58 days till the 'possible' wedding- how do i earn his trust back?!

[AlektraClementine]

I responded to her post in "getting married'.

 

I'm in her fiance's shoes and I will tell you that what she did was not at all "harmless". It's only harmless if it doesn't harm anyone.

 

The problem as I see it is not his issues with trust, but her issues with needing ego validation outside of her relationship. We're not talking about appreciating an innocuous compliment or a second glance on the street. We're talking about inappropriate and direct flirting with another male who is NOT her husband to be.

 

Same thing has happened in my relationship. OP - I have decided NOT to set the wedding date and we have a 3 month goal wherein if we do not make progress alone in that time, we will go to pre-marital counseling. But I'll tell you what. For me, the desire to make it work and the desire to walk away are about equal. I'd wager it's the same for your fiance so I'd advise you to do the things he needs you to do during this time so as to tip the scales, as it were, to your advantage.

 

Did you delete this "friend" from your fb account?

[lilmissp]

of course i deleted him, and i also deleted me entire account.

 

As i said in my reply to your other post in 'getting married' you may want to try and figure out why your husband is lookign for ego boosting out of the relationship. You only go looking for something if your not getting it. That doesnt make it ok, not at all...but thats why i did it, for a moment during the day it made me feel special that some one made the time to message me- as my fiance doesnt send me sweet messages,emails or txts any more because he doesnt have the 'time'

What i should have done was approached him and told him how i felt and how much it would mean if he could find that time...but i was selfish.

 

Maybe your fiance is in the same boat. Maybe you were'nt giving him something.

[AlektraClementine]

 

Maybe your fiance is in the same boat. Maybe you were'nt giving him something.

 

Unfortunately, it's not that. That'd be an easy fix. He's just insecure.

 

Good luck and I'm happy for you that your fiance has decided to proceed with the wedding.

[becizzle]

Lilmissp, congratulations on your coming nuptuals.

 

I feel that what you did was totally inappropriate and that your fiance is totally justified in his reaction. Due to your age, I do understand your feelings and actions though. I do hope that you both can move past this and that you can trust each other completely in the future.

 

That being said I only have two pieces of advice.

 

1. I didn't see how long you have been with your fiance before deciding to get married. You're only 21 so any time that you have spent together, you basically grew up together and have seen each other change. I personally feel you are too young to get married but that is beside the point.

If feeling unappreciated motivated you to reach out and online flirt with another man to get that attention, there is a problem.

I have been with my fiance for 8 years before getting engaged this past June and we have been through some crazy situations. We even had an open relationship for about 6 months at the 5 year mark because I was feeling like I needed some new attention. I was feeling underappreciated and taken for granted. I can't say don't get married because I don't know you but be prepared to face a similar, more intense situation in the future. You are going to take each other for granted at some point. It just happens as you get comfortable in a relationship. You both have to be able to talk to each other about those feelings. Ask him to write you notes and tell you how he feels. He needs to make "time" and so do you.

 

2. Your fiance seems to have a TON of baggage! You love him and want to spend your life with him so you will have to make sacrifices. I don't know how he feels about you having male friends but it may come to be an issue. So keep in mind what you will have to cut from your life for this marriage.

 

Good luck!