me. please know that i love you. so then monday im hungover. i feel like this email hurts a lot. i make a rash decision and call her to see if shes cheating and to just be honest. she says she isnt and this isnt what its about. she says im too negative and i hate my job. she says she wants me to find other things i love as much as i love her. i say i can change. thats the last ive talked to her. im trying to give her space but it hurts so much. im keeping myself occupied and trying to see this an oppurtunity to explore things i love. But what should i do. im trying to give her space. im afraid im going to lose her. she is my best friend in the world. her b-day is september 11th and im hoping she wants to see me by then, but everyday is ****ing painful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NSW768 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Share Posted August 26, 2009 as i look now i see what a pyscho im being. but im sad Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetcheripie Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 I'm really sorry but it sounds like she is ending it and is trying to be nice. Sometimes people hurt you more when they can't get up the "guts" to break it off completely. She doesn't want to hurt you but she doesn't want to be with you. So, for now, don't call her, don't text her, don't email her, don't see her. Give her LOTS and LOTS of space. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NSW768 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 from that email, right? ****ing sucks. im mad, sad, pissed. like wtf we were having a ball b4 this, no problems, and i know its cause i keep freaking just recently that this is happening. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 You're both stressed and insecure. A bad combination especially for a guy who can't get over his ex cheating on him. You've probably lost all your trust in her since her confession, although it was not point-blank, it was evident in the way you like to berate her with accusations of infidelity and treat her like you're the victim ( placing blame on her for not calling and walking out on her to make her feel guilty.) You're dramatic and emotional, hence the smothering. Maybe this break up is the best. You can't trust her, yet you like to keep her around ( as if on a leash). Have you ever done anything that hadn't involved her? Time to start healing, and seeking out your hobbies as opposed to being possessive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NSW768 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 i do a ton of ****, but yeah, ive def gotten way into her, but she has too. this same thing happened last year and when she hooked up with said dude it exploded and then we went back to each other. but now...i mean i think its the end. sucks. i really love that girl. she just kinda moved on and im hanging on i guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NSW768 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 although then when we hang out, like last monday its like old times. i mean ...i m just so confused. i just want to hear her voice again. and im so angry. so ****ing angry. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 Yeah you lost her. You def lost her. She wont come back either. But what you need to do now is, since she pulled away from you, you need to pull away fatehr. Do NOT under any circumstances call her, or answer her calls or texts until she says she is ready to try again. She might be one of those women who calls you just to say "how are you, what have u been up to?" Dont answer. Let her suffer until she is ready to try again. It will empower you. Your pain will be immense, but she has to miss you now. if you talk to her she wont miss you. So dont talk to her unless she changes her mind. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 Your gf just wants to experience life some before she settles down. It sounds like she loves you and said you are her best friend. I don't know that she is "in love" with you the way you are with her. You are both very young and I can sort of understand her point. I think your calling her everytime she goes out can be sort of "needy". Why not just leave her alone to party with her friends and not accuse her of anything? But at this point in her life she probably does want to date other people because she is young and wants to see what else life has to offer. She wants the same thing for you and if you both do date and find that it is each other you should be with then you will find your way back together. I think you should take this time and find something else that you love as much as her as she said. Please don't call her and try to move on. We are here for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NSW768 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 yeah i havent spoken a word to her since monday. thats 2 days and the first time for us in 3 years. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 although then when we hang out, like last monday its like old times. i mean ...i m just so confused. i just want to hear her voice again. and im so angry. so ****ing angry. Why are you so angry? If you answer that question maybe it will help you to understand and accept. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NSW768 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 and the other thing is im not that needy always. really im not. she goes out with her friends. cool. we text, Hows the bar. or whatever its just when i came back. i spazzed. hard. and i think i made it a lot worse. i know i did. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 It's understand your feeling needy at that time as you felt her pulling away from you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NSW768 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 im angry because im so confused. i mean i know this girl so well. and i did not see this coming. we went on vaca a month ago and had a blast. so im just jumping between angry to sad to like im better off without her to sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NSW768 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 btw i appreciate all the advice. its tough to talk to family and friends all the time about this because they always have something else going on or you fear they are getting tired of your bitvching Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 and the other thing is im not that needy always. really im not. she goes out with her friends. cool. we text, Hows the bar. or whatever its just when i came back. i spazzed. hard. and i think i made it a lot worse. i know i did. I can definitely sense alot of anger in your posts. What's the cause? I'm guessing stress from work plays a role. Address your anger positively such as posting on here, and try some controlled breathing. Just don't do anything stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 Well that's understandable. I guess feeling angry can help you to get over her but forgiveness helps the most. These things come in stages and you are at the first stage. It will get better but not right away. Just keep telling yourself "she doesn't want you anymore" and try to keep busy. If you think she still wants you it will be hard to move on so you have to keep telling yourself the opposite. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetcheripie Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 and the other thing is im not that needy always. really im not. she goes out with her friends. cool. we text, Hows the bar. or whatever its just when i came back. i spazzed. hard. and i think i made it a lot worse. i know i did. Don't be so hard on yourself. You spazzed - it's ok. Just do whatever you can to get out and have FUN. And remember not to call, text, email or see her - you are doing great! Link to post Share on other sites
Author NSW768 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 im not going to do anything violent. im just so sad...so ****ing sad. i feel like John Cusack in High Fedility when the girl ask him if he has soul, and he says "that depends" Link to post Share on other sites
Author NSW768 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 i mean just for my cause heres a letter she sent me in January just out of the blue after the whole hard time cheating thing. [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]I can’t stop thinking about what I’ve done to us. I am having such a hard time getting over it. I wish I could take back everything bad I’ve said and done to you. I don’t know how I could hurt you so badly. You took me back and I know we are doing well and I just hope that we stay that way forever. I always get scared that you are going to change your mind or stop loving me. I never want that to happen. That whole time I knew in my heart that it was supposed to be you and me always. I know it will probably be hard for you to believe that I was thinking that but I was. There are so many things we have together that I don’t want to loose. I don’t know why I had to do/say what I did. There was such a struggle going on in my mind- for no reason other than I thought that needed to be more independent (or something like that). I know now that I am independent and always have been- and I didn’t need to change anything to be that way. I know I’ve said all of this before so I apologize for being repetitive. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]I hope you never stop loving me. You are all I want. I love you.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]does she have a chemical embalance. i mean this is almost the exact thing she did to me last year. i kinda left that out. bb4 she cheated and it all blew up she went through the same kinda space thing.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2] [/sIZE][/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 Time to clean out your inbox. If a person's actions doesn't match their words, then keeping anything of theirs around is a waste of space. Do you expect her to apologize? People can apologize but they can never feel sorry for long. For now, do yourself the favor of getting rid of anything within 10 meters of you that reminds you of her. Voice messages, emails, texts, etc, anything written by her should be deleted and erased. You don't need any of them to make you feel any worse. The worst thing about breakups is the uncontrollable need to reminisce. Most people cry and sleep the pain away, while others mask the pain with alcohol. I advise you to do the former even though it's pretty shameful to cry, but then you'll feel better tomorrow morning. But if you're going to do the latter, I advise you to delete her # in case you accidentally drunk dials her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NSW768 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 yeah already deleted the # i dont even have anyone anymore to get drunk with. she was my best drinking buddy Link to post Share on other sites
Author NSW768 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 feeling a lil better right now. i just didnt know if stepping back this much was right. what if she calls or texts the next couple of days, should i ignore it? Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 feeling a lil better right now. i just didnt know if stepping back this much was right. what if she calls or texts the next couple of days, should i ignore it? I already posted that. Dont answwr unless she wants to get back with you. SInce thats not going to happen, and it shouldnt since she cheated on you and didnt tell you what you did wrong for her to do that, you shouldnt get back with her. Ignore her. She will try to make you feel guilty for ignoring her, dont fall for it. She might use all kinds of tactics to bait you EXCEPT for "I want to try again". She might start texting you to validate herself. She might text you to check up on you to make sure you havent moved on. SHe wont text you to get back with you though. Whatever reason she cheated on you then, you will have to figure out why so you dont make that mistake again. BTW she checked out of your relationship months ago, but she acted like everything was fine. It wasnt fair to you, it was lies, but now she doesnt have to cheat anymore. Shes young, so are you, she prolly changed alot since yolu two first started going out. Many couples dont stay together during the early 20's. IGNORE HER. and dont call her. Keep telling yourself its over. If you have anything with her on it, its just like staying connected. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted August 27, 2009 Share Posted August 27, 2009 yeah already deleted the # i dont even have anyone anymore to get drunk with. she was my best drinking buddy Who said you need to drink with someone? Link to post Share on other sites
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