Very confused and betrayed I need advice. Sorry so long.

[gwennebe]

Hi everyone. I could use some advice. My boyfriend of three months just broke up with me for the second time in two weeks. The first time he said it was because he couldn't take it anymore and needed some space. We had been fighting quite a bit since we hardly got to spend any real time together. Maybe only 2 full waking hours a week and most of those were spent at a bar. The issues we were having could have easily been resolved and we broke up but decided to try to be friends and talk by the end of the week. I had sent him an email on Friday we broke up on Monday night and told him that I felt it would ge too hard to be friends at first and if he wanted to call it quits it would have to be no contact for awhile.

 

Well he called that night but I wasn't around I was out of town visiting friends. He left me a message and I returned his call and he said he wanted to talk. So we had a heart to heart and decided our relationship was worth saving.Things were going great. He even said he was glad it all happened because he felt we were closer. One point I don't want to forget to mention is that he claimed he never broke up with me and never said he just wanted to be friends which is crazy because I remember specifically him talking about just being friends and the circumstances.

 

So we are back together that Saturday and then my grandma dies the following Monday. He was very supportive and acted like he really wanted things to work. We were closer then ever talking more just like we said we would. Well Wednesday the first day of my grandmothers viewing he calls after work and says he had a really bad night at work and didn't feel comfortable being around me right now so he was going to the bar to drink with his brother. I didn't have work the next day so I didn't have to get up early and I told him that and said why don't you stop over after. I admit I was a little quiet on the phone, I was somewhat dissapointed who wouldn't be. So he calls me three hours later about 1:30 am and starts screaming at me and picking a fight. Saying I don't care anything about him and I never ask him about his day. We had already discussed this the previous week and I was going to try to be more supportive but I think I had a reason to be a little more needy that week. I lost my grandmother and I was very close to her. He knew this. I tried to explain to him the reason I didn't ask him about why he had a bad day was because he said he didn't want to be around me then so I figured he didnt want to talk either.

 

He I guess was just too drunk and too unreasonable. He wouldn't listen he was being so stubborn. So I went over to his house to try to calm him down and figure out what was going on and he just kept getting madder and madder. Then he got violent with me and left a huge bruise on my arm and my forehead and my back because he threw me. this is the second time he has gotten violent drunk. I was stupid and I should have left but I was so distraught about my grandmother and so hurt that he was doing all of this to me at that particular time that I stuck around to try to talk to him in the morning. That didn't work either he was still not willing to listen to reason and said he just didn't feel the same all the time anymore. Only sometimes. That same morning he gave me a huge hug and kiss and said he would see me later so I don't know how he could mean that.

 

I asked him if he was interested in someone else and he said no. I said are you just going to start dating again and he said if someone wants to. Well I let it go because I was so confused and left and went through two more days of viewings and finally Friday the funeral. I talked to him Friday night because I was depressed and feeling low about my grandma and couldn't find a friend in the world. He said he couldn't see me he was going out. I asked him if he was taking someone out to dinner and he said no. Well on Saturday night a mutual friend calls and told me that he had been out with a girl on Friday night to dinner and then they were at the bar we usually frequented. I was so hurt and so angry. How could he take some girl out on a date the same day I buried my grandmother? I did the wrong thing and left him 3 angry messages. Then I was still angry the next day because this girl he took out I had a feeling he liked. Even a month before things started getting bad. He just seemed too interested in her whereabouts. I asked him if he liked her and he was with me because he didn't think he could date her and he said no. I felt like he lied to me and was hurt because I would have rather heard the truth from him than someone else. I left 4 more messages and no response. Finally Monday he talked to me.

 

I asked him about it and he said he didn't like her before while he was dating me and i asked him if he went out with her to spite me and he said he didn't know. I asked him why he went on a date already and he said because it's over, I'm single and I'm going to date. I asked him if he even thought it was a little rough to go out with some other girl the same day I buried my grandmother and he didn't seem to concerned. He asked me why I cared, it was over. Then I apologized for leaving so many messages and asked him to understand it was because I was upset. I guess he asked her out too.

 

The thing is I feel someone else may also be interfering with our relationship because misery loves company and I know a few people that would like to see up broke up. Plus he has been engadged twice already and all of his friends say he always messes things up. So I don't know if it is just a conincedence he asked her out, or if he liked her all along and figured things weren't working out so he would try to date her to see if that worked and the only reason he won't admit it is because I think he feels if things don't work out with them he will try to come back. I should have ran when he told me he loved me after two weeks and thought I was the one but I was too stupid. I had just ended a year and a half relationship and i think I just wanted someone to care for me.

 

Plus not two weeks earlier to our first break up I tried to end it with him and he begged and pleaded so I didn't .then he went and broke up with me. Maybe I'm just pissed that he didn't want to end it when I did and then went and did it to me. He told me he didn't think anyone else would compare to me and he would just be settling but it doesn't seem to matter to him. I guess he didn't really love me or care for me or he wouldn't have acted the way he did towards the end with the dishonesty and cruelty. I just don't know if he's rebounding with this girl or if he really likes her and it's driving me crazy because after he talked me into not wanting to break up I wanted to try to work things out.

 

Maybe we werent' really meant for each other but I guess I'm just looking for an outside opinion on the whole thing and to see if anyone can maybe give me a clue as to what you think he's reasoning is behind all of this. I would really appreciate it.

[moimeme]

I think you don't need a guy like this in your life.

 

I should have ran when he told me he loved me after two weeks and thought I was the one but I was too stupid. I had just ended a year and a half relationship and i think I just wanted someone to care for me.

 

we hardly got to spend any real time together. Maybe only 2 full waking hours a week and most of those were spent at a bar.

 

So he calls me three hours later about 1:30 am and starts screaming at me

 

Then he got violent with me and left a huge bruise on my arm and my forehead and my back because he threw me. this is the second time he has gotten violent drunk

 

How could he take some girl out on a date the same day I buried my grandmother?

 

Now. If your best friend or your sister came to you and asked you whether she should try to keep a man like this, what would you tell her?

 

This guy is no deal. Drop him like a hot potato and move on, for the sake of your health and your sanity.

[Butterfly1]

I would have to agee. This guy sounds like a very self involved selfish human being. You don't deserve that. He turned violent on you as well which is also a huge sign to run. Honestly what you need from this guy is distance. You go through a loss and all he is concerned about his day. He went out withsomeone that Friday after your fight -- maybe he is a guy who cant be alone? He sounds very needy too and when he can't get his needs met, moves on to the next person. You are better off with out this guy. Any woman is better off without. He needs to grow up and work on treating people with respect and learning more about the give and take in a relationship. I know its hard being alone again...especially when you have gotten used to having someone be there for you - but this time you are definately better off without him. Its hard and some days will be harder then others but at least you will be putting yourself out there to meet someone new who will treat you better then this guy.

[gwennebe]

Thank you for the input. It helped me see how things really were. I got some news. I found out that this girl doesn't seem to interested in him after all and my cousin confronted him about the bruises he left me and threatened him if he ever did anything to anyone like that again. So it's just a matter of time I think until he's kicking him self in the a** and I'm going to tell him where to go.

[toots307]

I hope you meant what you said in your last post. You have to know NO ONE deserves a jerk like that. You are way better off without him. Read the book 'Are you the one for Me' by Barbara DeAngelis. It may help you to not choose the wrong guy next time around.

[SoleMate]

Gwennebe -

 

My condolences on the loss of your grandmother. I am sure you have many wonderful memories of the times you spent together. Isn't a grandmother's love amazing??!!

 

Moimeme was right on target in her advice. I just want to add one word more, which is that I care about you and I can't stand the thought of you getting hurt by this creep again. I can't bear the thought of more bruises on your body, or scars on your heart and mind. I'd just as soon leave a fluffy rabbit in a cage with a big, mean, stupid attack dog as think about you getting near this user/loser/abuser again.

(Not calling you a rabbit, it's just a metaphor.)

 

Treat this "person" like a grenade that just got the pin pulled. He's out of your life, and I will pray that he will soon be out of your heart as well.

 

How about making a scrapbook or painting or collage of pictures and words that remind you of your dear grandmother? Very therapeutic and it will feel good, I promise!